Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Joey is sitting on the couch, holding a calculator.
Joey: Hey, I can spell words if I type in the right numbers and turn it upside down.
Ross: Cool.
Joey: Look!
Joey turns the calculator upside-down.
Joey (reading the calculator screen): Hello.
Ross: Joey, can you keep it down? I'm trying to make dinner.
Joey: Aw, there's nothing I can use to make a "w".
Ross looks at the calculator.
Ross: Joey, that calculator had alphabet buttons.
Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Mike, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Rachel is standing in the kitchen. The door opens. Enter Monica and Chandler, with a double stroller for Jack and Erica.
Rachel: Hi, guys!
Rachel and Monica hug. Chandler closes the door. He puts the stroller against the wall.
Monica: Chandler! Are you just going to leave them there all night?
Chandler (sarcastically): No, I was planning to move them around all night so they have a panorama of the entire apartment.
Monica: Come on, everyone's going to want to hold them.
Ross: I'm good.
Phoebe: Yeah, I don't need to hold the babies.
Mike: Me neither.
A pause.
Monica: Rachel?
Rachel: Well, I have a baby of my own. I don't need to hold yours.
Monica: What? They aren't cute anymore? Just because they aren't helpless lumps?
Rachel: No, it's not…that, Monica, it's just…um…see, well…
There is a knock at the door.
Rachel: Joey's here!
Rachel opens the door. Enter Joey and Erin.
Rachel: Hi, Joey!
Joey: Hey, Rache. This is Erin. I met her in acting class.
Monica leans down and begins playing with Jack and Erica.
Rachel: Joey, we said just the six of us!
Joey: Mike's here!
Rachel: What?
Rachel turns around.
Rachel: Mike, get out!
Phoebe: Rachel!
Joey: Yeah, come on, Rachel.
Chandler: Rules are rules, Joey. Mike, Erin, you have to leave.
Rachel: Chandler, why do you care?
Chandler: Well, I don't care about Mike, but Joey's always got a girlfriend! I finally got married and Joey's still better than me!
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: Better than me, not better than you. Nobody's better than you, Monica. I love you!
Monica: Hm.
Monica returns to Playing with the twins.
Erin: I don't want to be rude or anything, but I kind of want to come in.
Mike: Yeah, and I'm staying.
Rachel: Fine. I knew this whole thing would blow up in my face. At least everyone is here.
Chandler: Yeah, Rachel, I have to go-
Rachel: NO! Sit! Nobody leaves!
Chandler sits in a seat at the table. Joey closes the door. Joey and Erin enter the kitchen. Rachel sits on the couch. Scene ends and opens, action is continuous. Monica walks towards Joey, who is standing by the window.
Monica: Hey, Joey?
Joey: Yeah?
Monica: You still think that Jack and Erica are cute, right?
Joey: Who?
Monica screams.
Monica: Nobody likes my kids anymore!
Erin: Well, I think they're adorable.
Monica: I love you!
Chandler: Great, I married a lesbian.
Ross: Join the club.
Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Action is continuous. Rachel and Monica are in the kitchen.
Rachel: Monica?
Monica: What?
Rachel: Do you think I'm just a really bad hostess? Is that why everything went wrong? Will I ever be as good as you?
Monica: No.
Rachel: Monica!
Monica: It's true! You're not a bad hostess, but you'll never be as good as me. No. You guys have already taken away my children; you will not take away my hosting abilities! I'm the best!
Rachel: Okay, okay, Mon, calm down. Do you think I can get any better?
Monica: Well, Rachel, anything would be better than tonight.
A pause.
Rachel: All you do is make me feel bad. I'm going to go talk to the new girl.
Rachel leaves Monica. Scene follows her to Erin, who is standing by the door.
Rachel: Hi, Erin.
Erin: Oh, hi! You're Rachel, right?
Rachel: Yeah. So, how long have you known Joey?
Erin: A few months, but we've been dating for… how long has it been since I got here?
Rachel: Never mind. Do you like Joey?
Erin: Oh, yeah, he's really sweet, it's just…
Rachel: What? The eating thing?
Camera shows Joey in the background, trying to eat a whole hot dog in one bite.
Rachel: Because you'll get over that, trust me.
Erin: No, it's more that… he's not very good at expressing his emotions.
Rachel: Erin, how many men have you gone out with?
Erin: No, I know, but, it's just with me. Look.
They turn to Joey. He is watching the football game on TV from behind the couch. A touchdown (assumedly) is made. Joey cheers and yells, high-fiving Mike and Ross. Joey turns to Erin. His face is blank.
Erin: See?
Rachel: Yeah, that is weird. I've never seen him act that way with a girl.
Erin: Oh, so, there have been a lot of girls.
Rachel: Ah, well, see, um… Coming, Monica!
Rachel exits to the kitchen. Scene ends and opens in the kitchen. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Mike, Erin, Joey, Ross, and Rachel are seated around the table. They each have a salad, except for Joey, who is eating another hot dog.
Chandler: So, Erin, you're an actress. Have you been in anything that we would have heard of?
Erin: Well, not yet, but I just finished filming a movie that's supposed to be really big in theaters.
Rachel: Really? What's it about?
Erin: It's called, "The Paleontologist." It's like, the life story of this guy, Rob, and it starts out in his childhood. He has a lot of challenges, like he's got a really fat sister, and a huge crush on his sister's best friend, Rebecca, and all of the kids at school tease him because he plays with dinosaur toys all of the time. Then, it kind of follows him to his adulthood, and he becomes a paleontologist, and he hangs out with his friends every night, and then he runs into Rebecca again, who I play, and the whole story kind of becomes a romance, with all the drama about him dating Rebecca, and they fight, and go on a break, and in the end, you know, it's a happy ending, he marries Rebecca, they have kids, and a good life, but then he dies in a subway crash and Rebecca has to move on without him, so it goes through his whole life. It's really a good movie, kind of a tear-jerker at the end.
Monica: Yeah, sounds like it.
Camera pans to Ross, who is gaping in surprise. Scene ends and opens on the balcony. Ross and Rachel are standing on the balcony.
Rachel: So, would you want to see that movie Erin was talking about? I thought you might like the whole paleontologist thing.
Ross: Rachel, that's my movie!
Rachel: What? Oh, Ross, you're not going to go all, "I created 'got milk'" again, are you?
Ross: I did! No, not that, I'm saying that that movie is my life!
Rachel: What? Just because he's a paleontologist, Ross-
Ross: No, look, Rebecca, (begins counting on his fingers) he's got a fat sister, he plays with dinosaur toys, he goes on a break with his girlfriend-
Rachel: Ross, we never went on a break.
Ross: WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Scene cuts to the apartment. Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Mike, Joey, and Erin are in the living room, looking out the window at Ross shouting at Rachel.
Phoebe: What is he yelling?
Chandler: "We were on a break."
Monica: Honey, you can read lips?
Chandler: No, it's Ross.
Scene returns to Rachel and Ross on the balcony.
Ross: I'm sorry.
Rachel: That's okay, just so long as you know that I am right and you are wrong.
Ross: I know.
Rachel: Even about this movie.
Ross: No. Rache, come on, this is a sign!
Rachel: For what?
Ross: That I'm going to die in a subway crash!
Rachel: Ross, come on, this movie has nothing to-
A pause.
Rachel: Oh my god!
Ross: See? It's horrible.
Rachel: Oh my god, we're going to get married!
Ross: I know, it's- what? You're worried about getting married? I'm going to die!
Rachel: Well, Ross, everyone's going to die.
Ross: In a subway?
Rachel: Well, if you think about it, it's actually a very noble way to die, you know, depending on where you were going.
Ross shakes his head. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Erin and Rachel are standing in the kitchen, looking at Joey, who is standing near the window eating his third hot dog.
Erin: I think I know what I'm going to do to get some emotion out of him.
Rachel: What? What are you going to do?
Erin: I'm going to take his hot dog.
Rachel: Oh my god, Erin, don't do that. Please, it's suicide.
Erin: What? It's just a hot dog.
Rachel: He stole some little kid's cotton candy the last time we took him to the zoo. They kicked us out!
Erin: I just want to know that I mean something to him.
Rachel: If you steal his food, you'll just be known to him as "girl who took my hot dog, must attack now".
Erin: See? That's the problem. He's a robot!
Rachel: No, he's not! Just wait, he'll warm up to you. But don't ever take Joey Tribbiani's food.
Erin: I don't care. Hate is passionate.
Erin begins walking towards Joey.
Rachel: So you want your date to hate you? (sarcastically) Yeah, Erin, real smart.
Erin: Hey, Joey.
Joey (with his mouth full): Hey, Erin.
Erin grabs his hot dog, takes a bite of it and swallows. Joey's eyes widen.
Chandler: Oh my god!
Erin: Yeah, Joey, I took your hot dog. What does that make you want to do?
A pause.
Joey: It makes me want to do this!
Joey grabs Erin and kisses her.
Rachel: Okay, I definitely want her to play me.
Erin: What?
Rachel: Never mind.
Joey and Erin kiss again. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are helping clean up the apartment. Jack and Erica are in the stroller in the corner.
Rachel: So, do you think my attempt at hosting was a success?
Monica: Well…
Chandler: Um…
Ross: Eh…
Rachel: More or less.
Monica: Oh, definitely!
Chandler: Perfect.
Ross: I love you!
Monica: I just can't believe that nobody took Jack and Erica out of the stroller. They stayed in that thing all night.
Rachel: Mon, you know, you could have taken them out.
A pause.
Monica: Well, I see them every day…and…'cause, it's not like I don't…Chandler didn't take them out either! I mean, you can't blame one person for not doing something, it just doesn't make sense.
Ross: She has a point.
Chandler: Yeah, but Monica, that still doesn't mean that you took them out.
Monica: Um, Chandler? Who asked you?
Chandler: I just-
Monica: Bye!
Monica begins dragging Chandler out of the door.
Chandler: Yeah, okay, bye, Ross! Bye, Rachel!
Monica and Chandler exit. Monica closes the door. A pause. Monica reenters, grabs Jack and Erica's stroller, maneuvers it out the door quickly and embarrassedly and exits.
Rachel: Wow, some mother.
A pause.
Ross: Rachel, where's Emma?
Credits appear on screen.
CREDITS SCENE:
Scene opens in Mike and Phoebe's bedroom. Phoebe is sitting with her legs crossed on the bed. Mike is standing near the dresser.
Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, Mike, the baby's kicking! Come rub my belly!
Mike (climbing up on the bed): Okay, Buddha.
Mike feels her stomach.
Mike: Oh my god…
Phoebe: I know! That's our baby, Mike.
Mike: Yeah. Yeah it is.
Mike looks at Phoebe. They kiss.
END OF SHOW
A/N: I really like the credits scene in this one. Usually, they're plain humor, but this one was sweet. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm really excited about Mike and Phoebe having a baby! That's just how invested in characters I get. Thank-you, loyal readers, for coming back here every week. End of the season's coming soon, but don't worry. Season 12 begins in November!!!