And now, the "Talk" conclusion...

…The Illusion

26 February 1994

"They thought it was me," Remus said.

I nodded through my tears. "You… didn't make it to the weekly dinners. You stopped going to the Order meetings."

"I didn't think I'd be welcome at the dinners. And I didn't go to the meetings because…" He sighed. "I was hurting as well, Kate, and I knew seeing you at the meetings would have been too painful. So I gave you the space I thought you wanted."

"I didn't want space, Remus. I wanted you. And I didn't go to the meetings either; James wouldn't let me once he knew I was pregnant."

We were silent and I took the time to wipe away more tears. Remus was the one to break the silence.

"So, you eventually convinced James to let you move out, I presume."

I shook my head. "No. Sirius did."

Remus' eyes shot open wide.

"He suggested the Fidelius Charm. He convinced James to let me move into my own place as long as I lived under the protection of the charm. James agreed, however, reluctantly. I made him keeper and he gave the secret to Lily, Sirius, and Peter. They were the only ones who knew where I lived. It was a small flat surrounded by Muggles, on Rockwell Lane."

"Rockwell Lane?" Remus said in alarm and I nodded.

"The building Sirius supposedly blasted a hole in when he killed those Muggles."

"Kate…"

"I know what you're thinking, Remus, but please, don't say it."

Remus pressed his mouth into a firm line and allowed me to continue.

"I was never alone. After I moved out, James saw to it that at least one of them was always with me. It was Peter more often than not. They all made frequent appearances; our weekly dinners together continued at my flat, but Peter was the predominant visitor. And Peter was there when the first attack happened."

"Attack? What kind of attack?"

"Not from Death Eaters," I said quickly to relieve the bit of worry I detected in his voice.

"It was a panic attack," I explained. "The claustrophobia isn't just a story I made up for Jonathan. It is a very real affliction. Jonathan doesn't know the full extent of it, only that it's why I have to sleep under an illusion of stars every night.

"The Fidelius Charm was the first time since… the kidnapping… that I'd been truly confined. I was fine the first few weeks; there was a lot to do to keep my mind occupied, like setting up Jonathan's room. I painted it the Muggle way, and they all helped. They all contributed their own personal touch. Lily painted a Muggle children's story. Sirius left a trail of paw prints that moved around the room randomly. And James left a couple of castle secrets on the wall, but he charmed them to remain invisible unless given the proper incantation. Peter… I… I can't remember what Peter left, but I'm sure it was something; they all did something."

I trailed off; I was digressing, but Remus didn't seem to mind too much. He smiled fondly.

"But the attack… After a few weeks this feeling, this... pressure started seeping in. I tried to ignore it; I tried to push it aside, but it just kept growing. Peter was there when I reached a breaking point. It's like…I don't know. It's like I just cracked all of a sudden.

"I couldn't breathe. Every gasp of air left me empty. It felt like the oxygen was being sucked out of me. I was suffocating. Then the walls… It felt like they were crashing down around me, burning me as they fell. I swear, it was like being back in that basement...

"I…I didn't know what to do. I tried escaping. I was banging on the door trying to break it down, but it wouldn't budge. Peter was freaking out, calling my name over and over… but I just…"

I swiped at my tears. Talking about the attack was arousing similar feelings, but I had to continue.

"Peter finally just opened the door and I ran. I had to get out of there. Peter followed after me, and found me a block away sitting on the grass and looking at the stars. I remember… it was a full moon that night. I know you've always despised the moon, but I wish you could have seen it the way I did that night. It was so beautiful and…it gave me life," I choked out.

"When Peter found me he sat down beside me, and I just cried on his shoulder. For a good, long while I just cried. Then he helped me back to my flat and made me a cup of strong, black tea. I asked him not to tell James or the others. I didn't want them to think that I couldn't be left alone. I didn't want James to try and make me return to his place. I needed my own place, and yet being trapped by the charm was suffocating. So I told Pete to make it our little secret. And do you know what he said?"

"'I'd do anything for you, Kate,'" Remus replied.

"Exactly." I nodded. "I was fine again after that… for a while, but then I could feel that feeling starting to creep back in. I told Peter that I needed to go out again. He argued against it. He said it was too risky, that we couldn't ever do it again. But I told him that if he didn't take me out, then I'd have to go out alone, and that would have been even more dangerous. So he agreed. It was a short walk at twilight, but it worked. The feeling subsided again…and then it came back.

"It became a routine for us, sneaking out when it was just the two of us. Pete said if it was going to be a habit then we needed to take certain precautions. So I told him to find me a disguise. He came back with this atrocious wig. It was a yellowish-orange, curly, and it stuck out to here." I held up my hands on either side of my head and laughed despite myself. "I mean, it really was awful. But I used it to appease him. Then the next time he came with his own disguise.

"And so on it went. Whenever I was out with him I'd either use the name Stephanie or we'd come up with other names. This one time I gave the server the name Sony, and Peter said he was Cher. She looked at us like we were mental and belonged in the Loony bin at St. Mungo's." I laughed; Remus smiled.

"Our trips stopped once Jonathan was born. With a newborn there wasn't much time for anything else but caring for him. Peter continued to come by just as frequently; some nights I don't think he left. You should have seen him trying to change a dirty nappy. It was clear he had no idea what he was doing, but he insisted. I can't even begin to tell you how many golden showers Jonathan gave him."

Remus chuckled for the first time since I began talking. It was a nice, light moment. I knew it wouldn't last.

"Then the war took a turn for the worst." My tears began anew. "Edgar Bones and his wife were dead, as was Marlene, Janice, Ruth…. And… the Prewitts." I choked on my sobs at the thought of the Prewitt brothers.

"Dead! Thanks to my Father no less!"

"Their death is not your fault, Kate."

"I know," I cried. "Logically, I know that. But I still saved him, didn't I? I still pulled him from the fire. How many people did he go on to kill after that? How many lives were destroyed because I decided to save his?"

"You can't go on blaming yourself like that. You can't hold all that guilt on your shoulders. You…"

"We're here about Katherine, aren't we? I still haven't told you how she came to be."

Remus sat back in his chair with a tight lip frown.

"So… after the Prewitt brothers…died, I told James and the others that they shouldn't come by to see me as often. I told them that they needed to focus on the war so they could end it. I know it wasn't easy, for any of them, but they listened. Even Peter didn't seem to come by as much. The panic attacks still came however.

"So I started experimenting. I discovered that I could transfigure a few facial features, and I could illusion the scars away. And I bought my own wigs so I could leave."

"You left the protection of the Fidelius Charm, alone, during the height of the war?" he asked.

I nodded. "I wasn't alone, though. I took Jonathan; I obviously couldn't leave him behind. He wasn't even a year old yet."

"He was a baby, Kate! You had to know how risky it was to leave."

"It was more than risky, Remus. It was potentially catastrophic if I was discovered, not just for me but for Jonathan too. Not to mention it was a complete betrayal of James' trust. I knew this, and yet living with the betrayal was easier than facing the suffocation that awaited me if I stayed inside. You've no idea what those panic attacks were like. I could have died from hyperventilation, or worse. I could have accidentally hurt Jonathan. I had to risk leaving.

"I started using the name Katherine when I went out. I never told the others what I was doing, not even Peter. It became a habit to use Katherine whenever I was out in public. When James and Lily went into hiding I saw even less of Sirius and Peter. They were too busy fighting the war.

"When Sirius showed up and told me James and Lily were dead and that I had to leave, I didn't think twice about applying my disguise and giving the innkeeper the name Katherine. I don't know where I got the name Porter from, it was just there. I didn't know what was going on with the war. I went from one Muggle village to the next. All I knew was that my flat no longer existed.

"Then Dumbledore's Patronus found me and told me about the memorial for James and Lily. I attended but as Katherine, not Kate; I left Jonathan with the inn keeper. I found Dumbledore afterwards and showed him who I was. It was only then that I learned Peter was dead, Sirius had been carted off to Azkaban without a trial, and that Harry was indeed alive but living with the Dursleys. I told Dumbledore that I could take Harry as soon as I found a place, but he said… he said that Harry needed to stay with a blood relation to Lily.

"I was distraught. I argued with Dumbledore until my voice was hoarse, but he wouldn't budge on the matter. He said I was welcome to stay in Harry's life as an aunt, but that I couldn't be his legal caretaker. I knew the Dursleys would know Kate Potter as a witch and they'd never let me near Harry. Voldemort had fallen, but many of his Death Eaters, were still at large. So I remained as Katherine Porter, and I moved in the vacant house across the street from the Boy Who Lived.

"And everything was fine. The illusion held up, and everything was fine. Until you showed up to teach this year. Then things began to unravel. I fought to maintain it. I tried to keep you at a distance, but like always I felt myself being drawn to you. I couldn't keep away. I know I should have told you sooner, but I thought… I thought I could manage it. And I… I was scared. I thought if… I thought if I told you then…"

"You thought I'd walk away," he said in a pained voice.

I nodded shamefully. "But it wouldn't have just been me you were walking away from this time."

"Jonathan," he whispered.

"I couldn't do that to him. So I kept the truth from you. I never intended for things to happen between us the way they did. I never thought I'd allow myself to fall for you again. But I was helpless against your charms; I always was."

"I've never thought of myself as charming."

"And that's what gets me, I think."

There was a moment of silence. I wiped away the last of my tears, and finished my tea, which was surprisingly still warm. Remus looked reflective. Clearly he was taking the much needed moment to process everything I just told him. I knew it was a lot; it was fourteen years' worth of information.

"So… I suppose that's everything then," I said.

"No. There is one more thing we need to discuss."

I knew what he was going to say before he said it, and my stomach dropped.

"We need to talk about Jonathan."

A fresh wave of new tears threatened to spill and I had to fight them off. Before anything else could be said however, the flames in the fireplace turned green. Snape's voice floated through the room.

"Lupin, I need a word with you."

Remus and I just stared at one another. This was an all too familiar situation. With a great sigh, Remus turned towards the flames. Just when I thought things were going to play out as they always did, Remus did the unexpected.

"I'm in the middle of something rather important, Severus. It will have to wait until later." Remus returned to his seat, expecting that to be the end of it, but Snape was persistent.

"Now, Lupin! This cannot wait," the voice of Snape hissed through the flames.

I was angry on Remus' behalf. And I knew this far from the full moon he was too kind-hearted to demand the respect he deserved. So I'd do it for him. I sprung from my seat, grabbed his floo powder, and spiraled to Snape's office before Remus would stop me.

"What the hell, Snape! Who do you think you are? He said he was busy and that he'd get back with you later!" I took a deep breath before realizing my mistake. "Hi, Harry."

"Professor," Harry replied cautiously, whether from my tirade against Snape or simply because he was being interrogated by Snape. I'm not certain.

"I should have known it was you that had Lupin tied up," Snape sneered as he stepped towards me. I had to hold the leopard back to keep her from pouncing. Fortunately, Remus arrived just in time.

"So the pet arrives at last."

Remus placed a hand on my forearm to keep me back. Typically, I'm not a very confrontational person. However, it had been a very emotional afternoon with Remus. And I knew "my time" was approaching so my hormones were a bit haywire at the moment. Not to mention the situation involved persons I cared a great deal about.

"How can we help you, Severus?" Remus asked in a tired manner.

Snape paused a moment. "It seems Mr. Potter's head was spotted in Hogsmeade this afternoon…"

"His head's not detachable, Snape," I said bitingly.

"…So," he continued with a growl. "I asked him to turn out his pockets and this is what I found. A Zonko's bag and this."

He handed Remus a bit of parchment. It wasn't just any parchment, however; it was the map. And yet…it wasn't. Remus paled slightly as he looked at it, but I couldn't stop my small smirk.

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.

Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git.

Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor.

Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

"Well… Mr. Moony seems a bit polite. Would you agree, Remus?" I asked.

Remus was clearly not amused.

"Clearly it's full of Dark Magic. This is supposed to be your area of expertise, Lupin."

I laughed loudly. "Dark Magic, really, Severus? Just because it says something you don't like?"

Remus flashed me a warning glare which I ignored. Snape grunted.

"I agree with Professor Porter," Remus said at last. Snape's eyes narrowed into thin slits. "In that I hardly think there is any Dark Magic involved in this. It merely looks like a bit of parchment designed to insult anyone who tries to read it. I suspect it's a Zonko's product."

"You don't think it's more likely that he got this directly from the manufacturers?" Snape said as his eyes flashed over to me.

"You mean from Mr. Wormtail or one of these people? Harry, do you know any of these gentlemen?" Remus asked. Snape huffed at 'gentlemen.'

"No!" Harry said quickly.

"There you have it, Severus."

At that moment, Ron rushed in. He was panting for breath and clutching at what appeared to be a stitch in his side.

"I…bought that…stuff from Zonko's… Gave it…to Harry…ages ago…"

"That settles it then. A good day to you, Severus. Harry, Ron, come with me. I need a word about that Vampire essay. Professor Porter, if you please."

The four of us left Snape's office quickly. I grabbed Harry's Zonko bag and Remus still had possession of the map. We briskly began walking back to the Entrance Hall; Remus was still upset. I tried to lighten the mood.

"Nice timing, Ronald; though, a moment sooner would have been just as nice."

Remus wasn't having it though, and he turned his anger on me.

"You shouldn't incite Snape like that," he said in a low, dangerous voice.

"I'm not afraid of Severus Snape," I bit back. "If I can face off with my Father and live to tell the tale, then I sure as hell can handle my own against Snape."

Remus turned on me quickly in the hall. "Barely. Barely survived your Father, or do I need to remind you exactly what went down."

I grit my teeth. "Careful, Remus, or one might mistake your words for someone who still cares."

We were locked in an intense stare down.

"Not so fast you two," he said, hand out to stop Harry and Ron from slipping away. Then he held up the map to me. "Did you know about this?"

I looked down my nose at the now blank parchment.

"You mean the bit of parchment from Zonko's?"

Remus' glare was cold and firm, but I wasn't backing down either. "It's a map," he said. "A very detailed map of Hogwarts."

"Sounds ruddy brilliant to me. Those Mrs. Padfoot and Prongs must have been quite the geniuses."

Remus' glare before held nothing on the one he had now. I knew I'd really mucked up. I cursed the Potter temper. Remus then turned his attention to Harry and Ron.

"Professor, I…"

"I don't want explanations, Harry," Remus said. "Yes I know this is a map. And I am astounded you didn't hand it in. Particularly after what happened the last time a student left information about the castle lying around."

His eyes flashed to Ron. Sirius had managed to break into the Gryffindor Tower because Neville had left the passwords lying around.

"I won't cover up for you again, Harry," Remus said a little calmer than before. "I cannot make you take threat of Black seriously, but I would have thought that what you heard when the Dementors draw near you would have had more of an effect on you. Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them—gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks."

Remus turned back to me. The look he had for me made me feel like the scolded child.

"Now, Professor Porter, about that other matter we needed to discuss…"

"Later, Remus. I'm too emotionally drained at the moment."

"My thoughts precisely."

He turned and stalked off, leaving me alone with Harry and Ron.

"I'd appreciate it, boys, if you didn't mention this incident to Jonathan."

"Sure thing, Professor Porter," Ron said.

I gave a weak smile and handed Harry his bag. Then I made my way out the front doors. I really felt the need for a strong ale.

So if you're a bit confused about the incident in Snape's office, then it might have escaped your attention that this story is more in line with the book than the movie. (All except for an incident that will occur a few chapters later with a certain Wolf.)

So there we have it. The reason Katherine exists, the reason Kate took a back seat. I hope it all makes sense to you. If you have questions, please ask and I will try to explain it better.

I know some people really hate Peter, but I think it's important to remember that he was one of James' Best Friends. The things he did for Kate in this chapter I hope really show that; he was there for her when no one else was. She trusted him to keep her safe, in and out of the house. He stepped up and took on the role Remus should have, changing nappies (or diapers for us Americans), watching Jonathan so Kate could sleep. It's the little things that made him such an essential friend to Kate.