21
New York City, NY
They decided to leave the PI office early so he could take her shopping.
"You don't have to buy me a new phone, Rick. Lanie's old one is working perfectly."
"That thing is older than Lily. The Beckett I know loves her gadgets as much as I do. Okay maybe not quite as much, but even you have to agree that thing is ancient. Barely functioning."
She'd rolled her eyes and protested, and then protested some more, as Kate Beckett was apt to do, but eventually she caved. As she almost always did when he persisted and truth was, he was pleased to see that his persistence still had that effect on her.
He'd also caught the delight on her face when she relented, so naturally he then bought her the newest, shiniest, priciest Iphone he could find and got her a two-year plan along with it.
He wanted to buy her other things too. Clothes for starters. She was still layered in the hoodie and jean jacket he'd bought her in Albany, looking more like a broke student than the woman whose wardrobe had once forced him to install a new closet at the loft after she moved in.
He'd given away all her clothes after he started seeing the court-ordered therapist because the guy had insisted he get rid of it. Something about closure and acceptance, and other well-meaning words that they'd hammered into him on a regular basis for eleven weeks.
He went along with everything because back then he was willing to do whatever it took to make sure he didn't lose Lily.
But now it filled him with regret.
After their shopping excursion, they'd picked up a surprised Lily who hadn't expected to find her mother sitting in the car. Kate had then moved to the back seat to sit next to her and from occasional glances in the rear-view mirror, Castle could see Kate's fingers fidget nervously with her new Iphone while she tried to make casual conversation with their daughter.
Lily had been unusually quiet on the ride home and Castle made a mental note to ask her if anything was going on. Much like her mother, he often had to fight tooth and nail until she opened up to him. Lily Castle wasn't much of a sharer, and on that front, he often wished she'd gotten his genes instead of Kate's.
But now they were back at the loft and his daughter was in the shower, washing all that chlorine out of her long hair, while he was in the kitchen cooking up a storm, sporadically stealing a glance at Kate in the living room.
He'd opened a bottle of red wine and poured her half a glass. She'd accepted it with a silent nod but had barely taken more than a few sips.
Instead, he caught her inspecting her old home from the corner of his eyes. Running her fingers along shelves and pausing to stare at the new and unfamiliar photographs.
There were only a couple of her still there, one of the three of them at Lily's second birthday party and another one of Kate and Lily bundled up in down coats and goofing around in Central Park, after a record snowfall had shut the city down and turned it into a winter wonderland.
He'd taken a lot of photos that day, at the risk of frostbite.
Worth it though. Every single one of them.
Getting rid of the countless photos of her was one more thing his therapist had told him to discard (he'd put them away, in a box in storage, but hadn't gone so far as to throw them out). For himself, and later, for Hayley.
Most of the photos Kate was now looking at were of his girls and his new wife, and whenever he caught a glimpse of the melancholy way she stared at them, it intensified the knot in his gut, robbing him of his appetite, in spite of the delicious smells that were now filling the loft.
He'd barely noticed Kate inching into the kitchen, the glass of wine in her hand and the brand-new phone peaking out of the pocket of her hoodie.
"Can I help?"
He turned his attention away from the alfredo sauce in the pan. The original plan was a simple pasta alfredo, but now he'd added chicken into the mix. Probably because Kate's cheekbones were still so pronounced and her clothes still swam on her, that the urge to feed her was strong.
"No. It's okay. Sit down. Watch TV if you want. Play video games. Destiny 2 is there. Just came out."
She looked tired too. As if the trip to the PI office and the Apple store before picking up Lily at the gym had worn her out.
But the suggestion had made her smirk and take a sip of wine. "I'm good thanks."
"You can a nap if you want. Dinner and Lily will probably be another twenty minutes."
She started at him and didn't say anything, and for an instant he blushed at his choice of words. Nap used to be their code for activities in bed that involved anything but napping.
He wondered if she remembered it too. If that was why she was looking at him like-
Kate swirled the wine in her glass. "I can't remember the last time I had wine."
"Let me know if you want more."
She shook her head, leaned against the counter, and watched him cook instead.
Kate Beckett wasn't particularly chatty, never had been, at least not compared to his two ex-wives and he'd always been entirely comfortable in her silence, but to have her staring at him now, with an intensity that he was no longer familiar with, did unsettle him a little.
He was deboning a chicken thigh when he caught her moving a hand to her stomach, pressing a flat palm against it.
"You okay?"
"Yeah…"
But her hand lingered there. "You sure?"
He saw what almost looked like a smile. "Stomach's growling."
"Ah-" He returned her smile. "Hungry?"
"Yeah."
"What'd you have for lunch?"
She contemplated the simple question, longer than it should have taken. "I didn't. Forgot I guess." She must have caught the cringe on his face. "I had breakfast."
Castle tightened his lips, trying to focus on the raw meat on the cutting board. Trying not to be angry with Lanie who clearly wasn't up to the task of taking care of someone who wasn't ready to take care of herself yet and-
"Castle…" Her voice cut off his thoughts. "I just forgot, that's all. I used to forget lunch all the time. No big deal. Okay?"
He clenched his lips. Except you've never been this thin. "I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to."
He focused on the chicken and the sauce and could hear the noise of the hair dryer coming from the bathroom upstairs.
And then the sound of breaking glass whipped his head back in Beckett's direction.
He dropped everything and jumped to her side, saw the broken wine glass on the floor in a pool of red, while Kate was breathing hard and staring right past him into the kitchen wall.
"Kate," he stood in front of her, forcing her eyes to focus on him as he pulled her into his space. His hand cupped her neck. "Look at me, Kate."
She finally blinked, narrowed her gaze on him and gasped while she did it.
It took her a few seconds to catch her breath, and it gave him the chance to pull her even closer, letting her rest her forehead on his chest. After all, she was at least half a head shorter than him without heels.
"Just breathe," he whispered into her hair. "It's okay. You're safe."
He held on to her and waited until she stopped wheezing, until her breathing was normal enough that he wasn't tempted to get her a paper bag. Or call 911.
He noticed that his hands were shaking too. "What happened?"
"I was starving."
"What?" He didn't understand.
"I remembered being in this room and I was so hungry, I was delirious with it. It's all I could think about and then suddenly he kicked a bowl across the room and there was some rice in it. I wanted it so badly, I crawled to get it…"
Castle swallowed. He thought he might be sick and he forced down the bile in his throat.
If I ever find you, I will kill you. That's a promise.
"But then…" Her eyes were watering and she clenched her lips angrily. "He took it away and said…he said I knew what I had to do to get it."
He blackmailed you for food. Castle held her tighter. "You said he. Do you remember a face?"
Beckett dabbed at her tears, drying them with a swipe of her finger. "No…I couldn't see his face." Then she saw the broken wine glass lying at her feet. "I'm sorry."
Castle shook his head. "Don't. Have you been remembering other things too?"
"No. This is the first time."
"Hey," his hand cupped her jaw. "Maybe that's good. Maybe it means you'll remember other things too."
"Maybe it's 'cause I was hungry. That's what triggered it." She exhaled and gave him a sad look. "If these are my memories, I'm not sure I want to remember more, Rick."
She bent down and started picking up the glass.
"Leave it," he told her, stepping away to get the dust pan.
But of course she didn't listen and by the time he'd brought it to her, she'd already picked up the largest shards and dumped them in his trash bin. He kneeled down to clean up the rest only to have her join him with a wet cloth to wipe up the wine.
"I'm sorry," she repeated. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"Don't apologize, please," he reiterated.
"I'm glad it didn't happen around Lily," she added. "Last thing I want to do is freak her out."
"She understands, Kate. I've talked to her. She knows you went through a tough time."
"She lost her mother for six years! She doesn't need to deal with my trauma on top of it now that I'm back."
He raised his brows, "You don't need to protect her from you, that's all I'm saying. Lily's not a baby anymore."
"Dad!" Lily's voice rang from the kitchen. "Your sauce is coming out of the pan!"
"Shit," Castle leapt back towards the stove and took the overflowing sauce pan from his daughter's hand and lowered the heat before setting it back down.
Lily stared up at him. The ends of her long hair were still wet after her shower. "I heard something break. Did you drop something?"
Castle's eyes searched for Kate in the living room, but he couldn't see her. She probably went to the bathroom to compose herself.
He began stirring the thick white sauce. It was salvageable. "Your Mom dropped a glass."
"How come?"
"It slipped out of her hand."
"Why?"
"I don't know, Lilybear." Castle made a face. "Same way my favourite Avengers mug slipped out of your butterfingers last week?"
Lily looked sheepish and acknowledged the reprimand. "Can I go to my room until dinner's ready? Dani and Elise want to chat about the …"
But Castle had already pulled a garlic press out of a drawer and handed it her. "You can stay here and help me make dinner."
She groaned as dramatically as only a nine-year old could. Loudly enough that it made Castle set down the knife he was holding and command her attention. "Hey. It's the first time your mother's here since we got her back. She came here to see you. You're not going to hole yourself up in your room tonight. Got it?"
What he got for an answer was a subtle nod along with another pout for good measure, before her deft little fingers channeled her irritation into the first garlic clove she saw and shoved it into the press with an extra measure of force.
But Lily's annoyance never lasted long and he could've sworn he heard her humming a tune once she started setting the table for the three of them.
It left a lump in his throat. Because this wasn't something he ever imagined witnessing. That ordinary, everyday act of Lily setting a plate for her mother at their table.
Once the food was ready, Lily dug in and he was glad he added the chicken. His daughter was always starving after her swim practices and she was growing so much faster than Alexis did at that age. If she kept it up, she'd soon be as tall as Kate.
Kate was digging in too and that made him just as happy, the knowledge that he could still woo her with his culinary skills. But more so than the food, Kate's focus was on her daughter and again she was trying hard to make conversation with her.
"I heard you're an amazing swimmer."
Lily shrugged her shoulders, mouth full. "I'm okay, I guess."
"Okay?" Castle raised his brows. He was devouring his pasta too, appetite or no appetite, it never seemed to make much difference for him. "Why don't you tell your Mom about the last meet and how your school won it?"
He was met with an embarrassed plea to stop. "Dad…"
But Kate wanted to know. Eager to soak up everything about her. "Tell me about it, Lily."
"We won."
"You didn't just win! Your school was behind until that last two hundred metre freestyle race, which you won by how much?"
Kate's eyes lit up. Full of pride.
"Well?" Castle prodded.
"I won by twelve seconds."
"Twelve seconds?" Kate's jaw dropped. "Are you kidding me? That's amazing."
"The second-place swimmer was more than half a lane behind her. That race clinched the win for her entire school."
Kate grinned with delight. "I'd love to come to your next race."
Lily helped herself to another serving of pasta and turned her attention back on the food. "I don't know when the next race is."
"Yeah, you do," Castle corrected her. "What about the relay this weekend?"
"It's just a relay," she mumbled not looking at either of them. "It's not a big deal."
"Doesn't matter. I'd love to come," Kate repeated, with so much eagerness that it tore at him.
"Relay's not my best event."
"We'll both be there," Castle told her.
That got him an inexplicably angry glare from his daughter, who quickly wolfed down the rest of her serving and got up with the empty plate in hand. "I'm done. Can I go do my homework now?"
Castle gave her as stern of a look at he could muster. Willing her to keep her annoyed little face at the table without having to resort to threats in front of Kate. He couldn't wrap his head around what had suddenly gotten into her. Where this hostility was coming from. "I'm sure it can wait another half hour. We have cookie dough ice cream in the freezer."
It was her favourite and tonight he was willing to resort to blackmail to keep her around a bit longer.
"I have a spelling test tomorrow. You don't want me to fail it, do you?"
"Lily-" He clenched his teeth. Clearly he needed to have a talk with her and get to the bottom of this.
"It's okay," Kate cut in softly, trying so heartbreakingly hard not to hide her disappointment. "If you have to do your homework, go ahead. Go kick butt on that spelling test tomorrow."
"Thanks," Lily mumbled before heading off into the kitchen to drop her dishes in the dishwasher, before racing up the stairs.
"I'm sorry," Castle told Kate whose eyes followed Lily up the stairs before picked up her wineglass and took a generous sip. "I think maybe something's up with her friends, that she had a bad day and…"
"I think she's angry with me."
"She has no reason to be."
"I left her for six years."
"You didn't leave her, Kate. Some monster kidnapped you and did God knows…" He had to rein in his anger. Everything about this filled him with rage and made him want to punch a wall.
"It's okay," her hand reached across the table for his. "I know this will take time. I don't expect to be able to come back into her life as though the last six years never happened. I'll make the time to let her know that I'm here for her now. She's still my kid, I can handle it."
Shouldn't have to, he thought, squeezing her hand back.
That's when he heard the key turning in the lock of his door.
Both Castle and Beckett turned their heads to see Hayley enter the loft, holding a bottle of red wine in her hand.
Kate's hand slid away from his with lightning speed.
But it was too late.
"Wow." The hurt was indelible on Hayley's face and it made Castle's insides churn. "I guess there's no need for me to surprise my husband for a romantic dinner when he's already having one with his other wife."
Castle got up from the table to meet her. "This is not what you think…"
Hayley angrily threw the bottle of wine onto the dining room sofa, not bothering to take off her shoes or put down the overnight duffle bag that she'd slung over her shoulder. "Fuck you, Rick."
Then she turned around and headed back out, slamming the door behind her.
Meanwhile, Kate had cleared her dishes and gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here tonight."
Every instinct wanted to grab her and hold on.
"I should go," Kate told him, grabbing her new phone from the dining room table and stuffing it into the pocket of her black hoodie.
No. Don't.
But she too was out the door before he could protest, leaving him standing alone in his living room.
A/N: I'm taking a posting break next Sunday because I'll be spending the holiday weekend in a wifi-free zone. Giant thank you to those reading and taking the time to leave me your feedback. Wish you a beautiful festive season and see you in two weeks. :)