The Bizarre Saga: Twilight Princess
Chapter 21: They are Not Dragon Tamers
Previously on The Bizarre Saga, Link was loved by cats, Saria insisted they finish the adventure in three chapters at most, Navi was a traitor, Midna called Nathan a portable oven, Nathan made a cookie in his hand, and Ilia decided that she will no longer continuously talk about MLP.
Now for Chapter Twenty-one.
"All right guys!" Saria said, clapping once. "We have three chapters to save the world!"
"Dawn of the first chapter, three chapters remain!" Link stated.
Navi snickered. "So if we fail, we need to play the Song of Time?" she asked jokingly.
"Okay, everybody think of the easiest way we can possibly get to the sky without having to use a ton of scene transitions!" Saria told them. "That'll just make the story seem crappily written, so we need to think of something better or else it'll become as terrible as the beginning of Ocarina of Time!"
"So the next temple is in the sky, right?" Link asked. "Can't we just take the helicopter?"
"No, the helicopter can't fly that high up, I think," Navi told him. "The next temple is supposed to be far above the clouds, according to the guide."
"What about Kevina? She flew all of us and Dark to the Temple of Time, I'm pretty sure she can take us to the sky temple. Somebody find a piece of paper, I'll send her a letter. Since the postman can always find us no matter where we are, I think he'll be able to find her. HEY, POSTMAN!"
The Postman broke another hole in the wall. "I am here!" he stated.
Link grabbed the piece of paper that Navi found for him and scribbled something down on it. "Take this to Kevina the golden cucco! We insist for her help!"
"It has no stamp, but I completely understand the situation! IT SHALL BE DELIVERED!" The Postman took the letter and broke yet another hole in the wall to leave.
"Why hasn't the building collapsed yet?!" Navi yelled.
"I don't feel safe in here anymore…" Nathan stated.
In not even twenty seconds, the Postman ran in again… by breaking another hole in the wall. The now-unstable building shook.
"IT'S GONNA FALL!" Saria shouted, and everybody quickly left the unstable building. It collapsed almost immediately after.
"… What about Shad?" Ilia wondered.
"I have a letter from Kevina!" the Postman stated, holding up a piece of paper.
"That was way too fast!" Nathan said.
"The postman can bend space, apparently," Navi commented.
Saria took the letter from the Postman and read it aloud, "Dear Heroes, I am incapable of flying directly upward for that long of a time, especially with three people hanging onto me! Are you insane? From Kevina."
They all paused.
"Well crap," Link said.
"Maybe we do have to use a cannon…" Navi spoke.
"Wait!" Saria exclaimed, having an idea. "If the postman can bend space, he can go do everything for us in a ridiculously fast amount of time!"
"I only deliver letters," the postman said.
"Or… go give a letter to some master engineer who can build a cannon for us! IT'S BRILLIANT!"
"But we don't know any master engineers!" Navi said. "Where the heck are we going to find one?"
"That clown guy who's supposed to repair the actual cannon is a master engineer," Nathan stated. "But I don't think he can make a cannon from scratch."
"So we would need to find the broken cannon he's supposed to repair," Saria spoke. "I have another idea! Rather than doing that incredibly long statue thing, I'll just blow up the wall going in there. Why didn't we think of that before?"
She walked into the ruins of the building and recklessly shot a bomb arrow right about where the entrance to the basement would be. It blew up all the ruin around it, opening up the hole again.
"Goodness!" Shad exclaimed. "You just had to use explosives?! The ceiling almost collapsed!"
"I use explosives whenever possible, not whenever necessary," Saria told him.
"Saria, if you blow something up down there, I think the entire room will fall apart!" Navi warned her. "There has to be a different way!"
"I don't know, how about we freaking look up the spell in the strategy guide?!" Link finally suggested. "Shouldn't it be there?!"
"No, it's not," Nathan told him. Link groaned.
"You know? Screw this!" Saria yelled. "Everybody, take cover! I'm going to blow up the floor until I find the room with the cannon in it! We've been sitting here trying to think of how to get things done without actually doing anything!"
"Won't you be accused of blowing up this building, too?" Navi asked her. "Considering you're wandering around outside with bomb arrows."
"HEEEEY!" the Postman suddenly yelled. He took out a letter. "Kevina has sent you another letter."
"W-what?! But you've been here the entire time! How the heck did you get that?!"
"You shall never underestimate the power of the postman."
Saria took the letter from him, and read it aloud again. "Dear Heroes, I just leveled up! Now I am able to take you to the sky! I shall be there shortly, expect a limo to drive up! From Kevina."
Again, there was a long pause. Then Kevina dropped from the sky.
"I was just kidding," she stated. "No limos. I shall fly you to the City in the Sky! Don't let go of me, because if you do, you die!"
"Wow, that's incredibly reassuring…" Link muttered.
"Don't worry, you would've died if you let go of me while flying to the Temple of Time, too. We were flying over a gigantic bottomless chasm for part of the time. But first, you must go to Lake Hylia, because that is where the City in the Sky is closest to!"
"Midna! Warp us!" Saria ordered.
"Sorry, I can't, there are still a ton of people around," Midna told her.
"Who cares?! I don't think somebody turning into a wolf or warping away is any weirder than a magic, flying golden cucco who can talk!"
"Do not worry, for my level-up has given me the ability to fly at incredible speeds!" Kevina stated. "We shall be there in no time at all!"
"I don't think it's possible to go somewhere in no time," Link said.
"Link, stop taking everything so literally," Navi told him. "When people say that, they mean in short time."
"Then why don't they say that?!"
Clearly, Link is not happy with the English language. But then again, it really doesn't make any sense.
With all of the people living in Kakariko practically staring, Kevina flew off with the entire team all the way to Lake Hylia, and then straight up into the sky. After a terrifying trip to who knows how high, they finally reached their destination.
"Are we there yet?" Link complained.
"We get there when we get there!" Kevina yelled at him. "Oh wait, never mind. We're here."
The three of them hanging onto her dropped down, right into a pool of water. The clouds were so thick up there they could barely tell it was water before they landed in it.
"Oh, seriously?!" Saria shouted in annoyance. "Couldn't you have stopped above land?!"
"The wind is very strong up here, landing would not be a simple task," Kevina told her. "I must leave quickly before my arch nemesis becomes aware of my presence here." She jumped right off the edge and flew down to the surface like a jet.
"I wonder who her arch nemesis is," Link stated.
Suddenly, a crowd of Oocca burst out of a single building. "The exterminators have come!" they cheered at the same time. "Our lives shall be saved!"
"What the heck are you talking about?" Saria asked. "We're just here to find some mirror shard."
Again, they all spoke at the same time, "We saw that you had a sword, therefore you are automatically the exterminator that shall destroy the evil that lies here."
"Oh, just the boss," Link said.
"Finally that giant dragon that keeps threatening to eat our people shall be destroyed!"
The team paused.
"… Did you just say giant dragon…?" Saria asked slowly.
"Yes, indeed we did!" the Oocca told her.
Saria jumped up in excitement. "That sounds like the greatest boss EVER! Finally, we fight a real boss, and not some stupid possessed thing or creation of a maniac!"
"Or maybe, rather than killing it, we could use it…" Nathan said, grinning evilly. Smiling, Saria turned to him, pleased with the idea.
"A dragon follows our command and completely destroys everything!" Soon enough, Saria and Nathan were both laughing maniacally.
"But we still need to find it," Navi spoke. "And we don't even know if we'll be able to 'tame' it. This dragon might be stronger than you think, and the only thing we may be able to do is defeat it."
"Do we really need a pet dragon?" Link asked, sighing. "Aren't we already over-powered enough as it is? Listen, we never need to put any effort into killing anything, we never need to work as a team, and it's like we're all here just so there can be more dialogue."
Navi raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying that this isn't enough of a challenge for us?"
"No duh! This has never been a challenge! Just think about it! Saria is way too powerful, we always have a strategy guide or know exactly what to do, and the rest of us hardly do anything except talk."
"Isn't that what parodies usually are?" Saria asked him.
"Yeah, but straight parodies are for kids! When you get older, people want to read things with some actual plot and feeling!" Unless, of course, you're an immature teenaged boy. Or me.
"Well, I guess we can look forward to the next story, then," Navi said.
"ALERT! ALERT!" the group of Oocca exclaimed, "SOMETHING EVIL COMES! Quickly, take this treasure!" The bird-humans shoved a treasure chest in front of them and ran back into the building as quickly as possible.
"The dragon?!" Saria asked excitedly. She dashed to the treasure chest despite the strong wind and flipped the lid open.
Saria got another Clawshot!
"Whoa, there's a huge pile of those in there," Link stated, taking another for himself.
"They shall be called the Double Clawshots!" Saria said, holding them in the air, one on each hand. "We shall claim this dragon! All in favor, say 'We blow things up for fun'!"
"That makes it sound like you're referring to the dragon as property," Navi spoke.
"Maybe I am."
"Geez, even if it's an evil dragon, that's still pretty heartless. Did I ever tell you that you're pretty heartless most of the time?"
Saria hmphed. "Oh, come on. I'm not that bad. If I was, I wouldn't have guys coming after me all the time." She paused and looked at the ground. "Not that it matters…"
Link and Nathan stood there and said nothing. Then they looked at the ground, too.
The awkward silence was eventually broken by Midna bursting out laughing. Everybody looked at her. "Sorry, that was hilarious!" she said.
It was at that moment when the dragon flew into the area and caught everyone's attention.
"Holy crap, there it is!" Saria exclaimed. She drew her sword and stared the dragon in the eye. "Surrender or face my wrath!"
"Hahahaha!" the dragon laughed in response, since it could apparently talk. "I am not an ordinary dragon! I am a dragon with armor, and your sword shall not make a dent in it!"
Saria blinked. "Whoa, it talks?! Awesome!" She shook her head. "All right, back to what we're supposed to be doing. Listen, dragon, you either surrender or die! I have never been defeated!"
The dragon rolled his eyes. "Like I said, you cannot hurt me with a sword."
"OH, you did not just roll your eyes at me! If I can't use my sword, I'll just use this incredibly risky method instead!" Saria took out her clawshots again and shot it at the dragon's tail.
"Are you insane?!" Navi yelled. "What are you trying to do, climb on it?!"
Saria grinned. "Nope, I'm just dragging him down here. It's risky because it could easily crush some unsuspecting person." She put on her iron boots and started walking backwards, pulling the dragon towards her, because apparently, the iron boots are THAT heavy.
"HEY!" the dragon shouted, obviously not amused. "What do you think your doing?!" He was yanked into the ground, breaking some of his armor.
"It's such a shame that I'm going to have to kill you for not surrendering."
"I swear, sometimes I wonder who the real villain is in a situation like this…" Link stated.
"I'm a boss!" the dragon growled, trying to fly up again. "I either win or die, I don't surrender!"
"Is that so?" Saria asked, yanking the dragon into the ground again. The rest of his armor fell off as a result.
"Now do you know what I mean by the fact that we never do anything as a team?" Link asked her, sighing.
"STOP DOING THAT!" the dragon roared in frustration. "Why does my tail have to be inconveniently shaped like this?!" He smacked his tail into Saria, forcefully shoving her into the building that all the Oocca were hiding in.
"SARIA!" Link and Nathan yelled at the exact same time, turning their heads also at the same time. They looked at each other with strange looks on their faces, then turned their heads at the same time again. Then they stopped and looked at each other.
"Nathan, go attack the dragon, I'll go to Saria!" Link said.
"No, you go attack the dragon, I'll go to Saria!" Nathan insisted.
"You bunch of idiots!" Navi yelled, causing the two of them to freeze. "Shut up and do something actually helpful rather than fight each other!"
"How?!" Link asked her. "I don't know how to kill a giant dragon! I'm not good at coming up with good ideas fast!"
"I dunno, shoot a bomb arrow at it? Think like Saria! Her ridiculous and reckless plans always work! Now, you're wasting precious time!"
"All right, fine then! I'll see if that works!" Link took out his bow and drew a bomb arrow. "I'm… the hero!" He shot it at the dragon and it hit the beast right in the face. Well, it blew up right in his face.
"MY EYES!" the dragon screamed, flying into a pillar.
"Go, finish him!" Navi encouraged.
"I WILL!" Link stated, holding his sword up. He ran over to the dragon, who was lying on the ground after what just happened, and he stuck his sword in the dragon's head Ganon-kill style. "You better be dead now!"
"O-ow…" the dragon muttered. Link growled and pushed his sword further into the dragon's head. The dragon twitched in response and stopped moving, and soon Zelda-ploded.
"All right, there we go!" Link did his copyrighted sword move and turned back to the team. "I don't know whether I'm overpowered or that dragon just died easily."
"Maybe both?" they heard Saria say, walking out of the building from earlier.
"You're okay!" Link and Nathan exclaimed at the same time.
"Hey, remember that blue chu chu I ate back in Chapter Eleven, and put it in a bottle? Yeah, it has the same effect as a potion."
"It was still good?" Navi asked. "I mean, you've have it for quite a while now."
"Pfft, there's no such thing as spoiling food in these games. You could take a bottle of milk seven years forward in time and it would still be good."
"Maybe it's the bottles," Link said. "The bottles must be magical and prevent things from going bad."
"In that case, when we sell them after our adventure is over, we can sell them for a huge ton of money!"
Navi sighed. "Who would believe that a regular-looking bottle could keep things from going bad?"
Link hmphed. "Says the one that thought no one would believe the moon would fall and kill everyone in three days," he said.
"There seemed to be something wrong with those people."
"Racist."
"What?! They were Hylians!"
"No, they were Terminans. Even if they were Hylians, it's still racist because you're a fairy and not a Hylian. And even if you were a Hylian, it would still be rude because it's like a person insulting another person just because they're from another area."
"You're not supposed to correct me! I've always been the smarter one!"
"Well, I've gotten smarter, if you haven't noticed!"
"I thought you just got more sarcastic!"
"You've gotten more rude!"
"I have not!"
"You're also more stubborn than I thought you were!"
"Shut up, guys!" Saria yelled, getting fed up. "Geez, this is the first time you've fought like this!"
"I will not let him have the last word!" Navi insisted.
"See? You are stubborn!" Link said with a growl.
"Is that a problem?! Nobody likes losing!"
"DON'T MAKE ME GET THE DUCT TAPE AND THE TELETUBBIES OUT!" Saria screamed. Link and Navi froze. "You're not supposed to fight! Since when has that been part of your character?! This is ridiculous and pointless! Oh, look, the mirror shard! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"
Midna got the Mirror Shard!
Everybody was quiet.
"… Since when has it done that…?" Nathan wondered.
"Since now," Midna told him. "WARPING TIME!"
Within a few seconds, they had warped to the top of the Arbiter's Grounds where the Mirror of Twilight was located.
"All right guys, this scene is going to be really really important so you need to shut up and watch." All of the piece of the mirror that Midna was carrying floated out and reconnected to the one that was still on the frame. Suddenly, the sages appeared behind them…
"GO AWAY," everyone but Nathan shouted at the same time.
"Oh, are we all saying things at the same time, now?" Nate asked. "Sorry for not knowing…"
"Crap," Midna muttered, suddenly realizing something. "I forgot the order of the times you learn about my past. I don't think you were supposed to know I was turned into an imp until now."
"Ah, not that big of a deal, right?" Saria said. "I mean, they're just flashbacks."
"… Hello?" one of the sages started.
"I SAID GO AWAY!" Midna instantly responded. "You're not even important!"
"All right, fine! Be that way! We have much better things to do, anyway!" The sage turned to the rest of the sages. "Right?"
The other four remained silent.
From the Mirror of Twilight, a light shone onto a giant rock that happened to be chained up in front of the mirror. A black and white portal appeared on it.
"Whoa…" Link spoke in awe.
"All right, guys…" Midna started, turning back to the rest of the team. "On the other side of this portal, a regular person may be terrified, but I think you guys can handle this considering what you've been through."
Link rose an eyebrow. "Why would they be terrified?"
"I dunno, maybe they would be scared that they would fall, or what all of the Twili look like, possibly the sounds they make…" She shook her head. "Eh, whatever. That's irrelevant. Anyway, if we can manage to defeat Zant, the curse that turned me into an imp will be lifted and we might be able to bring Zelda back to life!"
"Didn't her body disappear?" Navi asked.
Midna paused. "… Maybe? Um, let's just go into the Twilight Realm and leave these poor excuses of sages behind."
"Hey!" all of the sages yelled at the exact same time.
So, the team pressed on into the Twilight Realm, unaware of what might happen in the upcoming chapter…