Chapter Twenty "Deep Breath"
Jody headed off that morning to go get Annie and return to the bunker. Meanwhile, Dean, Sam, Cas, and Benny left for Seattle. It was still early enough that the sun was behind them as they drove. As such. Dean and Benny sat in the front seat. They would switch as soon as it was past noon. Which would take a while because they gained an hour for every time zone they crossed.
Dean was enjoying the sound of the engine and the radio, watching the miles pass by. He still couldn't completely forget about the strong scent in the backseat, but he was a little better now that he'd gotten used to being around Cas. They would have to figure this out soon, but he wasn't going to talk about it in front of anyone else. The thought of Sam or Benny knowing... Dean focused on the road ahead. He could hear Benny's voice, telling the others about their "adventures" thus far. It was kind of relaxing to hear that Louisiana drawl carrying on mile after mile.
Sam told Cas about finding Dean, most of which Dean already knew. It wasn't until Cas mentioned something about Crowley that Dean perked up.
"What'd he have to do with it?"
Sam's reflection in the rearview mirror looked sheepish. "He's the one who got me in," Sam said.
"I thought you got a reaper like last time." Dean could feel his voice growing deeper into more threatening territory.
"I never said that."
Dean hit the steering wheel with the heel of his hand. "Damn it, Sam, why'd you go to Crowley?"
"Because no one else would help," Sam argued. He wasn't the least bit sorry.
"What did you give him?"
"What do you mean?"
"Come on. I know he wouldn't help you for free."
"Considering past deals, I think I got off easy."
"What did you do, Sam?"
"I just promised him we wouldn't try to kill him."
Dean was stunned into silence for a moment. "What kind of deal is that? We can't kill the King of Hell?"
"Unless we want him to send you back."
"Oh, that's something. You can just off him when I'm gone."
"What do you mean, when you're gone?" Cas interrupted.
"I'm not staying for good," Dean said. "Just until this thing with the Alpha is all sorted out."
"Oh."
Dean could hear the disappointment in Cas' voice. He hadn't really wanted to talk about this now, but here it was. His arm was killing him, and the mood in the car was getting more awkward by the moment.
"The good thing is," Dean went on, "Crowley's not gonna claim Sam's soul or anything."
"You really think I would have made that deal?" Sam asked.
"I think you would have done just about anything," Dean said. It wasn't some big revelation or challenge—it was just a fact that Sam would do the same kinds of crazy things that Dean did. They were more similar than they were different.
"Who exactly are we going to find?" Cas changed the subject.
"It's—"
"A long story. I know. We have a long drive."
Dean shrugged. "Well, a couple years ago, Sam and I were tracking down these Amazons in Seattle..."
It didn't take as long as Dean thought it might to tell Cas the whole story with a few interjections from Sam. By the time they finished, Cas was deep in thought.
"How do you know for sure her instincts to kill won't come back."
"Even if they do," Dean said, "you'd be surprised what people can resist."
Dean couldn't see Cas in the mirror, but he could imagine the look on his face. Cas knew what Dean was feeling right now. He had to. He had been there the first time. In some ways, he was responsible for it. But Dean wasn't about to make him suffer for that. Maybe it was a mistake, but they couldn't take it back now, and holding things against Cas had never been a productive use of Dean's time.
They continued on in silence for a few more hours, and Dean was starting to notice that he was tired. For what seemed like a very long time, he'd barely been able to sleep, but now he felt as if he could curl up in the backseat and drift away easily. He would have plenty of time for that as soon as they switched places at noon. It suddenly seemed a long way off.
When they finally did stop, Sam went inside for snacks, and Benny immediately moved to the backseat out of the sun. Dean could feel the burning glare, but it didn't bother him as much as he thought it would. Maybe that was cause for concern, but he had bigger problems.
Cas stood outside on the opposite side of the car from Dean. There was no telling how much time they had before Sam got back, but it seemed that some things just couldn't wait.
"I'm sorry I brought this on you," Cas said suddenly.
"What are you talking about?" Dean asked.
"The thirst. For my blood. It's my fault you—"
"Let's get something straight right now: I don't blame you for anything. And even if I did, I'd forgive you, so there's nothing to worry about."
"That doesn't solve our current problem."
"Which one?"
"The one where you need my blood."
"I don't need—"
"Let's not lie to one another, Dean. Our situation is precarious enough."
"Yeah, like how you're dying and all."
Cas' eyes widened. "What?"
"Sam told me your grace was fading. How long you got?"
"There's no way of knowing. We're wasting time. Follow me."
Cas turned at walked toward the building. He was heading for the side where the bathrooms were. Dean got the feeling there was a reason Cas wanted to get out of sight.
"We don't have long," he said, stopping where the shadow of the building created a nice relief from the sun.
"Time for what?" But Dean already knew.
"Which artery do you prefer?"
"Cas—"
"We can't afford to argue about this. You need blood, and I'm giving it to you."
"I'm not gonna—I can't—"
Cas looked at Dean with those wide sympathetic eyes. "You must," he said.
Dean took a deep breath, and his senses were assaulted by the overpowering scent of blood and grace. Cas was right; he needed it. He couldn't hold off any longer. This was so many levels of wrong, but he didn't have a choice. He couldn't stop himself now.
"Just roll up your sleeve," Dean said, harsher than he meant to.
"I hear the radial is quite popular," Cas said as he bared his wrist.
"Can we not talk about this?" Dean wouldn't look Cas in the eye.
"All right," Cas replied. "When you're ready."
Dean could feel the throbbing pulse just beneath the skin. He could almost taste the hot, fresh blood pouring over his tongue. Without choosing to, he felt his second set of teeth descending. He reached for Cas' arm, but he wasn't even thinking about Cas anymore. He didn't see his friend standing there, offering his blood, his life just so Dean could be—what, happy? Alive? He didn't think about any of that as his teeth tore through the flesh of Cas' wrist and the only feeling was of an uncontrollable thirst. He needed this, he wanted this.
He liked this.
It may have only been a few seconds later when Dean pulled away and wiped the blood from his mouth. As soon as he did, he was hit with a stark realization of what he had just done. He was drinking his best friend. He was killing Cas.
Dean finally looked into his friend's eyes. "Cas..."
"It's okay, Dean," Cas said. He looked strangely pale and weak, but he was smiling. "I only want to help you."
That was true. Dean needed to be strong to fight the Alpha, didn't he? No. No, this was all wrong. He couldn't be sucking Cas' blood. That went against everything he stood for, everything he had always believed in.
But what was right anymore? Dean was a vampire. Vampires drank blood. Simple right?
So why did he feel as if he had just committed the unpardonable sin?
~oOo~
When Sam came out of the convenience store, he noticed Dean and Cas also crossing the parking lot from the side of the building.
"You guys go to the bathroom at the same time now?" Sam joked.
"Angels don't urinate," Cas replied.
It was only then that Sam thought about what else they could have been doing back there. "Then why did you go?" Sam said.
Cas hesitated. He seemed strangely tired and pale. "Fresh air," he said.
Sam knew he was lying, but he didn't want to consider all the reasons that might be the case.
"The sun's killing me," Dean said, obviously changing the subject. "Let's roll."
It wasn't unusual for Dean and Cas to be conspiring in some way or another, but Sam didn't like the thought of them sneaking off at a time like this. There was so much at stake, and the idea of keeping all these secrets was unsettling. Of course, Sam had his own secrets too. He never told Dean about Myron, and he'd promised Meg that he wouldn't tell Cas about her. Those things seemed small, but maybe they weren't. And there was the slight nagging feeling that Dean's motives for coming back weren't exactly what Sam wanted them to be. It was silly for him to feel that way, so he wasn't about to mention it, but he felt it all the same.
After Dean and Cas got in the car, Sam moved around to the driver's seat. Cas sat across from him, staring straight ahead, and in the back, Benny was already asleep, and Dean was headed in that direction. Sam couldn't help noticing that Dean didn't have his window open anymore. Sam felt his stomach sinking as he pulled out of the gas station and headed back to the highway. If Dean wasn't bothered by the smell of human blood anymore, that could mean only one thing: he had something better.
Sam glanced over at Cas who seemed to be ignoring him. He wasn't about to ask about it now, but there was no way he could forget what Cas told him, that Dean had drank his blood. He hated to think that was what they were doing behind the gas station, but it would explain a lot.
Sam tried to put the thought out of his mind, but in the quiet car with the road stretching on endlessly ahead, he had nothing to do but think.
"Did it take you a long time?" Cas suddenly asked.
Sam almost jumped in surprise at his voice. "What?"
"To find Dean."
"Oh, yeah, you could say that."
"I'm sorry. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I wish I could have helped more."
"You did." It wasn't until he said it out loud that Sam realized how important Cas really was in getting Dean out of Purgatory. "Knowing you were waiting for us..."
"And telling Dean about my condition."
"I—he mentioned that?"
"Yes. I don't really blame you for bringing it up, I suppose, but... I'd rather he didn't know."
"Nothing you can do about it now. He wants to help you, Cas. I think that's the main reason he came back."
Cas looked at Sam curiously. "He came back for you," he said. "He always comes back for you."
Sam shrugged. "Maybe it's a combination of both. It took him a while to agree to it."
"That was always a concern."
"Yeah, maybe I overestimated my persuasiveness."
"Oh, I don't think so. Perhaps you merely underestimated Dean's resolve. It's been known to happen."
"You'd think I'd know better by now."
"Dean may be predictable at times, but he's certainly not simple. Sometimes his motives are a mystery to all but himself. Or including himself. But somehow, it all comes back to you even in the most roundabout of ways."
"What do you think is gonna happen, Cas?" Sam spared a glance at the angel. "Do you think Dean can save us?"
"I think he's the only one who can," Cas replied. "And I know I am not alone in that. There will surely be losses before this is over, but Dean will do what he always does." Cas turned and faced the passenger window. "He will save the world."
~oOo~
It took just over two days of straight driving to reach Seattle. The four men took turns, Sam and Cas driving in the daytime while Dean and Benny slept, and then switching at night. By the time the arrived at their destination, Sam was obviously exhausted and favoring his injured arm a lot. Cas seemed tired to which would have seemed odd, if not for his failing grace. Benny was sunburned and looking anxious about the dwindling supply of blood in the cooler. Dean thought there might be more to it than that, but he wasn't going to ask.
They had made it. The patch of woods where Dean had buried Emma took a while to find, but he remembered it vividly. No one asked him about her or questioned why he had bothered to keep her body intact. He didn't even understand himself why he hadn't just burned her like all the other monsters.
As they got closer, Emma's soul was becoming more active. Dean remembered the first time when Benny hitched a ride with him, and that had been bad enough, but somehow this seemed worse.
Digging up the grave didn't take quite as long with three of them, and the trees and cloudy skies kept the sun at bay. As soon as Emma's bones were uncovered, Dean reached for his knife.
"You sure about this?" Sam asked.
Dean gave him a look as if to say that was a stupid questions. "Yeah," he said.
Dean didn't hesitate cutting into his arm and releasing Emma's soul. He said the words of the spell that he remembered from the first time. He knew Emma's body would materialize somewhere else, but he didn't know where, so he looked around, waiting for her to show up. When she did appear, she was leaning against a tree with her arms crossed.
"That took you long enough," she said.
"It was a long drive," Dean replied.
"Isn't that what they have planes for?"
Sam laughed. "Dean's afraid of flying."
Benny stared at him. "You are?"
"No," Dean said defensively.
"That explains why you didn't like it when I transported you," Cas said thoughtfully.
"I'm not afraid of flying!" Dean insisted.
"Whatever, man," Sam said. "Last time we flew, you nearly threw up twice."
"It's not like I was gonna leave my car in Maine anyway," Dean argued.
Emma shook her head. "Does this mean I have to ride around with the four of you all the time?"
"Only for 24 hours," Dean said. "Once we get back to Kansas, there won't be so much moving around."
"Speaking of that," Benny said. "We should probably go."
They started walking back through the trees toward the road. The bout of lighthearted joking had improved everyone's morale, but there was still an unspoken tension hovering between all of them. Dean wasn't sure how he knew, but he did; they all had a lot to work out once they got home.
Emma didn't want to sit in the backseat with Dean and Benny, so Cas volunteered. It was a tight fit, but the Impala was big enough to accommodate all of them. Emma seemed to grow suddenly distant as soon as they were in the car. She stared out the window with her eyebrows knit together. Dean might have asked if she were okay, but he had a feeling that might be awkward. There was also the fact that she was stuck in a car full of men, which couldn't have been fun for her no matter how reformed she was.
Dean didn't bother worrying about it then. He was ready to sleep for a few hours. He could deal with Emma later.
One good thing about all this was that Cas' blood seemed to be lasting for a long time. Dean hadn't been thirsty since that morning at the gas station. He drank a little to keep up appearances, but he saved most of what they had for Benny who needed it more. Perhaps this all should have concerned Dean, but he didn't let it get to him. He could hear Cas breathing beside him, and that sound accompanied him as he drifted off to sleep.
Dean had the dream again. The dream where he tore Cas to pieces. He hadn't dreamed about that in months. At least, it felt like months. It was the same, though, down to the last detail. Except, Dean wasn't a demon in this dream anymore; he was a vampire. It wasn't some hypothetical, past scenario. It was now. He was killing Cas, and he was enjoying it. The dream didn't end until Dean had crushed the last flicker of life from his friend and the world went dark.
He woke with a start, almost surprised to find that he hadn't been screaming. Next to him, Cas and Benny were still sleeping. Dean almost thought no one had noticed. But just as he was thinking this, Emma turned around in her seat and faced him. She didn't say anything. She just stared at him long and hard as if she could see what he was thinking.
"What?" he asked, trying to sound innocent, but coming out more nervous.
Emma only stared for a bit longer before turning around again and ignoring him.
Dean settled back into his seat, but he didn't go to sleep again. His mind was full of the images from his dream. Now that he was awake, he could feel the horror of what his subconscious self was doing. But the dream Dean had liked it. And maybe that concerned him most of all.
I'm so sorry I forgot to upload this yesterday. It's been a busy week, and I didn't think of it until late last night as I was going to sleep. And then this morning, I had to go to the woods for a Christmas tree, so now, it's really late. I hope it's worth it.