Chapter 21

The love making had been bittersweet, without words, and with perhaps more desperation than passion. But in the aftermath they clung to each other, lying beneath the lightweight, rumpled sheets, the bedspread tossed aside. They lay together so long, in such silence, that Tami would have guessed he had fallen asleep, if it weren't for the fact that his grip on her was so tight. She shifted against his chest, eased her leg into a more comfortable position between his, and he loosened his hold a little bit.

"Eric," she whispered.

"Yeah?"

"You know…I did admit it was a mistake. Breaking up our family like that, insisting you go to Austin. I said it was just a stupid idea I had."

He let go of her and put his arms behind his head and stared up at the ceiling. "I really don't think so, Tami. I really don't remember you saying that to me."

She slid out of the bed and threw on her flannel pajama bottoms and an old t-shirt of his. She tossed him a pair of boxers. "Let's have that talk now after all," she said.

"I'm tired, Tami."

"So am I."

She walked out of the bedroom and waited to see if he would follow. He did, and they settled on the couch. They didn't turn on any lights; the moonlight and the streetlight seeped through the blinds, enough that they could make out one another vaguely, without having to see too deeply the expression in each other's eyes.

"I did say that," she said. "I did say it was a stupid idea. But I guess you're right…now that I think of it…maybe I just said it to Glenn."

"To Glenn," he repeated dully. "To Glenn but not to me. Of course you did."

She leaned back against the arm rest and put her feet up on the couch so that she was facing him but not touching him. "I should have told you I was sorry. But I couldn't…I couldn't be the one to make you give up your dream. I couldn't ask you to do that for me. I couldn't – "

"You couldn't admit you were wrong. Not to me, anyway."

"Eric, I was embarrassed. I was mortified! I couldn't ask you to quit your job and come back after I had insisted you take it. I couldn't - "

" - admit you needed me?"

She pursed her lips and looked down.

"You've always been so sure you could do it all on your own, haven't you?" he asked. "Oh, I'm nice company. You don't seem to mind the sex. You like me well enough. And God knows you know I need you to lift me up, so there's that to stick around for. Wouldn't want to be responsible for me falling flat on my face. But you can get by just fine without me, can't you?"

"What?" She stifled her initial impulse to be offended and angered. She studied his face, what she could discern of it in the rays of light that filtered across his eyes and mouth. She saw there the insecurity she had not suspected. She thought about everything he had said in counseling, about those times over the years she had apparently made him feel as though he were less than necessary. She certainly hadn't meant to, but that didn't change the fact that she somehow had. Softly, she said, "Of course I need you, Eric."

He sighed and turned his eyes away from her gaze. "Then why didn't you say so when I offered to stay in Dillon and not go to Austin? Why didn't you say so after Gracie was born, when I told you I really needed you to talk to me, and all you did was sit there in silence on that couch? If you needed me, why did you tell me not to come home that night you took Gracie to the ER? If you needed me, why didn't you say so then or before or after? Why haven't you ever said so?"

"I didn't know you needed me to say it so badly! I didn't know! I've told you I love you, I desire you, I admire you, I believe in you…I've told you a thousand times how highly I think of you! I just didn't know you need to hear that."

She felt bad for yelling at him just now, for letting her self-defensiveness rule her response. He had never, in all their years of marriage, been quite this vulnerable with her. But today he'd put his heart out there on the table, left it there for her to do with whatever she wanted, and here she was…why couldn't she find the right words to tell him what he needed to hear? She had always known the right thing to say to him when he was upset about some coaching obstacle, when he doubted his abilities; she had always encouraged and soothed and uplifted him at those times. Why couldn't she manage it now?

"Because I'm proud," she said finally. "Because I'm too damn proud and maybe sometimes I've been afraid to admit just how much I need you."

"Why?"

"Because I thought I had to be strong. I've always felt like I have to be strong. And if I admit how much I need you, then…then I'm admitting how weak I am."

"You're anything but weak, Tami."

She slid closer to him and lay a hand on his leg. "Why did you think I was sobbing every time you went back to Austin, if I didn't need you?" she asked.

"You tried so damn hard not to let me see that."

"Why do you think, that time after I admitted I slapped Julie, why do you think I told you I didn't know what was happening to our family?"

"But you wouldn't say it was because I was gone. You didn't ask me to come home. You just couldn't…you wouldn't..."

"I did need you. Our family was falling apart without you. And you came back, and you stepped up, and you were my anchor, babe. You were my anchor."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"If you needed to hear the words so badly, why didn't you ask?"

"Maybe…maybe that seemed weak to me."

She leaned in and kissed him deeply. When she broke the kiss, she murmured, "I still need you, Eric." He pulled her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her. "You're still my anchor," she whispered. "You've been my anchor during this whole move, during Julie's unexpected pregnancy, during all this upheaval. I still need you." She looked steadily into his eyes, which seemed to be melting into damp pools in the moonlight, so that he could see her sincerity. "God, I need you." She kissed him again, felt the urgency in his response, the gratitude in it, and, nearly breathless, pulled away. She tucked her head under his chin. "And right now…right now I need you to promise me you're not going anywhere," she whispered.

"Of course I'm not going anywhere," he swore. "I'm here. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere."

She felt his strong arms wrap more tightly around her. She felt her body mold against his, relax, let go. She let herself feel her own need and accept his. Hold on, she thought. Just keep holding on.