All recognizable names are the property of Stephenie Meyer. We just like playing dress up in her shoes.
This story is not suitable for those under the age of 18. It is rated M, so if you're not old enough to buy a pack of smokes… we don't wanna know!
Chapter 11 Bella
Desperate for words, lost in a maze,
It fell apart, I lost my place,
It hurt so bad, I cried for days
Time healed all pain, now I'm okay
Quicksand by Natalie Walker
I hurt everywhere. My body felt as though it had been dragged through hell, hung out to dry, and then restarted the cycle. I didn't think a bulldozer could have more damage to me. The scariest part was the burning had hurt more than all of it. It seared through my veins like molten lava. Had I not forced my eyes open to see Paul, I would have believed that I was on fire.
On the soft surface of the hospital bed, being pumped full of painkillers, it was hard to remember how brutally beaten I had been. When I had opened my eyes and found Paul's worried eyes watching over me I almost cried with joy. My objective had been to survive, if not for myself, then for him, and I was starting to believe it was the only thing that had kept me going.
When I finally had him alone, he apologized and blamed himself for what had happened. It had never been his fault, and if I'd had the courage to tell him I would have relayed the conversation I'd had with Sam that morning. He'd been uncomfortable with me leaving, yet I did it anyway. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine.
I was alarmed that the bite given to me by Victoria could have changed me into a vampire. When Edward had explained that the fire had been my body changing into one of them, I wasn't sure I knew how to deal with that. The machine keeping track of my heart rate had started going nuts as I let the thought run through my mind. It wasn't until Paul reassured me that I was still human that I was able to calm down again. It was never the thought of being a vampire that had freaked me out, which was disturbing in its own right, it was more that if I were, I would be Paul's natural enemy, and I wasn't sure where that would leave us.
Being in the grip of death, I'd been certain about one thing, and that was the consummate knowledge that I loved Paul with everything I was. I had promised myself that if I made it through the pain and torture that I wouldn't waste another second with him. That I would grip our life together with both hands and go full throttle and never look back. He was my reason for being, he and I balanced one another out.
Of course, Paul's declaration of love had been delivered in the way only Paul could deliver it. It was lost among his usual ramblings of pent up emotions that he spat out so quickly had I have blinked I would have missed. He was more than happy to say it again though, and I indulged myself in the words. I let them wrap around me.
Our time together was cut short by the appearance of the pack, and Leah's imprint Graham. I didn't mind, though, all of them were my extended family and just having them surrounding me like that made realize how loved I was. Each and every one of them had their places in my life, and I finally felt like I had the big family I'd always wanted.
It wasn't until the Cullen's showed up that I realized I had a piece of unfinished business to address.
Edward.
"I need to talk to Edward. Alone," I whispered to Paul, completely forgetting that almost everyone in my room had extrasensory hearing.
They all dispersed quietly with waves and hugs, and wet kisses on the forehead. The Cullen's gave me shy goodbyes and exited the room along with my family, offering Edward pats on the shoulder as they left. Paul was the only one that didn't move.
"Paul, why don't you go and get something to eat?" I said, giving him a look that left no argument. I knew if he stayed close I would have no privacy. As they had all proven, their hearing was more than able to extend down a corridor from the waiting room.
He stared at my eyes trying to read me, begging me to understand that he loved me, but it was a moot point. I knew he loved me, and he should have known that I loved him, that he would always be my only choice. He leaned in close and pressed his lips against mine with a quiet desperation. My heart monitor sang out in the quiet room as I held the front of the scrubs he was wearing and pulling him closer.
With a smile of satisfaction, he met Charlie at the door, and headed out, leaving me alone with Edward.
Edward made his way to my bed and lowered himself into the chair gracefully, but his dark eyes were unnerving with the hint of red around the edges, especially in comparison to the almost amber they had been when I'd met him.
"Your eyes?"
"I had to ingest some of your blood in order to clean out the venom. When we feed from human blood are eyes will change to red. I didn't take much from you so there's only a hint of it. it should go away when I feed again."
"Feed?" I asked, raising an eyebrow in question.
"We get our blood from animals which is why our eyes are . . . the way they are."
"Are any of the myths true? You know Garlic? Crucifix? Daylight? Turning into bats?"
"All fabrications made up by us and injected into the modern culture to throw you off the scent," he laughed, rubbing his neck awkwardly.
"Well that makes sense, it's quite ingenious actually."
I looked down at the blankets that were covering my legs. The huge lump on the one side signifying the cast that held my broken leg within it. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but it was difficult. When I'd struck up my friendship with him it had never occurred to me that he'd wanted something more. He'd caught me in a weak moment when I needed a friend, and that would all I ever saw him as.
"Oh shit," I moaned, slamming my hand against my forehead and instantly regretting it.
"What? Are you in pain, should I get Carlisle?" Edward asked, his hands fluttering around me elegantly like a butterfly.
"No, I just . . . I forgot you can read minds," I sighed, rubbing the spot I had slapped. "There was a way to talk about this, and I ruined it by thinking . . ."
"I can't hear your thoughts," Edward chuckled, interceding. "Everyone else in the world I can hear, but with you . . . nothing but silence."
"Really?"
He inclined his head, giving away his age. He looked like a gentleman from a Jane Austen novel when he did that. Looking at him more intensely, I figured he would have made a good Mr. Darcy.
"Yes. It's frustrating sometimes. Like right now, I want to know what you're thinking, because your head is tipped to the side and your eyes look far away."
I could feel the heat rise on my cheeks.
"Now I'm even more intrigued," he mused, leaning forward. "You blush a lot."
"I'll never tell."
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" He raised his hand and ran the back of it down my cheek, his expression sad. I closed my eyes to stop from seeing the pain that resided there. As I bowed my head, he removed his hand and sighed.
"You're saying goodbye," he whispered.
"I have to," I said swallowing. Opening my eyes I turned to look at him. I owed him that much. "I'm in love with Paul, nothing will ever change that. Being friends with you will just hurt him because he'll second guess everything. As much as I like talking to you, he's my life, I can't do that to him."
"It could have been beautiful," he murmured. "I saw it through Alice's eyes. We would have been so right for one another. Then I saw you, and I didn't need a precognitive vision to tell me, but I knew I was too late, your soul was already bound to someone else. I had to try, you understand that don't you?"
I nodded, my throat was so thick I couldn't have forced the words out. My cheeks stung as the tears slid down them, but I deserved that for doing what I'd done. I'd been the one to reach out to him, I'd been the one that had initiated the friendship, and now I'd hurt him.
Edward got up from he seat and leaned over me, pressing his cool lips against my forehead. He lingered there for a second before disappearing from the room and leaving me with the guilt that broke the sob.
I cried, the melting pot of emotions was too much for me to take. I felt guilty about what I'd done to Edward, guilty about feeling so sad about saying goodbye because I knew it would hurt Paul. I felt guilty about the inkling of happiness that fluttered behind my chest.
Edward had seen a life where the two of us had been together, I didn't have that vision. The only thing I saw when I looked to the future was Paul, he and I together and happy with a swarm of kids that used his tall stature as a climbing frame. I'd never thought about kids before, I'd never even considered getting married; but the moment I met Paul it had all unfolded in front of me, and I wanted it.
"Bella," Paul's voice broke through my misery and forced me to wipe the tears from my eyes. I didn't want him to see me like this. "Baby, what's wrong?"
He was beside me in a second, and my body eased into the state of bliss it always seemed to in his presence. He cupped my cheeks and wiped away the last of the tears with his warm thumbs.
"Nothing," I sniffed, hating that whatever pain meds they had me on were finally starting to drag me under. "I just hate hurting people."
"Then don't!" he practically shouted, before he regained control. He thought this was my goodbye to him. He thought I had chosen Edward. This was the very reason I could never be friends with Edward.
"Paul! I don't mean you, you big dope! I hated that I had to hurt Edward!" I couldn't stop the hiccup giggle that followed.
Only my Paul would fail to see what I was trying to say. Only he would miss that draw I felt to him, even here and now. He brought me peace, and even when he was being neurotic I could feel his love for me rolling off him in waves. How he could ever think I would resist that was beyond me.
"You're insane if you think I could ever choose anyone over you! Now come over here and kiss me," I demanded.
"Don't have to tell me twice!" he said, cupping my cheeks reverently.
When his lips finally met mine, my body exploded to life. Even the cut on my lip seemed to appreciate it and halted it's dull throbbing ache. I tried to stifle the moan that passed over my lips as his tongue danced with mine, but it was useless. If I didn't release it I would have exploded.
"You're killing me," he whispered against my lips, while trying to be gentle with his hands. "When you make sounds like that I get hard. And you're in no condition to deal with that."
"Twenty minutes ago, I would have fought you tooth and nail," I grinned, shuffling my numb body to the side. "But I think my pain meds kicked in. I feel all floaty."
Paul chuckled, and didn't hesitate to take the spot I'd made for him beside me, he arranged his body around me so his hand touched nothing that had gauze or stitches. It didn't leave him many options but I felt nothing, so I rolled into him, ignoring his protests.
The moment my head made contact with his chest it was lights out.
I woke up screaming, my face was streaked and clammy with sweat. The body next to me jumped, but within a second warmth surrounded me and my heart started to slow again. The darkness in my dreams had plagued me, my skin felt raw and scratchy like someone was prodding me with a hot poker. Then there was her voice, cold and discombobulated in the endless black expanse of my prison.
"It's okay, you're safe," Paul whispered above me, his lips pressing against my hair. "She's gone, she can't hurt you anymore."
"I want to go home," I sobbed, clinging to the scrubs he was wearing. "Take me home, Paul, please."
"Baby, I can't you've had surgery, they have to monitor you."
"I don't want to be here. I don't want more drugs, I can't escape the nightmares."
Paul held me too him and didn't let go. I knew I was just making this harder for him to witness, but my tenuous hold had been shaken by my subconscious and it's need to conjure her. I knew he was fighting with himself, he wanted to do what I asked, but he didn't want to risk me getting hurt because we'd left too soon. Somewhere in my blurry haze after the surgery I'd heard them talking about infections and shock.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into my hair, his voice was so quiet I didn't think I was meant to hear it.
"Not your fault," I sighed. "I should have stayed in bed beside you where I wanted to be. I should have stolen some food from Billy's and waited until you woke up to go get my truck. I was just . . . I was so happy, and I wanted to show you that I loved you with breakfast in bed. I'd never intended . . . I mean, Sam told me not to go but I didn't listen . . . I screwed everything up."
"Sam should have woke me the fuck up," Paul growled.
"No, Paul. Nobody's fault but mine."
He pulled me against him as tightly as he could without causing pain. He whispered reassuring words into my ear and rocked me gently, but it wasn't that easy. The only way I could escape the nightmares was to be surrounded by him, by his things; by the sounds of the ocean that you could only hear in La Push.
"Charlie agreed to move to the res," Paul said quietly. "There's a house down by the beach and the counsel approved it. He said no sex under his roof."
I snorted through my tears and slapped him on his chest.
"Good thing you have a place of your own then, huh?"
He chortled above me and when I tilted my head back to kiss him, he peppered my cheeks with kisses making me giggle.
"How long was I out?"
He looked up at the clock at the end of the bed, and turned back to me, kissing my nose and then my lips.
"About eight hours."
"Are you serious? What the hell have they been giving me?"
"It's a light sedative," a voice said from the door. When I turned to look Edward's father was there, smiling at me with his warm honey colored eyes. "The rest was all you, sleeping will help you heal."
I nodded and offered him a smile. I could only assume I wasn't his favorite person after what I'd done to Edward.
"Thank you, for everything, Dr. Cullen," I whispered. "When can I go home?"
Dr. Cullen looked out of the door, his head turning from side to side, before he stepped into the enclosure of my room. He approached the bed and I could feel Paul tense next to me, but he tried to stay polite.
"Most of the staff would advise that you stay for a couple of days. I have a feeling that you wouldn't be happy about that though."
I shook my head. "No, sir. I can't stay here."
"I can only offer you one other alternative. If the pack are willing I could make house calls and adjust your medication and tend to your wounds on the reservation. Anyone else I would advise to stay, but considering what you've been through I think you would be better off surrounded by the people you love where you feel safe."
I looked to Paul, his nose was slightly scrunched and his breathing was shallow which I could only assume was the smell of the vampires that he seemed to think was offensive.
"I'll talk to Sam and get back with you, Doc."
"I'll be doing rounds, just have one of the nurses page me."
We both nodded, and the doctor turned to leave. Paul kissed my forehead and rolled off the bed, following him out into the hall. They spoke quietly amongst themselves, and I watched them from my place on the bed, itching to get out and walk around. I was restless.
"Bells, your dad's on his way up I'm going to try and get a hold of Sam. He's patrolling so I have to . . . You know . . ." he made a motion with his hands and growled, making me laugh hard enough to wince at the pain from the stitches that littered my stomach.
He sobered up and stepped into the room as I pushed down my blankets and lifted he hospital gown I was wearing. My stomach was a gruesome mess, I'd been spared the sight of my arms thanks to the gauze and bandages covering them, but my stomach was less covered and I could see the scars marring my skin in jagged lines. The red head may have been gone, but she sure as shit made sure she'd never be forgotten.
"It's not as bad as it looks, baby."
"I look like a fucking carving board," I wept covering my face with both my hands. My subconscious was going to torture me enough. I didn't need to see her every time I looked in the mirror as well.
"Bella, look at me," he said gently. When I dropped my hands and looked up at him, he lifted the scrub top up and tilted his head to the side. "Scars don't define the person. You told me that. Shit, scars on a chick are fucking hot anyway."
I gave him an incredulous look and rolled my eyes.
"Too soon?" he chuckled, leaning down to kiss me.
"No," I smiled against his lips, and cupped his cheek with my hand as his forehead came to rest against mine. "And you're right, scars don't define people. I'm alive, and I have you, that's all I'll ever need. And if you think scars are hot, then I'll parade around naked every chance I get."
"I'm the luckiest son-of-a-bitch around," he laughed, pressing his lips to mine in a deep lingering kiss.
"You'll be even luckier if you go talk to Sam and get me the hell out of here."
He guffawed at the statement but kissed me again, leaving his lips against mine. "I love you."
"And I love you."
"I'll be right back."
I nodded and swallowed the urge to call him back to me as he headed out the room. All the while six words played over and over in my head.
I'm going to marry that man.
Nostalgicmiss:A bit of fluff for ya lol! Well at least she was able to say goodbye to Edward and he accepted it. Well if I remember rightly, we only have the epilogue left! I'm gonna miss Paul and Bella! Thank you so much to all of you who read, alert, favorite and review. I will respond to the Reviews soon I promise but work is crazy! I love all you guys for accepting these characters and their story. You're amazing! Sabi... You're my best friend and I feel so lucky to have you in my life Twinnifer. Writing with you is an honor. You make it interesting with your amazing ideas. Love ya bestie!
Sabi'sSookie: Yes, and I am very sad this is coming to an end! I think we all know how I feel about Paul, so saying goodbye to him is never fun! At least I'll still have Running Home to tide me over for a while… once we get all moved and unpacked that is! You guys all blow us away with your thoughts on this story! The love you show by way of alerts, favorites, and reviews warm our hearts! I love you all, even though I haven't had much of a chance to tell you lately! Weezy, you are beyond amazing and I have missed you so much with all this moving crap! Thankfully, I am hoping it will be over soon and we can get back to our chatting schedule! You are the bestest BFF and PIC a gal could have and the thought that I may get to see you in person soon makes me all giddy! Imagine all the plot bunny'ing that will be going on! Love you, girlie!