Chapter 21

Later that evening, after dinner, Nova had curled up by JJ and fallen asleep in her parents' bed. The fragrance of the baby shampoo from Nova's wet hair filling the space between mother and daughter as they snuggled. JJ was awoken later as Johnny was lifting Nova out of their bed and carrying her to her own. When he returned, Johnny stripped off his shirt, jeans and boxers. Sitting down he pulled off his socks and balled up all the clothes before tossing them into the hamper. Leaning over he whispered, "I'll shower and be right back, babe. You need anything?"

"No, thanks though," she answered. She heard the water turn on and the hiss of the shower head. JJ had drifted back off to sleep when the dip of the mattress jostled her awake. "Hey," JJ mumbled as she looked over at him.

"Is for horses," he answered and they both chuffed.

"That is so lame," JJ murmured.

"Yeah? Well you always laugh at it," he retorted as he stroked her hair.

"Um, busted," she answered and laughed softly. He scooted over and pulled her close. JJ spoke against his shoulder. "So Brian is calling you Dad, now?"

JJ could feel the buzz of his voice as he spoke. "Yeah, he started that right when I got back after hearing you were missing. Kinda nice to hear, you know? I think of him as my son," Johnny answered. "And you're Moms? Do you know how he came up with that?"

Johnny felt JJ smile against his shoulder. "Yes, he said had one mom and then another mom or two mothers. So he figured Moms worked," she chuckled. "I'm so glad to be home. I love you, John."

"I love you, Janey," Johnny replied. "Oh, I got a glass of water and several types of pain medications. What's your poison?"

"I hate to admit it, but I think I'll go for the strong stuff. I'm hurting," JJ replied. After giving her the meds, Johnny fluffed her pillow and covered her up before pulling her closer.

"I'm not hurting you, am I?" he asked a bit worried. "It just feels good being close. I was damn worried, Janes."

'Nah," JJ replied, "And even if it did, I'd lie. I need you close." There was a period of silence. "John, um do you think you could leave on a light in the bathroom? You could partially leave the door closed so it doesn't bother you," JJ asked nervously.

"Nope, not gonna do that Angel because I have a night light to put over on the wall on your side of the bed. I got them when you were asleep this afternoon. In fact, I placed them in the hallway and all around the house. They will come on automatically when it's dark." Johnny hopped up and picked up the night light from the dresser and padded over in bare feet to plug it in. "The extra light bulbs for it are with the others, Angel. Is this enough light? I can put up another one on my side of the room," Johnny said fussing a bit nervously.

"It's fine, John," she said her eyes wet. She should have guessed he'd have a plan. "Have I told you how amazing you are recently?"

Normally Johnny would have had a sarcastic reply to a comment like teasing her about how wonderful he was. Tonight he let it go. "Come here," he answered as he carefully scooted back over on the bed closer to his wife. Johnny kissed her gently. "Whatever you need Janes. I'll do it. Go to sleep, hmm?" JJ sighed and curled up to go to sleep. She fell asleep with Johnny's fingers fingering through her hair and warmth where their bodies touched.

It was pitch black. There were heavy footsteps above pacing back and forth. A dry, raspy faint sound came from the corner or was that just imagination? The dark was alive. It surged in and she couldn't get a breath. Her chest grew tighter and tighter as she drowned in the blackness. A sharp gasp jolted Johnny awake around two A.M. JJ was breathing like she had been running for miles and small whimpers punctuated every breath. Her crying vibrated through the mattress. Johnny reached for her and held her while she cried. As she calmed he asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"It was just a bad dream about the dark," she said not able to explain more. Johnny did notice she slept up against him most of the night.

After Johnny had called the hospital and reported JJ's status the next morning and then received the good news that the infections were able to be treated with oral antibiotics, the couple got ready to head down to the police station. JJ had to make her formal statement to the police. Since Brett Hamm had confessed to the initial attack and then kidnapping and holding JJ, her statement would be used for the sentencing phase of case. Johnny and JJ sat in metal chairs with vinyl padding and both were given cups of coffee. The detective sat a tape recorder on the table, picked up a legal pad of paper and a pen and asked JJ to tell them what happened. "I was coming out of the community building after the support group to go to my car. I even checked to see if anyone was hanging around and saw nothing and heard nothing. I really try to be careful," she emphasized. The detectives nodded to show they understood and one even made a note. JJ continued, "I locked the building, walked out with my keys in my hand, and headed for my car, which I purposely parked under a light. I reached the back of my station wagon and heard a voice. When I turned around there was this man. He came out of nowhere. He told me he was looking for his wife and when he stared giving details I realized he was probably Cheryl's husband. She had talked to me about him being aggressive and controlling a couple of weeks before. She hinted that her rape at a supermarket one night had strained their already rocky marriage. I'd urged her to get other help for that part of her life. The group is for rape survivors, not for abusive husbands." She paused and got a swallow of coffee. Partly because her mouth was dry but mostly to calm her heightening emotions. JJ began to fiddle with her skirt, picking at microscopic bits of lint and smoothing and re-smoothing nonexistent wrinkles. "At that point, I started to feel nervous and tried to stop the conversation. I was pretty abrupt with him. I turned to unlock the car and get in. I had been fingering the keys as we talked to find the one I needed so I could just turn quickly, unlock the door and get in. I figured I could lock the door or hit the horn if needed. Suddenly I felt my hair pulled tight. My face was slammed into the driver's side window. I was stunned and then everything happened so fast, or it seemed like it to me. He grabbed by shoulders and whirled me around yelling and shaking me. I was hazy and it took a few seconds for my vision to clear so at first I wasn't even sure what was happening. In the midst of that, I remembered some self-defense moves I'd learned after my rape in New York, so I hit his ears with the heels of my hands and he let go. Then I tried to punch him in the throat. I guess I didn't hit him very hard. I was still fuzzy and a bit dizzy. Turning, I started running across the closest park hoping to find help, but I didn't get very far. He grabbed my hair. My head snapped back and I was jerked back off balance. I felt a cloth soaked with something over my nose and mouth. I tried not to breathe in. I clawed at his hands but I couldn't hold my breath long enough. He was so strong. Then everything went black." At this point, JJ felt detached and calm. It was like telling a story plot. Her voice had little inflection. Johnny fought to keep the shock of the story off of his face. With every detail he became more infuriated.

"Go on, Mrs. Gage," the detective coaxed as he and his partner took notes.

"Yeah, well next thing I knew I woke up in the back of a car on the floor. I was covered with some sort of cloth, kinda like a canvas drop cloth or something. I could see it was getting light outside and the road was bumpy. I knew I had been gone quite a while. I was worried about John, the kids and Rachel. John was gone camping. Thinking about him getting the news, that way…." JJ paused getting upset. "Well, it was some comfort he was with Roy." JJ stopped short of sharing her thoughts about never seeing John or the kids again. At that moment, she'd faced the possibility that she never would. She placed her hands over her face and pressed, her fingers massaging her eyes. Johnny easily made the jump to what JJ was not sharing. His chest felt full, expanding to a point of bursting. His mouth drew taut and his lips pressed and shifted as he fought his own feelings. One arm was already around his wife and he gently placed it on her shoulder.

Stick to the facts, she told herself. Stuffing down her emotions and with a ragged breath she continued. "My hands and feet were tied. I guess I made some noise, because he started cursing under his breath and told me to shut up. The car stopped and he opened the door nearest my head. Then the cloth flipped back from my face and he pulled me out from under the cloth. I was dizzy and felt nauseated, but he made me stand up," JJ stopped and took a shuttering breath. She'd pleaded with him to wait a minute, but Brett hadn't. She'd ended up throwing up as he yanked her out. That humiliation added to the terror made the memory worse. Her eyes filled with tears abruptly overcome with strong emotion. "Sorry, sorry give me a minute," she asked. Johnny placed his other hand over hers on the table top and noted her pulse was fast. JJ was still stymied with why she suddenly got so emotional. There was no horrific event hooked to this surge she thought. I've been through worse she reasoned, in New York. The older detective handed her a couple tissues and she composed herself for a few minutes. She continued. "He cut the restraints off of my ankles and started in demanding to know where his wife was and I think he finally understood I couldn't help him or, or something," her narrative stumbled here and JJ felt bit confused. "This part seems jumbled in my memory," she admitted. Her heart was racing and she blanched. It was all she could do to stay in the chair and not bolt from the interview room. Her body tensed. Johnny felt the change, but wasn't sure why it was happening. JJ stuttered, "A-a-a-anyway he became livid. I remember his face turned almost purple and he started hitting me," she continued looking down at her feet when she spoke the word hitting. She felt Johnny's warm hand softly rubbing her back. If she had looked up, she'd had seen his face tight with anger.

"Open fisted or closed fisted," the detective probed. Johnny's face snapped up at the question with open hostility. The detective looked back and answered with his own look. Johnny took a breath and relaxed. He was only doing his job and it was a needed detail for the investigation. It just wasn't a detail Johnny wanted to hear.

"Both I guess, but mostly with his fists. He was yelling, but I kinda blocked it out and just concentrated on protecting myself. With my hands tied it was difficult. I was just waiting for it to be over," JJ's eyes were spilling over with tears and her voice kept getting quieter. "He just kept punching and punching. Somehow I lost my footing and fell. That's when he switched to kicks. I tried, I really tried to push myself back under the car, but I didn't fit. The kicks were so forceful and he, he, he didn't seem to be tiring," she whispered. Her head bent down as she lost composure. Embarrassed to lose it like this in front of the police, JJ turned her face to one side and covered it trying to stifle her sobs. Johnny pulled her into an embrace. His own countenance twisted in misery. He started to demand the questioning be stopped. His mouth opened to tell the detectives and then he felt JJ fist a handful of his shirt on his back. Making a scene would only add to her stress he reminded himself.

"Do you need a break, Janes?" he asked knowing that she wasn't one to show emotions to others and he was concerned at the level of distress she was displaying. Her pulse was racing and skin clammy. JJ shook her head against his chest.

"I just need to get this done and over. I just need a few minutes", she insisted her voice muffled against his shirt.

PART B

The detectives quietly rose up from their seats. The older one slid the box of tissues over towards the couple. Then they wisely decided to freshen the coffees and left for just a few minutes taking his partner with him. Neither Johnny nor JJ had any allusions that they actually had privacy, but appreciated the gesture.

"Janey, sweetheart, what can I do?" Johnny asked hoping there was something. Doing 'nothing' was ripping him apart.

She shrugged. "I don't know, love." She pulled away and got up slowly pacing. "I hate this." He got up and moved to pull her close. "No, don't!" answered sharply and wrapped her arms around her middle. Johnny stiffened. He tried to not take it personally, but he did anyway. JJ didn't look up. She stood with her eyes closed and took slow breaths.

"Janes, just don't shut me out," he answered his voice tinged with hurt and anger. Running his hand through his hair he fell back into his chair and put his face in his hands.

For a while JJ said nothing and just stood apart. She took a deep breath and blew it out. "It's just if you touch me, I'll dissolve into a mess," she admitted without looking up. I don't want them to see…" she said trailing off.

"I imagine they'd understand," John hedged. She was still except for shaking her head. "Can I put my arm around you when you sit?" His voice sounded forlorn.

She answered in a whisper, "I want you to, I really do, but nothing more. Please." She wandered around the room absently touching the two way mirror, a light switch or a spot on the wall. Then she sat back down near him.

Ten minutes later the detectives returned with four cups of fresh coffee. "Please continue when you're ready, Mrs. Gage," the younger detective prompted kindly.

JJ's eyes were red and her lashes still damp, but she was back to controlled emotions as she finished her statement. Johnny's arm was loosely around her shoulders, and his forearm rested on the chair back. "So I figured he might kick me until I was unconsciousness or… dead. I was unable to get up and he wasn't slowing down. Honestly, I was praying at this point. Then I guess I shifted a bit or he changed his angle of attack because he kicked the side of the car really hard. It left a huge dent and he began to curse about his foot. That is what stopped his attack," she finished. "After he recovered enough to limp back over, he yanked me up by one arm and gave me the choice of being punched until I was uncontentious or breathing in the fumes from the rag. I took the rag option. Next thing I knew I woke up in a dark room and that is where I was until he put me in the car and we had the wreck. I saw him very little while I was in the room. He came once and brought a bucket for a toliet. I asked for water and he brought that sometime later. He never offered me food. Other than that, I was left alone. I could hear him walking above me sometimes."

"Tell us about the room," one of the detectives asked. "Were you tied up in there?"

"Not much to tell. It had a dirt floor and no light. No light in the room and no light leaking in under the door. If he opened the door I could see. It was the size of a large closet, I guess. Cinder block walls and floorboards made the ceiling. And no, I wasn't tied up in the room."

"So what happened the day of the accident?"

"Well, he came in and told me to get up. He blindfolded me and we went upstairs. He kept telling me to hurry up and shoved me along. I stumbled a few times. I just didn't want to fall again. When we got to the car, he tied my hands and again said to smell the rag. I promised to be quiet, but he made me anyway. Next thing I know police and firemen were pulling me out of the car," she said. It didn't escape Johnny's notice that JJ's demeanor was back to completely emotionless and it was concerning.

"Mrs. Gage, Brett Hamm has pleaded guilty. His account differs some from yours, but the medical exam backs up your account. At this point, there will be a court date where he will plead guilty and then will have to confess to the judge. Then the judge will assign the penalty or sentence. We'll let you know when that is all set up. You don't have to come, but if you'd like to you can." JJ just nodded her head. She hadn't thought that far yet. Right now she just wanted out of the police station. She wanted to push the whole mess out of her mind and forget it.

Johnny stood up, "Thanks for allowing her delay a bit to give her statement. We'll wait to hear from you," he said shaking their hands. He wanted JJ out of there and home. Helping JJ up, he gently steered his wife towards the door of the interview room.

"Oh, I almost forgot," one of the detectives said, "We have your purse. You can have it back, Mrs. Gage."

She nodded absently. They dutifully followed the detectives out into the bullpen. One of the men opened a large desk drawer and pulled out a large evidence bag. JJ signed a form confirming that she had received her purse. One of the detectives pulled out her purse for her and she stiffened and recoiled. Johnny was stunned when she asked if they could put it into the bag again. "We'll just take it that way," she said. JJ was a fiend about her purse. She like to carry it herself and rarely let it out of her sight. Even when placing on the floor of a restaurant, she'd loop the strap around one foot.

The detective looked mildly surprised at the request, but shrugged and did as she asked. JJ didn't want to touch the purse. For some reason the thought of doing so made her feel queasy. When the bag was offered to her, JJ just looked at Johnny. Her hands remained at her side. Johnny took the bag and the couple left the station. He placed the purse on the seat of the Rover still in the sack after he helped JJ into the passenger set up front. "You okay Janes?" he asked after he slid into the driver's side and closed the door. His face was creased with concern.

JJ shrugged and then answered, "No, not really." She sighed and let her head fall back onto the seat back. "It bugs me I can't exactly remember details about being pulled out of the car and thinking about it makes me so, so, well upset. Plus, my purse…"

"Your purse? What do you mean?" Johnny probed thinking of her strange request of it being left in the evidence bag.

"It's ridiculous, but the thought of touching it makes me sick, you know nauseated. Stupid, so stupid, but John, I just can't bear it." She closed her eyes and pressed the heels of her hands into her eyelids. "Why?" JJ was agitated and distressed.

"Janes, honey I don't know," he answered softly. "I do know that there IS a reason why. It'll make sense soon. Give it time and we'll figure it out." Johnny gave her a reassuring smile and leaned over to give her kiss. He pulled away and wiggled his eyebrows at her making her briefly laugh. She dozed on the way home and Johnny worried. He knew something more was going on, but felt ill equipped to know how to deal with it.

Again that night, the dream returned. The whisper in the dark room and by the road. The consuming terror as the dark crushed her, clawed at her. A sea of night sucking her under as she fought to breath. She awoke with a cry of, "NO!". Her breath ragged and her body tense with fear. It took Johnny quite a while to calm her down, mostly due the the fact JJ couldn't completely put her finger on why the dream scared her so.

Three days after JJ had come home, Johnny went back to work. Johnny wasn't completely comfortable with going back to work, but it wasn't really necessary to stay home either. JJ argued, "Go back to work John. Routine will help us all. Save your days off and when I am better we can do something fun, relaxing."

It helped some that Elaine Matthews had flown out to stay with JJ when Johnny went back work. Rachel's day was full caring for Nova since it would be a couple weeks before JJ was able to care for her daughter alone. Every night JJ continued to have nightmares, sometimes several, but she always insisted they were just about the dark or memories of the beating she received by the side of the road after waking up after being taken from the park. "JJ, you know you can tell me anything sweetie," Elaine said kindly one night after comforting JJ when Johnny was working.

"I know. I wish I had something to tell. It's maddening. It's the same feeling you have when you know someone's name and just can't recall it," JJ answered with frustration. She didn't mention the whispering voice she heard in the dark or by the side of the road or the overwhelming rage she felt during the dream.