Dedicated to: LTheCupcake for giving me this idea while we were acting retarded.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or The Office jokes.
"Matsuda, have you seen Ryuzaki?" Light questioned the incompete- I mean, well qualified and intelligent officer. It wasn't like the detective to disappear out of nowhere.
Matsuda, of course, shook his head and continued to stalk Misa from the hidden cameras of her bedroom, and perhaps if he was lucky, steal more of her expensive lingerie.
"Ryuzaki!" Light called as he rushed down the hallways. Wobble, wobble, wobble. What was that disgusting sound? "Watari probably gave him cabbage! Now he's constipated!" Beaming with this new idea, Light skipped proudly to the bathroom, happy that he used his genius smarts to figure something out so epically. As the bathroom door came into view, the teen immediately opened it and entered.
"Ryuzaki! Are you constipated?" he shouted. Wobble, wobble, wobble. "Ryuzaki?" Light shouted louder this time. He followed the noise, leading him to the source that he wished he hadn't seen. "OH MY ME! Ryuzaki! You're…you're…an octopus!"
Indeed there was an octopus. It was a cephalopod with dark eyes, tentacles, and a head full of Ryuzaki hair. So it was more like an emo-panda-octopus thing. And there it was, in front of Light, eating rolls and rolls of toilet paper. "I EAT YO PAPER!" Tenta-L yelled, stuffing more of the toiletries into his…mouth/pointy suction cup hole.
"Oh my me, he's eating toilet paper," Light said, demonstrating his uncanny ability of stating the obvious. "I must warn everyone!" And off he went, leaving Tenta-L all by himself.
"GUYS!" he screamed frantically as he entered the main room. "L IS A FREAKING OCTOPUS!"
The rest of the Task Force stared blankly at him and then resumed pretending to look for Kira. Light was fuming. "YOU KNOW WHAT! SCREW YOU ALL!"
"That's what she said!" Aizawa added. The brunette slapped the man afro with a phonebook.
"I'm serious!" Light countered. "I went to find him in the bathroom, and he was a hairy octopus sucker thing!"
"You went into the bathroom with L?" asked Ukita. "Light! We never knew you went that way."
Soichiro stood up angrily. "You choose now to come out of the closet?" He fell to his knees and raised his arms dramatically in the air. "WHERE DID I GO WRONG WITH YOU?"
"On second thought, Ryuzaki did chain Light to himself. Who knew what they could've done together in bed," Ide mused. Soichiro clutched his heart and started choking.
"STFU IDE!" Aizawa scolded, reaching into his afro for a random weapon. "You're giving Chief a heart attack!"
"Okay! I'll shut up!"
"Thank you…"
"B*itch," Ide muttered under his breath.
Because Aizawa's afro had super human hearing, in sent signals to Aizawa's broken brain, telling him to attack. "RAWRGAHAGHAHAHAGRAHH!" he barbarically screamed, dashing towards the defenseless Ide with a pineapple.
"AHHHHH!"
In the midst of the chaos, Light revived his father from his almost-heart attack with a guava. "Okay, we need to go help Ryuzaki or else he might kil- Ooh~! Shiny pencil! :D" The teen tracked the rolling writing utensil down the hall.
"Wait! Light!" Soichiro, Matsuda, and Watari chased after him. Coincidentally, the pencil spun into the exact same bathroom Tenta-L was in.
"I EAT YO PLUNGER!" roared the tentacle detective, stuffing the plunger into his pointy suction cup hole of a mouth. The three of the Task Force workers stood watching the emo creature, mouth agape. They were too busy looking stupid to notice the teen going after the pencil that was heading straight to Tenta-L.
"Shiny pencil!"
Tenta-L was too quick. Spotting the pencil, the panda cephalopod picked it up and slid it down in his pointy mouth. "OM NOM NOM! I EAT YO PENCIL!" Light watched helplessly as Ryuzaki crunched down on his best friend.
"PEEEENCIIIIIL!" Light bawled deafeningly, dramatically reaching his hand towards where his beloved writing utensil was 8 seconds ago. After emo-ing about his deceased inanimate object, he faced Tenta-L with fiery determination. "I…WILL AVENGE YOU!"
"Wait!" Watari pleaded. "Don't kill L!" He grabbed the crazed teen, restricting him from moving any further towards the octopus detective.
"Watari…I think he's growing bigger as he eats…"
"What makes you say that Chief?" Matsuda asked.
"I EAT YO TOILET WATER!" gurgled Tenta-L with his head inside the toilet. As Soichiro thought, his head grew until it combusted the porcelain sanitary item apart. He waved his green tentacles around in a riotous manner. "I IS GONNA EAT YO CLOSET!" he screeched.
"NOT THE CLOSET!" cried Matsuda as L speeded his suction-cuppy tentacles down the hall. The four of them followed as L headed straight for Misa's bedroom.
"EWWWWW!" the blonde shrieked. Tenta-L picked up the model with one tentacle, and her closet with the other. "I EAT YO CLOSET!" He munched Misa's favorite closet and grew a dozen more feet.
"NO! MISA'S FAVORITE CLOTHES WERE IN THERE!"
Tenta-L continued to devour the model's remaining items in her room. Light, Matsuda, Watari, and Soichiro stood awkwardly without a clue of what to do.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING JUST STANDING THERE!" Misa scolded the four. "DO SOMETHING!" Watari and Soichiro immediately ran off to find some weapons.
"KILL IT LIGHT-KUN!"
"We can't! It's Ryuzaki!" Light explained. Misa face palmed herself. How could he be so stupid?
"Yes, you would kill Ryuzaki. Right Light-kun?" She told him, slowly enunciating her words.
"What are you talking about?" Wait a minute. "Ohhh…" Light said, hitting himself stupidly in the head. Wait, when did Misa become smarter than me? Oh my me, is the world going to explode?
Matsuda looked around the room, extremely clueless.
"Time for Ryuzaki to DIE."
DUN DUN DUUUUN!
Will Light and Misa kill Tenta-L?
Will Soichiro and Watari make it in time?
Will Matsuda ever understand what's going on?
Will Ide survive Aizawa's pineapple of doom?
Will I be compelled enough to write the remaining chain of events?
Find out in the next chapter!