Chapter 21

"So, you feeling alright? The nurse said she'd set you up with one of those pain button thingies if you need it," Danny offered, trying to step off on the right foot.

"Go 'way," came the expected reply after Jamie thought about it for a half-second before deciding it might be better to ride this out on his own—too close to the edge and afraid he'd use the drugs to mask other things at this point like the image of William Milner's cold eyes staring back at him which persisted even now in this post OR state.

"You win 'kay? Were right. Don't even care 'nymore."

"Yeah, that's not what this is about, or how it's going down, so let's get that straight. You're not pushing me out of here and clamming up. We're finishing this like we should have done before any of it started."

"M'too tired."

"Then I'll wait, 'cause I'm not going anywhere until we do this, kid," Danny returned as he prepared to settle back in while his brother slept off the remaining effects of the anesthesia, content to bide his time for now if it was necessary. His stubborn presence, however, was enough to loosen Jamie's resolve and the conversation continued an hour or so later when the younger Reagan sibling woke up again feeling more alert, despite the growing discomfort in his side as the initial pain meds wore off.

"You stayed?" he flinched uncomfortably as he shifted his position.

"'Course I did," Danny noted that and deliberately kept his voice low before yawning with a stretch as he turned off the TV, having flipped to the sports network to catch up on scores. "If you're still not up to it, we can hold off, but I told you I wasn't leaving until we worked this out. I'll sleep on the couch when they move you upstairs if I have to."

"Can't undo what happened," Jamie added sadly when he was ready to start, but only about the first item on the agenda, that initial conflict during the hostage situation, as the rest of it was too raw. "Not any of it, but after all this… I think you made the right call; I waited too long."

"Look, I called an audible," Danny admitted as he could hear that edge of doubt in his brother's voice that Eddie had been concerned about. "But I didn't mean any disrespect, and none of that is what we should be talking about now, right? Or is it?" he pried, trying to eke out what was behind this sudden lack of faith.

"Sure felt like disrespect," Jamie muttered despondently under his breath.

"Well, that's my charming personality," Danny added with regret over that, especially given the current circumstances. "Any event, I apologize, for what it's worth."

'Well, I told myself that writing you up was strictly professional, but I'm not sure if that's true."

"How's that?"

"When we were young, you used to always ride me about being the Boy Scout, following all the rules."

"It was pretty annoying," Danny agreed cautiously with a light chuckle.

"Yeah, well it's who I am. What can I say? On the job, too. I know you always looked down on that, and now we know why I am that way. You were right; I'm not like anyone else in our family," he acknowledged their different birthright sadly. "I guess I never had it in me, and maybe I never will. You and Joe were always better."

"No. You got that backward, kid. I don't look down on it, at all. I mean, I wish I could play it straight and be as good a cop as you are. You were always more like Dad than I am."

"Come on," Jamie faded off a little as the knowledge that he didn't share that particular DNA was especially hurtful. "We both know that's not true, especially now."

"It is true. I'm just not made that way. Frankly, that's why I'm not gonna go as far on the job as you. It is what it is."

"First-grade detective, got your gold badge in three-and-a-half years? Not too shabby. I never even made it there… had to take a test to advance… maybe that's all I'm good at."

"Yeah, but you aced it; I couldn't do that, and besides we both know what was holding you back all that time… I mean besides you," Danny frowned as he never quite understood why his normally overachieving little brother had seemingly lacked ambition on the job for so many years—that was until the truth behind a relationship with a certain blonde had come to the forefront.

"Being the Commissioner's son," Jamie shrugged at the irony now.

"That, and other stuff like what happened to Vinny and not wanting to lose another partner afterward. C'mon, you've been stuck on Eddie for years, we all knew it. Besides, I was a detective before Pop made PC, otherwise, it might have been the same for me."

"Doubt it."

"Yeah? You think I'm so great?" Danny frowned as he had a little of his own guilt to let out. "Not always. I completely messed this Milner thing up and that could have cost your life," he admitted with regret evident. "I never saw it for what it was, kid. Even before I knew it was about you, I was behind the eight ball. If it wasn't for Anthony…" he trailed off, knowing that his little brother understood how much it pained him to say that. "You know how hard it is for me to admit that square badge got the better of me, right? But I'm doin' that right now because it's the truth. If it hadn't been for him, that guy would have got to you like Maureen Saunders."

"Maureen?" Jamie puzzled as he had obviously been out of the loop when it came to all of the day's events and only barely recalled Erin bringing her name up during the melee at the house.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh, uh… hey, listen… maybe we should talk about that later. Eddie didn't want you to get upset," Danny backed down as he hadn't anticipated being the one to share that bit of news about the newly-discovered half-sister, especially so soon, but the cat was nearly out of the bag already and he could see that an explanation was necessary. "Milner pushed into her apartment this morning and managed to shoot her up with whatever he was going to use on you. We figured it out too late and got her to Lenox Hill, but she didn't make it. I'm really sorry, kid."

"Wait, he killed her? She'd dead?"

"Yeah."

"So, a rapist and a murderer," Jamie tried to fathom this latest development as he painfully absorbed that information and added it to the pile that was quickly engulfing him like quicksand. A sibling he didn't even know as a sister had been taken away as fast as she had arrived in his life by an evil man they shared in common who had done much the same.

This was all getting to be too much, and too taxing to deal with as he felt himself wanting to push it away again and retreat.

"Jesus, this so screwed up, Dan. I don't know what to think or feel anymore."

"Well, you can believe me when I say you're my brother, same as always, and I probably don't tell you enough, but I'm very proud of you," Danny tried to encourage even though he could see that those words were having little desired effect. "This Milner guy… he's nothing."

"He's my biological father, Danny, and that changes things whether I want to admit to it or not. You, Erin and Joe have Dad and Pop for a legacy, but now I have… him… and what he did to Mom and the others."

"BUT NOTHING! IT'S NOT LIKE THAT! Erin and I are never gonna look at you as anything other than our pain in the ass little brother, same as always. Why would you think Dad would be any different? Sure, he feels guilty for what Milner did to Mom, but none of us would change anything about you… not even the annoying Boy Scout, rule-following, irritating-as-hell stuff that makes us all butt heads sometimes. What did Eddie say about her Mom? It's part of life's rich pageant or something like that. But what Dad did on the street today… he protected you like his own because you are, just like he would for any of us!" Danny emphasized and then waited for some kind of acceptance which was not forthcoming as Jamie was not yet able to wrap his head around what had happened.

"If you have to think about Milner, just take the positive then because otherwise, you're nothing like him… at least now we know where your brains came from. I gotta admit I was always jealous of how easy school was for you and wondered why I didn't get any of that… now I know it's not in my DNA," he grinned before shuddering. "Just like those extra body parts. I'm gonna give him credit for those too."

"So, this is a win for you?" Jamie just shook his head, amazed at his brother's ability to brush off what to him was almost more than he could bear. "A way for you to pin what you don't like about me on someone else?"

"No, that's not what I meant. C'mon, Jay… it is what it is, right? What's that saying… you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family? Well, in this case, you can… you can choose Dad because no matter which way you look at it, he's your real father and no one else has to know about the rest of it but us. Put it away, forget this other guy and find some way to deal with it."

"I don't know if I can," Jamie admitted just as the nurse entered the room and interrupted their conversation for some necessary medical administrations before he was moved to a regular room and to the attention of the rest of the family.

###

"Do you think you got through to him?" a concerned Frank Reagan asked as he stood with his oldest son outside of Jamie's room and the two watched through the window as Eddie, Erin, and Henry took their mother- and grandfather-hen propensities to a new level while they settled him in and made him comfortable. While his youngest had accepted ruffle of the hair and a hand on his shoulder along with a relieved heavy sigh from his father upon his arrival on this floor, there was little else said between the two and still a troublesome sense of disconnect.

"Not sure," Danny revealed as he shared his father's angst. "I mean we talked; he doesn't seem mad at all anymore… not even at Milner. It's like the kid just goes blank and his eyes glass over when anyone mentions that bastard and what happened though. He was kinda upset to hear about Maureen Saunders, but that was the biggest reaction I got, and he just sort of took it. I hate it when he's like that, but I guess he's still pretty out of it and in shock over what happened. Maybe I tried too soon, or maybe I really screwed up again and he's gonna need professional help to deal with this; I don't know."

"Well, he did just suffer a trauma and major surgery; I'm sure he's just feeling the effects, but I think your instincts were right… he needed to touch base with someone in the family other than Eddie and he's not ready to do that with me yet. Hopefully putting the hostage situation behind the two of you will help."

"That's just it… I don't think it did. If anything, that whole deal just made this one ten-times worse," Danny fretted. "And Eddie's right… he's really depressed and down on himself, especially about being a cop. I feel like he might even quit the department over this. Did I do that?" he worried over his role in causing that evident harm which had become so apparent now. "All those years of being a hard-ass to him and calling him Harvard and stuff? I made a point of making him feel different when we were growing up, and after last week, I pretty much told him he's no good at the job either. Now that all this has come out about Milner and what he did, I think Jamie believes that. It's not true though… I mean you should see him out there running a scene, Dad! Maybe I can spot an opportunity faster and jump on it without thinking sometimes, that's just the way I'm built, but he can do twenty things in his head at once, and all he's trying to do is get the best outcome while keeping his guys safe. I might be a good detective, but he's a better boss than I ever could be."

"No," Frank shook his head with his own regrets. "That's not on you; your mother and I started it. She put him on the lawyer path before he was out of diapers, and I allowed it because that's what she wanted. I felt like I owed her as much after what my being on the job took away from her," he admitted with guilt thinking back to that rough patch in his marriage and the loneliness Mary experienced that had started all of this. "The rest of you were just following our lead."

"Yeah, well, we're not kids anymore," Danny continued. "It's not an excuse. I should have seen what it was doing to him, but I ignored it. Hell, I even tried to tell myself I was making him tougher, but I think I did it to make myself feel better. I was always jealous because being a cop or a Marine seemed like all I was ever gonna be really good at, and he could have done anything and gone anywhere. Maybe I didn't want him to show me up there too."

"And I should have stopped it long ago, but since he's been on the job, I keep thinking back to all the times I outright told him I didn't support his decision… that I'd rather he be in a courtroom because it's more civilized, even if that meant he wasn't happy. Then I pressed him to be a boss because that's what I saw him doing even though he said he was completely fulfilled being on patrol. What kind of father does that when his son honestly loves what he's doing, and has a gift for it?" Frank openly berated himself. "No, Daniel, this is all on me. After Joe…" he paused for a moment to grieve that loss as well. "Even before that, I was just being selfish."

"I guess I never really thought about what it might be doing to him either," Danny admitted. "I mean I always knew what I wanted to be, and no one ever said I shouldn't be a cop, or that I wasn't good enough at it. If someone had told me that all my life and something like this happened… I guess I'd be having doubts too."

"If I ever did that… made you feel like you weren't up to snuff when it comes to things like being a boss, I'm sorry," Frank apologized as he thought about a similar impact he might have been made on his oldest. "I didn't mean to; it's just that I never saw you that way behind a desk."

"No, I think you've probably got that one bang on," Danny returned with an admitted laugh as he looked down. "C'mon, I'd be miserable; you know it, and so do I. Maybe someday when I feel like I've lost a step, but not now… or probably ever," he reconsidered honestly. "Since I've got my twenty in; I think I'd rather hand over my papers and try something totally different instead."

"Well, if you ever get the itch… I know a guy," his father offered before turning his attention back to the matter at hand. "I just wish I'd realized what it was doing to your brother before this."

"You think he'll be alright? What if he goes back on the job and keeps second-guessing himself or tries to be more like me and jumps into things without thinking? That's not how his mind works! He'll get himself or someone else hurt!"

"I won't allow that to happen, Danny," Frank added sadly as he rocked back on his heels considered those consequences as an added burden to what had already occurred. It seemed too soon to approach Jamie right now, but he vowed to do so, certainly before his son was ready to return to work. "I'll give him some time to deal with this while he's recovering physically, but he won't go back to the 2-9 until his head is right, or he won't go back at all."

"Not for nothin', Dad, but it's not going to help the two of you reconnect if you've gotta play Commissioner with him over this too."

"I'm not going to," Frank insisted although he knew the way such a tough decision would come across and the further divide it might cause in their relationship. "At least I hope to God it doesn't come to that, but I'll do everything necessary to keep him safe because whether he's ready to admit it or not, I'm his father first."

Okay, so one last chapter turned into two and I'm up to 23 for this story. That's it, I swear, lol. Next up, Frank and Jamie finally put things right before we follow up with that long-anticipated Sunday dinner with the family and an eventful first week back at work for our favorite sergeant and his soon-to-be bride.