Chapter Twenty

"So how was the play?" Aang asked Toph as she shuffled through his front door after a chattering Kya, a bounding Bumi and two active toddlers. The children made an immediate beeline for the kitchen, all of them hungry for snacks. Aang only vaguely registered their raucous exchanges because his attention was focused on Toph. She looked as if she had been put through the wringer, but Aang wisely refrained from pointing that out.

"They enjoyed it," she said in answer to his question, "I fell asleep during the first act." Toph cocked her head to one side in thoughtful consideration. "I suppose from that standpoint, I did enjoy the play."

Aang shook his head with a quiet chuckle and sidled around her to close the front door. "Somehow the fact that you think falling asleep was a positive doesn't surprise me in the least."

As he reached around her, Toph tried to remain as cool as possible, but the frantic thumping of her own heartbeat was a little distracting. That and the fact that Aang smelled suspiciously…tangy? Toph gave him a surreptitious sniff before he stepped back around her. "Why do you smell so good?" she demanded without preamble.

Her sudden query caused Aang to react with a self-deprecating flinch. "Um…because I bathed," he emphasized rather sardonically, "I got over my aversion to water when I was ten, Toph." Not at all convinced, Toph circled him like a sleek, predatory hawk, sniffing him at measured intervals. "Will you quit that?" Aang snapped, "You're making me self-conscious!"

Toph rocked back on her heels. "You're wearing cologne. Why are you wearing cologne? Are you going somewhere?"

The question inundated Aang with pangs of guilt for several reasons. He was, indeed, going out…on a date with Onji. Following his rather disheartening, but enlightening conversation with Sokka, Aang decided to be proactive with managing his feelings for Toph. He had contacted Onji soon after and invited her to dinner. While he didn't plan on putting Sokka's advice into action, because the idea of using Onji for sex was completely repugnant to him, Aang sincerely hoped that the date with Onji would effectively distract him from the craziness that had been dominating his thoughts lately. It was his first step towards regaining some control in his life.

Predictably, there were several things wrong with his plan of execution. First, this was the first time he had been out with any woman in a romantic capacity since Katara died. He felt awkward and unsure of himself. Aang was also unable to banish the voice in the back of his mind telling him that he was doing the wrong thing. Second, he very well knew that he'd only asked Onji out as a method of distraction, which meant, despite his resolve to keep matters platonic, he was using her.

That realization did not sit well with Aang at all. Although, Onji had made no overt admissions to being romantically interested in him, Aang did have his suspicions. He certainly didn't want to give her false hope. On the other hand, he had been careful not to give Onji any indication that his invitation had been romantically inclined. He had purposely stressed his desire to take a friend out to dinner. Unfortunately, that did not lessen his guilt very much…which brought Aang around to his third and most pressing issue…Toph.

Basically, it all boiled down to Aang doing one thing while wanting another. He wanted Toph, but he didn't want to want her. Onji might prove to be a perfect distraction in that regard, but because he had asked her out with such underlying motives. Aang couldn't help but feel a little sick with himself. In fact, if Sokka hadn't insisted that this was what he needed to clear his head, Aang probably wouldn't consider going through with the date at all.

"Well?" Toph demanded impatiently, tearing through Aang's conflicted thoughts like rice paper, "Are you going out tonight or what? You never mentioned anything to me."

"Yes. I am going out," Aang confirmed carefully.

Toph digested that with a thoughtful purse of her lips. "Was there some Council meeting I didn't know about?"

"No. It's nothing like that."

She was majorly aware of his fidgeting, his quickened breath and rapid heartbeat. Those alarming signs only compelled Toph to press him harder. "So if you're not going to the Council, then where are you going?"

"On a date," he confirmed, and the words sounded as if they were literally being ripped from his chest, "I'm going on a date."

At first, Toph had no reaction to that at all. It was understandable given the fact that the words "Aang" and "on a date" seemed utterly opposed. Aang didn't date. He was still hung up on his dead wife! So, looking at another woman, letting alone dating another woman, was not something that would come up into his mind at all. He couldn't even conceive of the idea, much less execute it. Toph knew that meant one thing. This had Suki written all over it!

"She finally broke you down, huh?" Toph sighed commiseratively. She reached out to pat Aang's shoulder. "You don't have to go through with it if you don't want to, Aang. This was Suki's scheme, not yours."

He shrugged off her touch and took several steps back, trying not to feel maddened by her proximity and warmth. "It's…it's not like that," Aang stammered, "Suki didn't set this up. I did. I asked her to go."

"Asked who?" Toph demanded blankly.

"Asked Onji."

"Is that name supposed to mean anything to me?"

"Do you remember when I had that secret dance party for the kids in that Fire Nation school back during the war?"

"You mean when we were twelve?"

"Well, of course. It's not like I've thrown very many secret dance parties, Toph."

She punched out a spike of earth to poke him in the butt for that bit of sarcasm, but Aang deftly avoided the blow. He made a face at Toph but she merely smirked. "Yeah, I remember that party…" she replied slowly as she recalled the details, "She's the girl, isn't she? The one you were dancing with in the cave?"

"Yeah. That's Onji."

It was then that Toph's incredulity and confusion passed and was replaced by something else, something visceral and stark and undeniable…jealousy. Seething, burning, powerful jealousy! There was a reasoning part of her that knew she had no right to be jealous and recognized that it made no sense to be angry with Aang for noticing some other woman while remaining "blind" to her. He didn't owe her anything. They were only friends. Somewhere in the still reasoning parts of her mind, Toph knew all of that. Unfortunately, her rational side decided to take an ill-timed sabbatical right then, allowing her hurt feelings to take center stage.

She had been battling secret feelings for Aang for quite a long time and harboring all sorts of wild desires for him in her heart. Long ago, Toph had resigned herself to the reality that he would very likely never fall out of love with Katara, so none of those secret desires were likely to find fruition. But that was okay. She was a big girl and she could handle it. Aang's friendship was far more important to her anyway. Her doomed crush on him was destined to remain doomed and Toph had made her peace with that, until…about five seconds ago.

Now, contrary to everything she had expected, he was going out with someone else…and not even someone who he was especially close to either! Instead, he had made a date with some chick he hadn't had contact with in more than two decades? What the what?

Toph was ridiculously offended by his sheer gall! She was aggravated by the knowledge that she had been at his side the entire time and now he was turning to some woman he barely even knew. Granted, Aang had never made any promises to her and she certainly hadn't expected him to reward her for her unflagging support, but still his actions stung. What was it about this Onji that caused him to turn his head when she had been there the whole time and he had never even noticed? Even thought she realized that Aang had no knowledge of her feelings at all, Toph still felt as if he had rejected her. It was in that state of mind that she blurted out the first biting words that sprang to her lips.

"Wow. You're ready to date now. So I guess I can assume that you're finally over Katara then, huh?"

As expected, Aang recoiled at the accusation. Guilt caused him to wince. "What? Why would you say that?" he demanded in a throbbing whisper filled with hurt.

Toph shrugged casually, though she felt anything but at that moment. "I don't know…maybe because you're going out on a date. That pretty much says to me that you're getting over her…or that you are already. Am I wrong?"

"Yes, you are wrong," he insisted with quiet indignation, "You're very wrong!"

"You don't have to get so testy about it! Besides, what else am I supposed to think? Something must have happened for you to suddenly decide you want to go out with this woman!"

"Nothing has happened and it's not sudden," Aang denied weakly, "Onji and I have kept in touch since we had dinner with Sokka and Suki some time back."

"Oh, so you've been spending time with her then?" Toph asserted, her seething anger and feelings of betrayal mounting with each passing second, "It's funny how you never mentioned that to me before!"

"You say it like I've been sneaking around or something! That's not what happened! We've exchanged a few letters! That's all. We're friends. I thought I would ask her out for a bite to eat and maybe we'd take a walk or something afterwards. It's no big deal!"

Toph gaped at him. "It is so a big deal, Aang," she insisted, "You've never had any interest in any woman outside of Katara and now, all of a sudden, you've decided you want to date this Onji person?"

"Stop making it sound like something it isn't!"

"Hey, I'm not the one who dipped myself in a cauldron of cologne!" Toph flung back carelessly.

Aang fixed her with narrowed eyes. "What exactly are you accusing me of, Toph?"

She sidled around him with yet another casual shrug, belying the hurt, anger and jealousy churning in her stomach right then. Toph almost wanted to rant at him for cheating on her, but she bit down against the inclination with the forceful mental reminder that she and Aang were not in a relationship. It might feel that way to her, but that had never been the case in reality. Still, that didn't lessen her anger and annoyance with him one iota.

"I don't know, Aang…maybe you've had a thing for Onji the entire time and now that Katara's gone you—,"

He was in her face in a matter of milliseconds, his usually genial features dark with fury. "Don't you dare finish that sentence!" he snarled furiously, "Don't you dare accuse me of that! It's wrong and you know it! I loved Katara!"

Toph pounced on his phrasing in an instant. "'Loved?'" she echoed in surprise, "So, it's 'loved' now? That's interesting. When did your feelings for Katara become past tense?"

For a second time in the span of two minutes, Aang flinched, but this time there was a sickening wave of nausea that accompanied the reaction. Toph had just unknowingly voiced aloud one of Aang's biggest fears…that his love for Katara, which was the reborn manifestation of his love for his extinct people, was beginning to fade. For a moment, Aang thought that he would become physically ill. But what made the situation a thousand times worse was that Toph didn't know that his conflicted feelings had nothing to do with Onji at all. Instead, they were centered solely on her and, ironically, she was the one calling him out on it. Somehow, that knowledge made him feel even worse.

Feeling dangerously close to breaking down, Aang turned away from Toph and intoned gruffly, "I think you need to go, Toph."

"What? You're kicking me out?" she bleated in disbelief, "I say something you don't like and I need to go?"

"Yeah, you need to go!" he bit out sharply, "I want you to go! You have no idea what you're talking about right now or what I feel at all!"

"You're right, Aang!" she snapped, "I don't know how you feel, but I know what this looks like! If you don't like dealing with reality, that's your problem! Not mine! Maybe you need to analyze your motivations and stop taking your frustration and guilt out on me!" She drew herself up stiffly then, swiftly turning her back on him so he wouldn't see the tears welling in her eyes. "I'm going to get my kid now. Enjoy your date!"

"You've been quiet all night," Onji observed as Aang moodily pushed food across his plate, "Is this restaurant not to your liking? I told you that I would have been perfectly happy with your pick."

Aang set his chopsticks down and regarded her with a disheartened sigh. "It's not the food. It's not you. It's me."

Following his argument with Toph, Aang hadn't felt very inclined to go anywhere. He could feel those dark, familiar feelings creeping in again and he really wanted nothing more than to hide himself away for a while. It was tempting. But, when Bao arrived to look after the children for the evening, Aang decided to push through and meet Onji just as he planned. He did so for two reasons, one conscious and one subconscious. Consciously, Aang definitely did not want to go back into that deep abyss of depression in which he had resided for nearly a year following Katara's death. Unconsciously, however? He really wanted to stick it to Toph.

"Would you like to talk about what's bothering you?" Onji invited, "I've been told I'm a very good listener."

For the briefest instant, Aang considered taking her up on her offer but, then he shook his head at the last minute. "It's complicated. I don't even have it straightened out in my head yet, so talking about it would be impossible."

"I understand. But it's an open offer, Aang. Take advantage of it whenever you want."

"Thank you, Onji."

"It's the least I can do."

Aang favored her with a contrite smile. "You've been incredibly gracious tonight, though I have no idea why you would want to bother. I know this hasn't been the best evening," he acknowledged.

"Nonsense! I was able to ride a rare flying bison, have a front row seat to a street performance and now I'm having dinner in my favorite restaurant with the Avatar. I'd say it's been a pretty stellar night for me so far."

"You're pretty adept at putting a positive spin on disaster, aren't you?"

She shrugged her shoulders with a laughing, off-hand smile. "It's what I do. I'm naturally perky."

Aang's smile became tempered with remorse. "You don't have to be so polite, although I truly appreciate it. I know I haven't been any fun tonight. It's really a shame too because I'm usually a fun guy!"

Onji grinned at him. "Yeah…I sort of already suspected that about you."

He blinked at her in surprise. "You did?"

"Well, I have had the privilege of being in your company a time or two since Suki's dinner party."

"Hmm…is that your not so subtle way of pointing out that I haven't been very diligent about my promise to keep in touch?"

"Actually, no it isn't. I wasn't going for subtle at all."

Aang choked out a sharp spurt of laughter. "Duly noted."

"The point I was making, however," she emphasized with a widening grin, "is that I picked up on the fact that you were a fun guy a long time ago…and that was long before we reconnected."

He regarded her with a quizzical look. "How so?"

"Well, you are the guy who threw a secret dance party for a bunch of kids he didn't know while he was hiding out from the Fire Nation. I figured out then that you were either fun…or crazy."

"Well, when you phrase it like that, it does sound a little crazy."

"So which one are you? Fun or crazy?"

"What if I told you that it was a little of both?"

"It wouldn't surprise me in the least." Onji lowered her eyes and began tracing the edge of the tablecloth with her index finger. "You know…I always used to imagine that you threw that dance party for me," she whispered in confession.

"I kind of did."

She jerked her head up sharply and fixed him with glowing eyes. "You did?"

"Yeah. I remember looking at you and seeing this yearning in your eyes…like you wanted to be free, but you didn't know how to get there. I empathized with that because I'd been in that place before. I guess I wanted to give you a taste of what freedom was like…even if it was only in a small way."

"Well, you did," Onji confirmed for him softly.

He grinned at her. "Good to know."

She released a shuddering breath. "Aang…I wonder if…if Hide and I hadn't been together back then…if things were different and you weren't in hiding, would you…would we…"

"…it wouldn't have mattered," Aang interjected softly, "My feelings were set in stone long before I ever met you, Onji."

"That's what I thought."

Her crestfallen expression was transitory and a moment later she brightened again. Aang smiled to himself, unable to quell his admiration for her penchant for quickly dismissing any lingering negativity. Her resilience was fascinating. It was also a good trait to have. He told her so.

"Thank you," she murmured, "I try really hard to keep a positive outlook on life no matter what happens. When you grow up in the Fire Nation, you learn pretty quickly that the best way of dealing with disappointment is to get up, dust yourself off and keep going."

"You sound like my friend Toph," Aang said, "She's like a steel rod. There are few people I've known in my life who are stronger than her. She's always lecturing me about facing my problems head on."

As he spoke, the shuttered expression that had shadowed his eyes all night returned. That fact didn't escape Onji's notice at all. She fixed Aang with a curious smile.

"It sounds like your friend gives very good advice."

"She does," Aang acknowledged morosely, "She just has the tendency to get on my nerves about it."

"Hmm…sounds like a good friend to have. You want someone who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear."

"Yeah…that's Toph in a nutshell."

"She's the one who's blind, right?"

"Right," Aang confirmed, "But don't let that deceive you. Her blindness isn't a handicap at all. It's a strength and she uses it to her advantage. A lot of people have made the mistake of underestimating her because of her size and her blindness, but it's very unwise to do that. Toph will chew you up and spit you out."

"You admire her very much, don't you?"

"I've known her for more than twenty years, so that comes with the territory," Aang answered rather vaguely, not at all eager to discuss in detail exactly what he felt for Toph Beifong.

"And she's the one who taught you earthbending, isn't she?"

"Yep."

"Why does it sound like you have mixed feelings about that?"

"No…" Aang murmured after a few pensive beats, "I have good memories about it. She was a difficult teacher, but she was firm and consistent and she always pushed me to be better. She's still like that."

"She definitely sounds like a good friend."

"One of the best I've ever had."

They dined for half an hour more but when his unhappy feelings continued to hang on despite Onji's best efforts to be witty and engaging, Aang decided it was best to cut the evening short and take her home. The trip was primarily silent as Aang found himself wrapped up in thoughts of Toph. He briefly considered going to her house to apologize after dropping Onji home. After all, she had been right about him even if she had been completely obnoxious, not to mention wrong about the woman in question. It wasn't her fault that somehow his love for Katara was lacking and he was betraying every promise he'd ever made to her. That shortcoming was his alone to bear.

The least he could do was to go to Toph and acknowledge that he'd reacted badly. But then he thought about her accusation that he had a secret thing for Onji even while he had been with Katara and Aang felt his irritation with her bubble anew. Regardless of how twisted his feelings were now, Toph knew him well enough to know there was no way that he had been pining for someone else while he was with Katara. She had been everything to him…his entire heart. And, in many ways, she continued to be everything to him. He supposed she always would be everything to him, only now…now it felt like his heart was divided.

He could forgive Toph for the brash way she had pointed out the fallacy in his actions, but he couldn't forgive her for that charge. Not when she knew better. Not when she was supposed to know him.

Aang was still stewing over that inwardly when he walked Onji to her front door like a perfect gentleman. She, for her part, seemed rather oblivious to the dark thoughts plaguing him right then. She smiled at him and took both of his hands into her own for a brief squeeze.

"I really had a good time tonight, Aang."

A dubious snort rose in his throat, but he swallowed it back. "You don't have to say that. I know you had a terrible time tonight and I don't blame you. I've been somewhere else the whole time."

"Not the whole time."

"Onji, please…"

"Okay, okay…there were some…ah…flaws," Onji admitted rather practically, "But I'm choosing to focus on the positive. You know I tend to do that."

He smirked at her. "And what exactly was the positive?"

She favored him with a soft smile. "I got to spend time with you."

Aang suspected the kiss was coming the second her eyes became heavy. He managed to lightly grip her shoulders and turn his head away so that she managed to graze his cheek instead of his lips. Onji reared back with a mortified gasp, clearly hurt by his reaction.

"I…I'm sorry," she stammered, "I don't know what possessed me to do that."

"No, I'm the one who should be apologizing to you, Onji," Aang insisted quietly, "I think I might have sent you mixed signals tonight."

"You didn't," she insisted.

"I know I did. I'm the one who asked you out tonight and, instead of being an attentive date, I've been preoccupied all night. That wasn't very fair to you."

"Exactly," she mumbled, "You've been preoccupied and obviously upset about something and I knew that. So, I don't know why I thought it would be a good idea to kiss you. I…I guess I was trying to make you feel better and I got carried away."

He frowned at her. "So, you decided to give me a pity kiss?"

Onji made a face at him. "A pity kiss? Hardly! I'm not that altruistic. I've wanted to kiss you for a long time now, Aang, and… I was…hoping that you might want to kiss me back."

Aang took several steps back from her, shaking his head sadly. "Onji, I can't," he whispered, "I'm so sorry that I confused you tonight. I asked you out for all the wrong reasons."

She surveyed him with a quizzical tilt of her head. "The wrong reasons?"

He briefly closed his eyes as a wave of shame washed over him. "I thought going out with you tonight would help to take my mind off of someone else, but it didn't." He ducked his head with a guilty sigh. "I'm sorry I misled you into thinking I was interested in anything other than friendship. I shouldn't have used you that way."

Following his candid admission, Onji stood there for a long moment, stunned and ashamed before she gradually regained enough composure to speak. "I forgive you, Aang. It's not completely your fault," she admitted quietly, "I knew what I was getting into when I agreed to dinner. This isn't really a surprise. I kind of suspected that you might not be over Katara and this was too soon for you. I've been there before. I know it takes time to heal."

"Onji, I—,"

"Don't apologize anymore…please," she interrupted quickly, "It's okay. I'll be alright…once I get over the fact that I made a complete fool of myself just now." He was still flailing around for an explanation when she turned the knob to her front door and began scooting inside the house. "Thank you again for dinner. Goodnight, Aang."

She closed the door before he could say anything more and left Aang to contemplate the heavy, wooden façade of her front door, riddled with remorse. The irony of the moment wasn't lost on him at all. Onji was suppressing her righteous indignation towards him because she thought he wasn't over Katara. She believed that it was Katara that he had been preoccupied with all evening, but that wasn't even remotely near the truth. To his everlasting shame, Katara hadn't dominated his thoughts very much at all that night.

He turned away from the door, feeling a little sick and lost as the realization dawned, irrefutable and heavy and scarier than anything he had ever known. He didn't understand what was happening to him but, he could no longer deny that something inside him was changing profoundly. Aang he knew only one thing for certain…when he'd told Onji that he'd gone out with her because he wanted to take his mind off of another woman, it hadn't been Katara he was talking about at all…not even in the smallest sense.

It had been Toph.