The Fade was such a mess, I thought it should be cleaned up a bit nicer. Enjoy!

(6) Justinian 14th

My eyes snap open to the ceiling, and I spring upright clutching my throat. No… Maker, no… I look to my side and see Hawke still asleep, deep in the clutches of the Fade. I drop my knees beside her and pick up her hand in mine. "Hawke, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"Fenris? What's happened?!" Keeper Marethari exclaims, rising from a chair in the next room. She rushes in, concern all over her face.

I drop Hawke's hand and push past the keeper and out of the hovel, stone faced.

"Fenris!" Marethari's voice calls out behind me as I slam the door shut and run out into the night air.

I run towards Hightown as fast as my feet will carry me. NO! What have I done?! I shove all thoughts out of my mind and focus on the movement of my body. When I finally reach the door of my house, I rip it open, closing it with my back as I collapse onto the ground. I did it… I… Betrayed Hawke. They very thing I always feared she would do to me… It wasn't her who was too weak to resist a demon. It was me. Have I always been blaming her for my own insecurities? My judgments have been misplaced. It has always been me that's been at fault. My whole life, it has always been me who has been the problem… I just refused to see it. I'm weaker than everyone around me… As hard as I have fought not to believe that, to make it not true, it is. Hawke faces demons in the Fade daily, yet she fends them off. I couldn't even resist one encounter… Hawke… I run my fingers through my hair, returning them to press against my forehead. How disappointed in me she must be. I turned against her, after she trusted me enough to bring me into the Fade to assist her… If that demon hurts her… One of my hands clenches into a fist. I hurt her. How will she ever be able to look at me after that? She must have lost all respect for me. I'm such a hypocrite. How did I do that? I've been in love with Hawke for four years… four years… How could I be deceived into forgetting that? After everything she's done for me. This, is how I repay her. I slam my head backwards into the door until the wood splinters. I feel my hair grow wet with blood. I'll go to her when she gets back. Apologize. I hope she spits in my face like I deserve. That would be easier than to have her pretend that we're okay. We aren't. What I did is inexcusable. Isabela should have slashed my throat before we entered the Fade. If the roles were reversed, we both know I would wish death upon Hawke. If she commands me to never lay eyes on her again, I will obey. I'll leave Kirkwall. There's nothing here for me aside from her… I slam my fist into the ground. There's nothing for me anywhere! Kaffas! I spit onto the floor. Why couldn't Isabela's blade have actually killed me?!

"WHAT USE AM I?!" I scream as loud as my vocal cords will allow. After so long of trying to become a real man, I've thrown everything away. Demolished everything I've built, for power. The very thing I despise others for lusting after!... I hate myself so much… I want to cry, but I don't allow it. I don't deserve to. Instead, I set my jaw and stand to my feet. Blood runs down the back of my neck, but I ignore it. I reopen my door and head straight for Hawke's mansion to await her return.

Bodahn opens the door with a smile. "Good evening sir! Come in!"

I step inside, my faced steeled.

"Um… Serah Hawke is out at the moment. Would you like for me to send for you upon her return?" The dwarf asks, clearly uncomfortable.

I shake my head. "I'll wait for her here." I say in low voice and walk over to the far wall and lean against it.

"As you wish." Bodahn retreats to his corner of the room with Sandal.

Time passes slowly as I trace the lines on the carpet with my eyes, trying to avoid any thought. Hawke's arrival could not come soon enough if it were in seconds. After a couple of hours, Lenadra emerges from her room.

"Bodahn, has she returned yet?" Hawke's mother asks. Purple bags surround her eyes and she yawns. "Oh!" She startles as she notices my presence. "Fenris? Why aren't you with Hawke?" She brings a hand to her mouth. "Has something happened?"

I can't deal with this right now. I march up the stairs, past her and into Hawke's room. I toss behind me, "Tell her I'm waiting for her." And shut the door.

"What does he mean, waiting for her in her room? Bodahn, do you know the extent of their relationship?" Leandra's voice travels through the walls.

There is no extent of it any more. I walk over to her bed and perch on the edge of it, not making any attempt to get comfortable.

I hear Leandra's voice start again, apparently replying to something Bodahn had said. "Well, she speaks of him constantly, far more than the others. But she never tells me anything of substance, and it's always Varric who's over here during the day. Does Fenris visit at night often, when I don't know about it?"

I don't try to block out her words, though they are painful. She won't be discussing me pleasantly any longer. I pick at the top of my belt but stop as it reminds me of when Hawke did that in the Deep Roads. I don't deserve the good memories. She needs to be here already. It had to end at some point – Maker, why did I have to ruin it this way? – but it might as well be now.

"Why didn't you tell me she's been visiting him sometimes at night? Why didn't she tell me? I should know when my daughter has a… a… boyfriend, or whatever this is! I'm used to this sort of thing from Carver, but Bethany and Marian were never like that…" Leandra's footsteps retreat, and she shuts her door.

Yet another way I've failed Hawke. She's afraid to tell her mother about us because I'm so uncertain…

After about another half hour, the doorknob turns and Hawke steps inside, closing it behind her. I quickly stand, walk over, and kneel on one knee before her, my head down.

"What…?" Hawke's word comes out quietly.

"Hawke, I am sorry… Those words are insufficient, I-" I'm cut off.

She makes a gasping sound and then hits the floor, her arms around my shoulders, pulling me against her chest. "You're alive."

What? I look up to see tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I saw Isabela kill you and I couldn't… I didn't believe you were alright until now. I went to your house and you weren't there… I looked everywhere! I thought…" She squeezes my shoulders and leans back, holding me at a small distance. "But you're hurt! There's blood in your hair! And I'm touching you, sorry!" She lets go, possible more upset than before.

I pull away from her. No. This can't be right. "Stop. That doesn't matter." I dip my head once again. "I failed you. Betrayed you. There is no way I can undo what I did. I won't let that ever happen again. Please know that I am sorry. You can send me away."

Hawke's eyebrows knit, and she frowns. "Don't say something like that. I would never want you to go, and I don't have the power to send you away. Your actions are your own. Yes, it hurt me to see you turn against us, but I don't blame you. Shit happens, Fenris. What hurt me the most was seeing the pain that demon put you through. I should never have brought you there. For that, I'm sorry."

No, no, no. She can't take the blame for me. She can't apologize. I stand to my feet and walk away from her. "I accepted the deal of a demon. I am no better than those I despise the most. I shouldn't be here."

"You're nothing like that. Everyone has weaknesses. You're different because you're good." Hawke pleads with me.

How is it that she can so easily overlook something like this? I look back at her over my shoulder, bewildered.

"Besides, everyone gets one free demonic possession before I hold it against them." She winks at me.

I love this woman so much. I growl, still furious with myself. "How is it that you see an entirely different person when you look at me than I see?"

"You only see the things you want to see, the things that would prevent you from being worthy of anything you don't think you deserve. I see your flaws along with your strengths, and I like what I see." Hawke smiles at me.

I lower my eyes. "You certainly know the right things to say." Could she be right? I'm uncertain if I'm too harsh on myself, or not harsh enough.

She giggles. "What, you didn't know that was one of my special skills?" She straightens back up. "But seriously, it's okay. We're okay, I'm not mad at you. Isabela did the same thing anyway."

I spin around. "What?!" The pirate betrayed her too?! She was left alone with just… Anders. Vishante kaffas!

Hawke shrugs. "Yeah. At least you didn't betray me for a boat. Isabela is one of my best friends, I love her to death, but I swear she would trade me to Satan for one corn chip."

I snort. That's crazy… It almost makes me feel better…

"But that does not mean you get to be mad at Isabela! I'm only telling you this so you don't feel like it was just you."

I nod, and we stand in silence for a few moments. I can't comprehend how she can forgive me, but I am thankful for it. I wish I could be as forgiving of myself.

"Would you like for me to leave so you can get some sleep?" I finally ask.

"Not particularly. I recently saw you die; I like having you near me." Hawke shrugs as if she doesn't actually care if I go.

"Alright then. I'll stay with you." I move to the side of the bed and remove my gauntlets and chest plate.

Smiling, Hawke says, "Umm… please let me heal the back of your head now."

I nod assent and follow her into her washroom.

She dips out a cup of water from the larger barrel. "Please lean over the tub so I can wash the blood out of your hair." She instructs me.

I comply, kneeling beside the empty bathtub and leaning my head over it. I could do this myself, but it's nice that she wants to do it for me.

Hawke pours the cold water over my head and gently tosses my hair to rinse it. She retrieves a second scoop of water and repeats the process. Then she holds her hand about an inch from my scalp, and I feel the wound knit itself back together.

"Thank you." I rise to my feet. That is much better.

"You are very welcome!" She surveys me and chews her bottom lip. "Sorry to ask this, but would you mind washing your feet and taking off your tunic? If you do mind that's fine, but I would prefer not to ruin my blanket and sheets."

I look down at my appearance. I suppose I really shouldn't have sat on my floors. I'm filthy again.

"And I was being serious, I promise I'm not just trying to get you out of your clothes. I said I wasn't going to do that anymore, and I meant it." Hawke gives me an embarrassed look.

"I trust you." I mean the words as I say them, as much as I never thought I would trust anyone. "You can go ahead and get in bed; I'm sure it's getting light outside. I'll clean myself up."

"Sounds good." Hawke grins at me, clearly relieved that I didn't misinterpret her words, and exits the washroom.

I remove my tunic and pants, as I can't wash my feet with them on. I withdraw some water and scrub my feet and hands clean. When I finish, I reach for my pants, but think better of it when I see how dirty they are. I'm fine like this. I kick my clothes into a pile and renter Hawke's bedroom in just my underwear. I'm mostly obscured by shadow, and Hawke is already in bed with the candles blown out. As I slide under the covers beside her, I catch a glimpse of thin purple fabric I've seen only once before. My markings heat up slightly, I try to quickly cover them up with the blanket.

Hawke smiles at me. "Pretty."

I resist putting my arm around her because I am uncertain how much it'll burn with my tunic absent. Instead, I lace my fingers with hers and she leans her cheek lightly against my shoulder.

It's a little bit painful to bring myself to do it, but, I smile. I can handle this.