A/N: I'm sorry it's been so long. I was really busy all of November with finals coming up, and then the first two weeks of December when I actually had finals. Thankfully all of that is over and done with. I hope to get a lot of writing down while I have a month off until next semester. So consider this a Christmas present from me to all of you. Merry Christmas!
Warnings for this chapter: cutting
Disclaimer: My Christmas wish is to own Harry Potter. Let's see if it comes true. ;)
Chapter Twenty
Twenty-Four Weeks Pregnant
Even though Dumbledore had given Harry and Ginny a few days off after the latest Rita Skeeter article came out, Ginny ultimately ignored the offer. She knew it would only attract more attention to herself and Harry if she disappeared for a few days. Instead, she chose to attend classes as normal, ignoring the looks she got while the other students passed her in the hallway.
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and Nena were even more protective of Ginny than normal. The five friends walked her to each of her classes, keeping anyone from approaching her and hushing any offhanded comments they heard. Ginny was especially grateful for Nena, as they had most of their classes together; Nena sat beside her during class and ensured she would not be bothered.
They could only do so much though. Luna, Neville, and Colin eventually caught up with Ginny. Of course, they were not looking to cause any trouble, instead offering words of support. Ginny was relieved to know that at least some people would not start treating her differently now that her secret was out.
The Gryffindors left her alone for the most part. They knew better than to harass her, especially with Ron and Harry around. There were a few people who did speak badly of her though; namely Cho Chang and Michael Corner. They spoke loudly about her whenever she was near, saying how she was sure to be an unfit mother.
Remembering Kingsley's advice, Ginny told Dumbledore about Cho and Michael's unkind words; both were suspended from Hogwarts.
Ginny spent an entire week considering how to react to the article. Should she ignore it and act like nothing had ever happened? That seemed like the worst idea, because something had certainly happened, and if she ignored it she would be lying to herself, and the rest of the Wizarding world. She didn't want to start her new life with Harry and their daughter with a lie. That was why Ginny found herself sitting with Luna during their lunch break that day.
"Of course, I would be more than happy to write an article for you, Ginny, but are you certain you want to do this?" Luna asked.
"I'm positive. If everyone is going to know about me, they need to know the truth and not whatever lies Skeeter chooses to print." Ginny nodded, her mind already made up.
"That's very wise of you, Ginny. When would you like me to interview you?"
"Tonight would be best. Harry has patrol so we could do it while he's gone," Ginny suggested.
"That's sounds good. We could meet in the Room of Requirement at eight o'clock."
"Great. I'll meet you there. Thanks again for doing this for me." Ginny rose from her seat, ready to return to the Gryffindor table.
"I'm happy to help you." Luna smiled at her before Ginny left.
H/G
Later that night, Ginny arrived at the Room of Requirement to find Luna there waiting for her. Once she settled herself in a chair across from Luna by the fire, she took a deep breath and asked, "Where should we begin?"
"Why don't you tell me how this all started?" Luna suggested. "Why you started hurting yourself, and how it made you feel."
Ginny nodded. She knew this was to be one of the hardest things she had ever done.
"It all began during my first year at Hogwarts. Tom Riddle preserved a memory of his sixteen-year-old self in a diary; he used that diary to control me. I was forced to attack Muggleborn students, including my own friends. I had no choice. I tried to resist him but he was too strong. I almost died; he drained me of all of my energy so that he could return to a physical body. My husband and my brother, Ron, risked their lives to save me.
"We all thought that was the end of my problems, but it was far from it. I had nightmares all that summer. They stopped eventually; that is until Voldemort came back to power three years ago. Then they started up again with a vengeance. I would dream that I killed all the Muggleborns in the school, and that Harry was too late to save me before Riddle returned to power, killing me. I was in so much pain that I didn't want to live anymore.
"The nightmares kept on for two years. Two years ago, I couldn't stand the pain anymore. One night I cut my wrists, hoping to end it all. But instead of taking my own life, I realized physical pain overpowered the emotional anguish I went through each and every day. So I started to hurt myself. It helped rid me of the pain. I had found a way to live without suffering."
"What made you decide to stop cutting?" Luna asked, jotting down everything Ginny said.
"I was addicted to it. Every time something bad happened, I would cut. It was the way I learned to deal with it. I ended up in the Hospital Wing twice after I had accidentally cut too deep. The second time it happened Madam Pomfrey found out the truth. Dumbledore referred me to a Mental Healer, Healer Seacrest. She diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. She helped me realize that even though I felt relief after I hurt myself, it was only temporary. The pain always came back.
"I knew that I needed to stop cutting. I was afraid I might one day go too far and accidentally kill myself because of my foolishness. And I didn't want my goddaughter to grow up with a godmother who hurt herself. I didn't want to hurt my family and friends anymore. So I quit. I haven't cut myself in a year."
"Now that you're having a child of your own, do you intend to tell her the truth?" Luna questioned.
"I do. I don't want to lie to my children, even if they become ashamed or disappointed in me," Ginny answered.
"Do you think your past will affect how you raise your children?"
"Yes and no. I'll definitely watch my kids for any sign of depression, but I know I'm never going to hurt myself again. I would never put my children through that, or the rest of my family for that matter."
"That's great, Ginny. We definitely have enough here for an excellent article," Luna told her, putting her quill down.
"Good. I want people to know the truth. You never know, maybe I can help someone else by telling them my experience." Ginny rubbed her belly tenderly.
"You look tired. You should get some rest," Luna observed.
"I think I will. Thanks again, Luna."
"I enjoyed doing it, Ginny. I hope this helps."
Ginny returned to her and Harry's dormitory, falling asleep almost instantly. It wasn't long before a nightmare found her.
Ginny sat on the floor of the master bedroom at Potter Manor. The door was closed and she sat with her back to it, hiding behind the bed. She held a razor in her hand; she had been staring at it for several minutes now.
She was consumed with pain, and knew this was the only way to break through it. Bringing the blade to her wrist, she sliced through flesh. It stung and her wrist throbbed; she focused on that pain. As long as she had the physical pain, she wouldn't be suffering emotionally.
"Mummy?" a little girl asked.
Ginny jumped.
"Are you all right, Mummy? Why are you bleeding?" The redheaded child moved closer to her mother.
"Mummy's fine, sweetheart. I just had an accident. Go back to bed and I'll come tuck you in in a moment." Ginny wasn't able to look into her daughter's eyes.
The girl didn't listen to her.
"Why did you do it, Mummy? Don't you know I hate it when you do it? I hate you, Mummy. I hate you."
Startled, Ginny looked up.
"You don't mean that, Lily."
But it was too late. The girl was fading away. "I hate you, Mummy. You're the worst mummy ever."
The door closed loudly to the dormitory, and Ginny sat up too fast. She immediately grabbed her stomach as a wave of dizziness overcame her.
"Ginny, are you all right? What is it?" Harry was instantly by her side.
"I'm just a little dizzy. I think I sat up too fast." Ginny shook him off, not wanting him to worry about her.
"Are you sure you're all right? You're awfully pale." Harry put a hand to her forehead but she knew she wasn't sick.
Ginny sighed heavily, knowing Harry would eventually drag the truth out of her.
"I had a bad dream," she admitted.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry asked, taking her hand in his.
Ginny nodded, though she wanted to keep the dream to herself. "I was in our bedroom at Potter Manor. I . . . I hurt myself. I don't even know why; all I know is I was in unbelievable pain. Before I could clean myself up, Lily found me. She told me she hated me. She kept saying it over and over 'I hate you, Mummy. I hate you.' Then she disappeared."
"Oh, Ginny. You know that will never happen; don't you, love?" Harry wrapped her in his arms.
"I . . . I don't know. I know I hope it never happens. But a part of me still thinks she'll be disappointed in me." Ginny buried her head in his chest.
"That will never happen," Harry repeated. "Our children could never hate you, and they will never be disappointed in you. You overcame your disorder, and you did it for them. They could never be anything but proud of you."
"Do you really think that; do you believe they'll love me even when they find out the truth?" Ginny asked.
"I know they will, love. I know they will."
Neither of them spoke any more. The conversation was over, and Ginny was too tired to even think about beginning another one. Instead, she let herself find comfort in Harry's arms. And when she woke the next day she felt better than she had in weeks.