Let me go

One more kiss could be the best thing,

Or one more lie could be the worst,

And all these thoughts are never resting,

And you're not something I deserve.

In my head there's only you now, this world falls on me,

In this world there's real and make believe,

And this seems real to me.

You love me but you don't know who I am,

I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand,

And you love me but you don't know who I am, So let me go.

Three doors down - Let me go

Criss was distant as he pulled into the hotel parking lot. I watched out the passenger window at the freshly fallen snow. All day he had been very quiet and was keeping his distance. Attempting to lighten the mood, I had suggested going to see a movie, but even that didn't work. He sat next to me in the theater, leaning away from me, making sure not to touch me. He had said a total of six sentences to me most of the day. Now, as we sat in his car I began to feel sick to my stomach, my gut was telling me he had made up his mind.

subconsciously I knew that this was it, this was the end of the road, but I wanted to hold on to the little faith I had, faith that Criss was going find a way for us to be together. I wasn't sure if I had the strength in me to face what was happening, in less then twelve hours Criss was going to board the plane to Vegas, and he was going to move on with his life.

In all honesty, I was doubting my reasons for staying behind. I didn't want Criss to leave, but I knew he had to, and that left me with the decision of staying in Michigan, or going to Vegas with him. Suddenly the thought of living in Vegas seemed like a better option than staying here, but I wasn't going to invite myself, and Criss never asked. I wondered what his reasoning was for not asking me to come with him, but I didn't have to wonder very much before the answer popped into my head, I wasn't what he wanted.

"Lana, look," Criss sighed and turned to face me when he put his car into park, "you're a nice girl and everything, but this is the end of the line."

I groaned and hung my head in my hands, my heart sank to my feet and I realized this was the moment I had been dreading since the day I met him.

"What are you saying?" I asked him in a small voice, refusing to look up at him. I didn't want him to see the tears that I knew were going to spill over at any moment.

"I like you Lana, but you're just not my type. It was fun while it lasted, but now we have to go our separate ways, and I'm sorry but, you just don't have a place in my life anymore." Those two sentences hurt me more than anything ever had before.

"But I thought.." I whimpered.

"Yea, so did I.." he said quietly. "I'm sorry I let it go as far as it did." he mumbled. I whipped my head around to glare at him. He was sorry? Sorry? He was kidding me right? Sorry was all he could muster up after he made me fall in love with him, slept with me and then just threw me away like I was garbage?

"How could you?" I glared at him.

"Look, I've known you for less than a week. You can't seriously think this would go anywhere? I have an image to uphold, and bringing home a girl that I've know for five days, what's that going to say about me?" He snapped.

I bit down on my lip and flinched away. He hit the nerve that I had been trying so desperately to hide, and that was all I needed to hear. My suspicion had been right all along. How could I have been so stupid to think he would actually keep me around? I wasn't what his fans thought he needed. I was just a stupid small town girl who fell for the rock star.

"So what the hell was the past week then? I was right! I was just some girl who fell for your charm, someone for you to have fun with while you were away!" I shouted at him. He shrugged and stared at me. "So I'm disposable huh? Just like that."

"What more did you expect? My brothers were right, I know nothing about you, and I don't think I should be with someone like you." He said coldly.

I flinched away from him, someone like me? Some stupid ordinary girl from Michigan. Someone who was stupid enough to think someone as famous as him could fall for me. Someone who he cared nothing about, and someone who was going home broken hearted while he flew back to his fancy life.

I couldn't believe it, he was really dumping me. I thought after the week we had that he would at least try to hold on to us. At least make an effort to keep us going. Inside I was laughing at myself, laughing for being so stupid and believing that someone like him could really fall in love with someone like me. I was just a toy to him, and I was an idiot to myself.

"So you were lying to me all those times you said you loved me?" I asked. I saw his face frown for a second before he quickly composed himself. He glared at me but stayed silent. "Right. Well, have a great fucking life then." I flung open the passenger side door and ran as quickly as my feet would let me go. I heard Criss call my name behind me but I didn't stop.

I only made as far as the side of the hotel before my legs gave out. Bracing myself against the brick wall, I sank down into the snow. I didn't care that it was only ten degrees out, didn't care that the snow was quickly melting through my jeans, and didn't care that within an hour, my body was going to be completely numb from the cold. My body was already completely numb and my heart was already shattered into a million pieces.

"Lana!" Criss yelled as he ran up behind me, grabbing me around my shoulders and attempting to pull me up. "Lana, don't be such a child, you're going to get sick. Get up!" He snapped, and I could have sworn I heard his voice break slightly. Who was I kidding? He wasn't upset, he didn't give a shit about me. Criss continued to yank on me, but my dead weight was too much for him.

"Just leave me the fuck alone Criss! You don't fucking care!" I screamed, almost at the top of my lungs.

"Fuck!" Criss screamed before he forcefully let go of me. I leaned my head against the wall and sobbed, hardly noticing when Criss finally left.

I cried harder than I ever had before, and it wasn't long before I was gagging. After retching for what seemed to be forever, my body finally gave out and I laid down on the ground. My teeth wouldn't stop chattering and my body began to shiver violently, and I wasn't sure if it was from the cold or from the pain in my chest. I closed my eyes, still sobbing as hard as I could, and the world slowly became silent.

I came to when I felt my body being lifted from the cold ground and I was placed in the backseat of a car, Criss' car. I sat up in a panic, why was I back in Criss' car? Was that all a dream? The pain in my throat and the stinging in my eyes told me it was all too real. So what the hell was going on? Everything became clear when I noticed Costa in the drivers seat.

"Costa?" I croaked, surprising myself at the sound of my voice. I sounded like shit, like a frog that had just been ran over by three separate semi-trucks.

"Hey sweetheart, its okay, I'm taking you home." he looked at me through the rear view mirror. His eyes were full of concern. "I'm so sorry Lana, if I could do something.." he trailed off.

"Its okay Costa, Ill be okay. I'm tougher than I look." I lied and laid back down across the back seat. As much as I wanted to rely on his brother for answers, I couldn't look at him, he reminded me of Criss, and it hurt too much. I tried my hardest to hold onto my strength, at least until Costa got me home safely.

"We're here." Costa announced and pulled into my driveway. Halfway through the ride I managed to drag myself from the backseat and plop down into the passenger seat. Costa would glance over at me every half a second, I'm sure he was expecting me to break down at any moment, but I did pretty good at holding myself together.

He put the car into park, took a deep breath and looked over at me. "Lana, I don't know what to say. What my brother did..."

"You don't have to say anything Costa. I knew this was coming, it just hit me harder than I expected, but I'm okay now." I reassured him. He looked at me with sympathy in his eyes, and I knew he wasn't buying a word I said. "Really Costa, I'll be fine."

"If you need anything, you can call me." he half smiled at me.

"Thank you Costa." I said and opened my door.

It took me forever just to get my key into the lock and open the door, Costa stayed put until I had my front door open, and with one last sad look, he pulled out of the driveway and left. I sluggishly made my way to the living room and sat down on the couch, looking around at my belongings that now seem to have no meaning to me. Nothing mattered to me now.

In fact, looking around my living room, everything now reminded me of Criss. The hours we spent on the couch, the movies we watched, the nicknacks he complimented me on, the crooked smiles he gave me when he looked at photos of my family, everything had Criss written all over it, and it was starting to piss me off.

Who did he think he was? Some superstar who could treat women like shit? Walk all over them, use them up, and then throw them away when he had his fill? How could he do this to me? After everything we had been through, he just threw me to the wolves, just like that, like none of it ever mattered to him. He made me believe that he actually loved me, that he cared about me and wanted to be with me. I guess that's what I got for being so stupid and naive. My anger was at a boiling point.

I stood up and ran my fingers across a small picture frame. I had gotten lucky enough to get a picture of Criss and I while he was here. I remembered him laughing when he saw the picture sitting on my book shelf, talking about how beautiful I looked and how ridiculous he looked.

"Fuck you!" I screamed, throwing the picture across the room, feeling a bit of self satisfaction as I watched it shatter into a dozen pieces. I snatched the angel nicknack he had bought for me when we took a trip to the grocery store one night.

"You piece of shit asshole!" I yelled and threw it into the wall beside me. Before I knew what I was doing, my hands were grabbing anything they could find, throwing them all throughout the house and shattering everywhere. I managed to kick and punch my living room wall a few times, leaving large gashes every few feet. I screamed at the top of my lungs until my throat was so sore it began to close up and it was difficult to breathe, throwing and shattering everything I could find and then finally I collapsed onto the living room floor and sobbed.

I woke up to loud banging on my front door. "Lana! Open the fucking door!" I heard Jo scream from outside. My eyes adjusted to the light and I took a look around my living room, a bit shocked by the scene in front of me. My house was completely destroyed, everything fragile was busted and shattered all around, picture frames sprawled across the floor, every piece of glass splintered and every item on my book selves were scattered through the house.

"Lana! Seriously! Open the god damn door!" Jo banged a few more times. "I know you're in there!" I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to live anymore, all I wanted to do was lay on my living room floor and await death. I curled up into the fetal position, wrapped my arms around my head in attempt to block out Jos voice, and began to cry again. Why couldn't she just let me sleep?

"Drew! She wont open the fucking door! I know, I tried the spare! She's got the chain lock on and I can't break it. Alright, Ill see if I can get in that way." Jo was in a panic, and she had resorted to calling my brother, Drew out of all of them.

Drew and Jo had a past, not a very good one either. Since Drew was the brother closest to our age, it was inevitable that Jo and Drew would hook up sooner or later. It would have been fine, if it weren't for one problem, Jo was dating her on off boyfriend at the time, and wound up cheating on the both of them, creating a huge case of family drama and eventually it lead to a fist fight between my brother and Jos boyfriend. Ever since then, Jo and Drew steered clear of each other, only talking when it was absolutely necessary, and after hearing Jo call Drew, it quickly occurred to me that Jo was in frantic and desperate, but I felt cold and heartless when I realized I didn't care.

"Son of a bitch!" Jo yelled while she attempted to climb through my living room window, pulling the curtain halfway down. "What the fuck Lana!" she snapped when she finally placed her feet on the ground.

She stopped dead in her tracks, her eyes widened and she looked around in disbelief. "Holy fuck, was there a tornado that no one told me about? What the fuck happened?" she asked, slowly walking towards me, watching her step to make sure she didn't step on anything sharp. "Lana! Talk to me."

I tightened my body, pulling myself closer into myself and wrapped my arms around my knees. Jo finally made it to me and sat down beside me, I didn't dare look up at her, I didn't need to, she already knew the answers.

"I'm gonna fucking kill him." she sneered and wrapped her arms around me. She held me silently as I sobbed, not saying a word.