Gomen ne
Chapter 21
Golden eyes opened to surreal blinding light that faded to a face. Youthful, worried, accented by pink-berry hair; violet gems of sight.
The strange glow dimmed and the beeping of the heart monitor toned in; the feel of IV's poked into his arms--things numb grew to awareness. He reached to the face, his fingers running through the strawberry hair. His angel, his strawberry angel.
"Shuichi, I'm sorry, so sorry." Yuki felt tender hands grab his, his eyes blurring; he felt tears tumble onto his hand from those violet eyes.
"Yuki." Shuichi pressed his face into Yuki's chest, careful but desperate. "You'll be okay. The doctors…I…I won't let you leave me! Not again! Not ever!" Shuichi trembled, and nearly smothered himself clinging to Yuki, his tears boundless.
"….I'm sorry….Shu….I had to leave….last year….."
"I know about your cancer….Sakuma-san overheard…." Shuichi tensed and shook his head. "It's too much…your cancer…you getting shot…and….if you never left…." Shudders convulsed through Shuichi, his voice lowering. "If you never left…."
"I'd be dead." Yuki felt Shu freeze, then push away to gaze face to face; Shu trembled. "I wanted to die last year."
"Yuki…."
"I meant that note I left to be a suicide note…." Yuki inhaled, closed is eyes and then exhaled, the deafening sound of gunshots ringing from his memory. He opened his eyes, now clear of moisture. "Where's Sakuma?"
"In isolation…." Shuichi cringed into a ball beside the bed, pulling at his hair, his sobs muffled by the mattress. "Why the hell….how could Sakuma-san….everything's crazy….and no one will explain….."
"….the photograph Sakuma-san had…." Yuki sat up and placed his hand on Shu's head, the strawberry strands gentle and smooth.
"Huh? Oh…Seguchi-san took it….he paled the moment he saw it…." Shu breathed out after a deep inhale through the hospital covers, Yuki's scent calmed him into silent tears instead of sobs. "I didn't see….."
"Ki…Kitazawa was in the picture with Sakuma." Yuki's heart throbbed but he bit his lip and gazed at Shuichi whose violet eyes widened, blocking out the tears.
"When….how….."
"Nittle Grasper was active in Japan when I lived in New York…Tohma visited when he could….sometimes with Sakuma….they were friends before Nittle Grasper." Yuki turned toward the window the night sky a stark contrast to the bright hospital room. "I never…hm…Tohma must be shocked….."
"He hasn't left Sakuma-san since he saw the photo…." Shuichi turned at the sound of the door opening, Mika stepped in wiping a stray tear from her cheek. She hurried forward seeing Yuki awake and sitting.
"Eiri! Thank god." She pushed Shu away and hugged her brother, sitting on the chair by the bed afterwards. "I've been worried sick."
"Mika."
"….I'll go get some sodas…." Shu backed away, biting his lip as he walked into the hall--giving Mika time alone with her brother. He wandered down the hall, head pounding, surroundings a blur as he sunk into his thoughts; Hiro grabbing his arm brought him back to reality.
"Shu…" Hiro caught his friend as Shuichi collapsed to tears, convulsions drowning him to unconsciousness.
0
Ryu huddled in the corner of the white-walled room, the only furnishing a small bed he pushed against the door; he pounded his wounded hand against the wall until it opened and bled, the crimson staining his chest and drying on his skin.
"Ryu…." Tohma pushed the bed as he entered the room, his throat clenched seeing Ryu's bleeding hand. "Ryuichi, I…please….I don't understand." He knelt by the cowering man, gazing at the cuts on Ryu's palm, each time the doctor bandaged it, Ryu would undo it. This was the third time. "Please tell me."
"Hh…ah…." Ryu pulled away and shook his head; his breathing quickened and he shuddered with pain, panic rising with the tears brimming under his eyelids. He punched the floor hard, and readied another before Tohma stopped him, pulling Ryu against his chest.
"Please say something."
"….gomen-nasai…." Ryu heard Tohma's heartbeat, his ear snug against the blond's chest. "The safety…."
"Ryu…." Tohma gazed at the ceiling fleetly, his breath held steady with his pain. "Eiri's all right. He's resting."
"….I didn't….mean to….the safety…." Ryu quivered and clenched his hand, not feeling the pain just the heat of the cuts. "…it fired…."
"K checked it, the safety was faulty…." Tohma pried Ryu from his chest and lifted his chin for eye to eye contact. "But….why did you….no…why didn't you tell me? About…." Tohma's stomach clenched as he remembered the photograph--Ryu with Kitazawa.
"Why didn't you tell me he died? I didn't find out 'til I went solo in America…."
"…I didn't know that you….." Tohma swallowed hearing the bitter rare anger in Ryu's voice. "…I had to be there for Eiri…I never knew….you and him…." He spat the 'him' out like a bad taste, his hatred of Kitazawa undying.
"You introduced us…the first time I tagged along to New York." Ryu backed out of Tohma's arms, face downcast, the smooth, shiny floor holding his sight; he wandered through the words he wanted to say, words he kept under lock and key for years. "You should've considered that Yu-kun and I were at least friends…."
" 'at least friends'? Ryu, were you…."
"I fell in love with him…." Ryu leaned back against the wall, knees to his chest, arms around his legs. Jabs of pain from his hand slowly filled his senses, his distress ebbing with each word, his physical numbness waning.
Tohma bit back his 'but why,' memory flashing a long dormant scene into his thoughts; before he brought Eiri to New York, but not more than a few months prior:
"I love you Tohma, have for quite a while." Ryu clung to him as he disclosed his heart, confessing as evening chased the day away. Tohma paused with surprise.
"Ryu…I need to finish tweaking the new song…." Tohma turned, switching on the synthesizer, smiling off the declaration as Ryu's playfulness. He thought it was--until he saw Ryu's eyes: Serious, hurt.
"I mean it, Tohma, I love you." The singer stared at the floor blushing. "Please can't we…."
"Ryuichi…I'm dating someone…I'm sorry." Tohma sighed and shook his head, missing Ryu's tremor, but noticed him grabbing his hands, holding them tightly. "It won't be good for Nittle Grasper either. Our fan base is largely female."
Ryu walked away in silence.
"I turned you down…." Tohma brought his right hand to his forehead massaging the budding throb away. He swallowed, clearing his throat before straightening his posture; he stared firmly at Ryu. "But why Eiri….why now? Why confront him….in such a way…."
Ryu glared at Tohma, his cobalt eyes gleaming. He flinched from the pain pulsing from his fist as he pressed it against the floor.
"I'm not blind Tohma….you love him, love Eiri….more than your wife…more than anyone. I….I don't know what happened that day….only that Eiri was involved….I…." Ryu buried his face in his knees, his breathing ragged, shallow; his throat clenched. He bit down on his tongue, tasting blood. "I just wanted to know what happened that day….I just…." His sobs passed shudders through his body, holding his words inside; he closed his eyes and listened to his breath, heart, and the still silence building around.
Tohma placed his hand on Ryu's head, his frustration and confusion dead with the words in his throat. He blinked back tears as his fingers threaded through his friend's hair.
"Just rest Ryu." He whispered, nodding to the doctor at the door after Ryu closed his eyes and lied down. He watched as the doctor gave Ryu a sedative--something Tohma refused to allow at first, but now….Ryu just needed to rest.
God, what else must those I love suffer?
"Gomen-nasai." Tohma whispered outside the room, leaning against the shut door.
A/N: End chapter.