I am Aware now

Of how everything's gonna' be fine

One day

Too late—I'm in hell

I am prepared now

Seems everything's gonna' be fine

For me, For me

For Myself

I am prepared now

And I am fine

Again

-Seether

Goku

"It's been more than two weeks since I saw the guys." I say to Sanzo, as we take our morning walk in the garden.

"Hn. Count your blessings."

"D'ya' think they're dead?" I ask quietly.

"No. We would have heard about it if they were." Sanzo looks totally stoic as he answers, lighting his after-breakfast cigarette and tucking his hands back into his sleeves. It's a little warmer today than it's been in a while, but it's still a chilly, November morning.

"Like no news is good news?"

"No news is no news. I have no idea if that means it's good or not. Besides, I'm not sure never hearing from them again would be bad news."

I know better than to believe him, 'cause I've seen him staring out the windows every now and then, with that worried, little frown he has some times when something bothers him, and he's been muttering under his breath and clicking his tongue a lot. I'm definitely worried, even if he isn't, but I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to tell myself there's nothing I could have done, and that it was their job to take care of themselves and each other, but none of it makes me feel better, and I'm starting to regret that I walked out on them that day. What if they had really needed me after that, and I just left?

Ever since then, I've been trying to keep busy with other stuff. I've been teaching every day instead of every other day, and I finally went to find Dai. We took a long walk together and talked some stuff over, and she told me it was okay, what happened at the café. She said it all made her re-think things, and that she was cool with taking it slow, because she liked just being friends. She said we could be boyfriend and girlfriend later, if I wanted. It was a relief that stuff was cool between us, but even that didn't keep me from worrying about the guys.

I'd gone to their house a couple days after the last time I saw them, but they weren't home; I'd waited a little while before deciding to go home. If they were alive, they needed time to sort out their issues, and then they'd come back. If they were dead…I would have to deal with the knowledge that I could have saved them, as well as have to go finish what they started.

Two weeks is such a long time, I can't help but fear the worst; it's not like they'd

leave town without saying goodbye to me.

"I'm still not lucky enough for them to finally die." Sanzo reminds me.

"Mm, yeah.…"

"You did everything you could do, Goku."

"I'm not so sure, Sanzo. I left 'em so they could fix things, but I could have at least gone to make sure they'd be okay. I guess I don't know what I should have done."

He repeats, "That's because you did everything you could, and it doesn't help to beat yourself up. Frankly, I'd be shocked if either of them is dead, especially when they have this irritating way of not getting back to me when I send them to do something. The more I think about it, the surer I am they're doing this on purpose."

I gave up a small smile, "Yeah, that kinda' sounds like them."

To that, he just snorted.

They do tend to take their time after a task is done, but it could also be that the job was complicated and there's a delay—like maybe they got put back in jail, or they had to go tracking some of the stolen things down—stuff like that happens. Now that I think of it, there are a lot of different things that could have happened to them and dying seems like the least likely.

Still, I know it's not impossible….

Suddenly, Sanzo sighs, "Fine. If they don't show up today, we'll go find them tomorrow, happy?"

I smile at him, "M'kay."

"In the meantime, quit your damn worrying; it's getting on my nerves."

"Can't help it." I reach up to pull a bright, orange leaf from a tree branch and turn it over in my fingers. "'Sides, you want your stolen stuff back, yeah?"

Sanzo scowls, and I follow his gaze to where one of the monks has come through the gate. We both stop, and the monk bows.

"Sanzo-sama, you have some guests. Shall I bring them here?"

I whip around to look at Sanzo, "Guests? D'ya' think…?"

"It's not very like them to ask for permission to come in." Sanzo sniffs. "It's probably someone else. Fine. Bring them here."

The monk bows again, turns to go out.

"Ya' really don't think it's them?"

"How should I know?"

We wait quietly.

It's not long before I hear Gojyo's voice hissing through the garden, "…I'm just saying he can't be that mad. We got half the job done, didn't we?"

"Did we?" Hakkai responds easily, "I wasn't aware we got anything done."

"Don't tell me you don't remember ransacking the brothel and killing off the bulk of the gang. Whasamatter, were you killing people in your sleep again?"

I hear Hakkai laughing, "Come now. That only happened once."
"Once is enough to make you the creepiest motherfucker I've ever met. Anyway, point is, Loki's dead, and that's half the job."

"Perhaps not the important half though."

They come around the corner, side by side. Hakkai has his arm in a sling, with Jeep riding on his shoulder, and Gojyo's got one hand in his pocket, and his other arm is draped around Hakkai's neck. He's in the middle of saying, "It's still better than nothing. The building was on fire, I didn't have time to think about-"

Hakkai notices us first and interrupts with a quiet, "There they are."

Gojyo shuts up right away, muttering, "What're we gonna' tell him?"

"I'm not exactly sure. It's too much to hope that he might have forgotten, isn't it?"

I wave at them, laughing, as they come closer. It seems like they're more in sync than they've been since before Hakkai moved away, and their expressions are normal, Hakkai smiling, Gojyo looking unbothered.

"Hey-ya, guys!" I call, trot forward to meet them, "Man, we were startin' ta think ya' died!"

"What?" Gojyo squawks. His hair is still short and spiked with some gel, but he looks and smells more normal now, with just a hint of nervousness to him. He doesn't have a cigarette, but he's chewing gum, and I notice him playing with his lighter, snapping it open then closed again over and over. "Why would you think that?"

"Maybe 'cause ya' walked off ta' fight a gang boss an' then never came back." I look them over a little closer. There are bandages on both of them, but Hakkai's arm seems like the biggest deal between of them. "What happened to ya'?"

"Oh this?" Hakkai smiles. "Just the typical hazards of the job, I'm afraid. More importantly, Goku, how have you been?"

"Good. I-"

Sanzo cuts in, stepping up next to me, "What are you hoping I forgot about?" He asks gruffly.

Hakkai and Gojyo look at each other, and a lot of different stuff passes between them in the blink of an eye. Hakkai raises his eyebrows, then Gojyo shakes his head, just a little, he gets out a cigarette and fumbles to light it, with a nervous, almost apologetic smile at Hakkai, who frowns. Gojyo shrugs and looks at Sanzo again, "Er…yeah. So…. What was the question?"

Sanzo's eyes narrow, "Where are my relics? I assume you came up here to bring them back to me, otherwise it would have been smarter to stay home."

Gojyo scuffs at the ground and rubs the back of his neck, "Those. Right. Look, man, they're gone."

"They're what?"

"Gone. Forever. Burned to a crisp."

"That had better be your warped idea of a joke, Gojyo."

"Naw…I'm not shitting you." He hesitates for a second to take a drag off his cigarette and cough, "Sorry, just…stuff got sorta' out of hand. We tried though."

Nervously, I glance at Sanzo, and he looks outraged and furious, "I should have known you'd fuck this up. I can't believe I ever ask you to do anything!"

"Hey, man, I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"

"I want my stolen artifacts back!"

"Yeah, but Hakkai got shot, then the building caught fire. Excuse me if I got a little distracted from the main objective, but we almost freaking died!"

"I wish you had!" Sanzo snaps.

"Now, now." Hakkai steps in. "Honestly, Sanzo, we did everything in our power to retrieve them, but I'm afraid I underestimated Loki, as well as his insanity. There's really nothing we could have done."

"Right. Nothin' we could do." Gojyo echoes, and I know they're covering each other, the way they used to, before stuff got weird.

Hakkai bows, "However, Gojyo is prepared to repay you in full for the items that were taken, just as soon as he can."

Gojyo shoots him a look, "He is?"

"Naturally. It's the only responsible thing to do, wouldn't you agree?"

It looks like Goj isn't totally on board with that, but he turns back to Sanzo, slowly, shrugging, "Uh, yeah. I'll send you a check…I guess."

Sanzo still looks pissed, but he growls, "Just forget it. Those relics were priceless. You wouldn't be able to pay for them if you lived three lifetimes." He shakes his head, disbelievingly, and adds, "And if you did pay for them, I wouldn't get to have the satisfaction of hating you for the rest of your life. So just forget it."

I'm startled he's being so chill, but after everything that happened, I wonder if maybe Sanzo gets it.

Gojyo looks like he's not sure if that's supposed to be a joke or not, so he doesn't answer, but Hakkai starts up again, "Well, that's terribly gracious, Sanzo. Thank-you very much."

"It's not gracious." Sanzo grumbles. "It's my only option.

Everyone is quiet for a moment, and then Hakkai starts again, suddenly, "Well, at any rate, it would be wonderful if we could stay and chat, but unfortunately, we must be leaving."

"Leavin'?" I cock my head at him, "Leavin' where?"

"Back to Hong Kong." Hakkai smiles.

I turn to Gojyo. "You goin' too?"

"Yeah." He snorts, "I guess so." Then he scowls at Hakkai, coughs, "I shoulda' known I'd wind up following you eventually."

Hakkai just smiles at him really bright, "Oh, well I'm glad you were so sure—I was beginning to think we'd be apart forever."

After he says that, Goj lightens up slightly, smiles back at him, uncertainly, then he hangs his arm off Hakkai's shoulder, "Naw. That'd be stupid."

"That's good though, right?" I ask, even though I don't really need to. After watching Gojyo bum around, not happy with anything, for the last six or seven months, I can't imagine he'll be any worse off if he goes to Hong Kong with Hakkai. "Maybe it'll be better there."

The kappa argues half-heartedly, "Doubt it. I'm not staying anyway. I'm just going to see what it's like, then I'm coming back."

"Yeah? Well, it took me five days to walk there. Who knows how long it'll take your lazy butt."

Gojyo blinks at me, "You walked to Hong Kong? When?"

"'Couple weeks ago."

"I didn't know you did that."

"How'd ya' think I got there?"

"I dunno'. I didn't think about it."

I roll my eyes, "You're sucha' doofus."

"Hey, excuse me for not keeping track of every damn stroll you take, monkey."

"Yeah, well ya' should be keepin' track of the strolls I take when I'm takin' 'em just for you, ya' ungrateful butt-goblin."

"Gime' a break. I was really busy that week."

"More like really loaded." Sanzo sniffs.

Gojyo turns on him, "You weren't even there!"

"I didn't need to be." Sanzo's answers stoically. "Everybody knows you're loaded way more often than you're busy—you've always been that way."

"Somebody's gotta' have fun for you freakin' stiffs."

"I'm notta' stiff!" I yell.

"Oh, yeah right. All Sanzo's uptightness and Hakkai's good manners wore off on ya'." He grins devilishly, "You didn't learn a damn thing from me."

Sanzo mutters, "Thank God."

Hakkai's laughing in the middle of it all, "After all, idle hands are the devil's workshop, aren't they? I think you've proven that, Gojyo."

Gojyo scowls at each of us, one after another, but he looks a thousand times more relaxed and normal than he has in months. "You all suck."

I shove him, playfully, "Not as much as you suck."

"What?"

"Ya' probably even like suckin'."

Gojyo gives me a disgusted look, "You little sicko."

Hakkai laughs again, "Oh, well it looks as if some of your perversion did rub off on Goku. In any case, you two, we really do have to be on our way. It's a long journey and I'm afraid I'll be doing all the driving by myself."

I raise an eyebrow at Gojyo, "Why, what's wrong with ya'?"

"Nothin'. Hakkai's just being paranoid."

"Oh, is that what they call it these days when you'd rather your sick friend not pass out and drive you into a ditch?" Hakkai looks at him with interest. "I hadn't realized."

"What're you sick with? Don't give it ta' me, kappa."

"I'm not contagious anymore, you little creep."

"Probably. Now then, Gojyo, we must be going—if we leave now I might even be able to get a good night's sleep before class tomorrow."

Gojyo looks kinda' reluctant, and I suddenly feel sad, "You guys're gonna' come back an' see us sometimes, right?"

Hakkai gives me his warm, reassuring smile, "Of course. Winter break is just around the corner."

"When's that? December?"

"I believe so. I'll make sure to bring you a gift."

That gets me to grin back at him, "'Kay!" I wrap him in a bear hug and lift him up from the ground. "An' knit Sanzo another sweater!"

"Ahaha, well, perhaps if I have time." He pats me lightly on the back.

Letting him go, I turn to Gojyo, who's hanging back, trying to look like this isn't a big deal. "Yeah. So. See ya' around, monk-"

He squawks as I jerk him into a hug too, "Don't do nothin' dumb without me."

It takes him a sec before he hugs me back, and I hear him mutter, "Thanks, Goku."

"Hey," I mutter back, "I got your back."

Goj hangs onto me a second longer than I expect, then slams me on the back and steps away, grinning his old, familiar, cocky grin, "Take care of your girl." He jerks his head at Sanzo, who's saying a mild-mannered good bye to Hakkai, "And that dick too."

He smirks at Sanzo, "Later, Sanzo-sama."

"I can't believe I'm finally going to be rid of you."

"Yeah, huh?"

The two of them exchange a long, significant look, then Gojyo punches Sanzo, very lightly, in the shoulder, "Just admit it, man—you're gonna' miss me."

Sanzo arcs his eyebrows, "Get your shit together before I see you again."

"Heh. Yeah, yeah, I got no choice." He winks at me.

Hakkai bows again, "Take care, both of you."

Gojyo gives a short wave, "Later."

Then they turn and follow each other back the way they came.

I watch them go, and I don't feel sad anymore. Yeah, they're goin' pretty far away, but they won't be gone forever, and it's part of life: people come into your life, and people leave your life; some people don't matter, an' you'll never miss them, and some people matter a whole lot, an' maybe you'll miss them all the time, but the people you really want ta' have in your life are the ones that matter, and they're never really gone all the way. Not if ya' know they'll come when you call.

I smile at Sanzo, remembering that he came when I called for him, and ever since then, I've learned that he's always going to.

"What are you smiling about, Monkey?" He demands quietly, still watching Hakkai and Gojyo disappear into the garden, and there's somethin' almost sorry in his expression.

"I was just thinkin'…about life an' how it changes, but how some stuff doesn't change, ever."

"Hn."

"Hakkai's prob'ly gonna' get married an' have kids some day, yeah?"

"He seems the type."

I laugh, "His kids'll probably call the kappa 'Uncle Gojyo.'"

"May the Buddha take pity on their souls."

"It's cool though, kinda', right? I'm really excited ta' see what life's gonna' be like in another five years."

Suddenly Sanzo smiles that slow, quiet, almost gentle smile I see sometimes when I know he's content, "Don't get too ahead of yourself; there are a lot of meals between now and five years."

"Hey, that reminds me, I'm hungry. Issit too early for lunch?"

The smile fades away, "Hn, considering we just finished breakfast."

"Then maybe we better have a snack ta' tide us over." Together, we turn to walk back to the temple. Sanzo's shaking his head at me.

"Or maybe we better celebrate. Stuff turned out pretty good, in the end."

"I think your definition of 'pretty good' is a little warped, Goku. I didn't get my relics back."

"Yeah, but what were ya' sayin' ta' me the other mornin'? Something about how getting the stuff back wasn't worth it."

He glares, mildly, at me. "I don't remember saying that."

"Ya' did though."

"Hmph. I don't know what I was thinking."

I stretch my arms up toward the sun and grin, "Yeah. But I do."

Sanzo grumbles, "Next time that idiot does something this asinine, I really will put him out of his misery."

"Sanzo." I laugh. "There ain't gonna' be a next time."

Epilogue

Gojyo

I look at the building, curiously. It's a small place, arranged on the edge of town, surrounded by grass and trees. It makes me think of the school house in my home town, but I never set foot in that place, so I don't know what to expect as I move toward the door.

Inside, it's got low ceilings and dim, narrow halls, but it's spotless—everything is neat and tidy and organized. The walls are a boring, flat brown, but everywhere I look there are bright, encouraging posters and colorful decorations and pictures of animals, and rules are listed everywhere: don't run, be polite, indoor voices, hands to yourself, be respectful, cover your mouth when you sneeze, wash your hands….

It goes on.

Some boys go racing past me, shrieking, with a little girl tagging along after them.

At the front desk, a secretary snaps, "No running."

They all slow down and get quiet right away, sneak away whispering.

The secretary watches after them, then sniffs and looks back down at her papers.

I give a low whistle, "So this is what I missed."

Then I step up to the front desk. The secretary is young and gorgeous, with glasses and a tight bun in her dark hair, but she looks way too uptight. I'd like to loosen her up.

"Can I help you?" She asks coldly.

I grin, "Hey. I'm looking for Hakkai."

"She gives me a suspicious look. "Who?"

"Um, Hakkai?"

She checks some list in front of her, "Is that a student?"

"No, no. Hakkai." I wonder suddenly if I came to the wrong school on accident. There are a couple in town, but I was pretty sure Hakkai said he works at this one. He's only been on for a couple weeks, so it's not like he told me that a long time ago. It has to be this school. "Tall guy with glasses and green eyes. Super polite. You gotta' know who I'm talking about—he's always smiling." When I describle Hakkai, I add that, because usually everyone knows who the smiling kid is.

She still looks like she hasn't got a clue, and now she's tapping her pen on the desk, slowly, like I'm annoying her.

"C'mon, lady. He's a teacher."

Finally, it looks like she gets it, "Oh, Mr. Cho."

"Yes… Mr.…Cho." I can only stare at her. "Does he actually go by that?"

"I'm sorry. Mr. Cho is extremely busy."

"That's okay, I just wanna' talk to him."

"You don't understand—he can't be bothered."

"I ain't gonna' bother him; I just wanna' talk to him."

She shakes her head, "You're not listening."

"You telling me I can't go talk to my own buddy? I'm his room mate, dammit."

She arcs one well-shaped eyebrow at me.

"It's not like I'm gonna' run off with a kid. Look, just tell me where he is, or I'll go find him."

"Sir." She speaks up, sharply, like I'm some little boy running down the hall screaming, "This is a school. I can't let you go wandering through the halls."

"I'm not gonna'! I just need to talk to Hak-to Mr. Cho." I've never met such an uptight chick in my life; I try to think of something that will get her to change her mind, "It's an emergency!"

"What sort of emergency?" Hakkai's voice asks behind me.

I spin around, "About time! Where were you?"

He's walking up to me, all dressed fancy with a button-up shirt and a tie and dress shoes, smiling brightly, with books under his arm, and—I can hardly believe it—an apple in one hand. He's like the model teacher. It's almost creepy. "Ah, I thought I heard you screaming out here. What are you harassing Miss Yi for?"

I give Miss Yi a quick glare, but she's already busy back at her paperwork.

"Damn, dude, is it hard to get in here or what. You'd think you were a CEO or something."

"Hm, or that you're a delinquent."

Miss Yi laughs quietly.

"You'll have to excuse him, Miss Yi. He's not really a trouble maker, he just looks like one."

"I'm the trouble maker? She wouldn't let me in—I was telling the truth and everything."

She looks up at me again and bats her eyes-I really like it when girls do that-I notice they're almost cinnamon colored, and it's hard to stay mad at a pair of eyes like that. "Excuse me, Gojyo-san. I'm used to the local college boys coming in here and causing trouble."

"Wait a minute…you knew who I was the whole time?"

Miss Yi writes something on a calendar, "Of course. He only talks about you all the time."

"Oh, not all the time." Hakkai takes me by the arm, "Naturally, I told Miss Yi it was possible you'd wander in here some day, and I was sure to give her a detailed description of your physical appearance."

He's pulling me away now, down the hall he came out of, but I keep staring at Miss Yi, who's pretending not to look at me, but I notice her watching out of the corner of her eye, and I pick up on the tiny, little smile on her lips.

I smile too.

"Of course." He adds quietly, "I didn't go out of my way to tell her what a monster you are when it comes to beautiful women, though I wouldn't be surprised if she comes to find that out on her own."

I shrug like I couldn't care less one way or another. "Who knows?" It's been forever since I got laid, but he was right about one thing—this place is just crawling with beautiful, young, college-aged chicks, single and wild and ready to roll.

He leads the way into a tiny, little room that seems even more organized and neat than everywhere else, and it's got just as many posters and shit, only all his are practical and sensible, go figure. The chairs and tables are about as tall as my knees.

"Holy shit, dude! What's with the miniature furniture?"

"I teach very young children." He goes over and sets the apple on his desk, which is pristine and perfectly arranged, with absolutely everything in its place.

I spend a couple more minutes checking the room over. "You should have a poster that says 'act your age' or 'grow up' or something like that."

"You're the only person I can really get away with saying that to. Not that you ever listen.… Perhaps a poster at home would help remind you."

"Ha ha."

I sit down on a table and look around. I've never been in a classroom before, and I'm a little uncomfortable, even though I don't know why. It's not like some cranky old lady is gong to come out and hit my hands with a ruler or anything nuts like that. "Why little kids?"

He's shuffling through some papers, standing by the desk, mumbling to himself, "Perhaps this weekend I'll rearrange the desks. This is a bit boring."

"Did you hear me?"

"Hm? Oh, yes. Because I like them, and I work better with them than with wayward young adults or teenagers." He sets the paperwork aside, "It was good of you to come see me at work, finally. I never expected to see you sitting in a classroom.

"Yeah. Me neither." I move to sit up on his desk instead, lighting a cigarette.

He frowns at me suddenly.

"What? It's like my fifth smoke today. That's improvement."

Hakkai keeps frowning.

"It's hard, okay, Hakkai?"

"I'm sure."

"Doctor said I don't have cancer or anything like that, remember?"

"Still, that doesn't mean you might not develop it if you don't stop smoking."

"I'm trying, all right?"

"I know, and I appreciate that, but in any case, there's no smoking in here. It's a classroom."

With a sigh, I look for somewhere to put it out.

He offers a can he must have had with his lunch, or whatever.

"Empty can? You sure?"

"All things considered, yes. It seems to be the only compromise at the moment."

Grinning, I take the can and put the cigarette out, drop it in and listen to it hiss at the bottom.

In a moment, he asks, "How do you like it here so far? It's only been a few months, and I'm sure you're not completely adjusted yet."

"It's not too bad. Good gambling scene. You know, all these college kids have no clue what to do at a card table."

That gets him to smile.

"What?"

"Nothing. You seem more like yourself these days."

"Who else would I be like?" I sniff, pretending to be offended.

"Now, now, I only meant it's good to hear you talk about the gambling scene and act a little more in character."

I roll my eyes, go to sling my arm around his neck. "Bet you never thought you'd say that to me."

He laughs, "I can't say I was expecting it, no. In any case, I hope you came here today to inform me that you've found a job."

I give him a long, blank look and try to think of something to say, "Um… I applied at a couple places this morning." I applied at one place, anyway. Or started to at least. I'm not about to tell him I didn't finish filling out the one application I picked up.

"I'm teasing you, Gojyo."

"Oh." I try to hide how relieved I am, but he can probably see that.

He slams me on the back, and steps out from under my arm, "Naturally, I don't really expect you to find a job within the first year of living here. I barely expect you to hunt for one, though I'd like it if you did."

"Right." I sit in his chair.

"I know that's a big step for you, so you have to do it in your own time, on your own terms." He smiles over his shoulder at me. "Someday. In the mean time, please keep acting like yourself."

I take the bright, red apple off his desk and grin at him, "Hard not to."

That's the end!

Thank you for reading—I really enjoyed sharing this with you, and I appreciate that no one was overly critical.

If anyone's interested, I made a playlist using the songs from which the lyrics at the beginning of each chapter came from. Except for the last two. Eight songs were required. Anyway, you can find said playlist on my tumblr account, where I am known as zaney-hacknslash. isn't letting me post the hyperlink-I'm sorry. =/

It's easy to find since I don't have a lot of posts there….

Until next time!

-Zaney