The words dissipated as the simulation completed its loading sequence. After that there was only pitch blackness.
Great, thought Player Name. Don't tell me the simulation's crashed.
It soon became clear however, that the darkness was merely part of the program. He became aware of a thin shaft of light slashing through the blackness, it was not bright and yet he was forced to scrunch his eyes as they adjusted. He tried to followed the course of the light and was just able to decipher out the outline of a narrow window, which appeared to be barred. The bars were quite rusty, and the window appeared to be cut into a rough stone brick wall.
In fact the whole room was of stone; grim grey brick walls glowing a dim red from the weak flames of the ensconced torches, not dissimilar to the inside of a medieval castle. He looked around and realised that one side of the small room was not of stone , rather there was a row of iron bars, rusted brown and straddled by cobwebs.
"You've got to be shitting me," said Player Name out loud. "I'm in a prison cell?"
"Indeed you are," said a high, nasal voice. "And by your blue jumpsuit, I'm guessing you must be a vault dweller, right?"
The speaker was in a cell adjacent to Player Name, and a bizarre sight he was too. A short, sickly-looking creature, his skin was ashen grey and his long matted hair, which was silvery-white, failed to hide his elf-like pointed ears. His slanted eyes blazed red as he stared through the bars of his cell with prideful malevolence.
"I might well be," said Player Name, "and who, or what, are you?"
"That is not important," snapped the prisoner. "But tell me, how do you like it here, being underground in this deep, dark dungeon?"
"I don't," said Player Name. "It's dank, dirty, and there's a strong smell of urine. Put it this way, it wouldn't be my first choice for throwing a party."
"Really?" said the prisoner in mock surprise. "I would have thought you'd enjoy this sort of thing, living deep underground, never enjoying the pleasure of a warm, sunny day, the smell of fresh spring flowers, or even the sight of a rainbow."
"Well, it's really not that bad."
"What, you mean you actually enjoy living in a vault, seeing the same people every day, eating the same food day in, day out, being constantly told how to live your life by the Overseer? Do you always do what other people tell you to do?"
"Ah, I get it now. You're an asshole."
"It's surely no way to live, I imagine you just exist from day-to-day. And isn't it ironic that after you finally manage to escape from your dark hole, you end up here, back underground, in this dark, damp, lonely pit. So sad."
"Shut up."
"And to make matters worse, there's no chance of escaping from here. Because you're going to die down here, vault -dweller. You're going to die!"
Player Name decided to let his new friend harp on and took a moment to survey the interior of his prison cell. There wasn't much in the way of creature comforts, only a table and chair, and a filthy bedroll spread on the cold stone floor. This simulation wasn't going to be much fun, that seemed for certain.
There came the sound of footsteps, as though descending an unseen flight of stairs. It sounded like more than one person, possibly at least three, and it sounded like they were getting closer.
"Hey, you hear that, vault-dweller? The guards are coming for you," said the prisoner, and cackled evilly.
The noise-makers came into view, stopping outside Player Name's cell. There were three in total, two were big, tough-looking men dressed in armour reminiscent of Japanese samurai, while the third was an elderly man, looking splendid in fur-lined purple robes that cried out "I am the king."
In fact, the old man was an emperor, none other than Muriel Septic, Emperor of the Universe, and his two accomplices were Delboy and Brontosaurus, members of the Blades, the emperor's elite bodyguard unit. They were big, bad, and most of all seemed very unhappy to see Player Name.
"What the hell is this prisoner doing here?" barked Delboy. "This cell is supposed to be off-limits."
"Ooh, you're so masterful," said the emperor.
"Thank you, your majesty. You! Prisoner!"
"I do have a name, you know," said Player Name.
"And I don't give a damn. So get yourself up against the back wall and don't move until we say so unless you want to wear my sword across your neck."
Player Name obliged, much to the delight of the elf-like prisoner.
"There he goes again, doing anything anyone tells him to do," he said.
"Shut up you," said Brontosaurus.
Delboy clumsily jangled a set of keys until he found the right one, unlocked the cell door and entered. He briefly looked around, before scowling hard at Player Name with fiery eyes.
"The coast is clear, your majesty," he said, and so the emperor and Brontosaurus also entered. The aged monarch stopped in his tracks as his eyes met Player Name's, and his face seemed to light up like a Christmas tree.
"It's you," he said suddenly. "I've seen you."
"Come again?" said Player Name.
"Let me see your face," said the emperor, grabbing Player Name's cheeks and looking him up and down quite thoroughly.
"You are the one from my dreams," said the emperor in hushed tones. "Then my stars were right. This is the day. I've finally found you, love of my life."
"Huh?" said Player Name.
"Destiny has brought you here, so that we may be together forever," continued the emperor His pale hands slid down Player Name's face and down his body until they were clasping tightly around his hips. The would-be love interest nervously tried to push away from the amorous emperor as subtly as possible, but he could not escape the imperial embrace.
"Now wait a minute," said Player Name. "Who the hell are you?"
"I am your emperor, Muriel Septic. By the grace of the gods I serve the universe as her ruler. You are a citizen of the universe, and you will serve me in your own special way."
"Muriel?" said Player Name "say, you didn't know a guy named Azrukhal by any chance, did you?"
"No," said the emperor, "but I'm going to enjoy getting to know you."
"I think there's been a misunderstanding," said Player Name. "A big, horrible misunderstanding."
"How dare you question the emperor's judgement," said Delboy, and cuffed him hard around the back of the head.
"No, you really don't understand."said Player Name, rubbing the back of his head. "I didn't enter this simulation looking for a relationship. I came here to find my father."
"Well you've found him," said the emperor, "now come to daddy."
The emperor began to gyrate his hips as his hands snaked their way further down Player Name's body and clamped firmly around his buttocks. Player Name was by now very, very alarmed.
"Please stop," he said, as calmly as he could.
"How dare you give orders to the emperor," said Delboy, and gave Player Name another vicious cuff around the head.
"Ow! You don't understand, I...err...I don't swing that way."
"How dare you not swing that way," said Delboy, and was about to strike Player Name again before Brontosaurus stopped him.
"Sir," he said, "we need to keep moving."
"Yes," said the emperor, composing himself, "Brontosaurus is right. We must press onward."
Delboy gave a low growl. "As you wish, your majesty." With one final glower in Player Name's direction, he walked over to the wall of the cell and pushed an unevenly-shaped brick. There was a distant, mechanical scraping and a section of the wall suddenly slid aside, revealing a secret passage.
"Wow!" said Player Name. "That's awesome!"
"Shut up," said Delboy. "Let's go your majesty. I assume the prisoner is to remain here?"
"No, absolutely not," said the emperor, and turned to Player Name with a suggestive grin across his wizened features.
"Come with us," he said. "Your destiny is tied up with mine."
"Can't I stay here?" said Player Name weakly and was answered by a sword at his throat.
"Get going!" snarled Delboy.