Suicidal!Edward

Bella: Alice.

Alice: I know. I can't see what the guard will decide.

Bella's inner monologue: Well that's convenient. You can see what three omnipotent vampires are going to decide, but a guard? No way.

Alice: You might have to go in alone. You have to run. Just keep asking for Palazzo dei Priori and, for fuck's sake, don't get lost.

Bella: Palazzo dei Priori. Palazzo dei Priori. Heh, say that five times fast.

Alice: You have to get Edward's attention before he can move into the sun. Heaven forbid he unleash the Glitter of Doom.

Guard: I'm sorry, only tour buses allowed in the city today. Heeellllooo, sexy mammasita. I'd like to put some spaghetti sauce all over that ass.

Alice: It's a private tour. Wow, that sounds wrong and slightly illegal in 49 out of the 50 states…

Bella's inner monologue: *as Alice reaches out hand* NOOOOOO! Alice, you're going to vomit sparkle everywhere!

Alice: ?

Bella's inner monologue: Oh. Glove.

Guard: *taking money from Alice* Is this a joke? I mean, I'm flattered, but isn't the money supposed to be exchanged the other way?

Alice: Only if you think it's funny. I'm in a wee bit of a hurry. And apparently when I'm in a hurry I obtain an Irish accent. Weird.

Guard: *stashes money and starts to unzip pants as Alice starts to drive off* ? Why do I feel so… used? I need a hug.

Bella: *starts to hug Guard*

Alice: *pulling Bella back and driving away* They're everywhere?

Bella: No, no, silly Alice. Those people are just dressed up like vampires.

Alice: Ughh. I think my shippiness is cured. I don't know how Edward deals with this on a day to day basis. Okay, you have two minutes. Go, Bella, go!

Orchestra: *strikes up "Flight of the Bumblebee"*

Bella's inner monologue: I pushed against them furiously, fighting hands that shoved back. A child grinned down at me, his lips distended over a set of plastic vampire fangs.

browniechadowes: *ducks into the bathroom as she loses the small amount of hope still residing in her stomach*

Bella's inner monologue: Gahhhh, fountain. Can't go over it… can't go under it… can't go around it… Gotta go through it. *proceeds to icy water run/lumber then starts screaming at the top of her lungs*

Bella: EEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDWWWWWWWWAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDD!

Bella's inner monologue: Why the hell am I describing all of the people in the crowd? Is it really necessary? I mean, my lover love is about to glitter himself to death and I'm worried about describing all the little kids. Am I a necrophiliac AND a pedophile?

Stephenie: No, Bella. And the answer to your first question is page numbers, Bella, page numbers.

Bella's inner monologue: Riiiight. Well, I'm gonna skip that nonsense.

Bella: Edward, NOOOOOOOOOO! *looking at Edward* Really? I mean, Rea-lly? He's a fucking VAMPIRE. Isn't he supposed to have super hearing or some shit like that? Oh, right, vampire power only works if it fits in as a plot device.

Suicidal!Edward: *closed eyes, palms forward, shirt off –*

Fangirls: *drooooool*

Suicidal!Edward's inner monologue: Hum dee hum, off to kill myself, must block out any sounds, especially anything pertaining to the screaming of my one and only love trying to save me from a Glittery Death of Doom. Hmmm, think Romeo, Juliet, Romeo in those cute little tights… ARGH, glitter is getting to my head.

Bella: NO! Edward, look at me! God damn stupid vampire. I think some of my stupidness has rubbed off onto him. I can not let this happen for two distinct reasons. 1.) I am the only, and I mean THE ONLY, martyr in this story, thank you very much and 2.) If people see his sparkly ass all over the place, it will only confirm certain fanfic shippers' suspicions that he is batting for the other team.

browniechadowes: For fuck's sake, Bella, stop him before we get any creepy Edward/Charlie fics going.

Bella's inner monologue: *sumo pound!* It knocked my breath out of me and snapped my head back. Owww.

Suicidal!Edward: Amazing. Carlisle was right. I could have had a V8.

browniechadowes: *pokes self in eye for stupid joke*

Bella: Edward, you've got to get back into the shadows.

Bella's inner monologue: I knew we were in mortal danger, but I felt well. Whole. I was perfect. *reaches into chest and tapes heart back together, throwing out Jacob's moldy band aid* Wait, I'm not even going to be pissed off at Edward for leaving me? Mmmmmkay. *takes out Bella's an irrevocable chagrin masochistic fucktard o' love list* Well, that seems to be in order.

Suicidal!Edward: I can't believe how quick it was. They're very good. *clears throat for melodramatics* "Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty". You smell exactly the same, so maybe this is hell.

Bella: Jesus Christ, it was only one fucking burrito. I'm not dead, and neither are you.

Suicidal!Edward: What was that? Shhhh, Bella, shhhh. Am basking in glory of suicidal victory.

Bella: We're not dead, not yet! Durrr, we have to have crazy, slightly S&M vamp-human sex before I kick the bucket.

Edward: *to two dark shapes* Greetings, gentlemen. I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. Send my thanks to your masters. *attempts to give Felix a $20*

Felix: Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue? Let us seek better cover. Why do I sound like Yoda?… seek better dialogue, we must.

Edward: Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?

Bella: *looks at people playing with red ribbon and pretending to bite each other* Meh, I'll choose curtain number two.

Felix: Bring the girl.

Edward: The girl goes free. *tries to Jedi mind trick Felix*

Felix: *rolls eyes* Edward, are you still trying to pull that crap? Nope. We have rules to obey.

Edward: I'm afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation.

Aro: *pops up* You could have at least RSVPed. Rude, sexy little ice pop of underaged ass.

Alice: From my future visions, I hope it's not the only invitation of Aro's that he doesn't accept. *shivers at thought of pool of Jell-o*

Jane: Enough.

Everyone: GAAAHHH! It's…

Orchestra: Bum bum buuuuuuuuuum…

Everyone: Jane!

Jane: Follow me. *reads description of character* Sweet, so I'm basically the vampire version of Jessica? *rubs hands together* this will be fun.

Edward: Alice. I shouldn't be surprised to see you here. What happened? Can I just say, for the record, that as a psychic you really, really suck.

Alice: Long story. *looks at manuscript* Awww, Stephenie, you decided to condense yourself! This is definitely a step in the right direction.

Stephenie: *mutters* stupid editors. That was supposed to be three pages long.

Alice: Bella jumped off a cliff, but wasn't trying to kill herself. Ahhh, short and sweet.

Edward: Hm. *reading Alice's thoughts* Good thing I prank called Bella when I did, otherwise I have sneaking suspicion that we would be in Bella/Jacob smutty shippingdom right now.

In the Volturi Castle of All Things Vamptastic:

Bella's inner monologue: He put his arm around me, holding me close to his side. *trip, stumble, trip* Edward pet my lips a little bit, rubbed his face into my hair, and… was he licking me? Oh, chaste forehead kiss. Gahhh *teeth chatter* I'm cold.

Edward: *rubs Bella furiously, trying to create friction, giving her painful!rug burn*

Bella: Ow.