WARPED

Chapter 21

Lucy returned to the Shack for the second time that day, this time soaking wet. As she had made her way back through the woods, the rain had intensified, as if the floodgates of heaven had opened. Lucy wondered, only half jokingly, if Stan had an ark ready down in that lair of his.

Lucy walked into the empty kitchen. It was obvious that lunch had been made: a pot with cold mac and cheese was sitting on the stove, and a half empty gallon of milk was sitting on the counter. Lucy could hear the TV on in the living room, along with the sounds of laughter, and the clink of silver wear on plastic and glass bowls.

Lucy could hardly contain her hurt and anger. They had forgotten about her!

Lucy could also hear music wafting from somewhere upstairs in the Shack. Curious, she made for the stairs, and began to climb, following her ears.

Lucy climbed the stairs and made her way through winding hallways before coming across a room from which the music seemed to be coming. Lucy peered into the room, making sure to keep the floor from creaking.

The room was cluttered with boxes of every size and shape, and smack dab in the middle of the room was Jocelyn, standing in front of a music stand, playing a viola.

Lucy was in awe. She had never heard Jocelyn play before. She had heard people in the orchestra talking about Jocelyn's talent, but their gossip hadn't done Jocelyn justice.

A sudden pause in the music snapped Lucy out of her trance.

"Better shift on a one there…" Jocelyn muttered, pulling a pencil out from behind her ear and scribbling something on her sheet music. "Yeah, that'll work." Jocelyn then secured the viola under her chin and continued playing.

Lucy was struck with a sudden wave of loneliness. As she made her way back downstairs towards merriment she would not be taking part in, Lucy realized just how out of place she was here in Gravity Falls. Hazelle was having a great time with Dipper and Stan, Jocelyn had met her idol, and even found a place for her passion. Lucy was miserable. She didn't know what to do.

I told you you were a fifth wheel, Pen, came the voice in Lucy's head again.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?!" Lucy shouted at the nearest wall. She wanted to cry and scream and tear her hair out.

Just then, Bill Cipher slowly materialized on the wall Lucy had just shouted at. "Oh but Pen," he giggled, "we shook on it. I'm never leaving you alone."

XxX

The next thing Lucy knew, she was sitting in the back seat of El Diablo between Hazelle and the door.

"Why can't I drive?" Jocelyn was whining on the other side of Dipper, who was next to Hazelle. "I have my permit!"

"Look kid," Stan replied, glancing at Jocelyn in the rearview. "I don't have the money to repair my car when you wreck it."

"Yeah," Hazelle chimed in. "Plus you can only drive with one other person in the car besides an adult who has had their license for at least three years." Hazelle, who was preparing to take her permit test, had practically memorized the driver's handbook.

"But I'm a good driver!" Jocelyn protested. "And who'll know?"

"Jocelyn, you don't know your left from your right!"

"That doesn't matter."

"You're not driving," Stan answered, a finality in his tone.

"Ugh, fine. But can I drive the golf cart?"

While Hazelle groaned and Jocelyn continued to whine, Lucy's mind went in circles. Where were they going? And why couldn't she remember how she had gotten here? The clock on the dash read 4:17. Lucy had returned to the Shack at about 1:30. That meant that there was a three-hour window that she couldn't remember. What had happened?

"Where are we going?" Lucy asked Hazelle in a daze.

Hazelle made a face, the sun reflecting off her glasses. "Um, the grocery store…remember?"

Lucy opened her mouth to say of course she did, but her throat was clogged with sawdust.

Stan pulled into the parking lot of a rag-tag white building that was slightly slanting entitled "Gravity Falls General Grocers." People were moving in and out, pushing rusty shopping carts full of plastic bags, and avoiding getting run over by Stan's complete disregard for pedestrian laws.

Everyone piled out after he parked, and Lucy saw Old Man McGucket near the cluster of shopping carts off to the side, raving to some kids about a "shopping cart war" that had occurred in another dimension in 1895.

Jocelyn beamed, but Hazelle grabbed her shoulder before she could run to learn of the tale.

"Okay, kids, here are the grocery shopping rules," Stan announced as they entered the store. A cool gust slapped Lucy in the face and she shivered at how much colder the inside was. "Rule number one: the better the bargain, the happier my wallet. Keep your eyes peeled for sales. Rule number two: if you even think that it could have mold on it, don't touch it. Rule number three: stay away from a guy named Kevin who works here. He's not hard to miss, he's got liver spots the size of Kentucky."

"Why?" Dipper asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Kevin and I…don't get along. Let's just say he holds a grudge," Stan grumbled. "And rule number four: nothing that's not on the list. Don't bother asking for any crummy colorful sugar cereal or anything like that. The answer will be no, and the answer will be yelled."

"And if we have our own money?" Jocelyn challenged.

Stan shrugged. "Knock yourselves out."

"Crummy colorful sugar cereal aisle, here we come!" Jocelyn declared, running into the store with Mabel giggling at her tail.

Hazelle and Dipper started to edge away from the group, but Stan heaved his hands on their shoulders to stop them. "Oh no you don't, freeloaders. I'm gonna need hands, and lots of 'em, to get out of here within the hour. Moses knows the Shack's already on fire at this point, with Soos and Wendy in charge. You're sticking with me."

Grocery shopping with Grunkle Stan actually wasn't that bad, in Lucy's opinion. He was loud, and obnoxious, and a stickler for the bargains, and he actually sent them out on their own at one point so that he could play some egg game with a guy named Jimmy. Lucy knew he wasn't a bad guy—just a terrible person to shop with.

At last, they had one item left on the list.

"All we need now are your chocolate dinosaur cookies," Dipper said, reading off of the list.

Stan nodded, like attaining the cookies was the most important part of the process. "Okay, they should be right over—oh, for the love of—"

Lucy followed Stan's glare to the cookie aisle, and saw a round man wearing a straw hat and a Hawaiian shirt checking out the snacks. He turned, revealing his profile, and Lucy blinked.

"Bud Gleeful?" she said.

"I'm not gettin' anywhere near that garden pardoner," Stan growled, folding his arms across his chest.

"But you just want the cookies," Hazelle said, looking exasperated. "Just ignore him. Maybe he won't even recognize you."

"He's the father of my arch nemesis," Stan argued. "He'll smell me before he sees me." He glanced pointedly at Lucy. "You. Go get them."

"What!h Me?" Lucy demanded.

"He doesn't know what you guys look like!" Stan went on, gesturing to Hazelle. "He doesn't know we're…affiliated. Just go grab the jumbo pack and we'll be golden."

"They. Are. Cookies," Lucy enunciated.

"And I. Am. Your ride," Stan countered.

Lucy rolled her eyes and started off toward the cookie aisle.

"Jumbo pack!" Stan reminded her.

"I got it, I got it…" Lucy nonchalantly stood next to Bud Gleeful, who towered over her, and scrutinized the sweets. She winced when she realized the jumbo pack was on the very top shelf—way beyond her reach.

"Oooooh, tough luck, Pen," said Bill Cipher, popping out from behind a stack of Sm'oreos. "Now ya gotta ask the big lug to help you out!"

"What are you—can you please just leave me alone?" she hissed at him, swiping out her phone to make it look like she was taking a call instead of talking to thin air. "I'm busy doing semi-normal things."

"Doing the dirty work for an old man who refuses to even buy you anything?" Bill asked, filing his invisible nails. "Sounds like some pretty dumb semi-normal stuff. He didn't even offer you lunch."

Lucy frowned and glanced back at Stan: he was laughing about something with Hazelle and Dipper, and her blood boiled. Had Stan chose her to do the dirty work to get her to leave? What if they were laughing about her right now? Making fun of the fact that Stan had finally gotten rid of her for a bit?

"Noooooow you're gettin' it," Bill said, the glee sharp on his face. "Ta-da, Pen: this is what's really going on. You think you're a part of this little group they got made up? Yet Stanford Pines never thinks of you. Music Note doesn't even talk to you. And Caduceus? She pities you like she would a three-legged puppy."

Lucy's hands were shaking. Furious, she lashed out and tried to punch Bill, but her hand went through empty air, and he was gone.

"Uhhh…miss?" Bud Gleeful asked, tentative. "Do you, uh, need any help gettin' that down?"

Lucy blinked. Her hand was up, reaching toward the jumbo pack, unable to reach. Had Bill even been there at all? What was going on with her brain?

"Um, yeah," she said, wiping sweat off her forehead—where had the sweat come from? "Sorry, yeah, that'd be great if you could—"

Kaboom! An explosion went somewhere in the back part of the store. The ground trembled and the ceiling splintered like broken glass. Bud handed the jumbo pack off to her and took off into a sprint. "Earthquake!" he shouted. "RUN, ERRYBODY!"

Lucy ran back to Stan, Dipper, and Hazelle, who looked about as freaked out as she felt. She chucked the jumbo pack into the cart and yelled, "What's going on?"

"I dunno, but we gotta get out of here!" Stan cried.

"Wait! Where are Mabel and Jocelyn?" Dipper yelled.

Stan's face became grave and determined. "Hop in, kids. We're gonna find the other two knuckleheads."

Dipper climbed into the cart and Hazelle and Lucy hung off of the opposing sides. Stan broke into a run, charging through the store, yelling for Mabel and Jocelyn down every aisle.

Finally, they found them near the dairy. Mabel and Jocelyn were holding onto the shelves, an enormous portal swirling over their heads.

"Guys!" Hazelle ushered them over.

Mabel and Jocelyn, holding onto each other, scuttled away from the portal, the wind whipping at their hair and clothes. They reached the cart, grabbing hold, and Stan pulled the group farther away from the portal. With Jocelyn's attention directed elsewhere, the portal shifted shut, leaving behind a whole in the ceiling and tons of spilled containers of milk, yogurt, butter, and eggs.

"What…happened?" Hazelle wheezed, letting go of the cart in a dizzy stumble.

Jocelyn bit her lip, embarrassed. "I…uh…I couldn't…"

"Couldn't what?" Lucy demanded.

Jocelyn scratched the back of her head. "I, uh, couldn't find the Cool Whip?"

There were a couple beats of silence.

"The Cool Whip," repeated Stan, stoic.

"I'm sorry!" Jocelyn cried. "I—Mabel and I just couldn't find it and I love it so much and I wanted to make sundaes for everyone tonight and I need Cool Whip but they don't freaking have it out and I don't know where it is—"

"Jocelyn," Hazelle said in an awestruck breath. "You opened a portal and almost destroyed a grocery store because you couldn't find the Cool Whip?"

"If it makes you guys feel any better," Mabel said, "she was getting really mad, and it was really funny."

"This is Gravity Falls, you idiot!" Lucy yelled, pulling slightly at her hair. "It doesn't have Cool Whip! They don't even know what Xfinity is!"

"I know. I was looking for a replacement," Jocelyn retorted.

There was more silence as everyone realized the full insanity over what had happened. Then Hazelle burst into laughter.

"What?" Lucy demanded, fuming. "What could be funny at a time like this, Hazelle?"

"I just—I just thought of—" Hazelle grinned, gesturing around. "I was just thinking…since no one got hurt…I guess there's no reason to cry over spilled milk."

Groans pierced the air, Jocelyn physically walked away with her face in her hands. Mabel hopped over and gave Hazelle a highfive, laughing and saying, "Niiiiiice!"

Lucy sat down, messaging her temples.

I'm gonna fricking lose my mind because of this town.