Calum sets the plate of fruit next to me and he has arranged the pieces into a smiley face. I smile half-heartedly and I don't look up at him.
"Do you want something to drink?" he asks.
"Just ummm just water is fine." I say. He grabs a water bottle from the fridge and sets it beside me as he takes a seat across the table. I eat my fruit and I can see my hands shaking. Uggh why were they shaking so much it was just a dream, it wasn't real, stop shaking. I try to force my hands to stop but they won't and I become frustrated with myself and I see a tear hit the table.
"Daniella?" Calum says softly.
"I'm fine Calum...it's just...why did you tell Ashton about what you told me? About being away?" I ask trying to take away focus from my hands.
"I had to tell him Dani. He needs to know that he can't assume this isn't affecting you or that this won't change your relationship." Calum says softly. He was right, what was with him, Luke was right when he said Calum always found a way to calm people down.
"Thank you Cal...for just being a good friend." I say smiling as I get up from the table and walk to the back room to talk to Ashton. I had to say something to him. I couldn't stay in silence for much longer.
"Sometimes all you need is a friend." Calum whispers and I smile as I keep walking towards the back room. I open the door and I see Ashton laying face up on the couch with nothing on but his sweatpants and his earphones in. How the hell was I supposed to have a monotone discussion with him when he was shirtless. He knows his torso does things to me.
"Ash?" I say. But he can't hear me through the headphones. I walk over and sit on the couch at the end of where his feet are laying. He sees me and his facial expression doesn't change, he only sets the phone down takes out the earbuds and sits up to look at me. We are both silent for a while, which was odd because he always had something to say whether it be something meaningless or just saying I love you. I examine the cut on his face and the black eye. I look down to his hands and I see the scabs and the redness and the sores and I cringe at the man I saw at the club. That wasn't the Ashton I knew this person sitting in front of me was a stranger. But I tried to imagine the Ashton I knew he was. His smile, his mannerisms, the way he was always there for me and the way he made me feel like nothing bad could ever happen as long as I was with him.
"Asht-"
"The next stop we make you can go back home." Ashton says cutting me off. His words hit me in the gut, why would he say that? How could he ever think I wanted to leave?
"Ashton I'm not going anywhere." I say, I start to motion my hand to place it on his leg but I stop myself.
"But you should. Dammit. I don't want you too but you can't be around someone like me. I'm a mess. I'm no good for you Dani. And after what I did and how I've acted, you deserve someone better." Ashton says holding back tears. I feel my hands shake again.
"No. I know who you really are Ash. You may not be acting like the man I fell in love with months ago. But I know this isn't you. The Ashton I fell in love with wouldn't give up on anything or anyone. And I know things between us seem distant now Ash and I'm not ready to forgive you but I know we'll make it back. I'm staying here." I say as I get up from the couch and exit the back room. My heart was pounding but at least it was something.
"Dan." I hear Ashton say from behind me. I turn around and see his face with tears in his eyes.
"I'm gonna get you back. I'm gonna fix this. I can't lose my happiness. I won't lose my everything." He says as he walks past me into the kitchen. I take a deep breath and I turn to look at Luke who is staring at me. He stares at me for a while until he turns back to his phone. It was going to be a long rest of the tour.
The next couple of days were more of the same. I kept having these weird daydreams and I could never understand why. It's not like I didn't sleep enough, in fact, it was quite the opposite. When the guys were in interviews or shows I just slept. Being awake was too much for me, being awake meant having to talk to Ashton and I don't think I can handle that at the moment. Calum wanted to get me to the doctor because he said the amount I was sleeping wasn't healthy but I refused to go. The guys constantly got asked about their wounds but they managed to work their way around the questions. However, I knew some people weren't taking the fables. The twitter-verse was blowing up with #ashtonandlukefight and #ashtonbeatlukesass and vice versa. Ashton and Luke's wounds are barely visible by now. It's been a week and all that remained were a couple of white lines on their hands and faces, the bruises had faded days ago. We are in New Orleans today and the guys had another day off. To be honest, I have been pretty excited because I heard of this great place called the Preservation Hall, where they played live music to you with some of the best jazz players and singers of all time. It was really hard to get tickets and I am dying to spend the one night I have, there.
It was almost midnight and the bus just stopped at the hotel we were going to stay at. This is the first hotel since the one in Vegas. I blush at the memory of that night but then cringe at the memory of the next. How could memories not even two days apart give me such different feelings? I got off my bunk and took my headphones out. I see 4 excited boys in front of me, waiting with their bags to get off the bus. Well, 3. Luke was slowly cheering up with the help of Michael and Calum but Ashton was still trying to get me back and 'fix this'. He was looking at me with sad eyes, holding out his hand so I could grab it. There were fans out there and as much as I didn't want to hold his hand, I didn't want to get mobbed either, so I just took his hand without a word. I could see him smiling a little from the corner of my eye and I couldn't help but enjoy the warmth that was flowing from his hand, through mine and through my body. The door opens and I jump at the loud screams, he laughs a little next to me and says,
"Don't worry, I got you." Before giving my hand a squeeze and pulling me into the crowd. I grab onto his arm and close my eyes as he pulls me through. Once we get into the hotel I open my eyes and smile a little at him.
"Thanks." I say before letting go of his hand.
"Always." he replies smiling half-heartedly at me as he notices my discomfort.
"Ok, so how are we splitting up the rooms?" Michael asks, bringing everyone's attention to me.
"I don't mind, whatever's fine." I reply, not really wanting to answer the question. The truth was, I wanted nothing more than to cuddle in bed with Ashton but I didn't know if he felt the same. Yes, I was still a little mad at him and maybe a little scared as well but I missed him. I missed his touch and his kiss and just everything, like, a lot.
"Well, that doesn't really help us. You can have your own room if you want." Calum says sweetly.
"No, I don't want to sleep alone. I can just share with Ash." Everyone stares at me with wide eyes, clearly shocked at my answer. I hadn't spoken more than 10 words to Ashton in days and the fact that I now wanted to share a bed with him was pretty surprising, I don't blame them. "Is that ok?" I ask Ashton as he stares at me.
"Um, yeah, s-sure. Of course. definitely." He stutters, obviously confused.
"Ok... then I guess we'll share a room again" Calum says to Michael and Luke as he heads to the receptionist. We get our key-cards and head to the elevator. Behind me, I can hear Michael whisper
"Women. I'll never understand them." I end up alone with Ashton since the guys had trouble with their keys. Let's just say it was a pretty quiet ride up. Once we reach our room Ashton opens the door and lets me in first.
"Welcome to our room." He says awkwardly, gesturing to the room. I lie down on the bed and sigh, closing my eyes. It's quiet for a moment before Ashton breaks the silence.
"Why did you want to share a room with me?" I open my eyes and prop myself up on my elbows. "I mean, you haven't spoken to me in days." he asks confused.
"I guess I just missed you. Besides, I didn't want to sleep alone." I say simply.
"Ok..." he says and sets his bag down on the floor and sits down on the other side of the bed and takes off his shoes. We both get ready for bed. I'm in the bathroom in just my underwear and a big shirt I got from Ashton and open the door to the bedroom after I finish brushing my teeth. I find a shirtless Ashton lying in bed with just his underwear and I can't help but blush. He looks me up and down and seems to get distracted as well.
"If you're uncomfortable I can put on some pants or something." He says politely as he sees my red cheeks.
"No, it's fine. It's not like we're strangers or something." I say and get into bed next to him. As I'm flattening out the sheets around me, I hear him whisper,
"It sure does feel like it." I stop and look at him.
"What?" He looks me straight in the eye.
"It feels like we're strangers." he says. I give him a look but then realize that he's right. We have barely talked and when we do, we talk to each other in such a polite manner, I'd think even a stranger would find me too polite.
"I know." I say as I look down. We're both sitting up in bed and he shifts his entire body so that he's facing me.
"I'm trying here. I've been giving you your space, I've been giving you time to think, Hell! I even gave you the chance to leave!"
"But I'm still here." I whisper, almost guiltily.
"I've apologize a million times and I don't know what else to do! I can't sleep because I don't know how to make you happy again." I look at him after he says that. He's been having trouble sleeping? "All I want is for you to be happy and if that's breaking up with me then I'll do it. You need someone better than me." He pauses. "You deserve better. I'm a mess! Look, I'm still working on myself but I don't want to drag you into something that is clearly my problem." He takes a breath and looks at me.
"You make me happy." Is all I say. He contemplates what I just said and looks back at me. "I don't want to break up with you. Your problems are my problems and I don't want you to be upset anymore than you want me to be upset." He runs his hand through his hair and takes a deep breath.
"You know I would never hurt you, right?" He asks, looking back at me.
"Yes-"
"Because I can understand if you don't-" His eyes widen. "Wait, you said yes?"
"Yes. I know you would never hurt me." I look at him and glance to his lips. I wanted to kiss him so badly. It was nearly impossible to stop myself from grabbing him by his neck and pulling him towards me as I had imagined in so many of my daydreams.
"I forgive you." I say, surprising myself.
"What?" he says shocked.
"At least I think I do. I'm still not sure we're back to where we were before but I know I've had enough of this stupid fight. I'm sick of being mad at you. I want to fix this too." He wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly. I snuggle my head into the crook of his neck and breath in his scent. I had missed him so much and just being this close to him made me feel those little butterflies in my stomach again. I pull back and he looks at me smiling.
"I love you. And you don't have to say it back right now but I just want you to know that my feelings towards you haven't changed and won't change." I smile and can't hold myself back anymore. I put my hand around his neck and pull him in for a kiss. Once our lips meet, everything seems ok again. I can still feel the light roughness on his hands but it's ok. They are just remains of what happened weeks ago, I need to focus on now. His hands rest on my lower back and he lowers me to the bed so that he's on top of me. I needed this. He needed this.