Excuses? Yep, I have them - but the main thing is that I'm here with a new chapter, right? I'm currently traveling over the country, the holiday kicking in full-time.

If I owned skins, I wouldn't write this story here ;)

Chapter 21: My bed's so empty

Naomi PoV

"Naomi!"

"What?" I replied from under the heap of my duvet. I had figured that trying to sleep away days made them pass by faster.

"Me and Kieran is taking the boat out for the day, maybe drive to one of the neighbor islands to visit a couple of cafés and more. I was just wondering if you wanted to join us?" I heard her ask softly.

"No, I'd rather die in my own shit." I replied harshly. But honestly, seeing mum and Kieran all loved up was the last thing I needed right now. It wouldn't exactly make things easier.

"Naomi, love, I know that it's hard, but-"

"No mum, it's not hard! You don't know how I feel, so just fuck off!" I raised my head up from where it was resting under my pillow to glare at her. Mum just replied with a slight shake of her head.

"At least go out and do something today, the weather is so lovely. And I don't mean sulking around on the dock to get some tanning or those late night jogging trips you've been doing. Go see Cook or Effy or someone. Please."

I rolled my eyes at her, burrowing my head in the comfort of my bed again. Only it wasn't as comforting as it once was. "Whatever." I said noncommittally.

"Well, I'm going. See you tonight." She said finally and departured from my room. I sighed, wrapping the duvet closer around myself, clicking open my phone again to continue with what I was doing. Stalking Emily and Katie's Facebook to see if they had updated something from France. Anything at all.

"When was the last time you aired out this room?" Once again I shut off my phone to direct the intruder. Effy was standing in the doorway with Tiger in her arms. Even the sight of my cat wasn't cheering me up. I simply scoffed at Effy.

"Mum, sent you didn't she? Oh wait, you're probably here to give me a go too." I turned around to lean against the wall, to fully look at her, crossing my own arms in full defense mode.

"And why would I do that?" she raised a single eyebrow at me.

"What, Emily hasn't told you?" I scrunched up my face in disbelief. Weren't these two supposed to be best friends?

"I haven't talked to Emily since this weekend. Her phone is off." There was a slight pause where I averted my eyes and bit my bottom lip.

"I might've something to do with that." I sighed. I fiddled with the edge of a pillow, feeling the familiar turmoil in my stomach stir up again. Like it had every night since she left.

"In the text she sent me saturday she said everything was okay. What changed?" Effy asked.

"I don't know." I shrugged my shoulders, still not meeting her eyes. I didn't want to talk about it really. But hell, maybe I should.

"Bullshit." Effy called. "Come on, I'll buy you an ice cream and then you're telling me everything."

"So…" Effy said as a way of hinting that I should spill already.

We were sitting on the stone benches outside the store near where I first talked to Effy, licking up the baking hot sunrays. After I slung on a skirt and a cute blouse we stampered over. Effy had taken the freedom to choose ice cream, and luckily she didn't pick one of those licorice things. We'd sat for a while with Effy just looking at me. After a while Thomas came by with a small motorboat, mooring it beside the benches so he could converse with us. He soon discovered the high tension and then just leant back in his boat, looking over the sea instead of focusing on us. I wished he'd just go away. If I was going to pour out my heart, I didn't want him to hear. But he was a good guy, so I doubted he'd go informing the whole island if so.

"So." I said evenly, not even glancing at Effy.

"You owe me." Effy held up her ice cream in a way of explaining.

"Fine, fucking fine." I huffed, dragging my hand through my tousled hair.

"Get to it then." She said. She sounded disinterested, but knowing Effy, she was anything but. I sighed, seeing no way out of this now.

"So me and Emily kind of made up." I glanced over at Effy, but she just shrugged, already knowing this. "And it was really fucking lovely until sunday when I told her that I thought we shouldn't speak when she was away."

"And why would you do that?" Effy raised an eyebrow at me. With her bloody psychic powers she probably already knew the answer, but no, she would have me spell it for her.

"Because it would fucking suck, alright?" I exclaimed, knocking my hands out to the sides. Effy just raised her brow even further, a smirk starting to ghost her lips. "Because having her halfway after such a weekend wouldn't be enough. It's too soon to be dealing with this. I didn't want her to go, but she had to! And how am I to know how I'm supposed to act over the phone!" Effy's smirk was full on showing by now.

"And you told her this right?"

"Well, no…" I flicked my gaze down to the remains of my ice cream, which was starting to melt and dripping down to the ground. I also noticed that Thomas had shifted to look up at me, but in my peripheral vision I couldn't read his expression.

"Oh my god, Naomi." I snapped my head to Effy, watching her shake her head. "She wouldn't have gotten mad if you just told her that, you know."

"I thought it was kind of obvious that was the reason." I said confused.

"Not for her! Seriously, why didn't you tell her?" I took a big breath.

"What if she thinks I'm too clingy? Too demanding? It's too fucking soon to sling out declarations like that south and west. And it's not like she've said anything that means she's in this long term or like, permanently. I mean, we've had our moments, but for all I know she doesn't want the same as me. And this is when I finally have figured out what I want."

"If you haven't noticed, she's crazy about you." Effy said calmly after my little rant. I looked at her with big surprised eyes.

"Yeah?" I said a tad too hopeful.

"Yes. She's not big with words and stuff, she shows her feelings through actions."

I thought about it for a moment, and realized it made sense. While I was confusing in my actions towards her, because of my messed up head, she'd always hinted that she wanted me. Except from when we were fighting because of me though.

Eventually Effy excused herself to go inside and talk about something with Pandora, and I sat back still pondering what she'd said. Maybe me and Emily was the polar opposites when it came to that. With me, you had to listen to what I was saying, because my actions often didn't correspondence to what I was really feeling, as a results of my fears. But Emily … Emily was brave. She showed what she wanted, and she wasn't afraid of it. And now, now it seemed like she wanted me of all people. A small smile crept into my face, but it soon disappeared when I remembered what happened the last time I spoke to Emily. And now her phone was off and I had no chance to reach her whatsoever. (I would sure as hell not contact Katie, because that would end in a blood bath.)

Suddenly I felt a presence beside me and turned to look into Thomas' friendly smile. I couldn't help myself as I smiled back. I didn't know him very well, but I had a perception about him that included polite, delightful and civilized.

"Emily is a very nice girl." he said, clearly having heard the whole conversation with Effy. I wasn't mad at him though, it was actually great to have something off my shoulders for a change. Maybe friends wasn't the worst concept.

"I know." I smiled gently, shifting my gaze to look over the islets on the other side of the strait, thinking about that beach which was situated out there somewhere. The island seemed a bit lesser when she wasn't here.

"She was very shy before." Thomas says from beside me, and I snap my head back at him. Shy? Emily? I had never interpreted her as shy ever. Fine, maybe she wasn't quite as straight forward in the beginning, but I never felt she held herself back from me because she was shy.

"Really?" I asked, not managing to hide the shock in my voice.

"I saw a change in her when you moved here. She became braver. First I wondered what it was, and the only different thing in her life was you. I figured it out then, that you make her better. Bolder." he trailed of, tilting his head to the sun, scrunching his eyes together at the strong light. "I think that maybe she makes you a bit better too." he finished. I smiled, like actually fucking smiled for the first time since she left. Did I do all that?

"I think she maybe does that too, Thomas."

He smiled, while leaning his hands on the table behind us.

"I came to this island four years ago, from Congo. My family is back there, still. I moved because I got a job on the industry where they also offered training to someone like me, with no education. Every month I send most of my paycheck back down to Africa, because my family is poor as hell. We're working on getting them up here, because it's tendencies at war in my home country. I don't go to college out here, I work at the industry all year 'round, but I've never been happier. My family gets fed, they're maybe moving up here before Christmas and this island is amazing. It got even more amazing when I fell in love Pandora." he smiled a bit to himself. I just sat quietly. Listening. "It was such an awakening, experiencing love. I would never trade it for anything, even though we lost it in the end. Sometimes I believe it's still there, I wish it was still there all the time. So I'm telling you Naomi, don't destroy this thing with Emily if you both make each other happy, because the other end of the stick isn't as lovely. But even though Pandora ended up cheating and I have to see Cook every day, I still consider myself the luckiest person alive. Just because I am alive. And my family is alive."

I nodded absentmindely at what he'd told, thinking about how rough his life have been in contrast to mine. Sure, it was hard losing my dad, but I never had to deal with poverty or war in my face. He had, and he was still here smiling and loving his life. Maybe my still present fears wasn't as important as I'd let them be up until now. Because when I listened to Thomas, I realized that those things didn't matter. Emily wanted me, and I wanted Emily. And I shouldn't look at that like something that could cause problems in the future. I should look at it like a blessing.

The rest of my life was actually pretty good (well, except that I had hurt Emily again), and I only wanted one thing. I had education, I had family, I had money and now I needed to make things right with Emily. And it really fucking sucked that there was no way of reaching out to her. Maybe I made the wrong decision all together. Because the only thing that made my heart constrict painfully right now was that I couldn't talk to her.

Effy came back after a little while, and Thomas invited us to a party he was having later that night. Before we parted, Effy informed me that she would be heading over later for a little pre-party.

"Wow, you have an impressive collection." Effy said as she dragged another one of my blouses out of my closet.

"Yeah, mum worked in a clothes store for a couple of months, so I figured I make use of my discount when it lasted." I said while I was putting on mascara in the bathroom.

"Emily always liked girls dressed in cute and nice clothes. She never was the one for those hardcore dykes with spiky hair and rolled up sleeves." I blushed at this statement. Discussing me and Emily freely with Effy was still something I had to get used to.

"Well…" I cleared my throat, putting on more mascara on the brush, "I guess I know what style I won't be sporting anytime soon then."

Suddenly I heard Effy from the doorway, and I turned to see her lean against it, eyeing me with a smirk.

"Only mascara? You're not even making an effort?"

"What?" I said defensively, "I don't feel like jumping in the make up purse, plus the clothes" I held up my shirt for her to inspect "are nice."

"Yes, they're… fine." she smirked even wider. "But I recall you making a greater effort the last time we got ready together."

"Well, maybe there was a reason then." I muttered, praying she didn't catch it. Of course she did.

"She's coming back, you know. And you can either have a great night while you wait for her, or you could still marinate in your own self pity. What will it be?"

"Okay, okay, I'll make some effort." I said, while digging around in my purse for some eyeshadow. Effy was right. Emily was gone for the moment, so I could either try to entertain myself with my other friends or just lay in bed pining for her as I had done up until now. And I was kind of fed up with that for the moment, as it didn't serve me any favors.

After fixing myself properly, actually looking like I was going to a rave, me and Effy started on the vodka straight up. It was nice hanging with her again. It'd been a while, since I'd been a prick to Emily and all, but now it seemed back to normal. Soon we were on our way to another part of the island where Thomas was living. It was a hot night, our small attires coming handy at keeping us cooled off. We passed the remains of the vodka bottle between us, taking swigs.

"I mean, it's so weird, me and Emily." I slurred, already feeling the alcohol a lot. But I was happily buzzing, luckily having a good time this far.

"Weird? How is it weird?" Effy squinted at me, her eyes already becoming unfocused, as she took a gulp of the vodka.

"I mean, she's a girl." I said with conviction.

"Please don't tell me this is taking a turn of the 'I'm not gay' direction."

"Well, no, I'm obviously more gay than I had payed up for. But that's the thing isn't it, I always thought I'd end up with a guy."

"Girls… Guys… In my eyes, gender don't matters."

"And I totally agree with you!" I exclaimed. "But it's so weird talking with you about Emily, because back in Bristol all the girls were always gushing over the boys and how lush they were and so on. I could never for the life of me understand it, but figured I'd meet a guy one day so I could understand the fuss."

"So you think it's weird because you're gossiping with your friends about a girl, and not a boy? That's it?" Effy snickered.

"Well yeah. I could never see myself goshing about anyone really. But now it's all I can seem to do. It's fucking weird, Effy!" Effy laughed at this.

"Nah, it's not that you're gossiping about a girl you think's weird, it's the gossiping in itself." She smirked.

"Yeah, well, weird either way. But why care anyway? It's not like we're on speaking terms at the moment." I sulked.

"It'll be alright." she gave me a gentle smile. I really hoped it would.

My mood increased after that little dup, Effy making sure of that. We were soon stumbling through Thomas' front door. It looked like an old summer house that he clearly was renting. But despite the old interior it was nice and clean, as an opposite to how it was at Cooks. Thomas, the gentleman that he was, had lined up welcome shots for everyone, which I gladly downed as I was good on my way to fucked. He had an impressive stereo, and it made sense since he loved music and was remixing some songs in his spare time. I discussed this with him for some time as he kept mixing some strong drinks to me. When Pandora showed up, me, her and Effy crashed the dance floor to some loud beat songs. I had a fucking great time, especially with Panda who was an expert on making you laugh with being silly and saying crazy stuff.

I almost danced the whole night, a bottle of something in my hand at all times. I also think there was some pills involved. Somewhere around four or five am, when I was so drunk that everything was spinning, Effy dragged me out of the house and declared that she and Freddie was leaving and I was to join them, so I didn't puke on someone or worse. Reluctantly I followed them, not really remembering much of the first half of the trip. But after a kilometer or so, I was slightly starting to sober up. And with a clear head without music and alcohol around me, came thoughts of Emily. And dear god how I wished it was her I was walking home with this second. All I longed for was to crawl into bed with her in my arms. Watching Freddie and Effy walking hand in hand in front of me wasn't exactly making me think of her less. I envied them.

We parted in my driveway. I got hugs from both of them and a strict order to not coop in my room all day tomorrow. I agreed, but I knew that it was exactly what was going to happen.

I managed to get to my room after knocking down some things in the hallway and hitting my toe in the edge of a door. I quickly stripped of all my clothes to a heap on the floor near my door, not even bothering with anything else before going to bed. I glanced to my left at a white t-shirt and some shorts on top of a chair. The ones Emily used this weekend. I swiftly reached over and grabbed the t-shirt with me as I went to bed. I had tried to avoid what I was about to do ever since I found out they smelled like her after I showered her smell away from my skin. I had tried to not be creepy and pathetic and needy, but I was drunk and I was lonely.

I curled myself into a ball under the duvet, feeling the familiar and freezing shaking after a night of heavy drinking sneaking up on me. I clutched the t-shirt in my hands, rubbing the soft material under my nose as I let the smell that was so undeniable Emily seep into my nose. It almost gave me the chills as I remembered back to how her skin felt under my fingers and the sounds she made. My bed had never felt this empty. I missed her immensely. I missed her so much that it hurt my insides. I needed to make it right with her, so I reached for my phone to call her and apologize once and for all. But then I remembered that my actions had made her turn off her phone, so she wouldn't pick up. I could leave a message, but I really didn't want to talk right now without having to. I opted for sending a text message, hoping she'd turn her phone on soon to see it.

I thought about what I would write. I didn't want to come off as alone and pathetic, despite that was exactly what I was. I wanted to tell her that even though she was gone, I could actually survive. I could have a good time, which was what I'd had tonight. But I also wanted to convey that of course, it would've been better with her here. So I quickly typed out a message and sent it without thinking too much of it.

I'm as happy as can be when you are gone.

I was not only drunk off of dangerous chemicals, I was also drunk on thoughts of her which the smell awakened. So when I reread the message with blurry eyes, concentrating extremely hard to see, I realized my mistake. It could be interpreted as something different than what I really meant. I had already been unclear with my feelings and thoughts about Emily, but I didn't want to do that anymore. I wanted to really tell her how I felt. Because being left behind sucked balls, even though I only had myself to thank. Therefore I managed to send another text right before I went into a restless slumber.

And I miss you like crazy.

.

Sometimes I want to squeal at how cute the two girls are. But things aren't quite fixed yet are they? Stay tuned for what happened on Emily's side.