Bernie shifted a little in her seat, tucking her legs underneath her. She became aware of just how tired she felt as she sat there and rubbed her eyes which were sore and puffy. She looked over at Serena who was sat leaning forward slightly. She wanted to ask her if she would hold her hand but didn't dare. She'd ruined this with the kiss, she couldn't ask that of Serena, push her any further than she already had. A sob rose up and escaped her throat and the other woman's face registered a look of something like alarm and concern and the brunette reached over and took Bernie's hand in hers, immediately relaxing the blonde.
"I know this is hard Bernie. I've got you".
Oh god this was torture. "I can't think" thought the muddle Major. So much of her wanted to run towards Serena instead of away from her but she couldn't, could she. She couldn't damage this incredible, beautiful woman she'd lost her heart to. "She will be so much better off with you" her mind interjected cruelly and another sob forced its way out. Serena began stroking the back of her hand immediately, which was soothing and painful in the same moment.
Serena took a breath and passed over envelope 2 with a slightly tremor in her hand, unusual for the normally unflappable surgeon. This was larger, A4 sized and flat, with no real weight to it, the number 2 in the royal blue ink that was her trademark. She didn't think this one was too big a risk, that Bernie would get this one but that it might tug on her heartstrings a little and she hoped the Major could take it. She had never seen her best friend look more broken and a sob rose in her own throat but unlike the other doctor she managed to choke it down before it escaped. She had another word with herself, The Plan still had some way to run, and she needed to keep control for both of them. Still running her thumb over the back of Bernie's hand, she almost snatched it away when she realised she was holding her, but then saw that it was giving her comfort. Poor, confused, traumatised Bernie, who clearly craved love and affection from Serena and who was completely terrified of it at the same time. She made a silent vow to herself, that if this worked, she would show the other woman every single day that she was loved and cared for. "I want to spend my life with her" Serena thought, and the enormity of that hit her in a wave and she closed her eyes briefly. "Let's not say that out loud right now!" she agreed herself.
Shakily Bernie reached out bravely and took envelope 2 from Serena. Making brief eye contact for encouragement she reluctantly took her hand out of the other woman's and once again to be able to open it, missing the warmth of the contact instantly. It was paper this time and she slid it out carefully so she didn't damage it. Turning it over she immediately gave a wide smile. It was a picture of Cameron and Jason side by side. Cameron was looking at Jason with a huge grin on his face and Jason had his eyes shut behind his glasses clearly laughing really hard. It was a picture full of warmth and light and life and Bernie looked fondly at the two young men who occupied a place in the very centre of her heart. They were a reason, she knew, to stay.
"Reason 2, our beautiful, crazy, funny boys." Serena said. "You've just started to rebuild your relationship with Cam and I think, if you persevere, he will reapply to med school". She knew that was a huge wish of Bernie's, that he would finish his programme and qualify. "If you run, you go back to the beginning again. Have to build that trust again. I don't know where you're thinking of going, but if you leave Holby, he won't be as easy to see."
Bernie nodded, sniffling, and ran her fingertip down the side of Cameron's face. Her precious boy, she'd seen the hurt in his eyes too many times when she'd left, especially as a little boy when she was going on tour. He'd tried to be so brace each time and yet when it came time to go, he'd cling to her and Marcus had had to physically remove him. As he'd got older he'd been less demonstrative but always giving her a fierce hug when she left, the remnants of that little lad still in there.
"And then Jason. Who in his own words "likes Dr Bernie very much"." Serena smiles fondly at the thought of her nephew and Bernie smiled shyly with her. "He has made you a part of his life, in ways you maybe don't know. He always asks about you every evening, if I go out and remind him he has my number, he always says he has yours as well. You connect about games and tanks and documentaries and army life in a way I can't, in a way I've never seen him let anyone in. If you go, he'll ask about you for months, when are you coming back, did he do something wrong, did I..." Serena had to stop then or she as going to lose it. Felt Bernie take the initiative surprisingly and slip her hand back into the brunette's, simply seeking to give the comfort she had received and it was so very welcome.
"Where did you get this photo? I've not seen it before."
"Facebook"
Bernie raised her eyebrows at this, Serena was known to hate social media with a passion, her old fashioned side preferring letters and calls.
"You've got Facebook?" she said incredulously and was rewarded with a peal of laughter.
"Oh come on now, you know I don't, despite Elinor's best efforts. Jason and I agreed that when he got Facebook I should have the password to check he was using it appropriately. I stole it from there. It was from their outing to the football a few weeks back. I love it."
" I do too" offered Bernie and ran her finger down the side of Jason's face in the photo, just as she had with Cam. "It's so easy to care about Jason and I'm so touched to hear what you've said."
Serena nodded, not trusting herself to speak at hearing the love in her friends voice for her complicated nephew. But then the shadow passed across Bernie's face and she could see that something had popped into her head, a doubt, a worry and that the fear had come back hard. She kept hold of the blondes hand, trying to transmit calm and peace in her touch. Waited for the intensity to drop a little and picked up envelope 3.