I used to give up on life
Paul's POV
Weeks went by and I really had the feeling my recovery improved, I hadn't had a nightmare in a month and I had visitors twice a week now instead of once a week. Amber, Ryan , Ian and Nina where there all the time. Julie, Kevin, Matt, Candice, Joseph and Daniel also visited me all once. I was glad to know I also had their support. Today in group therapy we had to reveal the quotes we made a few weeks ago, you know the once I wrote about cutting. No one knew I used to cut, I didn't talk about that in group therapy. Well the doctor and the counselor knew and I think my roommate has noticed it when I am changing in the room but he never mentioned something about it. I usually used to talk about my addiction and my depression at group therapy, so this would be a big step.
I read out my quotes as one of the last in the group but came to the conclusion I had some really dark quotes in there. I read them all but one. The people in the group where impressed about my statement, that told them a lot about me. "You really did all those things" the fan girl asked me with a weak voice, "you mean you really tried to commit suicide we knew that and you are in a depression but you also had an eating disorder and cut yourself". "Well yeah" I said, "I'm really not proud of those things but I think the only one that can understand me, is me or people who underwent the exact same thing". "Where did you cut" someone from the group asked me? "On my arms" I said. "Are there scars?" "Yes I have scars" I said. "Is that why you wearing a hoodie all the time to hide your scars?" "To be honest yes" I said. "Like I noted earlier I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand". "Can we see them, the scars I mean" a girl from the group asked. I looked to the counselor who gave me a face which said; your decision. So I decided to took my hoodie of and laid my bear arms which were full of scars including the one from the suicide attempt in front of them.
After some staring I said, "to be honest I have another quote I haven't told but I don't know if I can or want to read that here". "Why not" the counselor asked "because that is what did set me of to commit suicide and I don't want giving people the wrong intentions". "Ok then don't say it right now" the counselor said "but I want you to tell the quote to me in our afternoon session". I nodded "ok" I said "I will tell you then but it is not really pretty". "I know that Paul if it set you to do something terrible like trying to take your own life". "But I really want to hear it later". The counselor went on to another topic and said "I have an announcement to make". "Next week it is family week which means you will all have a therapy session with your direct family and with the people who stand close too you in your life". "There will also be a group session with everyone as participant".
When I came to the counselors office that afternoon I was full of questions, who were coming for me, did he mean my father would be there or other members of my family. Or Amber, Ian and Nina. I wanted to know who were coming for me and what was going down those days how long they would stay etc. I came in and the counselor nodded to the couch while he was still on the phone. I waited patiently till he was ready. "So Paul" he said, "that were some heavy quotes you put upon us". "I want to say to you that your are really progressing, you finally opened up to them about the self mutilation". "And you even showed them your scars". "Do you miss it" he suddenly asked, "do I miss what" I asked. "The cutting" he said in a serious tone. "Well I think about it every day but not really like I have to stop myself from doing it" I said. "Well last week I felt really down and I thought about it a lot but I didn't do it and I'm kind of proud about it". "That's good Paul" the counselor said.
"So then why didn't you do it, you could easily do it". "Well because I didn't want to let everyone down but most of all I didn't want to let myself down". "Really good" the doctor said "and that my friend is your progress in the last few weeks/months". "Not only do you not want to let your loved ones down but you also don't want to let yourself down". "Before all you did was for them I can see that you are now fighting for them but you are also fighting for yourself". "And that was what I missed in you at first". "That started to progress more and more in the last four/five weeks".
"So sir" I asked, "who are coming for me?" "My family is on the other side of the country". "The other people I am close with are Amber, Ian and Nina and they are always here". "So I am just curious". "Well I am not supposed to tell you this but the regular people are coming at some part but I can tell you your dad is coming and he might or might not bring other family members so you can get yourself prepared for that". "Thank you sir" I said "I am so happy my dad is coming it feels like ages ago that I've seen him". "That's good to hear that you like it" the counselor said "but you mentioned this morning that you had another quote one you really didn't want to say out loud because it could trigger other people".
"Well it's not that I myself am afraid off it but when I thought hard the reason why I tried to take my own life not once or twice but three times, it was because I was desperate, I didn't see any good in the world anymore". "I felt myself a failure". "I wanted to quit life before it could give up on me and quit me". "So the quote I wrote down is": "Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit". After I told the counselor my quote it was quiet for some time. "You really thought about this a lot Paul didn't you?" "Well I went back to those moments which was quite hard on me but I found out that every time I was acting on an impulse and couldn't see something positive where I could hold on too". "I felt like everything had given up on me". "But Paul" the counselor said, "this happened three times now, how are you going to prevent it from happening again?". "I am really curious about that". "Because I now know how I thought. I know it were wrong thoughts I know that I have people supporting me no matter what". "Without my family and friends supporting me the last few weeks I am sure I wasn't sitting in front of you here right now". "I know now that I can beat it and fight it and more important I have to talk to someone when I'm feeling extremely down or just down". "It helps". The counselor was probably satisfied with my answer because he said I could go back to the group and instructed me to think about what my father, Ian, Nina, Amber and Ryan meant for me during the last three/four months. I arrived at Atlanta airport with my daughters and we were picked up by Ian, Nina, Amber and Ryan. The girls all didn't see their nephew before so they were kind of hogging him. We drove to a restaurant to eat and while the girls all were cooing over Ryan Ian and I went outside to discuss what we thought was best for Paul when he came out of the rehab facility. We both agreed that we had to sell his apartment. He couldn't live their anymore but we wanted to ask Paul that first. We agreed he couldn't be living alone for the first few weeks. What I wanted to do to be honest was take him home with me to New York for a while where he was out of the pressure environment he had here. He wouldn't start shooting the show again till three to four months so there was time. I invited Ian, Nina, Amber and Ryan also to come stay with us in New York for a while when Paul got back.
I was so glad I was finally able to see my son again, it literally almost killed me to leave him a few weeks ago. Although I spoke to him every day before he went to the mental rehab institution it was still different then being there for him 24/7. But I also have other kids my teenage daughters also needed me at that moment. I was glad though Ian, Nina and Amber where there for Paul the whole time but now with the family therapy going on. I knew I had to come and gladly came, I took all three my daughters with me and they were really happy to see their brother again. Although I was really happy I was also nervous. I got updated every other day about how he was doing but I wanted to see that for myself. He needed to stay for about another six or eight weeks more at the institution and then he would be out of 24/7 treatment. We had to think about what was going to happen then, but we would have time to discuss that this week with everyone involved.
Ian's POV:
I agreed with Paul's father that we had to keep Paul out of the media as long as possible and that he really had to rest in the months he had before he had to shoot again. He couldn't stay alone and certainly not in his old apartment. I agreed we had to sell that a.s.a.p. but that, we could only do with Paul's permission. We had to make a schedule to let Paul stay with each of us. He could stay with Nina and I but he also had to be with Amber and with his family. I smiled when Paul's father and I came back into the restaurant where the girls were all cooing over little Ryan. Especially his little sisters who where hogging him and giving him his bottle.Paul's sisters POV:
We had gotten free from school for this week, my father told our teachers what was going on with our brother and they decided that it was ok for us to skip school for a week. We were so excited to meet our nephew for the first time. We saw a lot of pictures but we were all in love when we saw him for the first time. We were also excited to see Paul again but were really scared for how he was. Would he be happy or down. How would he look like. Would he be happy to see us too. What is it like to be in a mental rehab institution. What are the other people like etc. All those question where going on in our heads. We talked about this with our father and he said he was sure that Paul would be thrilled to see all of us. Maybe he would be a bit ashamed because he wants to be a role model for us and hasn't been a really good one lately. But no matter what he will always be our big brother and we will always be proud of him. And he still is a good role model. We will always look up to him and he showed us how not to act when you are sad. Because of what my brother went through we would never touch drugs. But he also showed us what courage and persistence is. We are very proud of him and will always support him. No matter what.