As the afternoon wore on, small talk contrasted the heavy topics previously discussed. Skwisgaar had their most recent map purchase spread over his knees. "Dis river comings up am de same one we crossed in Kennewick. On de ot'er side of dat bridge ams Oregon."

"Don'ts know about you, but is always a sense of accomplishments to reach a new state." As bonus, that put another political boundary between Toki and Ludwig's decomposing corpse. "I can'ts believe we mades it this far. Was a lots of places we coulds has turned back."

"I ams really startings to dread when we gots to go home," Skwisgaar agreed. "After Portland ams Vegas, and den where dids you want to goes after dat?"

"We hasn'ts been to Tampa, in a longs time."

"Dids you want to stops by de old apartment? See who ams trashings it currently?"

"Isn'ts it an international monuments, or something?"

"Oh. . .maybes. Ams where it all begans, all dat crap."

With the map back in the glove compartment, Toki entangled their fingers again. Skwisgaar's grip relaxed as an impromptu nap took hold where the I-82 met the I-84, turning them west. Cruise control and minimal traffic allowed near-constant attention focused on Skwisgaar. With a concrete admission toward what happened in Skwisgaar's youth, the pieces fell into place. Toki could never figure out, when he first shared a room with the older man, why someone fucked so much. Pickles chalked it up to addiction when asked; of course, none of them could've known about this. Did anyone know? After the failed attempt at opening up to his mother in wake of something so brutal, did Skwisgaar believe it could be stopped? Did he possess awareness of personal autonomy, or did this happen early enough in his life to stunt that from developing?

Whatever happened back then, Toki would make sure Skwisgaar stayed safe. No one could ever touch him again like that. Surely, now that the secret Skwisgaar tried to keep was revealed, what stopped them? Could the man stop hiding behind the guise of shit potentially hitting the fan with their bandmates? Were they all right to move forward? Did Skwisgaar finally trust him?

Excitement to have reached their second checkpoint for the trip struck Toki as the outskirts of Portland reeled them in. He couldn't be happier, in this moment. Despite that, he let Skwisgaar sleep. He came out of the next motel's office to find Skwisgaar stretching beside the car.

"Dis am it?" he yawned.

"Mhm." Toki leaned up to kiss him. "Let's get everything packeds in."

"Must be nears dinner time," Skwisgaar remarked. "I ams pretty hungry."

"We coulds order something in." Hand under Skwisgaar's tee shirt, Toki rubbed his stomach. "I was thinkings about taking you out, but maybes we do that tomorrow night, instead. I don'ts want to sit in the car anothers minute, and I's ready to haves you all to myself."

A tight smile preceded Skwisgaar chewing on his thumbnail when Toki closed the world out from their room. Not since before their stop in Kennewick had Skwisgaar removed his sunglasses. He jerked his head back when Toki attempted them.

"Hey." Toki rubbed the man's arms instead. "Is okay."

"I shouldn'ts has told you dat stuff."

"I know it scary, but is goings to be fine. All those feelings come back when you confronts it. Is normal to feel ashameds. I dids the same when you ask me about my scars."

"I woulds rat'er you didn'ts know about it."

"Does you nots want me to know, or does you mean you wish there wasn'ts anything to tell? That's what I hads to face when I starteds talking about home. I hads this feeling in my chest like a really means kitty scratched me all up." Toki took Skwisgaar's silence to mean he carefully listened. "You thinks when you leave home that it won'ts follow you, but is always in the background. I knows this, elskling. I beens right where you are, before."

"I still don'ts appreskate dat you pushed me to talks about it." Even with sunglasses separating them, Toki could tell Skwisgaar's eyes darted. "Please don'ts do dat again. If I tells you t'ing, I wants it to be my choice."

"Of course." Now that the ice broke, Skwisgaar didn't need to hide anymore. In Toki's experience, that meant so much. "I could see how much you neededs to air it out, though. This has been interferings with your life way too longs. Don't you feels better?"

"Kinds of, now dat de worst of it ams passed. Stills gots a stomach ache, oogh."

Toki led Skwisgaar over to the bed, where he sat down and positioned the other man to stand between his legs. Skwisgaar's shirt came untucked, then Toki nuzzled the soft skin directly below his ribcage. "Is all uphills from here, though. Even if you still sometimes hurt, you's at the beginning of something magnificent."

"Don'ts feel like it. Ams only raw."

"Everything's reopened. These aren't typicals wound, Skwis. You can'ts let this scabs up and heals like you would a scrape. The only ways to do is to keeps opening them, lets them bleed out, and helps your body makes new blood. Then it doesn'ts run so black anymore. Goes back to a regulars red."

"Couldn'ts get much blacker dan dis," Skwisgaar said quietly. "I don'ts know, Toki. Dis has beens going on so long dat I can'ts even imagine anyt'ing else. Sometimes I cans forget about it."

"It never really goes away like that, and you convince yourself everything's normal, but it so far from that. If you was over it, you wouldn'ts be so distant. You wouldn'ts be so scareds of other people, because you wouldn'ts expect them to hurts you."

"You won'ts tell anyone, right? I don'ts want to goes home and have de guys ask me t'ing or Charles tryings to adds detail to my file, or Twinkletits offerings me t'erapy. . ."

"Your secret's safe with Toki. If you wants anything like that, is all on you, now. It isn'ts a bad thing, you know. I goes to Twinkletits once a week to talks."

Skwisgaar nodded, having already been aware of that. "It make it real, though."

"What make it real is that you deals with it everyday, whethers you realize it or not. Wouldn'ts it be nice to lets it go, and to gets rid of the power it have over you? I stills not all good, I admits, but I's a lot furthers along than I was five years ago, when I first starteds going regularly to Twinkletits."

"I haves noticed dat," Skwisgaar conceded.

"Seriously. I mights not even be heres, if I didn't sucks up my pride." Toki kissed his stomach. "But I nots trying to convince you to does anything. I just wants you to know what's availables to you, if you choose. This isn't something you gots to goes alone on, now. It isn'ts taboo to talks about the bad thing what happens to us when we're kids, and while peoples used to think what happens to you didn't happens to guys at all, now they knows it just go unreporteds. Guys worry it turn them gay, but isn'ts true."

"Who I sleeps wit' just nevers mattered to me, and I didn'ts give it much thought past dat." Rolling his bottom lip through his teeth, Skwisgaar hesitantly removed his sunglasses. For having not shed a single tear—far as Toki noticed, anyway—his eyes were still bloodshot. "Dis am so weirds to me. Is surreal, dat we ams talking about it. I amn'ts shore how to handles dat."

"Lays down with me," Toki invited him. Horizontal, he encouraged Skwisgaar to tuck his head beneath his chin. Perhaps, when hidden away, he'd feel better. "I needs to know, as the person you currently sleepings with. . .is there anythings that I might do what reminds you of bad things?"

Skwisgaar's fingers tapped Toki's back in thought. "I don'ts t'ink so, no. I'ves fucked enough to nots feel anyt'ing when. . .you know, whatever I ams doing is similar to anyt'ing what happeneds. Is kinds of hard to tells right now, wit' it back at de front of my mind. Feels like I should maybes take a breather."

"I stands behind you, if you feels that way. I puts the ball in your court. You decides when we talk, you decides when we fools around."

"You aren'ts going to look ats me different when we does, right?"

"I sees how precious you are, but isn'ts like I see fingerprints, no."

"Ugh." Skwisgaar's breath washed over Toki's collarbone. "Dat ams what it like. Like everyt'ing from my face to my toes am markeds up wit' dem. I cans feel it all happening again, like worms brushing against me."

"I remembers when it would feel like my father's whip hits my back." Toki kissed the top of his head. "It stops, after a while. Everything's fresh, right now. Eventually you'll does what I do. The scars are there and they pulls a bit, but you adapts to how you need to moves with them. You don'ts think about where they came from, anymore. They just there. Nothings more."

"What if is too late?" Skwisgaar asked. "I ams going to be thirty-six dis summer. Dis starteds happening when I was onlies four. I hardlies have any memories from a times in my life when I wasn'ts. . .dis."

"Is cliche to say, but betters late than never. Woulds you really wants to waste your entires life stucks on this?"

Skwisgaar shook his head. "Dat onlies lasted untils I was almost eight, but it was so much, Toki. I looks back at anyt'ing good dat happen during dat time and I can'ts even see light. Evens t'ing like my mom takings me to de beach, it seem like it happen at night time. It don'ts help dat it endeds in a really unsbarrassing way."

"Likes how, elskling?"

"I hads. . .problems." Skwisgaar hesitated. "Ams easier to say since we and de ot'er guys do its all de time when drunk or whatevers, but. . .you knows. Usings your shorts as a restroom. It wasn'ts as bad when it happen at home, since my mom wents to work or hads a date, so I coulds just wash all my beddings and pretend it never happen. I hids it for a while. In a way it was. . .normal. But den one night my mom broughts a guy home, and I didn't sleeps because I was scared of what mights happen. Not'ing did, but when I wents to school de next day, I was tireds. I fell asleeps in class."

"Oh." Toki rubbed his back.

"De teacher sents me to de principals office and all de ot'er kids got earlies recess." Monotony denoted emotional detachment. "I knews how to handle a guy dat was pissed at me, so I trieds to calm him down. He slappeds me, for touching his belt. Den dey calleds my mom in, and. . .ugh, dey wouldn'ts even let me see her. Dey hads me locked in de principal's office wit' some government lady, and I coulds hear my mom freakings out. I didn'ts get it. I wanteds to go back to her, because she was all I hads, you know? But dis lady, she kepts telling me dat I was goings to be okay because I wasn'ts going home, and all I could t'ink was, where does I go, den? Where ams dere for me to go, if I can'ts have my room, my t'ings, or my moms?"

"They tooks you away from her?"

Skwisgaar nodded. "I trieds to tell dem not'ing happen when dey kepts grilling me, but dey wouldn'ts listen. I wents wit' de government lady and sats in her office while she mades phone call. It felts like forever, but she finally gots a hold of my mormor, in Göteborg."

"Your mom's mom?"

"She didn'ts even know she was a grandma. Cans you believe dat?" Skwisgaar chuckled mirthlessly. "She and my mom hadn't spokens in years. But she said she woulds take me, so I lefts Vällingby. Was for de best, anyway. No ways could I ever go back to dat school."

"Vällingby? I thoughts you mom live up by Sundsvall?"

"Kovland was after. I wents back to her, when I was ten. She gots herself figured out, moveds out of de city, all dat shits. No ways would I evers go back to her if I hads to attends de same school, or possiblies see any of dem men again." Skwisgaar paused. "Göteborg was good. I really likeds my mormor. She was a lot stricters, but I t'inks I neededs dat."

"You nevers talks about her. Is she stills in Göteborg?"

Skwisgaar shook his head. "No. She dieds, when I was seventeen. I liveds wit' her again when I was gettings going as a guitarist. Figureds I was done wit' Sweden, after dat. Mets de ot'er guys nots long after, when Fuckface Academy playeds at de same festival as dem, stayeds in America, you know de rest of de stories from dere, I t'ink."

"Pretties much." Toki nodded. "Didn'ts anyone give you anys help, when you was in Göteborg, the first time? Didn'ts you talk to anyone?"

"I remembers meeting wit' dis lady once a week and we woulds talk about what was goings on in my life while playings backgammon and stuff, but I don'ts really got any memory of beings asked what happen. I t'ink dat so longs as I was happy, dey was too."

"Maybes she was waitings for you to say something."

"Huh, fats chance of dat."

Toki felt bad, in Stockholm. If not for the nature of what brought them back to the same room, he would've held onto Skwisgaar's secret forever. Charles wanted him to help though, so that's what he did. Toki's best guess for why Skwisgaar committed matricide was everything Serveta ever allowed happen in his youth escalating too far in confrontation. So, of course, outside of this room, Toki maintained ignorance about what motivated Skwisgaar.

"That was all the defendant told you?"

Toki nodded. "Of the bad stuff, anyway. I thinks he just really neededs to get it off his chest. Was maybes nice, to have someone listen and not says too much. Just lets him talk, and all that. Afters that, with all the bad stuff in the air, he tolds me more happy stuff afters I called in for some Chinese food."

"De cool t'ing about Göteborg and Sundsvall was de music," Skwisgaar stated through a mouthful of rice, in Portland. "Mormor wouldn'ts let me go anywhere alones in Göteborg, but Mom lets me bus into Sundsvall whenevers I wanteds to. Dids dat more once I gots my Explorer. Joined my forst band at fourteen. Was abskolute shits, but we hads fun."

"Dids you play any gigs?"

"Nah. We weren'ts even good enough for dat." Skwisgaar chuckled. "Just a bunch of kids playings Mercyful Fates covers. Nots even wort' notings, except dat it was what starts it all for me."

"Hey, gives yourself some credits. The guitars for Mercyful Fates are pretties good."

"Ja, it didn'ts takes me too long to gets good enough to plays dem."

Toki chuckled while kissing Skwisgaar's cheek. Nothing that ever happened could take the arrogant asshole out of him, and Toki loved that even if he regularly fell prey to it. "I wish I was there. I woulds has loved pallings around with you."

"So you t'inks. You couldnts even handle me in my early twenties, and I was worse when I was a teen. Judgings by how many band kickeds me out, I was a total shithead."

"Aw, they wouldn'ts let you play with them no mores?"

"Was deir loss," Skwisgaar huffed. "Dey coulds has been great. I still gets called by dem sometimes, tryings to be friendly. But I tells dem screw you, go die. You says I rodes your coattails? Fucks you, who ams trying to does it now?"

"You know, when you nots acting likes as asshole at me, I loves it. We needs more common enemies." Toki tossed some chicken into his mouth. "We's way better as a team, don'ts you think?"

"Ja." Switching hands with his fork, Skwisgaar squeezed Toki's upper arm. "T'anks you, for nots letting all dis get weird."

"I don't sees it, Skwis. I just wants you to be happy. You wents through the paces today, but I cans already sees a difference in you. You's always been tall, but nots like this."

Although Toki remained outwardly positive all through the evening, he couldn't shake a deeply rooted anxiety. Only when Skwisgaar's breathing evened out beside him did he roll over and investigate the source. He inhaled on a stutter, tears blurring his vision. How could it be, that Skwisgaar ever had to sleep with one eye open? Why did he need to be afraid, or hurt? For how hard he and Skwisgaar could go sometimes, what was required to bruise an entire ribcage? Maybe not much, with a child. Goddamn it, how old was Skwisgaar when that happened?

Anger curled Toki's fists. He didn't want to get so emotionally involved in the past, but damn. How could he stay calm, when someone hurt the man he loved like that?

The ache in his chest that normally came after a bad day in Norway reemerged. How would he feel like anything, if someone used him as an object for cheap thrill? How did Skwisgaar even survive? Toki empathized completely with trying to feel nothing at all, by distancing himself. He imagined Skwisgaar gathering up the pieces of himself after his mother rejected his pain, then imagined meeting the man that raped him on his way back down the apartment hallway.

Toki couldn't, without biting down on his fingers to suppress any noise he might make. Maybe sometimes he had too good of an imagination.