DISCLAIMER: Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight AUTHOR'S NOTE: This chapter is going to be a little more angsty than we're used to with this story. Don't worry. The sun will come out. Guess when. Just kidding. I'm also updating sooner than I was planning on because I love all. Maybe since you're getting a chapter early you can thank me with reviews? Just a thought. :) Also, very exciting news.(well exciting for me. I don't know if you'll think so.) This story is being translated into French by the lovely aligroo. When she gets it up I'll post a link on my profile. Thanks again
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heal my bleeding heart
-BPOV-
Edward and I headed to the master bedroom after the movies were over. It was routine by this time. As I opened the door and motioned for him to enter first(also routine. I think he felt bad if I didn't invite him in or something) I started to wonder... what if now that we were together this was inappropriate. More so than sleeping with someone you're not with? Not that we ever did anything other than sleep but still. I barely had any time at all to worry though because before I even reached freak out mode Edward was lying under the blanket, holding one side up for me. I grinned and rushed across the room, borrowing into the quilt.
"I had fun tonight." I said.
He chuckled, probably at my reaction to just being close to him.
"I had fun too." He said.
I smiled, as happy as I had been in a long time. I hadn't known I was searching for a place to belong until I found it. A content but sleepy yawn slipped from between my lips and Edward kissed my forehead.
"Good night, my love." He whispered.
My heart flipped at his wording. He had called me this so many times but I always thought it was because he had grown accustomed since using it when around his family. It was different when it was coming from... what? My boyfriend? The title didn't seem to fit. I don't know what Edward was thinking but he felt like so much more to me than that.
I closed my eyes and wiggled into his side, his arms wrapping around me automatically. I couldn't help letting out an embarrassing sigh of contentment. Edward just kissed the shell of my ear though and rested his head beside mine on the pillow. It was perfect. I was so comfortable and cozy. But I just couldn't get to sleep.
"We forgot to turn the light off." I grumbled.
Edward didn't move.
I opened my eyes questioningly and he was staring back at me. He rolled his eyes.
"Let me get that for you." he said sarcastically, untangling his arms from around my waist and slinging the blanket off of him.
I giggled.
"Thank you, Eddie."
He shot a look back at me over his shoulder.
"You have been spending way too much time with Emmett."
I just grinned angelically.
"So what am I supposed to call you?" I asked curiously.
He corked one eyebrow.
"Uhm... Edward?" he guessed.
"Nope." I shook my head, popping the p. I don't know where this was coming from. Usually I was careful with my words, not joking with him or teasing unless he started it. But I was euphoric with the turn of events recently and feeling carefree. Plus he was extremely cute when he was annoyed or amused, which I think he was feeling in equal portions at the moment. He had one eyebrow raised, a half smile on his face.
"You don't like my name?" he asked, feigning hurt.
I rolled my eyes.
"I love your name." I said before I could think. "But you get to call me by a nickname. I feel left out."
I looked at him, jutting out my bottom lip dramatically. He shook his head, turning to face me completely. It looked like the lights were all but forgotten but I didn't mind because I wasn't very sleepy any more.
"Fine." He said agreeably, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the wall, studying me with amusement.
I grinned victoriously. Maybe this being straightforward thing was good. I think I could get used to this.
"What are you going to call me then?" he asked, smirking.
I opened my mouth to make a reply but suddenly he stuck his hands out in a stop sign motion.
"Not Eddie." He cringed.
I snickered.
"How about... Eddiekins?" I teased, trying to keep a straight face.
He glowered at me, not even making a retort. I laughed, maybe a little hint of evil showing through.
"Fine, fine." I relented. "How about SSA?"
He corked an eyebrow, looking at me like I had grown a second head.
"Sa?"
"S.S.A." I corrected.
He tilted his head to the side, studying me.
"And what would that mean?" he asked.
"Sexy secret agent." I blurted. My eyes widened when I realized what I had said out loud. I hadn't meant to actually tell him the meaning. It was something that I had been calling him in my head since about a minute after I had opened my reddened eyes to be captured by his back at headquarters. But I was going to make him guess the meaning and just tell him one of his guesses was right. Then I would be able to call him that all the time without him actually knowing I was frothing at the mouth. You see, this is why I wasn't straightforward and flirty. I remember now. Because it always ended with my foot in my mouth.
A grin upturned his lips, his eyes glinting with mischief.
"You think I'm sexy?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at me.
I looked down at my hands, twinning my fingers together as I felt my blush return full force. It really was inevitable I suppose. It's not like he didn't know it already but that was different than me actually saying it.
"I think you're a secret agent." I said coyly, looking up through my lashes.
He chuckled, shaking his head. He abandoned his quest to turn the lights off and jumped back onto the bed.
"I am." he agreed, still smirking smugly. "But that's not the part I'm interested in at the moment."
I gulped.
"Typical guy." I teased, hoping my blush would fade sometime soon. "Only hearing what you want to hear."
He gave me a disbelieving look, crawling back up next to me on the bed.
"I think you're sexy." he murmured. I'm pretty sure he meant to sound seductive this time.
My eyes widened, my breathing faltered, and a very unattractive nervous guffaw slipped out. I slapped my hands over my mouth and Edward raised an eyebrow.
"Very sexy." he nodded, reaching out and taking my hands away from my mouth.
I glared at him.
"Nice." I said sarcastically. He didn't need to make fun of me when I was already about ten shades of red. Have you ever noticed that blushing when embarrassed only enhances your embarrassment? If he mentioned my blush right now I think I might die. Or hit him. Probably die- I wasn't a very violent person.
"Aren't you supposed to be shutting the lights off?" I sighed.
He chuckled.
"Are you tired anymore?" he asked.
I tried to glare at him a little longer but it was so much more natural to ogle. I sighed in defeat, crossing my arms over my chest.
"No." I admitted.
"Good." he said happily. He slid up to sit against the headboard and pulled me close. "Then we can talk."
"Talk about what?" I asked hesitantly.
He wrapped his arms around my waist and snuggled into my side for a change, resting his head in the crook of my neck.
He took a deep breath as if preparing for a very serious topic. I fidgeted in his arms. What was he going to ask? He knew almost everything about me and we had already talked more tonight than ever before. Not that I didn't like the outcome of course! But did this have something to do with Jacob? Had they found him? Had he found us? That thought sent a jolt of fear through me like a lightening bolt but I made myself calm down. Edward would not have been so clam if it had anything to do with the mission. I'm not sure if I was more or less nervous now that I was pretty sure it was something personal.
"What do you think we should do about this fake wedding my sister is planning?" He asked.
I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. That was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. It did relate to the mission- it was just something he wasn't exactly worried about. Why wasn't he worried about the impending wedding? Why wasn't I worried about it for that matter?
I was about to joyously reply when he cut me off.
"Wait. Why is there lingerie on the bed?"
My eyes widened and I swear my heart stopped beating. No! No! No! I didn't!
I followed his gaze to the end of the bed and saw what he was seeing.
I did. Crap.
I groaned, burying my head into his chest trying to hide from the humiliation. When I had been frantically searching through my drawer, horror struck, I had tossed the other scrap of offending cloth to the other side of the room- where it had landed gracefully at the foot of my bed.
"Bella?"
I just shook my head, still trying to hide my shame. I am going to kill Alice. And then Rosalie. And then I am going kill myself so that I can torture them in the afterlife.
Edward moved me gently off of his chest and slid down the bed. I looked up hesitantly, praying to whoever would listen that he would drop it.
My mouth fell open when I saw him pick the godforsaken thing up and examine it. He held it out in front of him, his eyes roaming over it. Then he looked at me over the top of it, his eyebrows raised.
"This is so embarrassing." I grumbled to myself. "I'm going to kill them both!"
He chuckled, still not putting that dang thing down.
"I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and guess this has something to do with my sisters?"
I nodded mutely.
He looked at it again and then looked at me. I blushed. What was he doing?
"Hmm." he said appreciatively. "It's very nice."
My eyes narrowed into little slits.
"No." I told him. "It is not."
"It seems we have a difference of opinion then." He sighed, sounding put out.
I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest. Why oh why did he have to make this more uncomfortable and awkward than it had to be? And why was he still holding it up?!
He grinned at me before finally throwing the offending outfit to the side.
As soon as the piece of fabric hit the end of the bed the lights went out, leaving us in pitch black. Even the street lamps outside went out. I shrieked in surprise.
"Bella?" Edward called, his voice suddenly anxious.
I felt the bed move under me but couldn't see anything. A tree branch scratched at the window above my head. The only thought left in my mind was he's here. I must admit it was a little cliche, cutting the power, but he'd always loved his dramatics. It was just the thing he would do.
"Jacob." It came out as one whispered breath.
It was shocking how fast the atmosphere changed, how quickly my throat constricted, how easy it was to regress back into the familiar sense of dread.
"Oh my god." I whispered, panic creeping upon me. This couldn't be happening. I had always known there was a chance, (and that chance was increased ten fold when they had lost Jacob) that he would find us. I knew that there could only be one winer in the end. But could fate really be that cruel- to rip me away when I'd finally found the place I wanted to stay? When I'd finally found the person I wanted to be with?
A hand grabbed hold of my wrist, pulling me forward, but I struggled against it.
"No!" It came out as a bloodcurdling scream, the despair crushing me like icy fingers clutching at my heart until all I could feel was the pain. All rational thought left me as I was pulled forward, forward. Arms encircled my waist, restraining me, crushing me to a hard chest. I pounded my fists against it frantically.
"No!" I screamed again, my breathing now coming in such rapid gasps that I felt light headed, dizzy.
"Edward!" I called out desperately.
"Bella." A velvet voice tried to sooth me but it was to marred with worry to comfort. It wasn't the silky smooth voice I had grown accustomed to. It was rough and strained.
I cried, beating against the chest with renewed vigor.
"Bella!" the voice said again, more commanding this time- the tone of authority. Something about it cut through my sudden panic and it registered in my scrambled brain. Edward.
"I know you're scared but you have to calm down." he instructed. "You need to listen to me."
His arms released my waist and two strong hands captured my own, holding them to his chest. I hadn't even realized I was still hitting him with all my might. Thankfully it didn't seem to affect him. He just pressed our conjoined hands tighter to his chest, my fists slowly relaxing to lay flat under his; calmed by the beating of his heart.
"Bella." Edward said again, quieter, as if he knew the only thing keeping me tethered to sanity was his voice at my ear. "Jacob isn't here."
I gulped down air, my chest heaving with my raged breaths. My eyes had somewhat started to adjust to the dark by this time and I could see his intense green eyes staring into mine.
"How do you know?" I whimpered.
"He's not." he said absolutely. "You need to trust me, okay? I will never let Jacob hurt you again." His voice was the epitome of fiery passion, encompassing fierce determination.
"NEVER."
I let out a short shaky breath before nodding once.
"Okay." I whispered.
My heart was still thumping, all my movements were jerky, and I was shaking uncontrollably.
"Okay." He breathed, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. He gave me a quick hug and then he turned me around on the bed so that we were facing one of the windows, his arms wrapped securly around me from behind.
"See?" He pointed.
I squinted, looking for whatever he was pointing out in the dark.
"I can't see anything." I said finally.
"Exactly." He said. "The neighbors lights are all out too. It must just be a power outage."
I looked closer out the window and sure enough- all you could see were the stars over head for blocks.
We just sat there like that, looking at the midnight tint of the sky that curved downward to meet the ground. The whole scene might have been beautiful in any other circimstance but at the moment it all looked sad. Everything looked hopeless.
A small cry escaped my mouth and a tear trailed down my cheek. I let my head fall against Edward's chest, completely exhausted.
"This is never going to end." I sucked in a deep breath but it seemed to get stuck, sounding like a car that stubbornly refused to start. "I'm never going to be normal again. The lights going off is always going to make me jump. Being in a crowd is always going to make me paranoid. I'll always be looking over my shoulder, waiting for my past to jump out and grab me.
"It's such a horrible horrible feeling, Edward." I sobbed. "To not even be you anymore- to feel broken."
Edward rubbed his thumb in circles across my shoulder blade.
"I felt like a zombie before I met you." I continued, unable to stop now that I had started. "Too afraid to go outside or even walk past a window. I wasn't me. But I haven't felt that way since I've been here with you. You make me feel safe and whole. I feel like me again. But now I'm so terrified- not of death but of being taken away from you."
I choked back a sob, clinging to the fabric of his shirt as if it was a life preserver.
"I can't go back to that." I sobbed.
I wasn't even sure if I was making sense anymore. All I knew was that Edward had begun to put me back together again. I was me again for the first time in over a year. Even the nightmares were all but gone, only occasionally waking up with that dread in the pit of my stomach and never when Edward was near. I was healing. It was the first time I had thought of it in that way... 'healing.' I had been broken but it was the first time I had thought it was possible to heal. I did know I didn't want to go back to the way things were before. I couldn't. I had only been a semblance of a human being, a vague form of who I had once been. A zombie and nothing more.
"I will never leave you, my love." Edward whispered into the dark, running his hands through my hair. "I'll be here for as long as you want me."
"Forever." I said automatically, my tears slowing. My brain hurt too much to analyze our exchange or what his words would mean in the daylight. What they would mean when we were away from the nightmares, and monsters, and whispered confessions. So I just let it be what I needed right then; my solace.
We sat like that for a long time, waiting for my tears to dry or run out- which ever happened first. But finally my breathing calmed and my head stopped pounding, leaving behind the inevitable ache that always accompanied long crying jags.
"Did you know that I was adopted?" Edward asked, breaking the silence that had engulfed us for so long. I maneuvered in his arms, resting my head against his shoulder so that I could see his face. His eyes were distant, trained on memories of his own.
"Really?" I asked quietly, my voice raw from crying.
He nodded roboticaly.
"Yeah." he swallowed. "Esme and Carlisle adopted me when I was eight. They're not my biological parents."
I traced my fingertips gently over his open palm, trying to provide some support or comfort like he had done for me countless times, and he smiled sadly down at me. I knew Edward had something that haunted him. I had told him so that night he asked me what I saw in his eyes. 'Sometimes you look so haunted, like a part of you is missing.'
He tried to hide his sorrow from the world; and he was good at it but I saw the real Edward.
I had just never expected it to be something like this. He just fit with his family. They were the Cullen's. They were the perfect family, each of them having their spot- they revolved around each other. It was impossible to think of them without Edward or Edward without them.
"I was in the third grade when they died." He said, his voice distanced and detached- distorted from the pain he must be experiencing. It sounded like he was underwater, struggling to get the words out to reach me. "It was just a normal day, rainy. We lived in Chicago then.
"You always hear about these people who live through impossible situations; 'an eighty year old woman survives her second bungee jumping accident this morning.'" He said, like reading a headline. "They don't realize how precious life is."
He shook his head at himself.
"My parents weren't like that. They didn't take unnecessary risks. They were extremely cautious. Those people jump off planes for kicks or tie cords to their legs and jump off a bridge. Most of them walk away. My parents were grocery shopping." He swallowed and I saw a tear trickle down his cheek. He wiped it away almost angrily.
"That's it. They were just grocery shopping."
I wiped my thumb across his cheek where another tear had trailed down unnoticed.
"There was this kid, a druggie. He'd probably had a rough life, probably abandoned by his own parents, turned to drugs for comfort or something. You've got to wonder about the desperation, the need, that makes a man walk into a grocery store with the intent of robbing the place. Did he have tunnel vision- Only able to see the end result, The drugs? Why couldn't he see how many peoples lives were going to change that day? How many would end!"
He took a deep breath, clenching his hands together into fists, his jaw tensing.
"My dad always saw the best in people. He thought he could talk him out of it. He thought that if he just showed him what was at risk here he might just walk away. The guy was nervous, anxious, jittery from the drugs. He was aiming the gun between all of the hostages and then at the cashier and my father just kept talking. Trying to talk him down. He ended up shotting all of the people in the store but one. It was really early, they always did the shopping after they dropped me off at school. So there was only about six people there but that's six people that never walked back out."
His eyes were tight and controlled but there was a burning anger hidden behind them that scared me.
"I was in school when the police officer came to tell me."
I buried my head in his shoulder, squeezing my eyes shut. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to take the pain away from him. I wanted to take the memories and un-taint them so he could laugh and smile that smile that I loved.
"There's no doubt that he would have killed the cashier too but someone passing by heard the gun shots and rushed into the store. He got scared and bolted out the back. They caught the guy about a week later, holding up a gas station. I guess he had burned through all the money he got from the store. Sometimes I wonder if he can still see their faces, his victims. Or if they're just blurs because there have been so many. Has he turned his life around like my father thought he could? Or did his lifestyle eventually do him in?"
"Edward." I murmured. I didn't know what else to say. I couldn't think of a thing. I just needed to be here with him and it looked like he needed me too.
"The cashier told the police that he was the same one from the store but when it came to identifying him she got scared. She didn't do it in the end. And he got eleven years in jail for armed robbery of the 7/11. He got let out after seven."
He shrugged, his eyes now red and puffy as he clenched and unclenched his jaw.
"That's why I do what I do. That's why I left my family and moved back to the place where those people had died so long ago. That's why I go home at night to an empty house and my thoughts are too much for me to handle. Because I wanted to dedicate my life to people who had the courage to make a difference. That's why I've dedicated my life to protecting people like you."
I looked up at him in awe. I knew it was hard for him to tell me this but it helped me understand him better. In this one moment I saw him without his guard up. I saw who he really was. And I loved him more than ever.
"You asked me once why I was chosen for the case." He whispered, looking back at me now- his eyes tender. "It's because of my dedication, because they know I would do anything for the people I protect. It's because I have never left anyone in my charge unprotected for even a second. It's because I would rather my life end than someone who is making a difference. And I accepted because even before I met you I knew you were special. You had the courage to stand up and testify against one of the most important and dangerous men in our community, someone who you had a link to, someone that you really didn't want to hurt. But you put that aside and did what was right. I accepted the case because even before I met you I respected you."
All of the pieces clicked together with a thunderous clap, the realization so powerful it almost knocked me over. All of those times that he had looked at his family with an equal amount of happiness and sadness. He loved the Cullen's, the really were his family in all the ways that mattered. It was more than obvious. But he was also seeing the past, seeing a dark past that clung to him like fog on a muggy day. Here I had been thinking I was the only person who knew what it felt like to be followed by your past, to have it play such a huge part in the present. But I wasn't. Not by far. And I knew that it wasn't just me who needed Edward. We needed each other.
"I'll never leave you either." I whispered. "Never."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, I did warn you that it was going to be a little darker than the rest of it. But now it's out of the way and you know what is in Edward's past. You know why he had that connection with Bella from the start. Now we can move on to lighter scenes again although I must admit there is going to be another few chapters scattered around that are dark too as the story winds to a close. Also, I know that I promised a new character in this chapter but I think that would have been too much. They will come into the story in the beginning of the next chapter. Is there any guesses about who it will be?
Thanks for all of the wonderful reviews and remember the faster you review the faster I write. Hint hint.
Much Love!