XXI. Lost in the Moment

Aislinn was in her chambers, reading a book, when she heard a knock coming to her door. It was starting to get late in the evening by that time, a fire going in her hearth, and she was settling after completely all of her tasks for that day. Aislinn's chambers were decorated with quite a few odds and inns she'd picked up since she left the tower, mostly when she'd been working for the noble family tryin to keep the Arl's mother in good health, but it wasn't extravagant like many rooms in the manor were. Aislinn liked her simplicity after all.

She'd spent the day that day thinking about several things, not just those between herself and the Knight Commander despite the fact that things had changed between them recently. She'd been considering her position in the Circle, the way things were going in the world, and the kinds of things that needed to be done to make it all better. So much at once started seeming hopeless, so she'd sat down in her chambers when she'd gotten her work for the day done and began to read to try to get her mind off of it.

Instead of focusing on the reading, however, her mind kept going back to the night before and to the things she and Cullen had said to one another. She'd told him she couldn't step on his toes and that leaving was his decision. That was completely true, but she hated that truth. She wanted him to stay, wanted to find some way to work through their problems, but she knew that even in thinking that, she was more than likely setting herself up for a fall.

Besides, he still had trouble with mages. She knew he didn't hate them, he simply wasn't fond of them, though he hadn't let that bias completely color his perceptions. He'd been willing to look on this Circle and they way it functioned and give it time before he developed a proper opinion of it, so that wasn't a completely huge issue. Still, to her, she felt like it was going to be in the way.

When the unexpected knock came to her door, she pushed all of that out of her mind and looked up, saying, "Come in," and then glanced back to see who might come to see her. Surprisingly, since she she'd just been considering him and also thought he'd be avoiding her like the plague, it was Cullen. She couldn't help but stare at him for a moment before she closed her book and put it on the table next to her chair.

"Cullen?"

She stood up, getting the feeling he probably wasn't going to stay for long, and watched him turning around to face her. Hesitantly, he said, "Yes," and then went on, "I hope I'm...not interrupting anything."

"I was just reading an old book," she told him with a little shrug, "nothing special."

Cullen stood there quietly, managing a nod of his head before becoming lost for a moment. Aislinn waited patiently while he seemed to get his thoughts together, and she finally waved a hand and asked, "Is everything alright? You're still feeling well?"

Cullen still didn't speak. His words had gotten caught in his throat. There were so many things he wanted to say and he didn't know which one to start on. But he finally managed to answer her question first, and that got the ball rolling. "Yes, I'm fine...Ai-Aislinn. I wanted to...uh...come and tell you that I asked Marleyna for a transfer."

Aislinn was quiet, knowing he would have, but that still didn't make it hurt any less. Even still, she nodded her head, saying, "Good," after a moment, and asked, "How did it go?"

"We had a talk about it."

"Oh," she said as casually as she could muster, not knowing what else to ask. Why did she suddenly feel like crying? She rarely ever cried, and kicked herself for it mentally. Of course, this wasn't either of their faults, so she couldn't blame anyone for it either. "Uh, how much longer will you be here then?"

Cullen blinked, realizing he'd forgotten to tell her what Marleyna had said. "Oh, she...denied it for now. I'm not...being transferred yet. At least, not until certain things have been remedied. She also doesn't think the Grand Cleric would be too accepting of such a thing just yet."

"I see," Aislinn told him, unable to help but realize that made her feel much better. Still, he might just decide to go anyway, and it was hard to think about. Whatever it was Marleyna wanted him to remedy, he might just do that and then she'd never see him again anyway.

But she could handle a delay, or at least, she hoped so.

Cullen was having trouble, but not for the reasons he thought he would. It wasn't because she looked so nice with her hair hanging freely in long copper waves, or the fact that the baby blue color of her robes looked very nice on her. Instead, she wasn't showing it, but he could see on her face that she was holding herself together for some reason, trying to keep from having some kind of emotional outburst in front of him perhaps. Taking in his breath, he got out on a somewhat raspy tone, "I wanted t-to...come and ask you...to d-dinner...uh...if you'd like."

The question took her by surprise. Raising her brows at him, she forgot about her concerns for a moment and asked, "Dinner?"

"Y-yes...unless you feel that's...not acceptable. I'll understand." He wouldn't, but he'd let her say so if she wished.

Aislinn didn't say anything though. She just stood there, giving him a perplexed look. Doubtful for what he'd just done, Cullen couldn't help but say, "I'm not any good at this. I shouldn't have asked. But...," he looked back up and explained, "the Revered Mother suggested some things that made a lot of sense. I thought maybe...uh...dinner might be...a good way to talk about it. It was a bad idea to ask for that, though. I'll leave you to your–," and stopped when she interrupted him as he'd tried to take the doorknob to go.

"No," Aislinn shook her head, walking over to put her hand on the door and keep him from opening it, coming up next to him in the process. She looked up at him and shook her head, saying, "It's not a bad idea. I was just surprised. I didn't expect you to ask that question." She smiled at him warmly after she told him that to reassure him.

Maker, how does she do that? Cullen couldn't figure out how a simple smile could make him forget whatever it was he'd been thinking about, staring at her blankly as she stood there not two feet from him, and he barely heard her when she asked, "What kinds of things did you need to talk about?"

Getting the question right in his head, he said, "Oh, well, the same things we'd discussed...last night mostly."

So it was about them in a sense. She got the feeling he'd meant it as a romantic gesture now that she understood more of this, wondering briefly just what he might've told Marleyna to make the woman suggest talking. Had he mentioned his feelings for her? So she asked, "Did you tell the Revered Mother everything then?"

"Most of it, but she seemed to pick up on it herself beforehand."

Aislinn couldn't help but smirk slightly, "That sounds like her." The woman could be astute, after all. It didn't surprise her to hear that Marleyna had suggested they talk either. A thought she had only made her smile fade before she asked Cullen however, "But are you certain you'd really like to have dinner with me?"

Cullen looked confused when she asked that, so she added the words, "I'm a mage. Are you sure that's what you really want?"

Now he saw what she meant. Yes, she was a mage, a thought that, for a short while, made Cullen angry with himself. He'd become infatuated with a mage of all things, and after what happened in the Tower, he'd realized just how dangerous that could have been had something come out of it. But over time, a bit of his former mentality on the issue had seemed to implement itself with the new, and he realized that she wasn't like the others, that it wasn't so bad that he'd become infatuated with her, and he became angry with himself for having simply cast her to the side even though she'd never given him a reason to doubt her.

Still, he had to say, as plainly as he could considering he just wanted to stare at her in those few moments, "Well, I'm a Templar...and you just said it was a...good idea. Can't I accept just as easily as you?"

Aislinn wasn't sure if that was a completely thorough answer, but it worked for now, and so she nodded her head. "Then I wouldn't mind having dinner to talk about things. That would be nice."

He was still staring at her blankly, as if he'd just gotten completely lost, a look that made her smile again. He looked as if he were keeping himself in check, trying to hold onto some kind of control, and she decided to lean up slowly. Cullen didn't even realize it until she was much closer, and he backed up a bit, making it harder for her to reach him to kiss him as she'd intended to do.

Aislinn stopped when he moved and bit her lip to keep from grinning, raising her gaze to his eyes. She hoped she hadn't made him uncomfortable, saying softly, "You need to lean just a bit, you're too tall for me you know?"

When he didn't move, she reached up her hands to place against his cheeks and pulled him down slowly, her eyes closing as she pressed a very simple kiss to his lips before he could react or pull away. The entire time, he stared at her, his eyes expressing his bewilderment easily, until they slowly fell shut after a moment of time, unable to fight the pull he felt as he finally leaned into the kiss. It wasn't what he thought it would be. Instead, he couldn't think at all, he only felt, and it was a wonderful type of sensation to have.

Too wonderful to be real actually. Or maybe it wasn't. He didn't know.

This was something he'd wanted to do for a long time now, and he almost didn't think it was real, but he didn't want it to end. He thought she was about to stop as well, but she only broke the kiss to press her lips back to his in a slow brush across them a second time, her hands still on his cheeks. He forgot everything else in the world when she did that, the sensations drowning everything else out to the point that when the kiss ended, he just lingered right where he was, his breathing slow and his face serenely euphoric.

Aislinn opened her eyes to see this, smiling in a daze over how he looked and the fluttering she felt in her stomach before she whispered, "I liked that."

Finally, he opened his own eyes when she spoke and looked down into hers, giving her a silent nod without even thinking about it. Aislinn had already made up her mind before that it was impossible for him to get any cuter, but he'd just proved her completely wrong.

Cullen was absolutely speechless and thoughtless. He couldn't stop staring at her, his eyes wandering to her lips in specific, and when they did, something in him just broke. He damned the consequences, or just didn't think about them at all. Before Aislinn knew it, he'd leaned down and kissed her again, much more urgently than before, and she felt like she'd been hit with a bolt of lightening, grabbing him just to steady herself alone. As soon as she did that, she felt him pulling her in, and she let a soft gasp from her throat over the way he'd lost himself, kissing him back just as urgently as her emotions took over.

The sound she'd made drew thought into Cullen's head however, and everything came to a screeching halt for him suddenly. Embarrassment flooded him, and he broke his mouth from hers, ready to apologize for overstepping his boundaries, but no sooner than he'd tried to speak, she'd leaned up and covered his mouth with hers again, sweeping her tongue against his lips. That made him completely forget whatever he'd been about to say, not even realizing how strong a grip he had around her sides as he tried to keep up with the kiss, his lips parting against hers, their tongues meeting for the first time.

It was a desperate kiss on both their parts, and the first time he'd ever kissed like that as well, but it felt natural, following suit to what she was doing with her tongue against his, stroking it back and forth, which only served to draw a fire through him he hadn't completely expected. The heat he felt drew a groan from his throat, and the sound made Aislinn melt to hear that kind of enjoyment coming out of him. Both of them got lost in that moment, one only existing for the other, seemingly unable to get enough.

Finally, Aislinn thought about how he might still leave the Circle because of this, because of the difficulties, and it hurt her so much that she couldn't help herself from breaking away before turning her head to kiss the stubble lining his jaw, up toward his ear while tightening her grip against him as if to keep him right where he was while she whispered without thought, "Please don't leave, Cullen."

She sounded desperate, like she needed him more than she'd yet admitted, and something in those words and the way she'd held tight to him made reality crash into Cullen like a boulder. Hearing her begging him to stay regardless of what happened caused him to ache all over, and Cullen's grip on her tightened to the point that he thought he might absorb her into himself. His hands had splayed themselves across her back and above her shoulder, as if promising her without words that he wouldn't ever go anywhere else.

Before he could even consider how it made him feel to hear her asking him that however, she added, "I know it's selfish of me to ask that, I'm sorry. I spoke without thinking."

Cullen couldn't say anything yet. He was too lost in that moment. He wanted to stay with her more than anything in the world, couldn't even imagine taking another post if she wasn't there, and he finally opened his eyes while taking in a deep breathe for the first time in what felt like hours. He realized then how tightly he'd been holding her, knew he was likely crushing her, but for the life of him he couldn't make himself relax his grip, almost as if he were afraid this would all turn out to be another dream if he did.

Instead, he considered what she'd asked him to do, and realized she was still under the assumption that he was going to be moving on once everything here was done. So he forced himself to relax his arms around her, saying in the process, "No...I'm n-not..." When she'd moved back a bit and he could see her face he stopped himself.

Stuttering again. His eyes closed and he let out a low sigh of breath over the thought. Finally, he told her more sincerely, "I'm not going to leave." His eyes opened again, and he looked down at her. "But I want this to be right if anything at all. I...love you." That was the hard part, but once the words were out, he continued more easily, "I always have. You mean too much to me to make a mistake. But don't apologize because you don't want me to go." Turning his head to the side, he admitted, "You have no idea how those words you spoke make me feel."

Aislinn watched him while he said this, her heart fluttering a bit over the things he'd said, and she leaned her head a bit when he'd looked down to try to catch his gaze with hers again, saying, "Hearing you saying what you just did makes me feel the same way, and I understand wanting to do this right. I want it to be right too."

His eyes searched hers briefly before he sighed out, "I feel as if I'm off to a bad start though."

"Why is that?"

"I shouldn't have kissed you like that."

Aislinn was a little confused now. "You didn't...like it?," she asked curiously.

He shook his head, "It's not that. I enjoyed it too much."

A slow smile began to creep across her face, and she tilted her head down, then leaned against him. Cullen wasn't used to that kind of free movement, watching her quietly and she pressed herself to him, but he liked it. Once again, too much, if there was such a thing when it came to her.

Continuing to hold her right where she was, he let his eyes close and drifted off into thought. She had a hand against the back of his neck and she was combing her fingers into his hair, which he couldn't bring himself to mind at all. It made him wish he wasn't wearing gloves, since he'd always wanted to give her hair the same treatment.

He had a thought though in those quiet moments, and he began by saying, "Aislinn?"

"Hmm?"

He was quiet for a moment afterwards, but she just waited for him to get himself to speak, knew that was what he was up to, and she enjoyed being so close to him in the meantime. He could take all the time in the world if he wanted to. Finally, she heard him saying, "I should've told you how I felt a long time ago. It wouldn't have changed anything, but...I wish I had."

"I'm not upset, if that's what you're thinking."

"No," she heard him saying, "I was just thinking that I might never have gotten the chance, and I would've regretted it. Now that I have it, I'm glad that...you found out about it through that incident."

Aislinn was smiling and she couldn't stop. Lifting her head, she looked up at him and asked softly, "Then I guess that means dinner's still on, huh?"

It took a moment, but he grinned over that comment, and she started chuckling. "Yes, serah, if it pleases you," he told her with a nod following their mirth.

But she didn't give him the response he'd expected. Instead, her smile suddenly faded and she jerked away from him quickly with wide eyes, backing up across the floor until she bumped into the chair and jumped nearly a foot in the air. Cullen couldn't help but give her the most confused expression he had to offer. "What's wrong, Aislinn?"

She pointed at what had to be the wall behind him and cringed, spitting out, "Spider!"

Cullen looked back and up, seeing a moderately sized spider crawling slowly across the wall. Then he looked at her again. But she was no longer in the same spot, and he adjusted his eyes to find her all the way across the room, having gotten there without even making a sound at all.

Really? She was that scared of a little spider?

"It's a small spider, though," Cullen tried to reason, finding himself amused over how she'd managed to make it to the other side of the room so quickly without making a single sound. He'd remind her that she was a mage and could light it on fire, but in her panic, and with where he was standing, he didn't want to get caught in another explosion.

"No, no, they're all huge! There's no such thing as a small spider, Cullen!" She looked absolutely petrified. "Kill it!"

Why he found this to be so endearing, he couldn't be certain, but he was highly surprised that Aislinn of all women was this afraid of a little spider. "You–," he stopped when she started waving a hand at him.

"Kill it, kill it!"

"Alright," he lifted his own hand as if to tell her to calm down without words, then reached over to the wall while telling her, "Open your window."

The spider had stopped moving by that point, making it easy to catch, and Aislinn blinked. "What?"

"Open the window, I'll throw it out." He scooped the spider from the wall and into his gloved hands, closing his palms around it.

By the time he'd turned around, Aislinn was staring at him as if she'd become petrified. Her jaw was unhinged, her arms folded into her sides, hands fisted tightly, and she finally shook her head. He doubted she even knew what she was doing, so he just walked over, and she backed away from him quickly like he might've been carrying the plague as he neared both her and the window. In the corner now, Aislinn watched him tugging the shudder open, and he tossed the spider outside before telling her, "There, problem solved."

Cullen shut the shudder again and looked over at her, seeing her staring and completely still. Quietly, she asked on an urgent tone of voice, "How can you stomach that, even with gloves on?"

"I've...seen much bigger, Aislinn," he said, shrugging over it. "It's just not frightening to me." He was trying not to smile, but it was difficult.

"So have I," she nearly squeaked out. "I...I'm sorry, I just can't handle spiders, ever since I was a little girl. There was a big one the size of my fist in this farmhouse my father took me too one day, and it jumped on me without warning. I ran screaming like a banshee and ever since, I've been terrified of them. It was still on me when my father found me, and he knocked it off and killed it." Every word she'd said had been spoken as if she were in dire straights even then.

But that explained it, Cullen thought, then he told her promisingly, "Well, I'll be sure to kill any I see from now on."

"But you didn't kill that one!" She actually sounded disappointed.

"I didn't need to," he replied, unable to keep himself from smiling at her now.

She frowned, going on to add, "I still can't believe you picked it up!"

He couldn't help but chuckle just because she'd sounded so pitiful when she'd said that. He tried not to, apologized, but the amusement he felt wouldn't let him stop. Aislinn finally started feeling less skittish than she had before as she listened to him, slowly smiling and saying, "It's not funny, Cullen," though she didn't sound in the least bit angry, even sounded amused.

"I just...the way you said that."

She was pouting a little now, and she looked down, folding her arms over her chest with a grin on her face. "I know, I know, the big bad First Enchanter can't handle a single spider. But...," she looked back up at him as his mirth began to die down and told him, "you know, I don't ever think I've actually heard you laughing before."

Looking over at her, she watched his smile fading a bit before he waved a hand and said, "I guess I haven't had too much reason to lately."

"I'll have to try to change that for you then," Aislinn said with a smile. "I like hearing it. Even when it is at my distress," she teased.

She watched him taking a breath after she'd spoken those words before he looked away from her and said, "I...hope you do. It feels good to laugh like that. But I promise I wasn't laughing at your distress," he added, returning to his normal, conservative self.

Aislinn was still smiling even though he had trouble looking at her when he admitted that, and she finally stepped away from the corner and decided to alleviate his discomfort by asking, "So, do you know what time you want to have dinner? Half an hour before sunset is usually good."

"I ah...," he thought back to the reason he'd come to see her and nodded, then glanced back at her, "yes, that's a good time."

"Alright, then that's when I'll see you."

"Very well," he spoke, and immediately thought it sounded too formal somehow. "I mean, I look forward to it." That was when he saw that she was just smiling at him. She somehow seemed to be enjoying his shyness, and he cleared his throat and asked her, "What?"

"Nothing," she replied, grinning now as she told him, "I'm just looking forward to it too."

She watched as he stared at her for a moment before he finally pursed his lips at her. "Now you're teasing me," he pointed out.

"I would never!," she retorted, and eventually snorted in amusement as she looked away, snickering softly because it was true. Teasing him was turning out to be quite a lot of fun.

Again, Cullen found his own amusement, though his smile was small. He couldn't help but mention to her, "It's never...been very easy talking to you from the start, to be honest. Not personally anyway. I'm...sorry for that."

"You shouldn't apologize, Cullen. Honestly, it's one of the things I like about you."

Surprise. "It is?"

"It's cute," she explained. "The way you act around me is very flattering, and it's rare coming from a Templar. I think that just adds to the endearing charm of it."

He wasn't sure how to respond, staring at her once again as he had the thought finally to say, "I thought...honestly, you'd be offended by the notion that I have feelings for you."

"Why is that?," Aislinn asked with a quizzical look on her face.

"Well, I'm a Templar. Most mages aren't fond of us. I somewhat thought it might've been insulting in a way."

He watched her lips curling up into a slow smile of understanding, and she folded her arms over her chest - which he tried not to stare at - and said, "You don't scare me, Cullen. If you remember, not many ever did."

"I remember," he said seriously, "very well in fact."

She somehow got the feeling that it was her refusal to back down that had really gotten his attention to begin with because of how he'd said that. The smile had come off of her face, and she looked to the side, scratching her head. It wasn't hard for her to articulate herself, not at all, but with him, she didn't want to do anything too suddenly because she knew it would more than likely make him back away. So she said, "Well, if we're having dinner, you'd best go make sure things are ready, oh," she smirked, "and spider free. It's already getting late anyway."

"Yes," he replied, noting the time while considering her spider comment with a little humor on his face, almost ready to turn around to go when a sudden thought hit him, and he said, "Melrath."

"Pardon me?" It took Aislinn as moment for that to register, but when it did, she said, "Oh, Melrath. Marleyna told you about him?"

"Yes. She suggested I ask you for more information." Curiously, he asked her, "Who is he? A mage here?"

"Not exactly," Aislinn drew out, then put a hand up to her chin in thought. "I think I'd better show you. We have time before sundown, if you feel like it."

Considering his curiosity over this Melrath and what he'd done to help get Templars off of their Lyrium addictions, he had to say he wouldn't mind that at all. So he told Aislinn, "Please, I'm curious."

Aislinn smiled, then turned and started walking to the door. "Alright, then I'll show you the way. He'll be downstairs."

With those words, they left her chambers. As they did this, the kiss they'd just shared continued popping into Cullen's head, and Aislinn's, but neither of them mentioned it to the other for now. They could discuss more of what was going on between them at dinner, but in the meantime, Cullen kept thinking about how he'd gotten so lost in the moment with her, and how good it had felt to do just that.

Despite the fact that Cullen felt he'd moved too soon, though he knew why he had, he couldn't say it was something he regretted, even if he did want to find somewhere that they could be alone so he could try again. No, it wouldn't be appropriate, he knew that, and he certainly wouldn't do any such thing. But that didn't mean he didn't want to.

Somehow he got the feeling that, if they got any closer in their current relationship, he was going to get lost in the moment quite a lot. He didn't know it, but Aislinn was hoping he would herself.