The blizzard is so harsh we barely advance, there's nothing in view but the small cones of light from our headlamps.
After about an hour, I signal Anakin to stop, baring my mouth to shout over the wind that I just saw a cave. I can't see his expression behind the scarf and goggles, but not even he can insist we go on. We leave our vehicles and begin the short climb towards the natural shelter.
Once inside, the light from our 'sabers allows us a first search; bare rock veiled in thin sheets of ice, no bigger than my sleeping quarters at the Temple. Standing at its centre, I can touch the roof just by raising my hand.
We should be able to warm it enough to pass the night.
Anakin places a ray shield to seal the entrance. I light a small fire, wondering if the low howl we hear is the wind or native animals.
"Ahsoka is smart, she'll be fine," I tell him because his face is breaking me. "We can't help her if we freeze beforehand."
He sits at my side without a comment. We wait in silence for our bodies to stop shaking.
Outside, darkness seems infinite, as if this cave could be the only spot of light in the whole Galaxy.
"When was last time you ate?" He eventually asks.
Apparently 'this morning, Coruscant time,' is not the right answer. Anakin snorts and starts rummaging in his backpack, grumbling that I should take better care of myself.
"Yes, Master," I mock, surprised by his unusual attentiveness.
He cracks a soft smile, warming up two rations over the crude fire.
We catch up on our news while eating. Anakin tells me that pirates have been flooding Diflu over recent weeks, harassing traders and smuggling ore off the planet.
After that, he frowns regarding my recollection of the operations hidden on Palawa and the Dark Signature I sensed there. We try to find a connection between our tales and the Embassy attack but conclude that we're still missing some links.
When the cave gets warm enough, we take off our coats to let them dry near the flame.
"What's that?" I ask, noticing a dark stain on his garment.
He thoughtfully looks down at it. "Told you, we had problems arriving."
My meaningful glare makes him huff, though he docilely removes his tunic and raises an arm to let me check his side, shivering lightly. I have a quick look at the small excoriation, winning the impulse to touch the prickles on his chilled skin but lingering in his warmth a little too long.
I throw him some Bacta from our luggage and get back to my spot beside the embers.
He applies the patch, sullenly shaking his head. "Bacta will never be the same again."
I can't hold back a snicker, and he eyes me, gratified with my reaction.
"Get redressed, you di'kut. It's not exactly hot," I tell him, glancing at my holocom to discover we are isolated.
He grabs his clothes with a chuckle. "I thought you said 'you're not exactly hot' and was about to cry a little."
I roll my eyes. "You already have plenty of validations on the matter; you shouldn't need mine."
"I wouldn't mind a second opinion."
His naughty grin makes me think of several practical ways to give him that second opinion. What I say instead, is that I took pity on that poor waitress at the cantina today.
Anakin fuels the furnace, answering that he can't help being irresistible to gingers.
"I assumed it was the other way around," I shoot back, a smirk rising on my lips. "I'm pretty sure that's not how I taught you to gather information, but nobody is going to scold you for making the most out of your qualities. I'm not your Master nor anything else, no need to act so guilty."
What I'm saying bothers him, and he masks it with a devilish smile. "Both you and Padme seem compelled to underline that you're totally not jealous... She told me you were eager to ditch her yesterday. I guess she believes you're covering for me."
"You're enjoying this way too much," I growl, wrapping myself in blankets and tossing him an extra one.
"You should become allies, and tell me to kriff off." He laughs. "Force, Padme would love it. She's always had a soft spot for you."
"The way I've always had one for her. I do wonder why we haven't got rid of you yet."
Anakin opens his mouth for a comeback but fails; his mind clearly running somewhere else.
I unfold my sleeping bag and suggest that we should rest now, in order to leave at dawn.
"I do nothing but think of you," he blurts out. "I fear this is why I lost Ahsoka today, and I feel like shavit."
"That only confirms what a mess we're making."
He whispers over my words. "...The way your body tenses, the way your last breath sounds aching, as though you're tearing apart."
"I am tearing apart," I murmur, annoyed by the increased pounding in my chest.
His fingers reach out to touch my hair. "I know, I'm sorry..."
"You look more triumphant than sorry."
Anakin retracts his hand as if I burnt him. "Stang, Obi-Wan. I'm trying to say I see you hurting, and I want to help. Don't be an asshole."
"How could you possibly help, if not by leaving me alone?" I hold my gaze on the flame because he's too close, and I don't trust myself. "I can't be good if I keep breaking the Code, and I won't stop if you're around."
"You can't be good without me either. I'm not letting you go, and fighting will only consume you. Stop suffering, accept what is. Let it be."
I whine and turn my head. "You don't know me at all if you believe this is something I can do."
"I would have never imagined you doing half the things you did over last week. You're not obliged to remain the same all your life." His habitual smirk can't mask the gloom in his eyes. "We're karking it all anyway, the least we can do is enjoy ourselves."
"We're not obliged to head toward destruction either," I whisper, stunned by the way his feeling of inevitable, imminent catastrophe, matches mine.
"Aren't we?" Anakin asks and kisses me with unexpected, unusual tenderness.
Our half opened mouths move slowly one against the other as we centre on what is flowing through our Bond. I let him search me, exposing fears, wounds and needs. Light and Darkness.
"All this sorrow..." He whispers, his lips hovering over my own. He cups my face with his cold palm. "Stop being sad... Please."
Simple words that make me crumble, just because nobody has ever acknowledged this before.
He gently pushes me down on my sleeping bag and curls against my back, hiding his face in the crook of my neck.
I'm wordless, yet I do nothing to get free from his hug. I just lay there, tense and still like an idiot, as he mingles our limbs in the quilted bag, quietly digging through blankets and clothes to find my skin with his icy fingers. His Signature envelops mine; it soothes burns, fills cracks, reassuring and asphyxiating all at the same time.
"You should pretend to relax a little, at least." Anakin strokes my chest to warm himself up and nuzzles the back of my head.
Then, disappointed by my lack of response. "This is more complicated than sex to you, isn't it?"
"Let's just say I wouldn't have imagined you could find new ways to make me awkward."
"Still, I've not been kicked out yet. I'm starting to think you complain just so you can do what you want without admitting you like it." He sniggers into my hair. "Say it. Tell me it's not so bad... Warm and cosy."
"Your icy cold hand is not cosy," I quickly deflect, even though it's achieving inappropriate responses from my body, just from caressing my abdomen.
"Message received, you're not going to enjoy this," Anakin sighs. "Though, I'm sure you held me like this a couple of times when I was a youngling. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't sleep all night, and I yearned to ask you to do it again for months."
"Really? Can't remember."
Not long after his arrival, he would often breakdown, smashing everything in his room through tears of frustration. I patiently tried lecturing, ignoring, grounding. In the end, I gave up and resolved in hugging. He immediately calmed down, and we fell asleep like that several times. I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, but I was about to panic, and more than happy it worked.
I was a wreck those days, and needed it as much as him, though I acted like I was barely tolerating it.
Nothing changes.
"I wish I had the guts to take what I wanted from you sooner," he says with a melancholic, sensual voice. His lips on my neck cause me to shiver, his fingers tracing over the hair below my navel. "I longed for more of you all my life, and now-"
Anakin trails off, and I'm torn on whether I want to hear the rest or not.
He's reacting to my closeness, and the simmer in my loins intensifies; his wanting makes me reconsider my morals. I long to grab his wrist, drive his hand lower and let him quench what strifes inside me.
"Sleep now," I tell him, after a battle of composure with myself.
Anakin slides his hip away by a fraction with a loud sigh.
"Goodnight, Master," he says, and lightly kisses just below my jaw.
Editing: CoreWorlds