The Uncanny Spider-Man

Chapter 21: Aunt May Is Dating WHO!?

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to Marvel.

Times Square-

It was a typical day in Times Square. People were driving through the area slowly, but surely. All seemed right with the world. That was until something huge and scaly burst through the ground, making the already sluggish traffic grind to a halt. Fortunately, some of New York's resident heroes were on hand to send the giant monster on its way. However, these heroes weren't the Fantastic Four. They were out of town, most probably taking a jaunt in the Negative Zone, or fighting Doctor Doom in Latveria. Again. The Avengers were on the scene to send the giant monster home.

Spider-Man swung along on a web line as some of his fellow Avengers made their own way there. Whether they were flying under their own steam, as it was in Thor's case, or whether they were sitting in one of the Avengers' Quinjets, as was the case with She-Hulk, Squirrel Girl, and Captain America.

The giant monster, undoubtedly one of the Mole Man's pets, let out a fierce roar as it saw the approaching heroes. It picked up a petrol tanker that had fallen on its side and pitched it at the Quinjet. Fortunately, Spidey was ready with a web line.

'Jeez, watch it! You could have somebody's eye out with that thing!' The Wall-Crawler quipped as he swung the tanker around his head. He then let the web line go, sending the tanker high in the sky.

'The God of Thunder has been away from fair Midgard for quite some time…' A confused Thor frowned as he landed on the ground beside Spidey. 'But has the Mole Man not reformed?'

'More or less.' Captain America replied as he and the rest of the Avengers disembarked from the Quinjet. 'I don't see any reason why one of his monsters would be running amuck again.'

'Perhaps it's just a naughty pet.' Squirrel Girl suggested. 'I get it all the time with my squirrel chums. Why, there's this one squirrel living in Central Park that keeps on trying to steal my nut sacks.'

'Pfff!' She-Hulk covered her mouth in an attempt to conceal her laughter. 'Heh. Nut sacks.'

'A little professionalism if you would, Jen?' Cap admonished the Jade Giantess. 'We do have a situation here, remember?'

'Well, how exactly do we stop something like this trashing the place?' Spidey asked, indicating the giant monster with a wave of his hand. 'I left my Spider-Monster Repellent in my other pants.'

'Allow me, fellow Avengers…' Thor offered as he stepped up to the monster and held up his enchanted hammer. 'One swift blow from the mighty Mjolnir will send yon monster back to whichever pit it didst originate from.'

'Ooh, this is gonna hurt…' She-Hulk winced as she saw the Thunder God do his thing.

'By my father's beard, I smite thee!' Thor bellowed as he swung Mjolnir down onto the monster's foot. The monster roared in pain and clutched its wounded foot. Spidey then made his move as he shot a web line around the creature's other leg.

'A little help?' The Web-Slinger grunted as he struggled to topple the monster.

'Allow me…' She-Hulk smirked as she dusted off her hands and took the web line from Spidey. With one swift yank, the Jade Giantess pulled the creature's free leg form under it, sending it falling back down into the hole that it had come out from.

'You always did make feel feel like a 98-pound weakling, Shulkie.' Spidey sighed dramatically.

'Well, that wasn't really fair.' Squirrel Girl sniffed. 'I didn't even get to fight. There wasn't any need for me to come here.'

'Aww, sure there was, kid.' She-Hulk smiled as she ruffled the younger heroine's hair. 'You had to come along, you're one of the cornerstones of the URM-verse.'

'Umm, Jen? you're doing it again.' Cap pointed out. 'You're breaking the fourth wall.'

'Aww, nertz.' She-Hulk groaned. 'I thought I got over that problem.'

Back at Avengers Mansion-

Once the Avengers were sure that the authorities could handle the clear up operation, everybody returned to the mansion.

'Well, I'm happy that we managed to get rid of all that graffiti that our friend from Cleveland sprayed all over the Quinjet.' Cap breathed a sigh of relief as he walked down the corridor with Spidey. 'Luckily, it didn't take much to wash it all off.'

'Poor Jarvis.' Spidey shook his head. 'The guys does all of the dirty jobs for us. Don't you think it's about time he took a break? No offence or anything, but he isn't getting younger.'

'I agree with everything you've just said, Peter…' Cap nodded. 'But Jarvis just wouldn't have it. Tony tried to give him a few days off once, but he just wouldn't listen. He says that he's happy doing all of our dirty jobs.'

'The guy needs a girlfriend to take his mind off everything.' Spidey quipped, only half-seriously. Cap chuckled at that.

'Say, wouldn't it be funny if he and your Aunt May…?'

Spidey shot the Sentinel of Liberty a withering glare.

'Do. Not.Joke. About that!'

'I was just trying a little levity, is all.' Cap held his hands up in defence.

'Well, don't.' Spidey retorted. 'I'm gonna go upstairs and have a shower. Aunt May wants to talk to me about something.'

Cap knew better than to continue teasing the Wall-Crawler, but unfortunately for everybody's Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Man, Wonder Man walked up and decided to have a go.

'Jarvis and May up a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G…'

Later-

Peter had changed into his civvies and was in the sitting room with Mary Jane, Little May, Aunt May, Tony Stark, and Jarvis. Aunt May had something important to tell her nephew.

Peter wrung his hands nervously. Aunt May had a history of heart problems. He hoped that it wasn't anything like that. Aunt May meant the world to him. He didn't know what he'd do if Aunt May was taken from him.

'Well, I for one am wondering why we were called here.' Tony was the first one to say anything. 'Wait… This isn't some Agatha Christie thing, is it? With Jarvis taking the place of Hercule Poirot and May as Miss Marple?'

'Oh, don't be sill, Tony.' May chuckled. 'My, you do have such an active imagination sometimes.'

'Well, why have you called us all here?' Mary Jane asked. Little May was sitting on her red-and-blue blankie hugging her favourite cuddly Thing doll. 'Tony's right, this is starting to seem an awful lot like a drawing room murder mystery.'

'It was the Scarlet Witch in the kitchen with the candlestick.' Peter quipped. 'But seriously, what is it you wanted to tell us?'

'Well, I wasn't the only one that wanted to tell you this…' May stated. 'Edwin?'

Peter's eyes widened in surprise as he put two and two together. Mary Jane and Tony's reactions were much more positive, however.

'Jarvis, you old son of a gun!' Tony laughed as he shook his butler's hand. 'I never knew you had it in you!'

'Well, I do have a life outside of this mansion you know, sir.' Jarvis smiled. 'May and I just seemed to hit it off. We have so many similar interests.'

'I think it's sweet that you've found somebody after so long.' Mary Jane congratulated May with a gentle hug.

May then noticed that Peter was a little solemn.

'Peter, sweetie? Is everything alright?'

'Uh… yeah.' Peter smiled uncertainly. 'It's just… this is a lot to take in.'

'I understand that you're worried about me.' May comforted her nephew. 'Seeing how in the last relationship I had, I almost married Doctor Octopus, and all. But there's really no need to worry. I may be old, but I can look after myself. Now, cheer yourself up or you won't get any wheat cakes.'

Peter couldn't help but smile at that. If there was anything that cheered him up, it was his aunt's wheat cakes. Tony looked over at the slightly more cheerful Wall-Crawler.

'Your aut nearly married Doctor Octopus? Oh, I have to hear this! How did that happen?'

TBC…

Next: Spidey's Amazing Friends

Spidey teams up with Iceman and Firestar to take on the all-new Spider Slayer.