Kyle finds comfort with Amanda.
(05Jan08)

(Previous chapter: Thresholds)

Chapter 21:
Confessions

Kyle looked around Amanda's house as she led him by the hand quietly up the stairs towards her room. He had never been this far inside before. The walls were much barer than in the Tragers' house, with sparse paintings and just a few framed photographs. He caught sight of one of Amanda. He stopped to look at it, causing Amanda to come to an abrupt halt halfway up the stairs. He gazed at the happy young girl in the picture; the man who was hugging her from behind had light hair and sparkling eyes. Her eyes. Kyle knew without a doubt that this was Amanda's father. He gazed with fascination at the face he'd never seen.

"That was the last photo of us together," Amanda said, ever so quietly, as she tugged Kyle's hand and continued up the stairs on tiptoes.

He finally dragged his eyes away from the photo as his arm extended fully under her gentle pressure. He looked up at her and an image flashed through his mind like a movie. He heard Amanda laughing and…he blinked and pushed it aside. Then there was a stabbing sensation in his chest as he felt the intensity of how much she missed her dad. Kyle almost recoiled, which reinforced his awareness of just how hypersensitive he was lately. When Amanda reached the top of the stairs she surreptitiously glanced around, put her finger over her lips at Kyle then tugged him towards a room to the left at the end of a long hallway. Once they were both inside, she released his hand and closed the door gently, wincing as it clicked shut.

Kyle felt strange. He'd never been in Amanda's room before, except in his mind every night since discovering he could reach out and hear her heartbeat. A soft, pink glow seemed to emanate from everywhere as he looked around in silence. It was a warm, welcoming room after the chill of the wind outside. Or was it Amanda that was warm and welcoming? His eyes came to rest on a small photo of Mrs. Bloom on the bedside table. He knew that her mother didn't allow Amanda to have boys in the bedroom; Charlie had always been confined downstairs and she didn't like Kyle in the house at all – though he had to admit she had been somewhat more tolerant of his presence since the whole episode with Amanda's treasured necklace.

He pulled his eyes away from the photo; he felt like Mrs. Bloom was watching him. "Your mom won't like this," he said seriously, turning to Amanda.

She unconsciously looked at her door. "Which is why you have to be out of here no later than 5.30 – my mom's usually up at 6 a.m. - that gives us an hour," Amanda whispered then winced. "And please, Kyle, try to keep your voice down."

"Sorry," he said in an especially drawn out, quiet whisper.

If he hadn't looked so worried, Amanda would have found it funny. She guided him to her sofa and they both sat. Kyle stared at his hands in his lap and swallowed. Amanda's presence was distracting him from telling her what he needed to. He could feel her eyes burning into him. It was a feeling he wasn't sure he disliked, but neither was he sure that it felt good. It was Amanda who spoke first.

"Are you okay? I mean really okay?" she asked tentatively.

Kyle gazed into her worried eyes and found himself in the same dilemma he usually found himself in with people, especially those he cared about. He desperately wanted to nod and say he was fine, because he didn't want her to worry; but he had come here to confess that he had been keeping things from her; that he had been lying to everybody about his past. He wanted to set the record straight between them; she deserved the truth. And the truth was: he wasn't okay. He wasn't okay at all.

"No," he stated simply, and felt a pang of guilt as her brow creased further with concern.

"Kyle," she hesitated, clearly trying to find the right words. "I'm not okay either."

His eyes grew wide. His mind began to put up internal shields against the pain he suspected was coming. He swallowed down the lump in his throat. He wanted to pull his eyes away from hers, but forced himself to face her. He deserved whatever she was about to throw at him.

Amanda noticed the change in his expression. She had learned a lot of his expressions over the one year she had known him, and this one she knew pretty well, only now it seemed more intense than she'd ever noticed before. He was more intense than ever before.

"I should've trusted you with Jessi," she confessed. "But the truth is: I didn't. Not inside. In that weird underground place in the woods, Jessi was really in my face about how you and her 'shared a connection', and she couldn't understand what you see in me. She told me she wanted you."

"What?" Kyle's heart skipped a beat. This wasn't what he'd expected. "Did she say what she wanted me for?"

Amanda sagged in her seat, still amazed at Kyle's genuine naiveté, and said, "Well, no! I assumed she meant she, you know, wanted to be with you." Kyle's face actually went blank. Amanda rolled her eyes. "You know, boyfriend and girlfriend kind of 'be with you'?"

Kyle's expression changed to one of shock. This was so out of his predicted orbit, he was struggling badly. "Jessi said that?"

Amanda nodded. "And when I told her that you were with me, she got all intense and said it wasn't supposed to be that way; that once you two spent time together, you would understand that. So I thought…when I saw you both after the charity event…and…then you went after her yesterday…and when Lori said…"

"It's okay," Kyle interjected, shocked and uncomfortable. "I get it now."

Amanda was quick to continue. "But even though I was really angry and upset earlier, I've spent all night thinking about things."

Something was prodding the other side of the defenses Kyle had put up. He gazed at Amanda, unable to gather his thoughts as he watched her exquisite mouth open to speak again.

"I thought about all the amazing things you've said and done," she continued, "and I realized that I shouldn't listen to what other people say. Sometimes it's better not to listen to your head at all, but to follow your heart." Something lurched deep inside Kyle's memory, but he was too absorbed with Amanda to deal with it. Her voice was like music to him. "And I'm sorry I was too jealous to see that Jessi really was a troubled person, and you were telling me the truth about trying to help her." Amanda fixed him with her beautiful, shining eyes and finished with, "I should know you by now, Kyle. I should know you wouldn't lie to me."

Kyle's heart pounded with anxiety and his mouth went dry. The terrible taste of guilt began to taint the back of his throat. A ball of nausea rolled around somewhere in his gut. Shame burned his cheeks as he tore his eyes away from Amanda and stared fiercely at his hands as they nervously gripped the fabric of his pajama pants. He dug his fingers into his thighs; the pain gave him something else to focus on. With his last drop of courage, Kyle willed himself to look once more look into the eyes of the girl he…loved…and tell her the truth about everything. She was still eyeing him, her expression changing with every second he was silent.

"Amanda," he croaked then cleared his tightening throat. "I have been lying. And I have been…keeping secrets," he confessed and instantly regretted that he hadn't put it a different way. He could see the horror forming behind her eyes. She shook her head almost imperceptibly.

"You…have?" she said in a small voice.

"But not just from you, from everybody, even myself sometimes!" Kyle continued quickly in a failed attempt to soften the blow. "But it was necessary."

Amanda sat back; Kyle could read her body language without the aid of his special abilities. He hated himself for having hurt her, but he had to explain everything before she told him to get out. He felt sick as he shifted his body so that he faced her more squarely.

"Please hear me out," he pleaded to her with every part of his being. She simply nodded dumbly. Kyle could feel her emotional defenses going up. Her heart rate had increased and he could feel her tears forming somewhere inside. Then he felt the steel of her willpower cut in and a new feeling emerged. Her emotional strength astounded him. She tore her eyes from his and he felt a terrible wave of dizziness. He squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for the strength to get this over with so he could leave before the uncontrollable inner force showed itself again. Amanda's voice made him open his eyes. She was looking at him again, only now the hard edge of defensiveness had gone.

"Okay," she whispered – whether to herself or to him he wasn't sure – and took a very deep breath. "I spent hours promising myself that I wasn't going to make snap judgments anymore, that I would try to gather all the information before reaching my conclusions. Charlie betrayed me, Kyle, but I can't believe you would do the same. So tell me the truth and stop trying to protect me, because I need to believe that's the only reason you would lie."

Kyle felt a surge of relief well up inside himself. She did know him! The strength of her faith in him seemed to flood him with light. He didn't know how she would take what she was going to hear, but he had to respect her right to hear it.

"Amanda, it is the only reason," he said firmly. "And I'm not asking you to understand any of what I'm about to tell you, just that you listen. It's really important to me that you know the truth, because…" His voice trailed off.

"Because?" she prompted.

Kyle swallowed into, "Because you're really important to me."

And like a lighthouse in a storm, Amanda smiled her light on him and made the way clearer. His heart juddered in his chest, urging him to smile back. He lowered his own defenses just enough to let her warmth inside and he felt a smile forming on his face. It felt somewhat unfamiliar after the sadness and despair of the last couple of days, but incredibly healing, too. It reminded him of when they'd first met after he'd let himself into the Blooms' house and watched Amanda playing the piano. While her mom had ranted at Nicole, Amanda had smiled kindly at him. Somehow she had known he had meant her no harm, even then. He hoped she still felt that way. He let himself relax enough to lean back on the sofa and took a very slow, deep breath.

He cupped Amanda's hands in his own as he began to tell her the whole story about his creation and all the subsequent events up to this very point in time. He watched her expression changing as he related the details of why he had kept so much from her, and why it was important that she didn't tell anyone else about him. He found that once he'd started, it was so much easier talking to Amanda than it had been when telling his family. Even though she interrupted him now and then to ask a question, or to get him to repeat things, or tell him to keep his voice down, it never felt awkward like it had with the Tragers. Amanda had always been especially accepting of him, right from the beginning. He told her about Lori's reaction, Jessi's betrayal, and subsequent appearance in his head.

He told Amanda so many things he hadn't told anyone before. And as he did so, his mind began to comprehend something he had puzzled over in one of their numerous conversations about her Catholic faith. He realized that Confession wasn't about shaming, blaming, punishment, or simply about clearing the conscience. It was about reinforcing the healing power of honesty, and taking responsibility. Amanda wasn't an honest person simply because she feared what would happen if she weren't; she was honest because it made her comfortable about who she was; and being comfortable with who she was made her responsible. Kyle realized he needed that desperately, because right now he wasn't at all comfortable with who he was. He wasn't even sure what he was.

That's when he felt the tears start to pool in the corners of his eyes. There was nothing he could do to hide them, but for once he didn't try to. They were honest tears. He was tired and he was scared. It felt good to let go of the tension. He also realized, as he caressed Amanda's slender fingers, that he didn't really care what she did or said to him. He realized that she could do anything at all and he would still feel the same about her. He loved her, and he could feel himself opening up to her; he was truly following his heart. That realization pinched him and he broke free of his thoughts to wipe at his eyes with the back of a hand, too distressed to take on the memory of Jessi that was beating against his defenses like a bird at the window glass. He ignored it. His head dropped and he fixed his eyes on their hands, entwined and resting on his knees.

There was a very long pause before Amanda said, "Wow. That's a lot to deal with, huh?"

Kyle nodded his agreement with a sniff.

"I'm really proud of you for coping so well. And for being so brave," Amanda continued.

Kyle looked up in astonishment. "But Amanda, I'm not coping so well. And I'm really not so brave."

"Oh, you are, Kyle. Believe me, you are," she smiled at him. "But after everything you've told me, you've never once told me where you fit in."

He unconsciously cocked his head to one side and his eyes begged her to explain. "Yes, I have," he said. "I've told you as much as I know."

She shifted into a more comfortable position and said, quite seriously, "You can do all these amazing things. And people have been fighting for you, and against you, and against each other, to control and manipulate you into doing what they feel is your destiny. But how do you really feel about it all? You never talk about your feelings, Kyle." She raised a hand to his face and thumbed away some of the wetness before continuing. "You need to stop being afraid of who you are, because you are amazing; but you can't make everybody happy at the same time no matter how fast your brain works. It seems to me that's why you're in this mess."

Kyle was entranced by her composure. He hung onto every word she said, committing every moment to memory. He knew she was onto something. "Since when did you become so wise?" he asked her quietly.

She smiled and gently traced the line of his jaw with her fingers. "You really want to know?" He nodded eagerly. "Since knowing you."

Kyle didn't know what to say. He'd never thought of himself as particularly wise. Smart, maybe, but never wise. And Amanda's touch was very distracting.

"You need to stop thinking about what everybody else needs and wants. Your needs and wants are important too," she said softly and lowered her hand from his face.

Kyle frowned. "The last time I got what I needed and wanted, it caused hurt to everyone I care about."

Amanda knew that he was referring to coming back to live with the Tragers after leaving Adam Baylin's. That whole thing freaked her out. Why would they make Kyle witness his 'death'? How sick! They could've spared him that.

"But your leaving like that hurt us all a lot more," Amanda reassured him.

She was amazing him more with every word. "I never thought of it that way," he murmured, feeling a little disturbed. She always had a way of making him see things differently.

"Well, you should, because it's the truth. I can't speak for everybody, but personally, I don't care where you came from or how different you are. You're here now, and even without all those other amazing things you can do…you have the most important ability of all, Kyle: you have a soul that touches people."

Kyle gasped as her words triggered the memory of Adam in his study. He tried to shut it off, but it continued to play in his head until Adam said those similar words, then it shifted to a memory he'd never seen before. He was standing, no, Adam was standing with a woman with long brown hair. He couldn't see her face, but they were holding hands. Kyle stepped into the scene, as his holographic memory usually allowed, but it suddenly shut off and whipped back behind the locked door before he could grasp it.

"Kyle?" Amanda's voice brought him back.

"Y-yes?" he stammered, perplexed.

Amanda smiled again. "Anyway, you need to believe more in yourself. My dad told me that we can all make things happen to our advantage if we really believe."

"How?" Kyle asked, losing himself in her eyes.

She noticed his intense gaze, and her cheeks grew hot. "You think about what you really want and you make it happen."

Kyle processed what she had said and almost whispered, "Change within, change the world around you."

"What was that?" Amanda asked, having barely heard him.

Kyle shook himself internally and said, "Something Adam once said."

"Kyle? Have you heard a word I've said?" Amanda was sure he'd gone into some kind of trance; his expression was so intense.

Kyle felt himself falling further and further into Amanda's eyes. Their gaze rolled over him repeatedly, like surf on a beach; soothing yet holding the potential to cause great harm to him. If he weren't who he was, he would have drowned in them by now. Her vibration hummed in his head and he could feel her heart beating from where he sat. He opened himself up a little more to take in as much of her as he dared. She was like a drug. He thought about what she'd said about considering his own feelings now and then. He wondered if she trusted him enough to let him try. He wondered if he trusted her enough. He'd never really asserted his own feelings before; other people's usually came first for him. Her eyes seemed to be encouraging him. He blinked. Was he misreading them?

Then he bit the bullet Declan was always referring to, raised both his hands to Amanda's face and combed his fingers backwards through her hair all the way to the ends. It felt soft and silky like dipping his fingers into warm water.

"What are you doing?" Amanda said in surprise a bit too loudly and clapped a hand over her mouth.

Kyle seemed lost as he murmured, "I'm doing what you said. I'm following my own feelings." Then he did it again, savoring every last sensation of every strand of hair that ran through his fingers. "I've wanted to do this since the first time I saw you," he whispered as he curled more strands around his fingers. It was electrifying. He felt the butterflies in his tummy that Nicole had described to him once as he ran the fingers of his right hand lightly along Amanda's perfect collarbone, all the way to her shoulder. Her skin was as soft and warm as he'd imagined, and she trembled at his touch.

She smiled bashfully. "It feels nice." She could feel the energy radiating from him.

Kyle raised his eyes and seemed to drink in every millimeter of her face before coming to rest on her mouth. She found herself looking back at his. It felt to Kyle like there was a giant magnet inside her mouth that he was helpless to resist as it pulled him closer. He was a fish on Amanda's hook, totally at her mercy until she chose to release him. He didn't care. Every nerve in his body was waking up to the energy passing between them, and Amanda wasn't backing off. He had only ever fantasized about this feeling, and had certainly not expected to experience it when he'd climbed from his window earlier on. There was a stirring inside him so intense that he knew no amount of grapefruit, real or imagined, would make it go away.

He cupped Amanda's face, with his hands still holding strands of her hair, and pressed his mouth firmly against hers. He had never dared to kiss her before; she had always been the one to initiate it. She didn't pull away. Did that mean she didn't mind? He continued to follow his feelings. He teased her lips gently with his tongue, as she had done to him before, and he sent every tendril of what he was feeling into her through his kiss. Amanda felt it and trembled. Everything Kyle had never been able to say to her centered into that kiss in a heartbeat and it fell into sync with her own. It was like he was touching her very soul. He reached out with his heart and he knew that she felt no threat, no force, no fear, and that made him happy. As he caressed her with his mouth, he felt Amanda begin to open up to him, but as soon as she snaked her arms around his neck and began to return his kiss, he jolted and his eyes snapped open.

Something inside him collapsed and he suddenly pulled away and stood up in one fast, fluid movement. He stumbled a couple of steps backwards and scanned all around, disoriented and flustered. His retreat was so fast that Amanda had almost fallen over on the sofa. She scrambled to regain her balance.

"Kyle, what's wrong?" she gasped, confused and a little hurt.

Kyle's eyes were wild and his breathing heavy. "I think someone's…" he hesitated, bewildered. "…watching us."

Amanda looked around, bemused, but worried. Now that she knew about Kyle, she couldn't disregard his behavior as merely the idiosyncrasies of a boy genius; she knew his abilities were beyond her comprehension and she trusted him. Kyle's head began to pound. It was disorienting, but not excruciatingly painful like it had been before. His heart was still beating fast and the room was spinning. He stared up at the ceiling and cocked his head from side to side slowly, scanning. He couldn't tell where the feeling was coming from, but it beat down into his brain mercilessly. Things began to vibrate in the room and Amanda grew frightened and jumped to her feet with a squeal. Then Kyle's head snapped down and he spun again, trying to trace the energy signature that was burning into the core of his being. Kyle reeled as the floor seemed to tilt. He reached out and grabbed Amanda's forearms to stop himself falling over, digging his fingers into her skin in desperation.

"Ow! Kyle are you okay?" her voice was shaking. Kyle couldn't focus. "Kyle! Please! You're hurting me!" Amanda cried as his fingers tightened their grip.

Suddenly the door opened and Mrs. Bloom stood on the threshold in her nightclothes. "Amanda? What's the–" her words caught in her throat as her worried eyes took in the scene before her.

Kyle Trager was in her daughter's bedroom in his pajamas, the pants of which did little to hide his state of arousal. He was holding Amanda roughly by the arms, though he seemed not to notice as he continued to sway and stare at the ceiling. Amanda looked over her shoulder at the sound of the door opening, and her heart leapt into her throat as she realized what her mother was going to think.

"Mom, no! It's not what you think! There's something wrong with Kyle!" she tried to defend him.

Mrs. Bloom pursed her lips, partly in terror, but a bigger part in outrage, and took a few steps into the room.

"He was one of Nicole Trager's mental patients, Amanda, of course there's something wrong with him!" she snapped, her eyes never leaving Kyle.

Amanda panicked. "Please, Mom. Listen to me! It really isn't like that!"

Kyle suddenly seemed to come back to reality as his eyes fell on Mrs. Bloom. He released Amanda's arms immediately and stared down at his own hands then below them at his erection. Looking back up at Mrs. Bloom's horrified face, he grimaced as he felt her thoughts crash into him. It took his breath away and he grunted as he braced himself. With a final glance at Amanda he stumbled from the room. Everything stopped shaking the instant he left.

"It's not what you think!" Amanda screamed at her mother as she pushed past her in pursuit of Kyle. "And if you call the police I'll never forgive you!"

Mrs. Bloom stood in shock, unsure whether what she'd just witnessed had been a nightmare during which she'd sleepwalked into Amanda's room.

oooOooo

Kyle burst from the house and half fell down the porch steps into the front yard. He spun slowly, scanning, reaching out with his mind, trying to pinpoint the source of the energy he felt flooding into him. Someone was inside his mind. Only Jessi could get inside his mind, he told himself. "Jessi?" he called out, scanning the immediate boundaries. Where was she? Then Amanda was there, walking up to him.

"Kyle what's going on?" She took his hand, a fearful look on her face as she also looked around nervously.

As soon as she touched him the channels in Kyle's mind burst open and feelings rushed into him from every angle. He cried out and resisted the urge to let his legs go from under him as he struggled to stop it all spinning totally out of control. He didn't want to frighten Amanda, but more than anything he didn't want to hurt her. He channeled all his energy into locking onto the source of the energy signature that was playing havoc with his mind. He was not going to let Jessi get away from him again.

Suddenly there it was, hovering above him against the dawn sky! He locked onto the rippling ribbon of energy and followed it as it spiraled down and around. His eyes widened as they came to rest on Amanda. It was her. It was coming from her! Had Amanda somehow managed to trigger something inside him? He probed and found the wall inside his mind had weakened a bit. It couldn't be!

In a final act of desperation, Kyle took Amanda's face gently in his hands and with all the honesty he could muster, he reached out with his mind. He immediately sensed her fear and confusion, though she didn't resist him. Maybe she didn't sense him. Maybe he was wrong about the energy signature; after all, his mind was chaotic. He looked at Amanda and tested their connection as he focused his feelings and sent them towards her. He had hoped to send love, gentleness and trust, but all he was feeling at that moment was dizziness, confusion and fear for her safety. He felt her heart rate change and she began to respond, sending back her own version of the same feelings towards him. It was coming from Amanda, though he was certain she didn't realize it.

Suddenly Jessi's words from his encounter with her earlier on rang in his ears: It's interesting how much power Amanda has over you.

"What have I done?" he said out loud, as his hands dropped away from Amanda's face. He took several steps backwards. He thought he saw her mouth moving, but he couldn't hear what she was saying.

Then his heart almost stopped in his chest as he sucked in a huge gasp. His encounter with Jessi was all falling into place. Jessi already knew what Kyle had only just discovered for himself! His ultimate vulnerability was his love for Amanda, because his feelings for her were the most intense. If Jessi told Madacorp that Amanda was somehow key to accessing whatever was behind Kyle's firewall Amanda would be in terrible danger.

Remembering Jessi's final words made his blood run cold: If you really want to help me, follow your heart. He held his head as everything inside him shifted to within a few degrees of insanity. Following his own stupid feelings had put Amanda in the worst danger of all: Jessi.

The hardest lesson came back to haunt him; he obviously hadn't learned it well enough.

(Next chapter: Fallout)