Disclaimer: I don't own anything from the CSI franchise. I play with the characters but unfortunately I can't keep them. Otherwise, I'd have a few of them chained to a bed in my non-existent basement and you should be glad I don't own it because I'd add so many hook ups that they would have to change its name to Grey's Anatomy j/k.
A/N: Any of you have allergies? I've started on a vaccine to diminish/nullify my allergy to the accari of dust (those microscopic spiders that live everywhere). It's a 5 year treatment that luckily living in spain is pretty inexpensive. Yay socialised health care! XD My allergologist isn't happy that I still have a cat and I let her sleep with me but some battles you won't ever win XP Last week Morgan broke down and accepted she has a problem and the chappie ended with a kiss. Today we start right off where we left it only from Morgan's perspective. I'm scared my dear reviewers have high expectations on me that I'm not going to be able to completely fulfil but here I go.
I send virtual hugs, kisses, glomps and the lot to you wonderful readers who continue following my story and reviewing, following and favouriting it. I have specially liked reading your interpretations and prophecies about what's next. Also, the one of you who thinks one day I'll kill her from a shock *big creepy grin* I'd never imagined that I would get more than 20 reviews (and that was being hyper optimist!) and now this story has 50+ Thank so you much. Well, let's get it on XD
Morgan's POV
It was a delicate kiss, full of love and longing. Fear and relief. Sweet but decided.
She reciprocated it tentatively. Still raw from her insecurities. Her psyche, a jigsaw puzzle without a reference photo. The touch of his lips, the roughness of his five o'clock shadow, his warm presence, ... It all brought feelings of love, safety and familiarity. He was an anchor, stability in the middle of the chaos and her mind had certainly been chaotic not mere minutes ago.
She had felt like an unstable building that the firemen considered too risky to enter but that was still standing out of sheer force of will. The spell of the delusion had easily broken like a glass smashing against the cold floor of reality. It had been the drop of water that finally drowned her. She had started unraveling and didn't even dare to object to what little she heard about Hodges calling his dad. She felt so utterly broken.
Then he had gently coaxed her to tell him everything. At first she had felt it would be better to die than confess everything that had happened but his face really contained no judgement. She started talking and little by little, as words and repressed emotions left her mouth, she felt calmer but kind of ashamed. His silliness was contagious and it eased her feeling of guilt but it could not dissipate it. She needed to make amends with quite a few people including the one before her.
It was hard stopping a nice kiss and not just deepen it and fuck responsibility. Even more so when it had you moaning and panting and feeling you had too many clothes on... but she summoned all her willpower and gently suppressed the kiss, softly pushing him away putting some needed distance between the temptation and her.
Hodges looked a bit puzzled and his eyes were slightly glazed by desire. He shot her a questioning glance and she tried not to drag the answer.
-"This isn't a good ground to establish a relationship" -she told him with sad eyes -"Even if you say you don't judge me and that you don't mind the things I said to you. I do, a lot. I shouldn't have treated you like that and I need some time to fix things. I want there to be an us in the future but I think we should wait and then take it slow". She didn't want to wait but everything had been such a mess and she wasn't going to spoil everything again.
-"I know you are right" -he nudged her arm sympathetically -"I just couldn't resist myself but I promise to behave from now on" -he said with a sheepish smile -"What I won't promise ever is to stay away from you when you need help" -he was so serious when he said that.
-"I know and that's something I really like about you. People don't often realize how loyal you are" -she gave him a small gentle smile.
-"This isn't about being loyal or not! I love you and I..." -they both flinched at what he had just said -"Oh great!" -he sighed -"I had just promised to behave myself and I'm overwhelming you with love declarations" -he said cynically.
She kept quiet. It wasn't like she didn't love him but she wasn't ready to say it back. Morgan tried to convince herself it was just bad timing but part of her was feeling really pessimistic.
-"Bad bad boy" -she punched him lightly on the shoulder trying to defuse the situation with a joke.
He smiled in return but it felt phony and he looked as down as she was feeling at the moment.
The silence that followed was a bit tense. They both felt awkward and to an outsider they would look like silly kids imitating fishes because every time they thought of something to revive the conversation they would open their mouths, hesitate and finally close them without uttering a single word. They had morphed into trouts.
It still took a long while but luckily the police car came to put them out of their misery. They had their sirens and lights off because in that neighbourhood the opposite could mean courting trouble. The two policewomen exited the car with their hands lingering over their belts in case they had drawn unwanted attention. They approached them slowly and Hodges had his identification out before they even had to ask.
The brunette policewoman gestured towards the back seats and apologised for the state in which they were. They had been transporting a criminal into booking when they were tasked with fetching them. The heads up were welcomed because it smelled like a rat had died beneath the upholstery. She half expected Hodges to make a fuss about unsanitary conditions of an official vehicle but he was just looking out of the window deep in thought.
It irked her to see him behave so un-Hodges-like, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers"-vibe. She wanted to pick his brain to see what was going on but he was looking so pensive and they weren't alone. Those minutes she had spent doubting what to say felt completely wasted now. The woman at the wheel started making small talk. She seemed like one of those people who don't handle silence very well and need to fill it with anything. Morgan didn't begrudge her this as it actually made the time go faster and took her mind away from thinking about how it would be to face her father and tell him everything.
She had managed to avoid thinking about she was going to say to her dad and about the future. Should she go to a psychiatrist to deal with her nightmares? Would they lock her up for her own protection and the safety of others? She shuddered at the thought. Would it be an indelible black mark on her CSI file and prevent her from doing field work? D.B would probably accept her apologies, he was a good boss but it may be out of his hands... Would she be able to be happy locked in the Lab? Hodges was happy there.
She again looked at her companion but instead of having his face stuck to the glass he was now staring at her. Their looks crossed and both were startled like two teenagers sneaking glances at each other during a boring lecture.
She didn't know what Hodges had been thinking or if it was because he had seen what she was dreading on her eyes but he took her hand in his and stroked her thumb gently over her palm. It was soothing and, although it didn't prevent from continuing to freak out, it made her feel a bit better.
Hodges' POV
The moving landscape of downtrodden buildings of the illegal gambling area made a perfect backdrop for the self-punishment going on inside his head.
He had really missed kissing her. It felt as natural as putting on his lab coat or turning on the Mass Spect and infinitely more rewarding. He was confounded when she cut it short and a little rejected when she pushed him apart.
A small part of him that never grew up wanted to whine and cry itself to sleep but he was mature enough to realise the truth of her words and he easily suppressed those childish impulses. He was hopeful for them even if fear didn't let go of him completely but he believed they'd make it and come out of it stronger. A solid foundation to their relationship was a worthy goal and he loved that she saw a future with them together possible.
He wanted to reassure her again that he knew she hadn't meant what she had said but he was clever enough to understand she needed time to work through things herself and that absolving someone of guilt wasn't always the best solution, in fact some times it was a horrible one.
And then after being all understanding and agreeing with everything, he dropped the L-bomb because he had been mildly offended that she believed she did these things only out of loyalty. Aughhh. Damn it. Damn it! Goddamnit!
Couldn't he have just closed his mouth. Obviously she didn't say it back. He thought he was lucky she hadn't just vaulted and she decided to just joke about it.
Afterwards it was hell. He couldn't think of anything to say. His smile was more like a grimace. He tried to break the silence several times but he lost courage before even trying. What could he really say? She had just asked for one simple thing and after agreeing he had gone back on his promise instantly. Genious! Yay sarcasm...
The worst of all is that he had been completely serious and now he felt exposed and raw. It scared him shitless. Then the police car arrived and they were "en route".
He spent a good part of the ride mentally flogging himself until he saw Morgan reflection on the glass. Her brow was furrowed and anxiety was etched in all her features. He realised that this trip might feel for her like the one cows take to the slaughterhouse. He knew Conrad would never be too hard on her but she probably didn't and was scared of the encounter. When she caught him staring, he felt his cheeks reddening but caught her hand. He was going to be for her every time she needed him. He had meant that.
Morgan's POV
As with most things one fears, they are usually not so bad. Her father had hugged the air out of her lungs relieved to see her okay. He hadn't even said anything when she had entered hand in hand with David although if looks could kill... She was suddenly happy Hodges didn't work in the field were a stray bullet of friend fire could accidentally injure him. Not that she thought his father would do that... mostly.
She hadn't been able to tell his father everything. How could you tell certain things to the dad who had tucked you into bed when you were little and who had already suffered so much on your account? She at least wasn't able.
He promised her that, even if he had to pull all the favours he was owed and put his sheriff position on the line, she would keep her work as CSI but she counter-claimed that she wouldn't have any of that and that if he tried she would automatically resign. Actually it was him who ended with a resigned face and bubbling something about stubborn daughters.
The point that was non-negotiable was her having a psych evaluation. His dad, Hodges and even D.B. -on conference call- were all in agreement on that. It felt a bit like they were ganging up on her and she still was a bit frightened of the whole maybe being interned thing.
-"Come on sweetheart. You know we are saying this because we care about you" -he still gritted his teeth and shot dirty looks at Hodges at every "we".
-"This feels like an intervention. Do you also have handwritten speeches hidden behind your backs?" -she asked cynically.
-"Morgan" -pleaded David -"You know we wouldn't suggest it if we didn't think it's for the best".
-"Okay, I'll do it" -she tried to look more optimistic than she felt -"But I'd have some plastic handcuffs nearby in case I change of opinion".
That joke fell on deaf ears unsurprisingly...
The next morning she had her appointment, her father had arranged it so she had an early date and he insisted on accompanying her as if she was still a kiddo. Deep down she was grateful. She knew she could count on him even if she didn't admit it to him often. She had an image of the madhouses in the movies and she had an irrational fear of being sent to one like that.
The reception of the posh place her father had chosen had a fruit buffet. While they made time, they had arrived way too early, she started thinking how many people could make the most out of that fruit instead of going bad being mostly ornamental so that a few rich patients could enjoy a nice decoration and free breakfast. Conrad picked an apple to eat while they waited for what felt like an hour.
There was also cake on the receptionist desk. A big fancy three chocolate delicatessen with five slices less. She was staring so intently at the cake that the receptionist offered her a plate with a plastic fork and a big fat slice. She accepted politely and when she complimented the taste, the man told her he had made it himself that same morning before work. That guy would make a lucky girl very happy one day.
She had just finished her doses of serotonin and was feeling more confident when it was time to enter the consult. Her legs started feeling like jellO all of a sudden and her perspiration increased too. Entering the threshold felt like crossing the doors of Dante's Inferno if you like over-dramatic comparisons but inside was just a nice smiling man sitting on a sofa with a notebook on his hand and not beasts or people with their heads on backwards.
The black haired man got up to shake her hand. His handshake was firm and confident.
-"Hello. My name is Sheldon Wallace. Have a seat and tell me in your own words why are you here" -his voice was soothing with a slow cadence.
Ha. He didn't know what he was getting himself into. He should get himself comfortable indeed. It was going to be a long session.
A/N: Sorry for being late again... It is Friday on Europe right now, at least by FFdotNet is still Thursday or I'd feel even more guilty =(
Writing the first paragraphs I felt I was being too pretentious and out of my depth... and afterwards that it was cloyingly sweet... I really did try... Later the characters, specially Hodges decided they were going to kick me in the ass and run the show themselves and soon Morgan stopped listening too and they started doing as they pleased =P Well, what do YOU think? I hope I have not disappointed you guys (too much).
I've gotten a pair of cameos from Private Practice on this (ignore the impossibilities regarding location and timelines) and the first time I wrote Sherlock Wallace instead of Sheldon Wallace... It may be explained because my eyes are half closing themselves XP
Well, have a really wonderful week my lovelies. I'm just going to fall asleep XP