Chapter 21: Keep Your Friends Close
I spent the rest of Saturday morning trying to work the up the nerve to call Kendall. Kate's right, I need to talk to her. I need to explain my side and tell her how I feel. I've been avoiding my problems all week, when I should have just put on my big girl pants and faced them head on. The longer I leave these issues unresolved, the worse they will get.
Reaching into my bedside drawer, I pull out my blackberry. It has lain hidden away in this drawer since Christian and I broke up and I can't bring myself to get rid of it. It's one of the last physical ties that bind me to him and switching back to my old phone would make our current situation all too real.
"Ana," Jose calls from outside my bedroom door. "Babe, can I come in?"
"Just a second," I say, as I yank the pony tail holder out of my hair, pushing the mass of brown tangles over my left shoulder in an attempt to cover the hideous hickey Christian left on my neck. Jose was pissed last night when I left with Christian, and there is no way he'd be as understanding about us hooking up as Kate was. "Come in," I yell once the offending mark is safely hidden away underneath my hair.
Jose walks in and he is as beautiful as ever. He's fresh from the shower, his hair is damp, his tan skin is glowing, and his familiar scent, strawberries, instantly makes me giggle. "Did you use my soap, again?" I accuse between giggles. Jose is a walking contradiction; on the outside, he's tall, athletic and manly, but on the inside, he has this quiet air of femininity that not only makes him a remarkable photographer but also a kind, loving, and devoted friend.
"I couldn't help myself," he grins mischievously. "It smells so damn good." Coming over to the bed, he plops down with a slight bounce and asks, "What'cha doin?"
"I was just about to call Kendall," I frown. "Then I need to run to the store. I'm thinking about switching soaps - strawberry scented body wash is the root of all evil." Had it not been for the body wash, he would probably still be with her, my subconscious sneers, although she's probably right. "Hey, Jose," I start, unsure how to broach this subject.
"Yes?" he eyes me warily, the sound of my voice giving him cause for suspicion.
"When did you last check the mail?" I need to know what that damn letter said.
"Umm, not at all this week, but I'm pretty sure Kate checked it yesterday," he answers, confused by my line of questioning.
"Oh, well ok," I mutter hoping to drop the subject. Nope, didn't think so.
"Why? Are you expecting something from Ray?"
"No. Christian said he sent me a letter but I haven't gotten anything yet." I shrug trying to pretend like this whole letter business hasn't consumed most of my day. I actually intercepted the mailman this afternoon when he dropped off the Saturday delivery. "Maybe Monday."
He rolls his eyes and purses his lips, like he wants to comment, but he decides against it.
"Jesus, Jose, what is your fucking problem?" I snap, impulsively.
"He is my problem, Ana. He's changed you and not for the better." He growls, his words are like a slap in the face, tears prickle in my eyes from the pain. "The Ana I know would never put up with this shit from anyone. The Ana I know is this cool, self-assured girl who is innocent and loyal and exudes a quiet strength." He pauses, digging in his pocket and producing a small digital camera; it's one he carries with him because 'you never know when inspiration will strike.' Turning on the device, he flips through a few pictures until he finds the one he is looking for. "This is the Ana I know," he declares, showing me a picture he took on the day we moved in; my hair is wild and windblown, my eyes shine with naughtiness, and I am flipping off the camera.
"I'm still that girl," I sob, pointing to the picture. "I am just a little sadder right now, that's all. I don't understand why it was ok for Kate to wear her pink bunny pajamas for a month when she broke up with Steve. Or why we weren't allowed to say anything when you took only black and white still life images after Brooklyn dumped you. Or why Kendall was able to hide away for two weeks, barely making contact with the outside world when, well, you know when." I hesitate, not wanting to think about Christian and Kendall right now. "But when I have my heart shattered for the first time, I'm just supposed to pick up the pieces and go on with life like nothing's happened?"
Jose is quiet for a moment, taking in my words. "I'm a dickhead," he says, rubbing his eyes in frustration.
"Yes, you are," I whisper, wedging myself in between his arms, "but I love you anyway."
"I just hate seeing you like this, baby girl. I hate him for what he did to Kendall, but I could kill him for what he's done to you." He rests his head on top of mine and we sit there, enjoying the closeness that has slowly dwindled since I met Christian.
"I thought you were blaming me for what happened to Kendall. Like you thought I intentionally set out to hurt her or something. Like you were choosing her over me," I confess.
"No," he tugs on my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze, "I love Ken, and although we have really bonded in the short time that I've known her, you are family, Ana. I know what's in your heart and I know you would never have done that to her, but he did. He caused all this pain and all this heartache and I won't sit idly by while he sucks you in again. I can't watch you go through what she went through."
"Jose," I sigh. "Christian loves me."
"Now, sure, but what about next month, when the thrill of two-timing you and Kendall wears off and he gets bored?"
"Ouch," I say moving out of his arms. "That was harsh."
"I'm not trying to be harsh; I'm trying to make you realize that men like Christian don't change overnight. He's still the same cold-hearted bastard he's always been, and I don't want you to be his next casualty."
"Christian loves me," I repeat. "Yes, he was a total asshole to Kendall and she deserves better and yes he lied to me and I don't know if I can trust him because of that, but I have never once doubted his feelings for me. I know you don't like him. I don't really like him all that much either right now, but I do love him and I'm not saying I'm ready to forgive and forget, but I need to know that if one day down the road, I decide to give him another chance that you won't hate me for it," I say, finally expressing my true feelings out loud. Now all you have to do is work up the nerve to tell all this to Kendall.
"It sounds like you've already made up your mind," Jose spits, trying and failing to reel in his anger.
"No, I haven't. I don't know how to get past this and I don't know if I want to, but I need to know that whatever I decide I'll have your support. Like you said before, we're family and families may not always agree, but they're always there for each other, unconditionally."
"You know I'll be here for you, always, but what about Kendall? Who's going to be there for her?" he asks, sadness marring his beautiful face.
"You will, and Kate, and me, if we can get past this. I was just about to call her when you walked in. I need to talk to her. I need her to hear my side and we need to come to a resolution." My voice is firm. I love Christian; there is no point in denying it. I'm not sure if I'm ready to jump back into a relationship with him so soon, but Kendall deserves to know the truth. She deserves to know how I feel, and we need to figure out if it's even possible for us to remain friends.
"I think that's a good idea," Jose says. "You both need to put your cards on the table and figure out a way past this." He stands to leave, a look of uncertainty flashes in his eyes just before he turns to the door. "Ana," he starts, his back to me, "Christian isn't the guy for you. I know you're an adult and you can make you own decisions, but sometimes love isn't enough. I can't promise that I'll ever like him, but I can promise that I will always stand by you, and I will always look out for you." He pauses, "I'll keep an eye out for your letter."
"Thank you, Jose." I respond sincerely. "I know you don't approve, but it's really important to me. I need to know if Christian is my future or if I need to leave our relationship in the past. Either way, I'm dying to know what it says."
"I know, baby girl," his voice cracks, as he brings his hand to rest on the door knob. "I know."
Just as Jose closes the door behind him my phone rings. I pick it up and look at the screen. "Kendall," I breathe, both nervous and relieved. "Hello?"
"Ana, uh hi," She says sounding as nervous as I am. "I wasn't… I didn't think you'd answer. Not after… I'm so sorry for hitting you."
"It's ok, Ken. You were upset. I… I know how much it hurts, not being with him," I admit, hoping that counts for something.
"Oh," she sounds surprised, "I just assumed. I don't know what I thought."
"Kendall, I swear I didn't know about the two of you."
"I know. I was just so hurt and angry. I know you wouldn't do something like that, but I-"
"Wait," I interrupt. "We shouldn't do this over the phone."
"I can't come there," her voice is weak, cracking under the weight of our conversation.
"I'll come to you, or we can meet somewhere."
Silence. The quiet drags on for so long, I think she might have hung up, until finally her voice breaks through. "Monday," she whispers.
"Monday," I confirm, just before the line dies.
I wake up Monday morning to the blaring sound of my alarm clock. After my talk with Jose, everything seemed to go back to normal. We spent the rest of Saturday lying around with Kate watching a Real Housewives marathon and eating Thai takeout. On Sunday Jose left for Portland. His exhibit begins Saturday so he's going up there early to make any final edits before opening night.
I roll out of bed, anxious for the day to come. I'm having lunch with Kendall this afternoon, and hopefully I'll have mail waiting for me when I get home this evening. This letter business has been driving me insane. I almost called Christian about 100 times, but refrained because Jose and I were getting along so well I didn't want to ruin our last day together. His display will run for a month and he'll have to spend most of that time in Portland.
After I shower, I hurry to get dressed, throwing on a sky blue wrap dress, borrowed from Kate's closet, and a cream high collared sweater. It's a balmy August morning, but thanks to Christian and the giant hickey that's only just beginning to fade, I'm not left with a lot of other options. Kate stayed at Elliot's last night and I tried my best to cover it with makeup but I only succeeded in drawing more attention to my neck.
I head out the door consumed with dread for today. Lunch with Kendall can go either way. I am hopeful that we can maintain some sort of friendship, but I am not naïve enough to think that things can go on just as they were before Hurricane Christian devastated our lives.
My morning zooms by and before I know it Jack is kicking me out for lunch. I change out of my heels and into my sneakers and walk the two blocks to the café where Kendall and I agreed to meet. The sun is hovering high above, shining down upon the world, but even it does nothing to brighten my mood. Sweat is dripping down my back and my stomach is in knots as I mentally prepare to have the conversation I've been dreading.
I walk in and spot Kendall immediately. She's sitting in the corner, her long brown hair is pulled up in a messy top knot, and she's wearing an orange Maxi dress. Her skin is tan and she looks gorgeous in an effortless sort of way. I can't help but compare myself to her as I approach the table. We look the same, except she is a little taller, a little skinnier and her eyes, a rich chocolate brown, to my powder blue. Master definitely has a type, my subconscious chides as I slide into the booth opposite Kendall.
"Hi," I greet her demurely.
"Hi," she returns with a forced smile.
There is an awkward silence; neither of us is sure how to begin, but thankfully our waitress chooses this moment to make an appearance. "Hi," the bubbly redhead beams, walking up to our table. "My name is Stacy and I'll be your server this afternoon. I want to apologize in advance because our air conditioning is on the fritz. If you prefer, we also have outside seating."
Kendall and I exchange a look, and in unison we reply, "No, thank you," and erupt into a fit of giggles. This feels right, I think to myself as Stacy takes our drink orders.
Once she's gone, Kendall smiles, a genuine smile, "It's worse outside."
"I know," I agree, "I was sweating buckets on the walk over here."
We take a few minutes to peruse the menu, both still avoiding the inevitable conversation. It's nice, pretending that things haven't changed so drastically between us in such a short time. I almost forgot how well Kendall and I get along. It's reassuring to know that fighting for this friendship was worth it after all.
Stacy comes back over to the table and takes our orders; we both order chicken Caesar salads, but I doubt anything will get eaten today.
"Look," Kendall begins, "Like I said on the phone, I'm really sorry for hitting you. There's no excuse for it. I was just in shock. I saw the report about you and Christian and I thought… I didn't know what to think. I just assumed he contracted you to be his new submissive and swear I was coming to warn you. I knew there was no way you could have known about me and him, and I just didn't want him to hurt you like he hurt me." She pauses, taking a deep, cleansing breath. "Then when Jose let me in, and he made some joke about you two waking him up I snapped. I mean Mast-Christian, only spends Friday night to Sunday night with his submissives and he would NEVER sleep over. I don't even think he's ever set foot inside my apartment before," she recalls.
"I wasn't his submissive," I say, hoping to put our relationship into perspective. "He never even talked about his BDSM lifestyle. If he had, I would have put it together."
"I realized that once I heard the two of you. Christian has always been nice enough. He's always been generous, and he took good care of me," Although sincere, her words cut through me like a knife. "But he has never, and I mean never, told me he loved me." Thank fuck. "I was the perfect submissive. I was compliant, but not overly so, I cooked, I was punctual, I did everything he asked of me, but still it wasn't enough. When he told you he loved you, I think I just snapped. I just barged in and, well you know the rest."
"Kendall. I swear I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to fall in love with him. I never meant to hurt you. When I realized what happened, I was stunned. I was so blissfully in love that I think I just ignored all the clues. I mean, in hindsight everything seems painfully obvious, but when you're with Christian, the world begins and ends with him. I understand now how lost you feel without him." Tears threaten, burning my eyes but I force them back, not here, not now.
"So is it true," she whispers, her voice as unsteady as my own, "you broke up with him?"
"Yes." I reply emphatically. "That very same day."
Just then our waitress returns with our food. Kendall is looking at me, her eyes are red and filled with tears and unspoken words. I'm not sure if it's due to my confession, or something else, but whatever it is will have to wait until Stacy leaves us alone again. "Is there anything else I can get for you?"
"No, thank you," Kendall answers breaking our eye contact.
The heat is starting to become unbearable; the temperature is only partly to blame, more likely the heaviness of our conversation is what's set my skin ablaze. I peel my sweater off, desperate for some relief. "I don't know how to go back," I start, "but I would really like it if we can move forward. I've missed you."
"I'd like that too," she says, looking down at her salad. "I've been so stupid, so emotional. I'm so sorry." She looks up sincerely, meeting my gaze, tears running down her cheeks and for the first time in two weeks, I am hopeful that things will work themselves out. "What's that?" she asks pointing to my neck.
"Fuck," I hiss bringing my hand up to cover the angry love bite marring my skin, the heat apparently affecting my memory too.
"I thought you said it was over," she accuses, her voice cold, lifeless.
"It is," I insist.
"Well that looks pretty fucking fresh to me."
"It's not what you think-"
"I think you're still fucking him. Please correct me if I'm wrong." She pauses, waiting. "I doubt you're fucking anyone else, not so soon after having him. I know how good the dick is and I know how hard it is to stay away." Her voice is getting louder and louder with each word. "You almost had me fooled, hook line, and fucking sinker," she pauses. "Now, at least I don't feel so bad about my little visit to his penthouse last week."
My heart stops. I can guess what's coming next, and I don't know if I really want to hear it. My mouth decides before my brain even has the chance to. "What do you mean?" I gasp.
"Oh, he didn't tell you? I guess not much has changed then."
"Tell me what?" I grit. This is not how this was supposed to go. We were supposed to bury the hatchet, not shovel up more shit.
"As soon as you dumped him, he came running home to me. I didn't understand at the time why he was so upset, but I didn't question it. Master knew I could handle the punishment," she smirks. " We were never friends. You mean nothing to me. Look at you. Do you think he would really choose you over me. You can't fuck him like I can."
I sit there frozen. I can't breathe, I can't even form a coherent thought. How could she? How could he? If he really loved me, if she was really my friend they wouldn't have hurt me like this.
"You bitch!" I growl, picking up my glass and tossing water all over her. "How dare you barge into my room and make me feel like complete shit for being with Christian behind your back, and then go and do the same things you accused me of!" I say, reaching into my purse and grabbing a twenty. "This was a mistake. You're right, we aren't friends. We aren't acquaintances, we aren't anything anymore." I stand, staring at her with disgust. "Oh, and by the way," I sneer, throwing the money on the table.
I storm out of the restaurant, leaving a slack-jawed, soaking wet Kendall behind me. My blood is boiling and there's just one more thing I need to do to before I can put all of this bullshit behind me. "Sawyer," I yell, spinning around with my hands out. I know I'm causing a scene, but right now I couldn't care less. "Sawyer, I know you're here!"
Suddenly he appears, eyeing me cautiously. "Is everything ok ma'am?"
"I need your phone. I need to talk to Christian NOW!" I demand, mentally kicking myself for keeping my damn blackberry locked away in my night stand.
Reluctantly, he reaches into his pocket and dials Christian's number. "Hmm," I snort snatching the almost identical blackberry from him. Christian answers on the first ring. "Sawyer," his voice is panic stricken, "is everything ok? Is she ok?"
"It's me," I growl.
"Baby," He breathes my name in relief. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong. In fact, everything is right for the first time since I've met you."
"I take it your lunch went well?" he asks unsure.
I roll my eyes, of course she told him about our lunch. "Fuck you, Christian."
"Anastasia," he warns.
"How could you? When were you going to tell me about what happened the day we broke up?" I question.
"Baby, it was nothing," he explains, his voice desperate.
"NOTHING?" I scream. "No, nothing is what we are. I'm done with you. I'm done with Kendall. I'm done."
"Baby, Kendall means nothing to me. What happened was stupid and I should have never let things go that far, but it meant nothing to me. I sent her home immediately after and I haven't so much as spoken to her since."
"FUCK YOU CHRISTIAN! Fuck you, fuck her, fuck your fucking letter, I don't even want to know what it says anymore."
"You haven't read it?" His voice is quiet, sad and confused.
"No, it hasn't come yet but it doesn't matter now, does it? Regardless of what it says, I can't trust you. What you did was unforgivable and no amount of mail will ever change that."
"Anastasia-"
"Goodbye Christian."