Oh gosh, it's been four months or so since I've updated this. I am so, so sorry. I've gone through so much this year taking a break from writing was good with me. Somewhere within all the heartbreak, death, disappearances', drama, and breakdowns I found a new part of myself. But I won't bore you with details, on to chapter twenty:]

Take Off Your Colours

You know how sometimes in life you're completely certain that nothing is going to go right no matter how hard you try? But somehow within that pessimistic attitude is an optimistic heart, and while you're waiting for the letdown, things actually start to get better?

That's kind of how this whole year has been for me. Somewhere within all the self destruction and hatred, I'm starting to find who I am. None of it makes any sense to me. Normally, I have no expectations in life other than that someday I expect to die completely forgotten. Lately, however, I have expectations of being happy, falling madly in love (again), and finally making something out of myself.

I know there have got to be more people out there like me, because let's face it, just because I am the one and only Ashley Davies, doesn't mean people aren't just like me. Well, assuming you don't count the looks and charm, and the fact that right now I'm holding Spencer Carlin in my arms, they could be just like me. I went from having bad habits, to being one, and when I say I am a bad habit, I mean it in the most amazing way possible. Because face it ladies and gents, who DOESN'T want to be a bad habit to this lovely blonde girl?

I think about how being here is just a dream for me all the time. Because it was just such a short time ago when I was a complete disaster and let my whole life slip from underneath me. Not too long ago I was ready for the world to end. I was the most pessimistic, self hating, girl anyone could ever meet. I was the kind of person who blamed their past on their present and let their present become their past without actually having a chance to a future. I let my hard parentless life come in the way of becoming a better person. I let the moments that I missed out become the moments that would ruin me. I hated the world because I didn't have a father. I hated the world because I lost my best friend, my sister, and my girlfriend. I hated the world because my mom never baked me cakes, and let my lick the bowl when we were done. I hated the world because I wasn't who I wanted to be, yet I made no sudden moves to become anything better.

And when I thought I had lost all hope, I came here, and everything is starting to fall right into place. To be lame and quote a Miley Cyrus song, life is what you make it. As cheesy and it is, it couldn't be more right. I don't know where I would be if I hadn't taken a leap to come find Spencer again. I'd probably be passed out drunk in a bed of a person without a name. My veins would be hard to find, and my arms would be full of scars.

"Mornin' sleepy head."

But somehow, I'm here, in bed with the most amazing person I've ever met, and I couldn't love it anymore.

"Good mornin' Spence."

This is one of those moments in a movie where the girl and the guy lean in very slowly while holding an intense loving stare, and kiss for the first time. Except, this is far from the first time Spencer and I have kissed, but even so, it feels like we're kissing for the first time.

"Ash, can I tell you a secret?"

"You always can."

She giggles, like she always does before continuing.

"I really have to pee, but I'm soo damn comfortable."

I just roll my eyes.

"As warm and amazing as this is darlin', I'd rather not be showered with pee. Go pee, I'll be here when you come back, I promise."

I watch her walk out of the room wearing my tank top, and my boy shorts, and that couldn't make my smile any bigger.

It's so insane how someone can go from having nothing at all, to having everything. How someone can go from not believing in miracles to becoming one. I don't think there is any possible way from me to be any happier with where life is going right now.

"ASHLEYYY, WHERE THE HELL DID SPENCER PUT THE CEREAL?"

Typical eye roll moment brought to you by Kyla. Speaking of her, and her being here, and her not hating me, maybe I can be a little bit happier right now.

Maybe this is how things are supposed to be. We all have some kind of destiny right? We all end up somewhere before leaving. I think we have more than one destiny that our destinies build off each other. You have to make it through one to be able to start the other. You have to shove your way though the bad shit and the tears to make your way to the other side. Sure right now I still have no idea where anything is going. Yeah, tomorrow all of this could completely fall apart. But it's not about tomorrow, or eventually, it's about right now.

So what if this isn't a typical fairy tale? Who the hell wants to be typical these days? I sure as hell know that I don't. I'd rather be crazy as hell, big cheesein', living on the edge than be boring and normal. Forget prince charming and fairy godmothers.

I used to think that my whole life was based off of all the endings. I used to live because I knew there would be an end. But that isn't how life works.

I look at all the things I've accomplished in the past few months and I can easily say that this is not the end, and I'm not just living until the end anymore. I'm living because I finally can see my future, I'm living because I'm finally letting myself be happy, and I'm living because I want to see all the ends become beginnings.

Kyla, Spencer, and I forming these new sisterly bonds, and relationships are not the end of my story. Me putting the pen down and closing this book isn't the end of the story. Because there really is never an end to the stories, there are only new beginnings. Who knows where Spencer and I will go from here, who knows how long Kyla can stay clean? There are going to be more bumps and bruises along the way, it's inevitable. Right now I know that my days of self hate are over. My one night stands are done.

This is the part of the movie where the director cuts to three years down the road. You see the couple holding hands while walking in the park. You can hear the birds chirping, and you can see the smiles on everyone's faces. You figure there have been hardships, but you know from this scene that whatever has happened, the couple have gotten through it together. You see them share soft glances and quick kisses, and part of you melts inside. You melt because you know that this story is over, but you know at the same time it's just beginning. You melt because this gives you hope for all the bad times you have yet to face. You smile as the camera focuses on the couples intertwined hands, as the screen fades black.

This is not the end of my story; it's the beginning of your own.

This is just the end of this story, but there are more to come. Thanks for all the support.