So this should clear up a lot of things. Let me know what you think!

Chapter 21: Censorship at Its Worst

Alice POV

"Well, did you tell anyone? I mean, what – what - ?" Bella sniffles, rubbing furiously at her eyes and staring at my neck as if she could see bruises. "I swear to God Alice, I swear to God - "

"Let me finish." I mumble, trying not to cry. If I don't get this out now, I never will. Bella nods but takes hold of my hand and doesn't let go. It's nice.

"Afterward, I was so stunned and sore that I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do, ya know? I loved Felix with every single atom in my body but he had just invaded me without permission. With force. But my love for him sort of shrouded all of that. And that confused me even more. So I just laid there, frozen and crying. And then Felix starts crying and it's like fuck, it hurts to see him hurting so I hold him and I hold him and he holds me back and then he kisses me and I. . . I forgive him! Just like that, Bella. All he had to do was kiss me to get my forgiveness. That's sick, isn't it?"

Bella doesn't say anything, just clenches my hand harder.

"But it gets worse! The next day I have to wear a fucking turtle neck to school because it looks like I've been strangled by a boa constrictor. And it's summertime in Washington when this is happening. And no one notices that! It's not like it was ninety degrees or anything but still. And a part of me didn't want them to notice or know what had happened because I didn't want to get Felix in trouble. But now I look back and I'm like, fuck! These were my friends and family and no one is paying attention to how much concealer I'm buying or how I'm covering everything up! The only person who did was Edward and I betrayed him for it. "

"How?" Bella asks, but I pretend not to hear.

"He used to tease me about it all the time, "Turning into a turtle I see, Alice?" he'd even brought that fact up to Felix once and I damn near killed him over it. I was so confused, Bella. And I was so in love, or whatever the hell you want to call it. I was so convinced of what my friend had told me about sacrifice that I didn't tell anyone. I thought that if I really wanted Felix then I would have to accept him how he is and on his terms. So I did and the blows kept getting harder and harder and his words became so harsh that I was used to him calling me a whore when he was angry. I didn't get angry or fight him because I knew that if I did, it would only get worse.

"I didn't want to make him angry and I tried my best to avoid the triggers. I didn't bring up any boys around him and I didn't look at any boys around him or talk to any boys because I was afraid of the consequences. But it was so confusing because in public he was so different, so fucking sweet and caring that I forgot what life was like behind closed doors until they were opened. Until Edward opened them."

"What happened?"

"And then my parents start talking about marriage and babies and I just eat that shit up! It felt like all of my dreams were coming true and Felix didn't object to any of it so I thought he wanted that too with me someday. I brought it up to him one day when we were alone and he said that nothing would make him happier than to marry me and have little babies crawling around us. I was so happy that I thought we should get started right away, but he just laughed and said "soon". We had always been safe, you know, until that one time.

"Things were going so well for a while. He didn't hit me or accuse me of anything because he was always with me. And he was so sweet, Bella. He'd send me roses and just pop up at my doorstep and take me shopping and it was all I ever wanted. I wanted the attention he gave me and the . . . security. I wanted him to love me forever, as much as I loved him. But his graduation was coming up fast and I knew he wanted to go to college right away and I was so proud of him but, I couldn't bear to see him go. I wasn't stupid, I knew there were plenty of girls in UC Davis to keep him busy. He'd forget all about me, I knew that. So I got desperate and spent every moment that I could with him. And we had so much fucking sex that I could barely walk but I didn't fucking care because fucking needed him. When you spend as much time with someone, as I did with Felix, you get attached. I couldn't lose him. It felt like I'd die.

"So in the heat of the moment, I convinced him to not wear a condom. I wished I could take it back in that very moment because I remember, his face changed so quickly and he got really angry all of the sudden. He started accusing me of trying to trap him and told me that I was keeping him from fulfilling his dreams. That I was weighing him down, that I was clingy. And it was sort of true because I was trying to trap him. I wanted to keep him for myself and thought that if we had babies, he'd be happy and stay with me. But I went about it all wrong. And because he had stopped hitting me, I let my guard down. I thought he'd stopped for good. When he opened his arm, I thought he was going to hug me or something. Instead he punches me, right on the side of my cheek, with his class ring on, so hard that it cuts my cheek to the point I have to get stitches. I told my parents I fell down the stairs and they believed me after seeing some of the blood Felix spread on the bottom step. When Edward came home and saw, he went in the kitchen to grab a knife. He didn't use it, but Felix got the message."

"Alice, I am so. . ." Bella can't even finish the sentence. I nod and wait a second before continuing.

"Edward stopped talking to me after a while after that. It hurt, but I had Felix so . . ." God I sound like such a fucking bitch. "About a week after Felix's graduation, we're all having lunch at my house, when Felix excuses himself, asking if he can talk to me outside. My parent's don't mind but Edward narrows his eyes at us. As soon as we're out of sight Felix pulls me by the collar of my shirt and hauls me all the way to the patio and pushes me out. He pulls my phone out of his pocket and starts yelling at me, asking why I have so many unknown numbers and incoming calls from a blocked number. I try to tell him that my it was my friend Veronica's new house number but he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't believe me so he calls the number and her brother answers the phone."

"You better not be fucking lying to me Alice, or so help me God -"

"Hello?" a deep voice asks from the phone, which is on speaker.

"Yes, hello. Is this Veronica?" he scoffs, his nostrils flaring while I shake like a leaf.

"No, this is Thom, but -"

"Thank you." Felix says, closing the phone and dropping it on the ground before slapping me hard across the face.

"He gets in two hits and the next thing I know, Edward is rushing towards Felix and knocking me aside. I've never seen him so angry, never in all my years of knowing him. And Felix doesn't stand a chance against Edward, who has him pinned on the ground, raining blows against his face and chest. Edward's livid and I'm afraid he's going to kill him so I scream. And then my parents are out there and someone calls 9-1-1 and the police and ambulance show up and somewhere along the lines I see Felix and I just freak out. I couldn't lose him Bella, I couldn't help it, I swear!"

"Alice?"

"I just couldn't! This would ruin everything. Edward was ruining everything. If he had just stayed put, I would have just been slapped around a couple of times. I could take a couple hits! But what I can't take is not having Felix next to me! So I panicked and - "

"Alice! What did you do?"

"I – I -" the tears are already starting to flow down my cheek and I'm trembling and stuttering. I must look like a mess, I know I do. I am a mess.

"Alice," Bella says more calmly. "What happened?"

"I t-told the police it was Edward's fault. That he was lying and that Felix never laid a hand on me. That Edward was just jealous - "

"Oh, Alice. You didn't." Bella says, burying her head in her hands.

"I was so fucking afraid! Felix's face was caked in blood and I thought he was going to die because his face was already starting to swell, and the EMTs were crowded around him. So I talked them into letting him go and they did. I-I told them that Felix was the very best thing that have ever happened, that he made straight A's and that he was going to be a doctor. I told t-them that Edward was violent and angry and . . . and -"

"No, no," Bella shakes her head, taking deep breaths.

"I'm so sorry! I wish I could take all of it back, I do. I was so stupid, so fucking stupid and young," I cry, full on sobbing now. "I will never forget the look on Edward's face when he heard me say that, never. But I didn't stop talking about him. I couldn't stop myself. Then Edward gets sent to Juvie and as soon as he get's out he leaves and I don't speak to him for three years. It wasn't worth it, Bella, and I am so fucking sorry but there is nothing I can do to take it back, nothing. I've tried. And, the worst part was that a month later, Felix breaks up with me the day before he leaves for California. I lost everything after that. All of that was for nothing! All the work I put in and lies I told were for nothing! I fucking lose everything just like that! Edward's gone, Felix is gone, I have no one to turn to because all my friends ditch me after that. I can't talk to my parents or anyone. I'm so depressed that my parents don't know what to do.

"I have nightmares, I can't eat or sleep, I stop talking, I just. . . disappear. I turn into nothing. I was nothing without Felix, sometimes I still feel like I'm nothing without him. I felt like I was dead inside, so convinced that I . . ."

"What?" Bella's eyes go wide and she scoots closer to me. I shake my head, I can't tell her. "What Alice? What did you do?" I can't, she'll hate me. I can't lose her. "No censorship, remember?"

She's right. God, I'm a hypocrite.

"Please don't hate me," I beg her.

"I could never," she promises.

Promises are easily broken. Felix broke all of his in a day.

"Alice?"

Slowly I pull back my left sleeve of my shirt to reveal the vertical lines etching themselves on my arm.

Her eyes go big and the EKG beside her beats faster.

"Please don't hate me, " I plead again softly, bowing my head.