Within Holy Walls
A Final Fantasy Tactics fanfic
By Tenshi no Ai
I don't own the characters and locations in the game that are presented in this work, Square-Enix does.
Chapter 20: Me and the True Me (Salty Rage Refrain)
A dark room.
My footsteps echo as I walk aimlessly about.
A bright candle.
My fingerprints form in the wax as I pick up the candle.
A lit room.
My eyes close as the candlelight flares, melting the darkness around me.
A young girl.
H'llo. What's your name?
Hm? I am...I am... My name is Reis. What's yours?
The girl, who has long blond hair and large light brown eyes, smiles widely at me, That's my name too! That must mean that you're me and I'm you!
I smile. Is that a good thing?
She--me--Reis...whoever looks at me curiously. Maybe it means that I'm not alone anymore.
Nodding solemnly, she holds herself, sadness dulling her eyes. There used to be others here. So many others. But I couldn't talk to them, because I was sealed. They never cared, though...and I watched as they all began to disappear, she glances up at me, and now that I'm not sealed anymore, I'm all alone.
I'm sorry, I frown, looking around the pure white room, maybe we can find them, and then you won't be alone. Where do you think they've gone?
She points at me. They've returned into you. Except for me, everyone's found their purpose, their place inside of you.
Oh. Then I'll stay with you, if you like. I've got plenty of time...
But you can't, a grim, set line forms on her face, that's not good either, suddenly, a smile appears like the sun breaking through storm clouds, but you can visit me again!
Casually, I nod at her suggestion. Okay. I'll be looking forward to it.
She grins, this sort-of child form of me, and I feel like I--
---
How could you have let her come with you?
Nn...
Miss Dular convinced me that she could lead me to the culprit responsible for the attack...
Head...hurts...
And because you and your knights are so ineffectual, you nearly got one of the head catalogers of Murond killed!
Stop yelling...
Do you think yelling at me now is going to do any good? And sometime soon you'll have to tell me who exactly let Miss Dular leave the church that she lives in. Pause. Can you tell me how she's doing?
Beowulf...Verden?
I've healed all the wounds she received, including the re-broken wrist and the multiple grazes from bullets along her left arm. I can't help but wonder if she would've received all those injuries had someone adequately protected her.
Better me than someone else.
Then, what about her nose? She was bleeding pretty badly when I got to her.
I don't know. I didn't feel an injury there.
Slowly, I open my eyes. White ceiling with cracks. Is this my room? Turning my head to the right, I see someone standing at the foot of my bed, arms crossed and facing the closed door. White mage...hood's covering most of her face. My throat feels dry. Did they say there's something wrong with my nose? I wiggle it once, twice...feels fine to me. Gingerly moving my fingers around, I notice there seems to be some cloth wrapped along my right hand.
Could you tell me how my knights are doing? I can't find them with the layout of this church.
However, you can instantly find the white mage quarters.
It's fairly easy, considering you're here.
I have a reason to be here, unlike you. It'd be more helpful to the town if you started collecting damage estimates, as well as a reason why the capital of a Church-owned region happened to be so poorly defended.
I try to sit up...nhn...it feels like the bells on the church are in my head...but I want to talk to Beowulf. my throat scratches together, distorting his name, but other than that I don't sound that bad.
How I feel is another story.
The white mage looks over at me. Oh, it's Scarlet. She looks haggard. Oh, you're awake now, her eyebrows scrunch together, did you just call Sir Kadmus by his first name?
...Oh, no.
A delicately arched eyebrow rises as her eyes settle on my face. ...You don't have to look so frightened. I'm not that petty, walking up to me, she kneels, almost level with my head,
...Why is she being nice to me? I nod while trying to summon up enough saliva to wet my throat.
Scarlet reveals one of her hands from her voluminous sleeves, closing her eyes as she does so. A tiny piece of ice hovers above it, which she catches between her thumb and forefinger. Open your mouth, I do so, and she drops it into my mouth, suck on that while I get your knight.
Doing as she says, I watch her as she rises and walks up to the door, opening it enough for her robed body to pass through, and gently closing it behind her. Priest Buremonda, Head Cataloger Dular is awake.
Thank the Holy Saint. Does she require more healing?
No, your expertise was more than enough. Actually, she is asking for Sir Kadmus. Would you like to see her now, Sir Kadmus?
I...if she's fully conscious. I don't want to bother her. A pause. Is it alright with you, Buremonda?
Only because she wishes it. Scarlet, we need to discuss something about treatments... Their voices trail off as I hear two sets of footsteps tap down the hall, towards the back of the church.
With a barely noticeable creaking of the hinges, the door opens and Beowulf steps inside.
...God.
He smiles at me tiredly as he closes my door, making his way to me in a few short strides. As he crouches down at the side of the bed I can see little lines of stress that weren't there before, marking up his youthful face. He's still in his uniform, but the sleeve of his left arm has been rolled up past his bicep. White cloth bandages, liberally blotted with dried blood, are wrapped over his upper arm. the concern in his eyes is perfectly matched with his modulated tone, how are you feeling?
Swallowing the cool water of the melted ice, I try to smile at him. My lips feel dry. good, my voice sounds stronger, is your arm okay? I...I saw it when--
Don't worry about me, something in his eyes harden, it's you who matters right now. Are you sure you're okay?
Why is he being so...short with me? I said I'm fine. Your arm was healed though, right?
His expression, blank with hard eyes, doesn't change at my question. I thought you'd just sprained your wrist. Why didn't you tell me that you had broken it? The question is piercing, and it hurts hearing it in such a way from him.
Especially because it's from him.
You didn't ask, and I didn't think it was more important than finding the mediator, I whisper, lowering my eyes from his set face to the end of his slightly dirty scarf.
What's wrong, Beowulf?
He sighs. I would've never let you find her if I had known it was more than a sprain. I probably shouldn't have, anyway...
That...that's going too far.
It had been healed, my voice sounds like a harsh whine to my ears as I look up at him. I can't hold back that hurt from showing on my face...it feels wrong to, Beowulf, why are you being so
mean
hard on me? I'm really alright...
He looks taken aback, eyes widening before he closes them. Sorry, Reis, reaching out with his right hand, he gently touches my face, his own face visibly softening as I lean into his hand, I'm just really stressed right now, what with the damages and such. A third of the knights are being treated for critical injuries, and then you... his fingers sink into my hair as his eyes seem to dull, even though it's bright in my room.
And something else...? And Verden too, right? His face darkens at the name, and I wince inwardly at the sudden change, I'm sorry.
Don't say that, and although he's smiling at me, there's something black writhing in his normally kind eyes, I guess it's the fact that he's right that's getting to me.
Right'...?
--I can't help but wonder if she would've come up with all those injuries had someone adequately protected her--
How could he be right about that when my most major injury was self-inflicted? What do you mean by that?
He inhales deeply through his nose. I couldn't protect you, his eyes narrow, you're going around saving my men from behemoths, facing down mediators, and the dragons... shaking his head, he closes his eyes, when the dragons started moving away from you, I saw you on the ground with all that blood around your head, and I thought...
Sounds familiar, but I can't...I don't know what he's talking about.
I raise my left arm from under the blanket covering me. It feels a little numb, but that's fine. Turning my body more to the right, I reach out and touch his face, smiling as he opens his eyes and looks at me. There's not even a hint of a smile in his eyes; they're just two dark red orbs with a sheen of pain and...something deeper that I don't know, I don't understand.
It's all my fault, I know. But I just wanted...I just wanted him to depend on me too.
It's disturbing, but...I'd rather he was worried about me because I tried to help, rather than me just sitting in my room or in the nave and worrying about him. I would've hated myself if I didn't do anything and...there are so many reasons why I had to help.
But, I'm still sorry for worrying him like this.
...Beautiful Reis...even like this, you look gorgeous, he leans in slightly, a bit of his natural confidence flickering in his eyes, though, this isn't how I want to remember you while I'm gone.
Gone'...?
I'm planning on going to Zaland tomorrow, his jawline is set, I don't know how they could let someone as suspicious-looking as that mediator pass through. Fort City'...some fortification, he smiles at me, though it looks pained, I should be back in a couple of days.
Well, what can I do? He had his job long before he met me, but...ah, I'm being selfish. Please be careful... speaking of which, what happened to the mediator?
Something in his pained expression flinches and deepens. ...You know, it's been so many years since I was involved in the war that...I'd forgotten that sometimes there is no choice.
...Oh. I see, and I do, I really do.
--Hm...but you know, animals and humans are different--
Not really.
I should go soon, before Buremonda gets even more suspicious, he leans in, eyes closing, take care of yourself, Reis.
You need to take care of yourself too, I murmur, unwilling to say more as his lips press against mine so softly, so gently that it feels like he's trying not to break me. Bringing my hand up to the back of his head, fingers running through his hair, I slowly move my lips against his. He responds easily, if not eagerly, drawing out the kiss while his fingers lightly stroke my hairline.
To me, Beowulf is a very tender and kind person. To his knights he can be friendly and aloof, although I've noticed that recently he's been fairly guarded around Chiroseau. Judging from what I heard earlier, it seems like he's lost a lot of patience with Verden.
He can be so many things to so many people, but I think he's his most truthful self around me.
This kiss, sweet and gentle, is just an extension of that.
I wonder what I show him with my side of the kiss?
After too short of a time, he pulls away, his breath dancing along my lips as he exhales. Affectionately, he runs his hand through my hair. Get plenty of rest, okay? I'll visit you as soon as I get back, easily disentangling his hand, he reaches up and grasps my hand, which is once again touching his cheek.
Be careful going up the hill, our eyes meet. I hope he can see the seriousness in my gaze, I'm sure the monsters will be very sensitive about seeing another human after what happened...today?
Yeah, it's only five, he murmurs, lightly stroking my hand. I want to hug him, to have him hold me, but I suspect that his arm's bothering him just as much as my wrist is. It's strange, but I'm happy to share that experience with him. It's like we're more than just two people who touch and talk; we can also fight together to protect each other, even to the point of injury.
I don't think that's something he can readily admit, but it's there, deep within his eyes.
Gently, he lowers my hand onto the bed, smiles almost normally at me, and leaves without a word.
No goodbye'.
Good.
I bring my hand up to my chest, pressing it against my heart. Closing my eyes, I smile as I sink into sleep.
---
A crowded restaurant at lunchtime. It was completely full inside, but the sun is high in the sky, and it feels like a blessing to have the warmth on my skin as I sit at an outside table. Because I only feel the weather mildly no matter the temperature, it's amusing to see so many people walk around, desperately fanning themselves as they perform their daily chores.
Across from me sits the younger me, the not-really-a-child-Reis. Her hair is pinned up nicely with only the strands of hair on either side of her face hanging loose. I've noticed her hair is longer than mine, as well as a lighter shade of blond. She's busy slurping away at her meal of rice and chocobo soup. I occupy myself with my chocobo and Selseta salad, relishing the simple but unique flavor of the plants.
Do you like the atmosphere? I look up at her when her voice, an octave higher than my own, asks the sudden question.
I smile at her. It's really wonderful. Beowulf and I often go to restaurants, but--
You'd like to cook for him, because deep down you're thinking about your future with him, she finishes. It's odd, but I don't feel surprised that she knows that. She is me, after all, but you know the concept of marriage is different between hunters and the rest of Ivalice, right?
Stabbing at a stray leaf, I nod. I suppose, but that's fine with me.
Wouldn't you rather like to become a hunter's wife anyway? She questions, sipping from her spoon, That's what you were raised to do.
Sure, but maybe I can incorporate my lessons with whatever a knight's wife should be, I raise my fork and chew on a leaf saturated with dressing, although I hate to admit it, I'm not really more of a hunter than I am a cataloger.
She makes an appreciative noise while slurping down more of her soup. So then, what are you?
I pause from poking at a piece of chocobo. I'm Reis.
That's who I've always been.
she sets down her spoon into her bowl, and do you know who I am?
I shrug. You're Reis too. This whole place is Reis, I smile at her, I'm just happy to spend some time with you. I'm a bit lonely right now.
Because he left, not-really-a-child-Reis sighs while picking up her spoon, in the end, we're always alone. You couldn't stand it the last time, so why is the day so calm now?
Because I like nice, sunny days. Out of all the different kinds of days I've seen, I like sunny days the most, picking at some Selseta and chocobo, I place it in my mouth and smile, he has to protect everyone, not just me. That's why he's gone.
Shaking her head now, she looks out at the people milling about. The first time we were left alone, you shrunk into yourself. The second time we were left alone, you sank into a fantasy that you consciously held onto as long as possible. Even if I'm you, I don't understand why you're so calm about being left alone again.
I brush a strand of hair behind my ear. I guess that's something that only I know.
What is it? She stares at me with obvious interest, and I spontaneously laugh.
Whatever it is, I'm thankful for it, I look over at her nearly empty bowl, would you like some of my salad?
She shakes her head. No, thank you. Anyway, it's just a figment of our imagination.
Nodding, I go back to my half-empty bowl. Yes, but it still tastes good.
You really do have a strong imagination, she leans back in her chair, stretching contentedly, I'll see you soon, okay?
I smile. This is so rela--
---
Light.
Groggily, I open my eyes, wincing as the light invades my precious eyesight. I don't know why, but I feel really refreshed. Since it's morning, and I went to bed at five or so yesterday afternoon, I guess there's a good reason why. Stretching out my body, I grit my teeth as my feet hit the footboard. My bed in Murond was a lot longer than this one is, and I keep forgetting that I don't have that bed anymore.
I wonder if I'm all healed up now? Moving my right hand...ow. Guess not. However, it seems that the wounds on my left arm are completely healed. I try to sit up, but the blood pulses heavily in my head...not a good thing.
Well, I guess I can always sleep in some more...how I love to sleep...
knoknoknok
I smile. A visitor is always good, too. Come in!
I don't know why, but I feel so excited. A good mood is hard to come by if Beowulf's not around.
The door opens, and Scarlet enters.
Ah...well, maybe her visit won't be so bad either. Good morning, Miss Scarlet, I sounds happy, and her neutral expression seems to lighten somewhat.
Good morning, she says as she closes my door, walking over to me, how are you feeling today?
...? She seems nicer than usual. I feel fine.
She nods, placing her hands on her hips. I'm here to check up on how you're doing. Priest Buremonda was quite adamant that you become one hundred percent okay before going back to work. Sit up.
...My head hurts when I sit up, it's not something I wanted to admit.
A dark look crosses her face. Well then, obviously you're not feeling fine.
... I'm sorry.
I'm sure, her voice is flat, well, sit up.
hn...I hope I can do this. Scooting up, I struggle into a sitting position. A steady pounding thuds in my head and spots flare in front of me as I sit up, leaning against the wall behind the headboard. My blanket puddles around my lap, revealing the outfit I fought in yesterday. I should take a bath soon, is this okay?
She sighs. It's what you get after lying in bed for an entire day while everyone else has been hard at work...but I suppose you deserved it, well, I don't know about that, I'm going to ask you some questions regarding your personal health. Is that okay? I nod at this. How strange. I thought that white mages just used healing spells, but it seems they're trained for more. Maybe it's a Lionel-specific service?
she runs a hand through her long hair, you're eating healthy, right? No surviving on sweets and stuff?
I shake my head. If that's unhealthy, I better try and curb Beowulf's appetite for that sort of thing. I always did think that his love for sweets was a little much.
Hm. You don't smoke or drink to excess, right?
I shake my head. When I was little and I got sick, Mama would always give me some alcohol so I could sleep better at night. That's about it. I can't stand smoke.
Hm. And your cycle is regular?
I pause. Cycle? As in, moon cycle? What's that?
One of her eyebrows arch at this. What do you mean, what's that'? You know, when was the last time you started bleeding?
...I...I don't try to bleed. In fact, I make sure to avoid it. I keep hearing that I bled during the encounter with the mediator, so...
By the Holy Saint, no, she really looks irritated now, I swear there should be awareness for this sort of thing. I'm asking you when was the last time you bled down there.
... Down there'...? Oh, wait, Peppermint said that term a lot when she was talking to me about sex. I give Scarlet a look that hopefully conveys how odd I think this conversation is. I don't bleed anywhere, not to talk of regularly.
She blinks, giving me a new look...I don't like it. She almost looks worried. So you're saying that you don't have a cycle...at all? I nod at this, But that's not normal...that means... she turns away from me, excuse me, I need to ask one of the others about this...
...? Of course.
Quickly she makes her way out of my room. What was that about? She makes it sound as if...it was normal for this bleeding cycle to occur.
Come to think of it, didn't Peppermint say something about this...?
Ah...I can't remember. That's fine, I'll find out soon enough anyway. My memory's being weird...
Memory...?
Didn't someone say something about my memory?
Coming in, Scarlet announces before opening my door. Glancing at her as she enters, it seems that she looks a bit...disturbed? well...ah...it seems that I was right. You'll...you'll never be able to bear a child.
...
We, ah, don't know why childbirth should be linked to such a thing, her face is nearly kind, nearly understanding, with modern medical studies as they are, we won't find anything new about women for awhile, so--
Do you mean to tell me that I'm...I'm defective? I whisper.
She bows her head, her hood covering the view of her face. You'll be able to function normally. However, as a woman...yes.
Oh. Please leave.
Strangely enough, she looks at me with eyes streaked with...something I don't care to find out right now. She nods once, then turns and leaves my room. As soon as she closes my door, I scoot up so that I can lay back and look up at the ceiling.
Children...I always figured that I'd have children someday. I'm really fond of children. As a woman, that's only natural.
Does this mean I'm unnatural?
What was any of my training for, then? I'll never be a hunter, I'll never be a mother...
Oh God.
I turn over on my side, facing my bright and cheery window. Slowly I curl up so that my knees are brought up to my chest, closing my eyes afterward.
I'll never be like Mama, no matter how much I try.
Sorry, Izlude...
---
There is a large tree next to a small river. It's strong, with lots of branches spread out in serene protection of anything that should sit beside it and keep it company. It's a kind tree, and I sit below it, leaning my back against the trunk and watch the river run.
It's a cloudy day.
I'm surprised you're so calm, especially with the news you just received, not-really-a-child Reis says while sitting next to me, normally you'd be brooding and pitying yourself awake right now.
I nod once, keeping my eyes on the flowing water. I have to admit that I'm really not happy with myself right now. But, I pat the tree trunk lovingly, turning to smile at her, I'll be fine with this tree right here.
She casts a wary glance at the tree. Odd representation for Beowulf, don't you think?
It's not just Beowulf, I lean into the tree. The bark is rough and scratchy against my face, but not uncomfortable, it's because of everybody that I've become the person I am now.
You don't have that many friends, she points out while looking up at the branches.
I shrug. Maybe someday I will, but that doesn't matter. This tree is still very dependable.
Giving me an odd glance, she looks over at the river. What's that for, then?
It nourishes the tree, smiling slightly at her blank look, I close my eyes, it also makes for very peaceful scenery.
You're really big on aesthetics, aren't you?
I suppose.
When I open my eyes again, I notice that she has a small frown distorting her face. Doesn't this make us a hypocrite? When you're awake, you consciously tell yourself that you don't need to depend on people, but at the same time you're obviously dependent.
...I wonder if the people we call hypocrites' are really just people trying to find themselves, and they look bad because they just happen to contradict themselves a lot, I whisper, even if I am a hypocrite, I'm trying to walk on a set path.
Looking away, she seems uncomfortable. I have something to tell you, but I can't tell you if you're a dependent personality.
with a sigh, I pull away from the tree, I like having people to depend on, but at the same time, I believe that the only person that can truly do things best for me is myself, I nod to myself, when I fought, that was me. Independent enough to make my own choices, yet the reasons behind them were inspired by other people.
Not-really-a-child-Reis is silent at this. Her large eyes are filled with sadness as she looks out at the river. After some time of this, she turns to me. They told me that I should go back to you to complete us. I want to...but I'm afraid. We can't take emotional pain like that...but... sighing, she covers her face with her hands.
I move up to her and wrap my arms around her small frame. You'll do what you think is best, I run my right hand through her hair, but, please know that you can always come to me.
Thank you, her voice is small, I'll...I'll definitely think about that.
When she uncovers her face and looks up at me, I smile. Her face seems to have gained some maturity, and it's nic--
----
Nighttime.
I'm hungry. I want to take a bath. Up, up...
Dragging myself out of bed is easy enough, but as I stand on the cool floor with waves of dizziness assaulting my head...I feel nauseous. Wow...this can't be good. I kneel down and collect my robe and various items for my bath, then I cautiously make my way to the door. Softly I pad down the hall in my squire dress and ninja tights...I wonder where my boots are? Not like they'd be hard to find in my tiny room...
By the time I reach the baths, I feel almost back in shape. I guess I could go back to work tomorrow. All I've done lately is sleep. I open the door to the female bathhouse. No one's here. What time is it, anyway?
After disrobing, which is a bit difficult with my right hand as it is, and putting my stuff on the bench that goes all around the interior of the room, I sit on a tiny bench and soap up.
--You'll...you'll never be able to bear a child--
I lower my hands from my hair, placing them on my lap. I really can't distract myself from this, can I?
--The way you think...I'm sure you'd be a great mother someday--
...That would've been nice.
Standing up, I make my way to the spigot on the wall and turn it on. Icy water fills a bucket I kick over underneath the stream of water. After the bucket overflows, I douse myself with the contents, shivering as bumps rise on my skin. Suds run down my body, so I refill the bucket and repeat the process.
--Little Reis, do you want to know why Mama's so big?--
I shut off the water, squeezing the excess water out of my hair as I walk to the steaming bath at the back of the room.
--See, Mama's full of life. Practically bursting with it! And soon, that life inside of me will be brought out and you'll have siblings to enjoy your life with. Isn't that great, Reis?--
Carefully, I enter the bath, shuddering involuntarily as the heated water surrounds my bumpy skin.
Life...
Somehow, it's my fault, right? Because I did my best at killing off my emotions, just trying to exist' day by day...I probably killed off any chance of life forming inside of me.
I press my hands against my flat stomach.
It's always going to be like that.
That's...that's not fair! Women...women like Beowulf's mother are somehow blessed with children, and they ignore those children in favor of focusing on their own lives. People like that shouldn't be allowed to have children to nurture and raise...
I lower my head, staring into the cloudy water.
But then Beowulf wouldn't be born.
...Hn.
And if Beowulf had been born to a nice mother, chances are that he wouldn't have tried to go to war. And if he hadn't done that, he would've never become proficient in magic, and he would've never gone to Bervenia...and he would've never been invited to Lionel.
I drop my hands from my stomach and watch the ripples form in the water.
God is pretty cruel, isn't he?
A small, bitter smile forms on my face.
I don't want to tell Beowulf this. He...what man would even think of marrying a barren woman? Or even staying with her? That's just not possible in this day and age, no matter how kind he is.
If I had known this before, I don't think I would've promised myself to tell him everything important to me.
I hate this.
Easily I get out of the bath and walk over to the bench with all my things. I slip on my robe and collect my toiletries, exiting the bathhouse.
Maybe it's easier to be a man. Of course, there are different expectations, but...maybe they're easier to handle. There probably aren't as many expectations on looks or being something because of my body's natural abilities.
We all just drift into our roles.
I enter my room, kicking a boot underneath my bed as I walk over to my valise. Where's my comb...hm? I pull out the stone that Beowulf gave to me. His family heirloom...
Even in the darkness of the night, if I hold it up to the light streaming through my window, I can see its dark blue color. How strange...Beowulf's eyes don't even have a red tint in the night, but I can still see the color of this...this Aquarius stone. My thumb lightly rubs over the two squiggly lines on the pitcher-stone...I wonder what sort of stone this is?
Have faith.
Beowulf wouldn't have given me his family heirloom if he didn't have faith in me, if he didn't care about me.
...That's true, isn't it?
I hold it against my chest. Such a pretty stone...
Everything will turn out for the best.
Well, I guess...yes, everything will be alright in the end.
This stone...holding it makes me feel better. A shame that Beowulf was using it as a paperweight. I place it gently in my valise and go back to looking for my comb. I'll go to the kitchen and find some bread or something, and then back to sleep.
No matter what happens, I'll be fine.
---
A bright room.
I walk forward, resolute with each step I take.
A wooden door.
I reach out and pull the door open.
Home.
Not-really-a-child-Reis sits at the table next to the tiny kitchen where I learned the basics to cooking. She smiles and gestures to the chair adjacent to her place. Nodding in reply, I walk over to the proffered seat, daintily sitting down. This will be our last meeting.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, I tilt my head, looking her straight in the eye.
You're scared, but you're willing to tell him about our deficiency, her smile is sad, we could've never done that before.
A small smile nudges my lips. I did promise. Whatever happens...I have no regrets.
No more regrets, she nods, I'm scared too, but I'll be strong.
We'll be strong together, I reach out to her, my lost memory.
Her smile is like a beacon of sadness calling out to me. Even though you can't remember what the dragons promised in the conscious world, you still want me?
Slowly I nod. It's been eight years. Whatever you have to reveal to me, it's still going to be in the past. There's nothing I can do to change that, but I still need to know, my eyes take in her half-frightened, half-hopeful expression, I won't truly understand myself until I know.
And you'll tell Beowulf, because we know he's been wondering about that for a long time, her fingers, smaller than mine, tap along the edge of the table, I want to protect us and not find my own place, but... she grins up at me, eyes tearing up, that's a bad sort of protection.
As I smile at her, as tears run down her slightly childish face, I can't help but wonder if this is really the best way. But then she places her hand in mine, and I feel warm because I'm in the comfort of my home and I'm compl--
---
I jerk up into a sitting position, damp hair scattering over my shoulders as
--(Childling, this is our boon. In return for your help, we can lift the darkness that blinds you from your true potential.)--
my mind is being filled with images
--(All we can do is unseal the sealed. It's you who has the final choice to understand your true self.)--
both from the recent past and
--Reis darling, could you get some water from the well?--
from the far past and
--So, there's humans living on this cursed hill?--
I don't...I don't...
--Run...ev'ryone...--
Oh God.
No.
No!
Slowly I raise my hands to my face, feeling them tremble over my cheeks and mouth.
What...what is this...?
-----
--knoknok--
Come in, I call softly. My fingers are busy sewing something...I'm not sure what I'm making, but I've been working at it since early morning. Verden walks in, and I smile at him, good morning, Verden.
Good morning, Reis, he stands a respectable distance away from my bed, which is something I appreciate right now, you seem to be looking a lot better.
Placing down my handicraft, I look up at him. Thanks to you. Did you want me to return to work today?
He shakes his hand, smoothing out the front of his everyday priest robe. I just wanted to see how you were feeling. Work is a secondary issue at this point, his voice, his bearing is completely serene, and I appreciate that too.
I need peace right now.
To tell you the truth, I need to ask you for a favor, my lips move listlessly against my better judgment.
I need closure even more.
Light blue eyes shine with kindness. I will endeavor to grant you your heart's desire.
I wonder if he really would, or if he's just saying that. I would like to travel to Bariaus Hill sometime within the next few days.
Excuse me? His brow furrows in slight confusion.
...I don't know if it's in my records, but I was born on Bariaus Hill, my voice nearly cracks. I can't help the rolling feelings in me from showing up on my face, and it's been almost exactly eight years since I've seen my home.
...I see, a sigh escapes his lips. He looks like he's putting more effort into his tranquility, which is offsetting his entire expression, then, I will contact the knights and set up an escort for you... his eyes narrow, preferably one that can protect you.
Now it's me who's working on keeping a fairly neutral facial expression. I thank you for your kindness, Verden.
He smiles, and I don't know why, but it's almost painful to look at. My kindness is all I have to offer you.
-----
Struggling just a bit, I manage to fit my dress over my head and arms. Whew, and in the right holes too. I pull down the end of the dress until everything looks nice and smooth. My poofy, dark blue cloud pants fit nicely with my sleeveless white dress. Now, where's my black boots...
--knoknoknok--
I call out, digging underneath my bed for my boots...one...where's the other...ah, here it is. Managing to extricate myself from my bed, I hastily slip my feet into my boots and adjust my pants over them, all while slowly moving towards the door.
Verden kept his promise, telling me the next day that he set up the trip for the end of the week, which also marks a complete week since Ajora's birthday. Beowulf should be back by now, hopefully. I have a feeling that Verden will make sure that Beowulf won't escort me, but I keep my hope right up until I reach my door and pull it open. No...my height, brown hair and green eyes. Good morning, Sir Riola.
He smiles at me. Good morning, Miss Dular. Are you ready to leave?
Ah...I wish I was wrong about the pessimistic stuff more often. stepping out of my room, I close the door behind me. Riola seems to be one of the knights that didn't suffer too much in the way of injuries, judging by the easy way he's moving, thank you for escorting me. I'm sure you don't really want to face Bariaus Hill monsters again.
It's not just me, though. Sir Chiroseau will be forming our party as well, oh, it'd be great to see Chiroseau again. We start walking down the hall to the front of the church, besides, I've no doubt in my mind that you can easily handle whatever comes our way, pushing his bangs away from his face, he smiles at me, I saw the behemoth that you took down. That was the cleanest kill that day.
It wasn't all that clean. It was the least I could do. How is Sir Mikner?
Riola begins to chuckle. Very alive. He won't stop telling us how you saved him, there is nothing but warmth in his eyes as he looks at me, I really have to thank you for that. He's one of my closest friends. Alia appreciates it too.
I'm happy to hear that, and in some ways, I really am.
I'm happy that I'm still somewhat useful, even if my overall potential isn't...isn't really all that good.
Hn.
Perhaps I'm sending off bad feelings, which would explain why Riola just nods at my words and doesn't say anything else as we exit the church and walk to the north end of the town. There are numerous men about the town, fixing up various buildings. Some of them I recognize as knights I've seen at the barracks during my visits to see Beowulf.
As we approach the north gate I can see Chiroseau there, holding the reins to three yellow chocobos. Good morning, Miss Reis! He calls out, moving up to meet us. The chocobos complacently follow him. I bow once we all meet each other.
Good morning, Sir Chiroseau, I smile sheepishly as he pats my head, a fatherly smile faintly glowing on his face, how have you been?
I've been fine, child, he moves his hand away, only to have it return with one of the reins for a chocobo from his other hand, I've been wondering the same for you ever since I heard about your exploits on the Holy Saint's birthday.
Well, that is... I'm doing fine, smiling, I take the reins from his outstretched hand and gently pull the chocobo up to me. Looking at the other two men as they mount the giant birds, I can't help but wonder something, did you both volunteer to escort me?
Chiroseau smiles. Buremonda specifically picked us because we both attend church on a regular basis.
Ah. That's...that's an interesting way of going about with that. I mount my chocobo, who is very calm and silent.
--(Pathetic)--
That's probably a good thing. I think Beowulf would've been shocked at some of the things that red chocobo had said.
We move out, steadily making our way down the wide path leading to Bariaus Hill. The scenery is nice, if a little more arid than Bariaus Valley...I have no clue why, though. the murmur escapes my lips before I can stop myself, and the other two men look at me curiously, how is Beowulf doing? Has he returned?
The two men, who are both on my right, share a glance. What's that about? He returned yesterday in a relatively bad mood, Riola states gently, well, he was in a good mood, but then Priest Buremonda came around for your escort.
...Somehow, that makes sense. I see.
But you know, child, Chiroseau, who's riding next to me, smiles lopsidedly, Kadmus isn't exactly one to be deterred so easily.
Well, I've noticed that. That's true.
On chocobo, the trip to the foot of Bariaus Hill takes a little under half a day; it looks really close, but appearances can be deceiving, I guess. Beowulf is there as we approach, standing next to his own chocobo. He waves and I wave back, urging my chocobo to hurry. It doesn't, so I arrive with everyone else. Why was I given the slow one?
Somehow, I'm not very surprised he's here.
I could tell him today.
I could.
Good afternoon, Reis, he smiles up at me and for a single moment I want to jump down and hug him tightly. However, I can see Chiroseau grinning out of the corner of my eye, so the urge quickly passes, Chiroseau, Riola, you remember the plan?
Plan...?
We sit out here and wait until you get done with whatever you need to do, and then we'll take Miss Dular back like the good escorts we are, Beowulf nods to Riola's words, please, Miss Dular, take all the time you want.
I think I've taken up enough time as is.
Thank you Sir Riola, Sir Chiroseau, I bow slightly, then I turn to Beowulf, who is settling on his chocobo, we'll be going.
Beowulf and I quickly--not really, considering my chocobo--leave, going along a route I remember that goes around the hill, as well as many of the various monster dens. We don't say anything to each other, especially after we pass a sleeping king behemoth.
Same as always, even after eight years.
Finally we arrive at my destination: a well on the Zaland side of the hill. Dismounting my chocobo, I walk past the old stone well and over to a large tree away from the dusty path up the hill.
Is it safe here? Beowulf says from behind me, walking his own chocobo as well. It's sweet how protective he's being. It's also a little frustrating.
By the time I finish telling him about my complete past, he might stop that.
He might leave me.
Either way...I still have to tell him...right?
It's as safe as it'll get around here, I look back at him and attempt a smile, should I tie up the chocobos?
Don't worry about it, he smiles cheerfully, they probably could use some space to walk around in.
That smile of his...will he still smile at me when I'm done talking?
Please...
Beowulf walks up to me and touches my face with both hands, having let his chocobo go already, concern brewing in his eyes, You're trembling. What's wrong?
This is it.
my voice is tiny to my own ears, let's sit down, and with his confusion clearly marked on his face, he does as I suggest and sits down at the base of the large tree. Our chocobos wander around the grass but are clearly not willing to leave us. Smart chocobos. They obviously can feel the monsters around us and aren't stupid enough to run away and end up becoming a dragon's meal.
However, I am not burdened by those sort of survival instincts.
The grass is slightly damp with morning dew when I sit down next to Beowulf, shoulder to shoulder. With confusion and concern dancing around energetically in his eyes, he puts an arm around me. The confusion only deepens when I don't immediately lean against him.
I don't want to tell him anything that would lessen his opinion of me.
his name is said in a mellow, hollow tone and by his reaction of raising an eyebrow, he's very ready for an explanation, we need to talk.
He looks at me with an open, accepting expression. his voice is calm, with the barest hint of worry.
This nervousness tumbling around in my belly...I wonder if this is how he felt just before he started telling me about his past?
With my heart pounding in an erratic rhythm, I say the eight words I never thought I'd really ever get to say, not to talk of this soon.
I want to tell you about my past.
No matter what he thinks about me afterward, I'm going to respect him enough to let him make his own judgment about me. He deserves that much...he deserves so much more.
But I'm still scared.
-End to chapter 20-
I've always been really fond of the idea of different personas inhabiting ourselves. This has only been exacerbated by one of my best friends buying me Persona 1 and 2 for Christmas. I love Persona 2. By the way, I hope everybody has a happy new year! Don't make any resolutions you can't keep!- Salty Rage': A perfume and the last item' title, it has a deep yet gentle scent'. It's the common poach from a red dragon.
-Before someone jumps me about Reis' infertility, I'd like to note that the hint for that had already been stated in chapter 12. I've always been a fan of throwaway statements having considerable attention later on.
- Not-really-a-child-Reis' is thirteen in image, but...well, next chapter clarifies the usage of this term.
Reviewers!
Hehe, Luna, yeah, I definitely thought the story could use something exciting. Battle scenes are fun to write every once in awhile.
It seems like no one really uses Reis, but she's my main physical force. Hell, all I needed was to have Equip Sword on her and she was already awesome. The only other place to get your full complement of dragons and such is to hit the SMB/ Super Monster Battle on Bariaus Hill. Cid? Never use him ;; Ramza sure likes using his sword, though.
Dude, Mavina, I was seriously worried. I was all lost and sad because I didn't have your commentary. ; About the behemoth scene, I had to practice how Reis held a sword with one of my katana, but it's lighter than a European knight sword', so I don't know how realistic the scene came off as.
In Governor Schwarznegger news: He's trying to cut funds from education, services for handicapped people and other places in order to get rid of the budget. No one seems very happy about that.
Hello, junketsuna kishi! After such an exciting chapter, we have introspection chapter! However, I will happily admit that this story doesn't really have a plot'. They're a bit overrated to me. ; I'm happy that you haven't seen anything problematic in my writing so far, and I really hope it continues, but please feel free to tell me if something looks weird. It's a bit intimidating that there are so many people willing to point out my mistakes to me, but it also makes me happy...
Thank you for reading! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to tell me!
Chapter 21: The Cloistered Cataloger, Reis Dular: A quiet, imaginative child, Reis Dular had high expectations placed on her since the day she made her first kill. Since then, she was swept up in a whirlwind of training, from hunting to cooking to childcare. She was a prodigy. The perfect hunter. The perfect wife.
Just like her mother.'