John's eyes widened and his stomach immediately clenched at Randy's words. "What?"

Randy smiled widely. He lifted his body to hover over John, his eyes bright as they stared into John's. "I'm ready. Let's just do it now. We're in love so what are we waiting for?"

John smiled nervously and sat up, shoving Randy over slightly. "Uh, I don't know, Ran..."

Randy frowned and watched as John climbed off the bed, quickly putting on his discarded boxer shorts. He suddenly felt self-conscious at how exposed he was and he drew the covers closer over his naked lower half.

"What don't you know? You said you were ready to go!"

John moved over to the foot of the bed and looked down at Randy, a blush creeping up on his face. "I lied. I don't think I'm ready to go there with you."

Randy lowered his eyes down to the bedspread and nodded slowly. His eyes watered at John's rejection and he quickly got up and threw on some sweatpants, refusing to let the older man see him cry. He walked around John, his eyes never leaving the floor and grabbed a t-shirt from his bag.

"It's fine; don't worry about it. I'm gonna go down to the gym for a little bit."

John reached out to grab Randy's arm, flinching slightly when the younger man balked at his touch. "No, Ran, don't leave. Let me explain, baby."

Randy shook his head. "Don't worry. There's nothing to explain. It's fine." He walked out of the room, letting the door slam behind him and quickly headed for the stairs, disappearing into them before John could catch up to him. Randy ran down the first two flights and finally collapsed on the third landing, lowering his head to his hand and finally allowing some tears to escape his tightly squeezed eyes.

God, he felt like such a moron! Everything was going so great with him and John and now things were ruined, yet again. It seemed like whenever they took two steps forward they fell back one in the grand spectrum of their relationship. It was frustrating him to no end. Was all this frustration and stress worth it?

Randy wiped his eyes and sighed, leaning back on the stairs. Of course it was worth it. It was him and John and they were perfect together. For John, he would endure the stress and frustration. He just wished it didn't have to be so hard.

"Randy,"

Randy stood up quickly and spun around. His still wet eyes met John's sad ones as the older man stood on top of the stairway landing and he turned away quickly. "What?"

John walked down the stairs slowly and Randy immediately took a step back. "What are you doing, Ran?"

Randy moved away from him quickly and shook his head. "I told you I was going to the gym. I just stopped to tie my shoe."

John sighed loudly. "Ran, don't lie to me. Can we just sit and talk about this? You're not letting me explain." He took a step towards Randy, who immediately took another one back.

Randy shrugged. "There's nothing to explain. Everything's fine, John."

He turned away from the older man and lifted his foot to continue descending when he felt John's arm grab his and pull him back. Randy felt his body jerk with the force of John's pull and he fell backward landing on his butt.

"John, what the hell are you doing? Let go of me,"

John held his grip on Randy's arm and moved around where he sat to stand in front of his irate boyfriend. "No, I want you to listen to me and this seems to be the only way you're gonna do it."

John sighed, his eyes lowering. "Baby, I never meant to hurt you,"

Randy glared at him angrily. "The only thing you're hurting is my arm, John. I'm fine. Just get the fuck off me," His long fingers tried to claw John's hand off his forearm to no avail.

John looked back up into Randy's eyes, seeing the moisture and redness still in them. "If you're so fine why did I find you crying in a deserted stairwell?"

Randy lowered his head into his hands and remained silent.

John sighed as he looked at him, his heart aching for the pain he was putting his lover through. He let go of Randy's arm and knelt down in front of him, his face directly in front of the younger man's.

"Baby, I'm sorry,"

Randy shook his head, his eyes refusing to meet John's. He didn't want an apology from John. He hated apologies…especially from John. "Don't say that. I hate those words. I hate that I'm sitting here cry…"

Randy stopped in the middle of his sentence and clenched his jaw. He hated showing emotion in front of anyone, even John. It made him feel weak and powerless, though he knew in his heart that John did not see him that way.

John felt his own eyes water at the turmoil he saw Randy going through. He pulled the younger man forward and enveloped him tightly in his arms. He felt the wetness on his shoulder as tears fell from Randy's eyes and heard him sniffling loudly.

"Baby, I hate having to say it but I really am sorry. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt you like this."

Randy gingerly pulled away from John and stared at him closely. "Why don't you want me, John? Why is it so easy for me to give myself over to you but you always pull away from me at the tough moments?"

John frowned and dropped his arms to his side. "What are you talking about?"

Randy shrugged and wiped his eyes free of tears. "John, you talk this big game and then when it comes time to act, you're always the one to pull back. The thing with our families and now this thing with us in bed…I'm just confused about all of it."

John sat on the step below Randy, a slight flush of anger beginning to creep up his spine. "OK, so my telling you I'm not ready for us to go further automatically makes you have doubts about our relationship…again! My God, Randy, why do you have to examine everything so deeply? Can't you just take it for what it is? I spoke too soon, all right! I'm scared to go further! You want it spelled out in black and white; well, there it is! I'm scared!"

Randy glared at John. "Don't make me out to be the crazy one here, John. I'm just as scared about taking that step. My point is, I'm willing to take it because I trust you. It seems I'm the only one working on trust here, though."

John groaned loudly and stood up. "God, Randy, stop! I can't keep doing this with you; it's so frustrating. What is it gonna take for you to stop analyzing me like this? Why can't you just take things for what they are? There is no ulterior motive or reason. I was scared to tell my parents at that moment but I did it because I love you. I'm scared to have sex with you because I have never had sex with another man and I have no fucking clue what to do and I don't want to hurt you! That's all there is to it, Ran!"

Randy stood up, his glare intensifying as he stood above John. "If our relationship is so fucking frustrating then why are you in it?"

John laughed sarcastically. "Oh my God. Do you see what I'm talking about? Of all the things I said, that's what you latch on to! You completely ignored all the other things I just said!"

Randy closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I did not ignore what you said. I heard you and understand you. I understand you're nervous because this would be our first time together. I don't care that you don't know what you're doing, John. We'll learn together. I want you and I don't understand why you can't put your fears aside if you truly want me, too."

John shook his head. "Because you may be OK with the idea of my hurting you but I'm not. I can't hurt you, Ran. I love you too much."

Randy sighed. "You're hurting me right now, John."

John smiled. "That's not the hurt I mean and you know it." He shrugged his shoulders and stared at Randy closely. "You're talking yourself into all these things that aren't there. You're making yourself feel unwanted and I don't understand it. You know damn well how much I want you and love you. You know I trust you more than anything and you should trust me just as much. After all we've been through in all the years we've known each other…come on, Randy."

Randy rolled his eyes and walked down the steps to stand in front of John. "I'm not used to being turned down by anyone."

John laughed softly and lifted his arms up to wrap them around Randy's waist. "I'm not turning you down, baby. I'm just asking you to wait. I would give anything to go upstairs and throw you on that bed and just take you but I can't. Give me some time, though."

Randy sighed and slowly nodded, leaning into John's embrace. "Don't make me wait too long." He lifted his arms and placed them around John's shoulder, pulling the older man close. "So, as you've already realized, I can be incredibly frustrating to deal with. Are you really sure you wanna deal with me?"

John smiled and ran his hand up to cup Randy's face. "Forever and ever,"

Randy laughed softly and pulled away. "Wow, Cena, you just signed your own death certificate."

John laughed loudly and grasped Randy's hand in his own. "Please don't torture me too much, baby. Think of how much I love you."

Randy's face dropped the smile and a small frown appeared on his forehead. He slowly pulled his hand away from John and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why do you love me, John? I'm a nightmare." He laughed and shook his head. "I'm a pain in the ass and I obviously have trust issues and..."

John frowned. "I know you're a pain in the ass. I don't care. I still love you." He raised an eyebrow. "I get the trust issues because I have my own but I would hope you wouldn't have them with me. Not after all these years and what we've shared,"

Randy smiled slowly and sat back down on the stair, looking down at his hands. "You know, when I was with Sam, I was absolutely positive that she was it for me; that I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. Then, when she got pregnant with Al, it just made me even more certain. When she changed so drastically a year later, it caught me so off guard. I prided myself on being such a great judge of character; someone who can call anyone on their shit and this girl completely played me. Of course that's gonna make me question people's motives. I'd never questioned yours...until we started dating."

John sighed and lowered himself down to another stair. "Randy..."

Randy shook his head and reached out to grab John's hand. "No, I didn't mean it that way, John. I know you love me." He sighed loudly. "I mean that I never actually questioned you out loud until we started dating. It seems I'm always looking for a reason you may be lying to me; like I'm waiting for the day you're gonna change and become someone who's going to disappoint me. I'm always baiting you in an argument so you can tell me how much you love me."

Randy smiled, feeling embarrassed at how much he was revealing. "While I'm arguing with you, it's like there's two Randy's. One is telling me to keep going and get those 3 little words out of you while the other Randy is screaming at me to stop; he's telling me that I already know how you feel about me so why should you constantly have to say it?" He stood up quickly, shaking his head and dropping John's hand. "Forget it. I sound like an insane person, my God. Just don't listen to me."

John smiled and stood up, reaching for Randy's fallen hand. "Baby, I don't think you sound insane at all. I understand exactly what you're saying because I went through the same thing with Liz. Of course it's gonna make us both a little nervous when it comes to new relationships. I love telling you how I feel for you and I damn sure love hearing you tell me how you feel. If you need me to tell you a hundred times a day every day, then I will. You don't have to argue with me to get me to say it."

Randy smiled and nodded. He pulled John in for a hug and buried his face in his neck. "I love you, John."

John held on to him tightly. "I love you, Ran; so much. I promise to never disappoint or betray you. I'm yours for however long you want me."

Randy pulled back and smirked. "Uh, you said I could have you forever and ever,"

John laughed. "Yes, you can." He ran his fingers over Randy's smooth face, the younger man leaning into his caress, before pulling him in for a kiss. John licked at the seam of Randy's lips and as they parted his tongue thrust inside. It tasted Randy's sweetness, roamed over the ridges of the roof of Randy's mouth and sensuously entwined with Randy's tongue. As they broke apart to breathe, they rubbed their foreheads together, panting softy into each other's mouths.

Randy sighed and laid his head on John's shoulder, inhaling deeply the scent that was only John. He felt John move his lips to his ear and kiss the skin beneath it gently. The men held each other tightly, neither making a move to part, content in each others arms.

Present Day

Randy stood on the stoop outside Cody and Ted's house, a large casserole dish in his hands. He sighed loudly and looked down at his kids, matching sets of bright blue eyes staring back up at him.

"Ring the bell again, guys."

Angel pressed his finger to the doorbell again and Randy heard Cody's voice finally answer from inside.

"I'm coming, hold on!"

"Finally," Randy shifted the plate in his hands and the door finally swung open. Cody smiled happily at his guests and bent to hug Angel and Alanna. "How are the two most beautiful kids in the world?"

Randy smiled as he watched his kids interact with Cody, the man they both loved like an uncle. He walked into the house and into the large kitchen rarely used by Cody or Ted. He set the casserole dish on top of the stove to keep it warm and turned when he heard footsteps behind him.

Ted walked over to where Randy stood and lowered his nose to the food. "Yum, Ran, that smells amazing! Thanks!"

Randy smiled and nodded as Ted enveloped him in a hug. "No problem. Anytime you want me to cook for you, just let me know."

Ted pulled back and looked at his friend closely. "Ran, you're doing too much. When was the last time you slept?"

Randy rolled his eyes and walked back into the living room, Ted slowly following. Cody sat on the large sofa surrounded by Alanna and Angel.

"Hey guys, don't I get any love over here?"

Angel and Alanna ran over to hug Ted tightly and Randy collapsed next to Cody. Cody looked over at him and smiled, reaching over to squeeze his hand tightly.

"I'm so happy you're here, Ran. I've missed you."

Randy nodded. "Well, you've been working so much. How are things on the road?"

Cody smiled. "Great. It's hectic, as usual but as long as Teddy is with me, I'm always happy." He looked over at Randy sadly before lowering his eyes. "I miss my best friend, though."

Randy nodded. "I know you do. I just can't go back, Codes. You know that."

Cody nodded and decided to change the subject. It was one he had bought up with Randy a few times in the past weeks. He knew it had only been a few months since John passed away but he felt Randy would be better off traveling with them. It couldn't be healthy for him to be locked in his house all of the time. Then again, what did he really know? He had no idea what it was like to lose the most important person in his life. Maybe this was the only way for Randy to grieve.

Ted looked over at Cody and Randy talking and decided to give them some time alone. He looked towards the children and clapped his hands loudly. "OK, Ms. Alanna and Mr. Angel, I have assignments for you in the kitchen. If you don't help, you don't eat. Let's go!"

Angel laughed loudly while Alanna rolled her eyes. They slowly followed him to the kitchen where he set them up with a simple task of tearing up lettuce.

"So," Ted began delicately, "What have you guys been up to? I've missed you guys,"

Alanna shrugged. "Daddy sent us back to school a couple weeks ago. I don't like it. Everyone just stares at me."

Ted nodded and looked over at Angel, who shook his head. "I know they wanna ask us questions but they're scared to. I wish they would, though. I'm not gonna get mad."

Ted smiled and nodded. "Well, why don't you go up to them and start a conversation? That's the only way to make friends."

Angel nodded. "I know but Ally doesn't want them anywhere near us. She says they're nosy."

Alanna pushed the plate away. "They are nosy! They don't care about us or what happened to Daddy. They just want to gossip!"

Ted sighed and reached over to pull Alanna into his arms. "Baby, then don't talk to them about Daddy. If they ask you just tell them that's private. Both of you have to do whatever feels right to you, OK. You don't have to get mad at anyone. Some of them really mean no harm."

Angel nodded and went on with his assignment while Alanna sighed loudly. "I guess."

She looked up and smiled. "You know what's funny, Uncle Teddy? We have to do homework and so does Daddy. He goes to see his doctor and he sends him home with papers to write."

Ted laughed and nodded. "I know. He told me about the doctor. He's nice. He's trying to help your dad like the doctor you guys went to see."

Alanna nodded, her memories of the child therapist she went to see with her brother still fresh in her mind. Angel shook his head and mumbled something under his breath.

Ted frowned and walked over to him. "What was that, kiddo?"

Angel looked down at his hands covered in the green vegetable. "I don't like Daddy's doctor. Daddy says he's helping him but I don't know. One of my friends at school told me the doctor is gonna try to get Dad to forget about Daddy John. He said that's what the doctor did for his mom when his daddy went away and now he has a new daddy. I don't want a new daddy, Uncle Ted."

Alanna gasped as she listened to Angel's word, the small boy obviously not having shared that with his sister. Ted frowned and pulled her in close to him, wrapping an arm around both of them.

"Guys, listen. You are not getting a new daddy. No one can replace Daddy John, OK. The doctor really is only trying to help but not by convincing Randy to get married again. That wouldn't solve anything or make anything better, right?"

He stopped and waited for their nods before continuing. "Randy loved Daddy so much that the last thing he's looking for is another husband. Maybe he will one day, many, many years from now but no one can predict that. The number one thing in Randy's life right now is you two crazy kids. He would do nothing that would hurt either of you. Please don't worry about this doctor, OK."

He looked down at Angel, who slowly nodded before turning to Alanna, who mimicked her brother.

"All right, we're all OK now. So, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna wash this lettuce and make an awesome salad to go with the awesome lasagna Daddy made. Then, we're gonna eat in the yard under the warm sunshine and talk of only funny, happy things. That's what Daddy John would want, right?"

Alanna smiled and nodded. "Yeah, Daddy had a great laugh."

Angel looked over at her and smiled. "He was always laughing, even when we didn't know what was funny!"

Ted began to laugh as the kids continued working on their salad. They worked nonstop until Cody and Randy entered the kitchen.

"Wow, Uncle Ted, tell me your secret. How come I could never get this much help when I'm trying to cook dinner any more?" Randy leaned on the counter and raised an eyebrow. Both kids ignored his comment and grabbed handfuls of forks before walking out of the door, Ted following with the completed salad.

Cody laughed in his direction. "Isn't being a dad great? Who else can ignore you with such ease?"

Randy smiled and nodded. "It's a nightmare that I wouldn't give up for anything."

They walked out of the backdoor and took their seats around Cody and Ted's huge patio table. Randy busied himself with serving everyone, the dad in him coming out naturally. Once settled, he lowered his body to the chair between his children and looked over at Cody and Ted. "So, not that I mind being asked to come over but I have a feeling there's something you two aren't telling me,"

Cody and Ted looked at each other, both men smiling and Randy raised an eyebrow. "Guys, come on. What the hell? I hate surprises."

Angel poked Randy's arm and frowned. "Dad, no bad words."

Randy looked down at him and nodded. "Sorry, baby." He looked back up to his friends. "Well..."

Cody laughed loudly. "Fine, Randy, fine! We were gonna wait till after dinner but..." He looked over at Ted, who nodded, a smile on his face. Cody turned back to Randy and practically leaped off his chair. "We're getting married!"

Randy laughed loudly and quickly got up to hug his young friend. "It's about time, kid!"

Cody laughed in his ear, holding onto Randy tightly. "I'm so happy, Ran. You have no idea!"

Randy pulled back and nodded. "Oh, I know you are, Codes. I'm very happy for you, too." He moved over to Ted as Cody opened his arms to welcome the children, who were chattering happily.

Ted wrapped his arms around Randy and leaned his head on his shoulder. "I'm gonna need your help, Ran. You're ready for double duty? You're gonna be the only best man."

Randy nodded, his eyes filling with tears. "Thanks, Teddy. I'll do anything you say to make your day amazing." He blinked back the moisture and pulled back as his kids pushed him aside to hug Ted.

Randy took a step back and leaned his long body on the doorway as he watched his children bombard his friends with questions. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply. What he wouldn't give for John to be here at a moment like this. Randy snapped his eyes open and stood up straight. No, he wouldn't let this happy moment belonging to his best friends turn into him resenting everyone for the fact he no longer had his husband. He walked back to where Ted and Cody stood with his kids and smiled.

"Well, you guys have officially made this a night to remember and celebrate. I know I speak for my kids and for John when I say how happy I am for both of you. You two are absolutely perfect for each other and I have never seen a couple more in love. I am so proud of both of you and I love you both very much. I couldn't ask for any more happiness for my best friends."

Ted and Cody looked over at him and smiled, a mixture of their own happiness and sadness John wasn't with them to share that moment.

Ted cleared his throat and ushered everyone back to the table. "OK, let's get back to dinner."

Hours later, the men stood in the kitchen, each occupied with a different cleaning task as the children retired to the living room to watch TV. Ted moved behind Cody and placed a kiss on his neck as he reached for a roll of napkins. Cody laughed softly and playfully swatted him away. "Cut it out,"

Ted smiled. "I can't. I'm in love and want to kiss my fiancé,"

Cody laughed and shook his head. "God, how weird does that sound? I can't believe I'm a fiancé,"

Ted nodded. "Well, believe it. You made me wait 6 years, you horrible man,"

Cody cocked his head to his side. "I'm worth the wait."

Randy smiled as the pair continued to argue. He lifted his arms up and put away the plates, tuning out the conversation behind him until one phrase broke through.

"...feel like that when you got engaged?"

Randy turned and looked over at Cody, who stood with an expectant look on his face. "What?"

Cody smiled. "Did it feel weird calling John your fiancé when you got engaged?"

Randy felt his shoulders tense but shook it off quickly, smiling at Cody. "No, it felt wonderful. It felt even better to call him my husband."

Cody smiled sadly and shook his head. "I'm sorry, Ran. I shouldn't be talking about this..."

Randy held up his hand. "No, Cody, its fine. I want you to talk to me about everything, including this. Don't worry about anything."

Ted smiled and wrapped an arm around Cody's shoulders. "I can't wait till I can call this guy my husband. There's nothing better, right, Ran?"

Randy shook his head. "No, there really isn't. There's nothing like sharing your life with the person you love. It makes your heart feel so full and every time you see him and he smiles at you, you just feel like the luckiest person in the world..." He cleared his throat and smiled, shaking his head. "Sorry, I went off in my own world for a minute there."

Ted smiled and nodded. "I would give anything for John to be here, too, Ran,"

Cody moved over to wrap his arms around Randy's waist. "He is here, Ran. I truly believe that he is with us always."

Randy sighed and moved Cody's arms away from his waist. "No he's not, Cody. I don't believe in any of that crap. I don't want John here in spirit. I want him here in person and the fact is that he's not!"

Cody sighed. "Randy, doesn't that thought comfort you, though? The thought that Johnny is still with you in some way?"

Randy frowned and looked at Cody like he was insane. "No, it doesn't! The only way I want him here is in person."

Ted moved over and patted his back quickly. "All right, guys, let's drop it, OK. Codes, Randy can believe whatever he wants OK. Just drop it, baby."

Cody shook his head and looked at Randy, a concerned expression on his face. "But it's not healthy. Randy, you barely speak about John. I mean, I hope you're at least speaking to your doctor. You would think you would want to talk to me or Teddy but you're just turning into this robot. You can't do that, Ran. You have two kids who depend on you."

Randy rolled his eyes as Cody spoke and finally held up his hand. "Fine, you want me to talk, I'll talk. I'm still incredibly pissed at the fact my husband is dead and I don't feel like reliving memories of when he was alive because I know we'll never be able to make any more memories. I'm barely keeping it together and the only reason I am is because I have those two kids. I don't feel like listening to you talk about your engagement or upcoming wedding because it only reminds me of my own. I hate the fact that everyone has moved on from John's death and people are so fucking happy all the time. I'm not happy! I'm angry and devastated. All I do is either cry or scream or curse God. The only time I can function like a normal person is when the kids are around because I don't want to hurt them anymore than they're already hurting. If that makes me appear to be a robot, then so be it. I'm doing what I have to do to survive here."

Ted stared at him sadly while Cody lowered his head but not before Randy saw the glimmer of unshed tears in his eyes.

Randy sighed and moved away from the wall. "That's another thing I hate; that look of fucking pity I get from everyone." He walked back into the living room and grabbed the remote from the table, quickly shutting the TV off. Angel and Alanna groaned loudly and Randy looked at them sternly. "We're leaving. Go say goodbye to your uncles and let's go."

The kids nodded and went to hug Ted and Cody as Randy waited impatiently next to the open front door. They walked over to him and he ushered them towards the car. Cody walked up behind him and grabbed his hand.

"Randy, we love you. We're here for you at anytime, you know that."

Randy turned and nodded. "I know. I just need some time, Cody. I have to work this out on my own."

Cody nodded and stepped away from the car as Randy entered it and started the engine. He walked back over to Ted, who immediately wrapped him in his arms.

"He'll be fine, Cody. He knows we're here for him. We just have to let him come to us on his own time."

Cody nodded and sighed. His heart ached for his best friend's broken heart and he could only hope Randy would one day find some happiness again.