Jack opened his eyes.

For a moment nothing felt any different. He rubbed his face and yawned like he did nearly every morning. He sat up and looked at the clock, momentarily panicking since it read 9:23 on a Tuesday and wondered why the alarm hadn't gone off. It wasn't until he jumped out of bed and his eyes found the object hanging over the desk that he understood why he wasn't at school this particular day.

His body sunk into the bed and he placed his head gently into the palm of his hands, slowly rocking back and forth in an unconscious effort to sooth himself. He sucked in a deep breath and released it as slowly as possible, the air wavering as it struggled to escape his barely parted lips. He stayed like that for several minutes, his eyes prickling familiarly. He hadn't started crying yet, though, but the day had only just begun.

For every other anniversary, he had spent it with his parents. They would come together in the living room silently, shuffling to the couch and wrapping arms around each other. They would not speak until some time had passed, but they never tried to break the somber mood that clogged the room. After the morning would run into afternoon, they would look at pictures and tell stories and cry and hug. In the evening they would go to bed early.

Jack wasn't sure how this day would go, but he knew that he shouldn't be spending it alone, though he wanted nothing more to do just that. He was trying to take care of himself, and having those feelings swarming under his skin wasn't what he needed to be facing all alone.

Obviously, he knew his parents were having a rough day too. They were all usually there for each other, but after what had happened he didn't know if he felt as comfortable grieving with them as he did before.

He wanted to call Jamie, even though yesterday he told him that he needed his space for today, but he knew his boyfriend was at school.

Jack stood up and reached for his phone that was on the desk. Before going back to his bed, he gently brushed his fingertips over the rough bark of the shepherd's staff that he mounted on the wall. He gripped the phone tightly in his hands, thinking over his decision before firing over a text.

I need you

It was only moments until he got a reply.

Do u need me to come over?

I'll pick you up

Jack took another set of deep breaths, eyes towards the ceiling and hands clasped together painfully, like he was trying to ground himself in that moment.

"I can do this. I can get through it."

He grabbed his wallet and keys before opening up the window and jumping out. He didn't want to see his parents today. He wanted to feel like he could open up to them like he had done before, but he couldn't bring himself to unlock his door and speak.

When he got to school, there were still five minutes before class ended, so he parked the car and waited. His head flopped back against the headrest and he closed his eyes.

"It still hurts, Emma." He began. He had never talked to her out loud like this before, and he felt a little strange but comforted by it. "It seems like we were just together and then out of nowhere you're just gone. Our family is a mess right now. I'm kind of a mess right now. I miss you." He cleared his throat.

"I didn't know something could hurt so much for so long. I'm not ready to give you up. I'm not ready to feel completely normal again. I don't know if I ever will go back to the way I was." He paused. "But I guess that's part of growing up. You don't ever go back. You just build off of it."

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

"I spent so much time being angry over it. I'm still angry. I don't understand why. I don't know why people so young have to die. Everyone keeps telling me it wasn't my fault, but I still feel like it is. I took you out there. It was getting too warm to take you out, but I did. I should've told you no. And now there's no next time."

Jack heard a gentle tap on the class and shot straight up. Realizing it was Jamie, he unlocked the door.

"You scared me." Jack said, trying to catch his breath.

"Sorry about that… Uh, who were you talking to?"

"Oh, um, just myself." Jack shrugged and started the car. He tried to discreetly wipe his eyes, but he was sure that Jamie noticed.

"I stopped by the office and told my mom that I needed to go. She was understanding." Jack nodded at that and pulled out of the parking lot. "So, Jack, are you okay?" Jamie hated that asking him if he was okay seemed to be the only question he was asking him as of late, but he couldn't think of anything better at the moment.

"I don't know." He mumbled. "I just can't be alone, and I can't be with them."

"Yeah, okay." Jamie nodded a little and crossed his arms. "Where are we going?"

"On a hike. I know a trail."

"A hike?"

Jack didn't say anything else. Jamie wanted to comment on Jack's glasses, lightheartedly teasing him about it like he would do normally, but he decided now wasn't the time. They didn't speak much on the car ride there.

It took twenty minutes to get where they were going, and Jack stopped the car in a small parking lot off of the main road. There was a single bulletin board with a map on it and a narrow trail to the right of it.

"I didn't know this was here." Jamie stepped out of the car and pulled his jacket on.

"I found out about it a little while ago." Jack locked the car and shoved his keys in his pocket. "Alright, lets head out."

He took off with his long strides, hands in his hoodie pocket and head down. Jamie had to fast walk in order to keep up with him. Because the trail was so thin, he had to be behind Jack. Soon, the forest began to encompass them both, and the further they trekked along, the less they could hear the cars on the road and the stiller it got. The trees blocked out most of the morning sunlight that had been shining through the clouds, so the atmosphere seemed serene.

"It's a little chilly out here today." Jamie said as he pulled his coat closer to his body. His fingers, toes, and nose were freezing, despite the extra layers.

"It doesn't really bother me." Jack shrugged and kept going.

They stayed silent like that for a while, slowly inclining the further they went. It seemed like hours before the trees began to lessen, and then eventually stopped. They were on the top of the hill, overlooking a small valley. There were a few benches up there, and Jack sat down at one. Jamie followed after.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jack shrugged and closed his eyes, soaking up the warmth of the sun that was now able to hit them. The light reflected on his eyelashes through the lenses, and though they weren't very long, Jamie noticed that they were fairly thick. He gently gazed at the person sitting next to him and picked up things he hadn't noticed before. His face was lightly speckled with pale freckles across his cheeks that were hard to pick up normally. He also had two little scars on his face; one above his eyebrow that was usually covered by his hair and another minute one that was on his jaw line, right before his chin started.

Slowly, Jack opened his eyes. Since he wasn't wearing his contacts today, Jamie took advantage of that to really absorb the way he looked in more of his natural state.

"You have nice eyes." Jamie said and reached his hand up to gently outline the side of his face.

"They're just brown." He said and shrugged again.

"Thanks," Jamie said a little sarcastically and pointed at his eyes, which were of a brown hue.

"Well yours are a lot nicer. They're like a golden brown. They look really pretty with this lighting."

It was Jamie's turn to shrug, figuring that brown was brown either way and he leaned back on the bench.

"It's pretty up here." He said and crossed his arms, trying to trap in his body heat. The sun was helping, and he wasn't looking forward to going back onto the trail. He felt peaceful here.

Jack nodded. "I like being out here. Especially when everything in the real world seems to be suffocating me."

Jamie looked at him, wondering what he could do to help. He grabbed his hand and squeezed.

"I know you're probably sick of hearing this, but everything's going to be okay. The school year is more than halfway over, and after that it's summer. We can hang out all the time, and you won't have to worry about everything that's going on now. Then there's only one more school year left and we graduate. We're out of here."

"That still seems like a long ways away." Jack sighed. "I know you're trying to help. And you are, really. I wouldn't be able to do this without you. But I'm so sick of feeling trapped in my own home. I don't want to feel like my parents are ashamed of me. And I know I can't keep running away but I don't think I'm strong enough to confront them. I'm worried they're going to get to me before then."

"You will be able to, and if you need me, I'll be right there beside you. You have someone to turn to." Jamie kissed his cheek and smiled. "I'm here. I'm not leaving."

Jack inhaled a wavering breath and pulled Jamie into a tight hug.

"I love you. I don't care what anyone thinks. I love you and everything feels better when I'm with you. I'm sorry I've been acting like this. You don't deserve it. I'm going to try and stop throwing a pity party for myself…. Emma wouldn't want me to either."

Jamie hugged him back. "I love you too. It's okay."

Jack pulled back after a few moments.

"I miss her so much."

"I know." Jamie said sympathetically.

"I still don't feel like she's really gone. I'm in so much denial, and I keep blaming myself for it. I can't stop these thoughts in my head."

"Jack, you have to stop blaming yourself for this. It was an accident. A terrible accident. She wouldn't blame you. No one blames you."

"I know, I know, I just can't help it. It's going to take me awhile. I miss her so much."

Jamie wiped a tear from the corner of Jack's eye and kissed him on the nose.

"It'll be okay." He reassured him again.

Jack rubbed his eyes and stood up. "Let's go back."

The walk back felt quicker than before, and Jack stayed at the lead but hung his hand back for Jamie to hold.

They drove back to Jamie's house, chatting quietly about classes and simple things. When they got there, no one was home since school was still in session.

Jamie could tell for the rest of the day that Jack was trying to force himself into a good mood, but he figured it was better than breaking apart. He knew it was a really difficult day for him, and the fact that he couldn't spend it with his parents made it worse.

Jack stayed for dinner later that night and went back at 9:30 reluctantly. His room was chilly from the window being open all day, but he didn't really care. He just slipped into his pajamas and wrapped the covers around him. He wasn't going to cry. He'd spent a lot of time crying. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to cry.

He kept repeating this to himself, slowly drifting off. His eyelids felt so unbelievably heavy. Soon, there was nothing.

11/1/18

This is the last chapter of edits. Everything from now on is new content.