Enjoy and REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!
+ Tim Everett- 'Forever Endings'+
+ Snow Patrol- 'Run' +
Harry Potter has always put his friends before himself. Thats just the way things were. Ever since he made his very first friend aboard the Hogwarts Express, he wanted to protect those who made him feel loved, in face of perpetual loneliness placed by the Dursleys. But is it time to let them protect themselves? Can Harry continue to protect Ron from Punickle, the press, even Harry himself, at the price of his own happiness?
Can Harry make up his mind before its too late?
Or...is it already too late?
" Head of Programs of the Department of Mysteries, Eustace Punickle, has just stood trial for suspicion of using illegal spells, charms and potions for personal use, early this morning. In addition to misuse, he was also accused of threatening and blackmailing several Unspeakables and slowly filtering out funds into his personal Swiss bank account.
What came as a shock more than Punickle's unsavory professionalism, was the revelation during his time on the stand, that he took part in the kidnapping of wizarding legend, 19 year-old Harry Potter.
Eustace Punickle was found guilty by the wizengamot on all accounts and was sentenced to a lifetime in Azkaban without the possibility of pardon.
Many are stunned to realize such scandal exists in our very own Ministry, but none are more stunned than Punickle's very own colleagues, who had had no idea the man was doing such corrupt things right under their noses.
' If I had known this illegal use of resources was going on, I never would have had my Aurors help out his department so much," says an infuriated John Yungbrood, Head of the Auror saying this, there seemed to be a ruckus coming from the convicted Punickle and the Aurors hauling him off to Azkaban. In a fit of madness, perhaps maybe even revenge, the man declared that he had been bought by none other than Tallen Malfoy Senior, the wizarding world's most powerful pureblood wizard. The accused shrieked his innocence and quite the scuffle broke out.
There was pandemonium, Malfoy Senior was escorted into an antechamber and it seemed no one but this reporter heard Punickle's last spiteful declarations before he was shoved out the door by a spiky-haired Auror.
'Ronald Weasley is a dirty fag! It was him in that photo! It was HIM and that whorish Potter!'
Whether or not this allegation is true or not, I'm sure many a head will now be turned in the direction of the two notorious best friends and their questionable friendship. It seems the Potters have wrecked quite the havoc among the Pureblood circle as of late. Should it come as a surprise that the Boy-Who-Lived-Again should take on a Weasley lover when his twin had outright kidnapped young Draco Malfoy from the eligible Louise Lestrange, at their very own wedding no less? It appears the brothers have no remorse when it comes to their love lives and the chaos they leave in their wake-"
He threw down the paper, a look of disgust on his face. Resisting the urge to Incendio it, Harry Potter instead crumpled up the Daily Prophet and chucked it into the garbage. He was going to have a word or ten with the Head Editor. That reporter was nothing more than a gossiper with a high title.
Harry grumbled and pushed himself from the kitchen table, making his way into the living room to find his glasses. At the sight of the sofa, a horrible blush spread across his face and Harry was hard pressed to forget the VERY vivid image of Malfoy and his brother entangled ontop of it.
It had been around twenty minutes after Malfoy had raced from the chapel before people started to rouse from the shock. Harry had been actually pretty proud of him. Feeling as if he'd done something very grand and not wanting to linger around to get asked a million questions by reporters and cornered by a confused looking Ron, the brunette had Disapparated back home.
It was then that he was reminded that he needed to stop using his Auror stealth and start being noisier, because then he wouldn't have had to walk in on Draco Malfoy shagging the hell out of Jimmy, in the middle of their bloody living room.
Those sounds would never fade from his memory, and even the slightest recall of them made his cheeks burn.
He was turning into a perverted voyeur, but it wasn't like he could avoid it.
It had been around two weeks since the failed wedding, and one day since the trial, and it seemed everywhere he went in Potter Asylum, he was stumbling upon Draco and Jimmy going at it. It was growing to be very embarrassing.
The pair didn't seem to mind, however. Infact, more than once they'd asked if Harry wanted to join.
So he had made it a point to stay as little as possible at home. It was safer that way, both for his sanity and his virtue. He wasn't mortified enough to not admit that Draco was gorgeous and Jimmy was an enthusiastic lover. He WAS a healthy young man, after all...It was all Jimmy and Draco's fault. They tainted his innocent mind with pornographic sex.
Harry gave a sigh and threw on his jacket as the distinct sound of a headboard banging against the wall hit his ears.
Since he hadn't gone through with the marriage, Malfoy's inheritance was denied and he was now broke and homeless. But it hadn't been an issue, since that very day he moved the little that he was left with (like TONS of clothes, a ridiculous amount of shoes, books and his mother's things) into Jimmy's room and now took up permanent residence there. It was just unnerving to be taking a shower and have a shameless blond man try to throw you out because he ALWAYS took a bath at five o'clock every evening.
The guy needed a job and he needed to stop shagging Jimmy against every surface they came across. Honestly! They were acting like a pair of sex-crazed teenagers. It was revolting. Harry couldn't find any place other than the garden (and that was just because Draco didn't find having sex outside to be sanitary) that he could relax at and not have to be reminded that the couple just shagged on it a few minutes ago.
Harry tucked his wand up his sleeve and headed out the door into the crisp December morning. The days were getting shorter and colder, but they were still pretty. The sky was littered with big grey clouds that threatened snow any day now. Luckily though, it hadn't snowed in these parts quite yet. He could still enjoy the vibrant oranges, reds and yellows of the trees lining the road and the forest.
He loved fall. He one day dreamed of finding that stone circle his parents had danced in the leaves at. Perhaps he'd take another picture to go along with it. Maybe Ron would want to-
Shaking the thought from his head, Harry Disapparated to the Leaky Cauldron and headed out onto Diagon Alley. It probably wasn't too smart, what with this morning's paper, but Harry had his long hair hidden beneath a beanie (which also covered his scar luckily) and he'd worn his contacts today so there was close to no chance of anyone recognizing him.
"Yoo-hoo! Harry!"
Well scratch that.
"Glad I caught up with you before your shift at the shop," Ginny said as she scrambled to catch up. Her hair was swept up in a business-like bun and her robes were pressed and clean-cut."I just wanted to let you know I took the liberty of rerooting your mail to Kingsley so all the hate mail coming in won't interfer with anything."
Harry nodded and pulled the collar of his jacket higher up."Thanks. I can only imagine the sort of stuff I'm bound to get this time round."
Ginny looked at him sympathetically and rubbed his arm."I know its been rough, but I think things will get better. Everyone's just jealous anyways."
"Jealous? Of what?" He asked, arching a brow.
"Of you of course. You're so successful and powerful and talented and handsome, you went and decided to snag a man. About 51 of the population is devastated. Probably 91 if the men would just be honest with themselves."
Harry chuckled and tucked his cold hands into his pockets."And I'm sure Draco shacking up with us makes it all the more better."
Ginny cooed and gripped onto his arm excitedly." Oh I know! I had never seen anything as fabulous as those two snogging eachother's brains out! Hermione managed to get a photo and we made copies to pass out at the celebration tonight at Black Manor."
Harry frowned." What celebration?"
"For Punickle's conviction, Malfoy Senior's arrest that I just pushed through and of course, Jimmy and Malfoy's resulting shag-fest."
Harry snorted and stopped infront of Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes."You want to celebrate them having sex all over the house?"
Ginny's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open."They shag all over the house!...Can I live with you too?"
The brunette shoved her away playfully and made to walk into the store.
"Don't forget, I have nominated you to get the alcohol." Ginny grinned, holding the door open for him." Oh, and be a doll and tell Ron about it as well."
Harry turned with a frown, his heart leaping into his throat." Why do I have to? You could very well do it, too."
Ginny looked pained, as if it were a great inconvenience for Harry to be arguing with her."Because, you know how busy I am now with my new job. Its always work work work, I never get a moment for myself."
Harry smirked at her," Imagine, being a Minister and actually doing work. You poor thing. The nerve of your underlings."
"Oh har har. I'd like to see the Great and Noble Harry Potter handle all those complaining Officials all day long in addition to Jimmy never showing up on time because he's been too busy sexing his new boytoy." Ginny said, then spun on her heel, hurrying back down the road." REMEMBER! BOOZE, RON, SIX O'CLOCK, FUN FUN FUN!"
Harry waved in acknowledgement and headed inside the shop, closing the door behind him. He sighed at the toasty warmth of the store as he walked to the counter, taking off his jacket on the way. He was actually fifteen minutes early, but that was alright. Only two people were in the shop, and they were currently too preoccupied with the Extendable Ears to need any help.
So Harry ducked under the counter and slipped into the backroom. He was about to hang his jacket up and perhaps make himself a cup of cocoa when the door leading into the alley chimed open and a stack of boxes emerged from round the corner. A grunt came from behind the boxes as they clipped the corner, and Harry rushed forward to take about half the stack.
He was more than a little surprised to see Ron's face on the other side of the boxes, his nose and cheeks red from the winter cold and copper-gold hair peeking out from under an orange and brown Weasley winter hat.
"T-thanks."
"No problem." Shrugging off his shock, Harry set down the boxes ontop of the others he needed to stock that day and went to grab the clipboard to update the inventory. Ron grabbed his wrist and tugged him back, his body slamming into the redhead's.
Harry stared, bewildered, and tried hard not to think about how much he loved it when Ron did things like that. "What?"
Ron gazed at him for a few quiet moments, his sapphire eyes flashing with a hundred different thoughts. His fingers tightened round the brunette's wrist and he leaned in marginally, anxious words on his lips." Harry, I..."
The boy rose his eyebrows expectantly, feeling far too warm right then to back away." You...?"
"I...I brought in the new shipment of love potions George just finished up on. He said you'd been expecting them all week."
Harry blinked, not expecting this change of subject." Er, yeah, I guess I have...Um, thanks Ron."
The redhead nodded and stepped back, busying himself with carrying two boxes to the front where Harry had readied a display for the new potions. Harry watched after him, sufficiently confused, but decided it might be better this way. Picking up the clipboard he had dropped, he got started on taking inventory.
A quiet hour had passed and Harry was starting to get worried. Ron hadn't come back for the rest of the boxes and nothing but a few excited whispers from customers were heard from the front. Arching a quizzical brow, he walked out from the back room and tucked his quill behind his ear as he saw the redhead pacing back and forth infront of the register, muttering nervously to himself. Harry frowned amusedly and leaned against the counter, propping his chin in his palm and watched his friend.
" 'Say, so, how 'bout those Canons?'... No no no, thats not it...' Want- 'no CARE- 'Care to come with me for a drink?'...No no, thats not it either...DAMN!"
"How bout, 'fancy a shag now or later?' "
Ron stopped dead and paled, turning with a mortified face to see a sniggering Harry perched on the stool behind the register. "Harry! What? Sure! Wait- I mean, NO! I mean- Oh bloody hell!"
Perhaps he was having too much fun watching Ron go bright red and trail off in humiliation. It was very mean of him to tease the boy. It looked as if he were trying to work out a pickup line or something, and was obviously not going anywhere. It was hard to ignore the pang of jealousy that came unbidden at that thought. "Have you been out here this entire time?"
Ron dug his hands into his pockets, the sheepish look on his face making him look like a very tall pouting kid. "Maybe...that displays real nice, by the way."
Harry spared a glance over at the display in question and smiled. The thing was lurid and pink with hearts and dwarf-cupids (inspired by his Valentine's Day experience in second year) dancing all around it. "Yes, well, it should be alarming more than complimenting that I can come up with a freakishly girly display stand."
Ron smiled a bit and leaned against the counter, his hands inches from Harry's."It shows you have a big feminine side."
Harry glared and flicked the boy's hand."I am very much manly, thank you."
Ron laughed and swiped Harry's beanie clean off his head, causing his long raven hair to spill out and tumble round his face. The redhead smirked and swooned." You sure are the prettiest manly man I ever did meet."
Harry glowered and snatched his beanie back, shoving it back on."Oh go stick your head in the Slug Drops."
Ron snickered," Aw, is someone grumpy about being pretty?"
Harry shoved himself off the stool and turned round to start stocking the Chili Pops and Dung Beans. Giving a huff, he rammed a handful of the pops into their basket and didn't notice Ron duck behind the counter and stand behind him. Just as he was about to reach for another handful, he was spun around and pinned against the wall.
Yelping and blushing from the roots of his hair to the tips of his toes at the thigh that slipped between his legs, Harry fumbled to push the boy away. "Are you insane? There're customers here!"
Ron's lips came fractions away from his," So?"
"SO!" Harry exclaimed, then quickly slapped a hand over his mouth. Glaring at his friend, he moved his fingers only enough to hiss," 'So' you say? If anyone sees-"
"It won't do a damn thing. Thanks to this morning's paper, everyone thinks we're together anyways. "
Harry faltered, remembering those exact words from a certain spiky-haired brunette, "But-"
"Look Harry. Punickle's in prison, Malfoy Senior's set up to do the same. Jimmy and Malfoy didn't seem to mind that the whole world knew about them."
"Yeah, but thats THEM, Ron. I'm not them." He replied. Ok, so he probably could've come up with a better tactic than the whole 'why? well BECAUSE' routine, but he was at a loss. All his reasons for saying no to this had vanished. He couldn't help himself. He was Harry Potter and being Harry Potter meant being paranoid. Especially if it involved his best friend.
Ron sighed exasperatedly and leaned in further, making Harry's cheeks burn."How long do you think I'm going to put up with this?"
"P-put up with...? What?"
Ron softly brushed his lips against Harry's, making the brunette gasp and grapple to push him away. The redhead didn't seem to appreciate this since he pulled away, his hands as tight as ever on his friend's arms." That. Are you ashamed of me, Harry? Is that it?"
Harry's eyes widened," NO! Oh god, no! Ron, don't ever think that."
The boy's eyes softened,"Then why do you keep pushing me away?"
There was nothing he could say. Because honestly, he didn't know himself. Old habits die hard, after all. If Death-Eaters popped up out of nowhere once, whats to say they couldn't do it again. Jimmy was meant to be taken this time, it very well could be Ron next.
Ron never got an answer, however, since customers decided to take that time to ask tons of questions and kept Harry effectively busy. Lucky for Harry, of course.
It wasn't that he didn't want to answer the boy, it was just, well...he didn't know the answer. He'd begun to realize that a few days after Draco and Jimmy came out publicly. Draco still stood for inquiry, but was put on suspension for the time being until a new Head of Department was assigned and his lifestyle could be put on trial to the Wizengamot. But even so, it looked like he'd get off with his memories intact simply because of Punickle's mistakes.
So that was it. There were no more excuses to hide behind. No more lies he could tell.
Punickle was gone, Harry wasn't an Auror anymore and if he just asked, he knew Ron would give up his job. If he just asked...
Harry blinked from his reverie, shocked to see almost the entire day had passed. Chancing a glance over, he saw Ron crouched down infront of an upset display of exploding erasers. He gave a sigh, recognizing the blank look of defeat on the redhead's face. Harry scooped up his jacket after locking up the register and ushering the last straggling customers out the door. Ron was doing his damnest to ignore the brunette, and even though he deserved it, it still stung nonetheless.
"There's a party at Sirius' at 6. Ginny wants you to come." Harry said as Ron straightened out, looking down at his toes.
"Oh...Ok."
"I'm leaving now. The keys are on the counter," He mumbled and slipped out the door.
He knew he was being a coward. It ate at him how cowardly he had become. Was this really who he wanted to be?
Who WAS he?
"Cleansing rituals? Um, I think these are the only books I have on that. Have you checked with Hermione?"
"Yes, but I only got the one. Are you SURE this is all you have?"
Sirius gave a sympathetic smile and nodded. "Sorry, Harry. Perhaps Dumbledore would let you research in the Restricted Section at Hogwarts?"
Harry muttered a thank you as the man strode out of the library door, leaving him alone with a scarce stack of books and a dead end. Ugh! How could this have happened? Black Library never let him down before, nor did Hermione's (much to the astonishment of the bushy-haired woman). But alas...his search of books with powerful and PERMANENT dark arts reversal spells turned up short. Five books, and one he already knew contained nothing of worth. Flourish and Blotts seemed like a last resort seeing as he'd already went through the Restricted Section at-
"Stumped, Potter? Why am I not surprised."
Harry turned sharply at the oily sneer and his eyes narrowed of their own accord. Snape merely sighed in exasperation.
"I don't really know why I'm even bothering. You'll end up botching it or losing my book entirely." He grumbled and thrust a thin, badly battered leather-bound book into his face.
Harry took the book delicately, speechless.
"By the constipated look on your face, I can tell you're surprised..." He commented dryly, then folded his arms.
"Well...YES. You've never-"
"Given a damn before? Yes, I know." Snape said." But I couldn't very well sit back and watch you tear through everyone's libraries, leaving them an atrocious mess."
The boy nodded a bit, skeptical of that exact motive. Snape looked more nervous than haughty and his hair was strangely not...so...oily.
"I knew you'd never think to ask me, so I took the liberty to find you this book myself." Snape explained. Then just like that, he was walking out the door.
"Wait!" Harry exclaimed, for reasons unknown. When the man did, Harry fumbled with words as a confused frown crossed his face." Why? I mean, the messy library excuse aside...WHY?"
Snape's profile stood out in the firelight and for a few moments, he looked ...less than surly. He almost looked attractive, in a sad, tragic victim of war sort of way. " I know I was never a Marauder...but it didn't mean I didn't care for James...or his children."
Harry blinked, and was left to his own devices. Well, that was certainly odd. Revealing, yes, but still odd. Shaking his head with a sigh, he seated himself back at the desk and began flipping through the book. Amazingly enough, the book was perfect. It had nothing BUT cleansing spells and potions. And not the ones he'd been running into that would clean a grimy cupboard but the sort that cleansed away strong dark influences. He was sure with his Auror skills and maybe the help of Dumbledore and Jimmy, he could rid Godric's Hollow of the barrier Voldemort left when he was killed.
Thumbing page after page of complex spells that weren't exactly what he needed, he came upon a single page that had the strangest drawings on it. Pushing his glasses up, Harry leaned over to take a closer look.
There were various diagrams of circles with runes attached to them. Looking up at the name, his heart skipped a beat.
"Purifying Transmutation."
Reading through the steps, Harry knew he'd found it. The perfect spell. It would be incredibly tricky, had to be done on a full moon, circles had to be drawn that very day, runes had to be carved and soaked in holy water and it couldn't be interrupted or the spells could collapse upon one another and nullify the entire affected area. Very dangerous it seemed. What was worse, his alchemy skills were just short of shotty.
Scratching his head, Harry read on, doing quick calculations on where he could get the sundial, transmutation chalk, white rose petals, pearl stones, blessed water and such. It was the last step that caught him.
" 'And as with all transmutations, the law of equivalent exchange is prevalent. To activate the Purifying Transmutation circles, a single last ingredient is needed. Placed upon the head circle, a sacrifice is required. A sacrifice of the Innocence, of the Pure, of the Heart. What level of sacrifice is given will determine the power of the transmutation.' "
Harry exhaled and sat back, taking a few moments to let that sink in...A sacrifice? As in killing? But not only killing, murdering an innocent creature. The only thing that came to mind was getting ahold of a unicorn. But how? They were all monitored by the Ministry and not even Dumbledore would allow one of the Dark Forest's unicorns to be used in such a way..." 'Sacrifice of the Innocence, of the Pure of the Heart' ...the heart..."
Harry looked up and bit his lip. Of the Heart. Later he would give it more thought. He closed the book, stowed it in his bag with the others and hurried downstairs into the parlor of Black Manor, where the party was well under way.
He peeked in through the double doors, watching as Tonks scolded Sirius for making Remus faint, Hermione giggle at something Jimmy said and Ginny cow what looked to be the whole Weasley family and Draco into admitting she would make a great wife. Everyone was there, even Oliver Wood, Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell, but where was-
"Have you seen Ron?"
"Heard he was sick. Didn't feel like coming down."
"Probably ate something rotten-"
"-Like fish-"
"-Or dungbombs-"
"-Or spoiled milk-"
"-Or Snape's cooking."
"Fred! George!"
"I thought I saw him in the garden, actually. "
"Doing what?"
"Well, sitting from the looks of it."
"Why was he just sitting?"
"How the hell should I know Granger! I don't fancy prying into my friends' minds. If Weasel wants to sit there like a lump, he can sit there."
"You know, you think you'd be a LITTLE more nicer after all we've done for you. "
"Like what? Coo over every single thing Jimmy and I do? Its nauseating. Makes me feel like a stuffed animal."
"Like a cute little bunny."
"Watch it Potter."
Harry slipped back down the hall just as Draco began chasing Jimmy about for calling him 'Bunnykins'. It WAS sort of nauseating how cute they were together. It shouldn't be legal for all that cute to be around. After pulling on a jacket, scarf and beanie, he crept out the back door and headed straight into the hedged in garden. If Draco saw him by just passing by, chances were he moved a bit farther inside. And the only place he thought to look was-
" Ron."
The redhead looked up from his seat on the same bench they had had their fight on. He was leaned forward on his knees and his hair spilled across his forehead, gently blowing in the cold December air. Perhaps he'd done it on a whim, but Harry draped his scarf round the boy's neck and sat next to him. Ron looked downright startled, gingerly fingering the thick, warm scarf as he sat up.
"Thanks..." He murmured and snuggled his head further down into the scarf.
"No problem." Harry muttered in response, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets.
"Mmm..."
"What?" Harry asked, turning to the boy with a little blush.
Ron smiled softly," It smells like you."
Harry blushed a bit more and crossed his ankles." O-oh."
The silence that came was not exactly awkward, but far from peaceful. Harry could tell Ron knew he hadn't come out here for the hell of it. HE knew he hadn't come out here for the hell of it.
Oh for goodness sakes, Potter! Just come right out and say it!
"Ron, I..."
A pair of blue eyes turned to watch him stumble for words.
Harry took a deep breath, idly watching it form a cloud as he exhaled. "Ron, I think we need to talk about New Guinea."
The boy blinked, and Harry pressed on before his brain caught up with his mouth.
"We've been shying away from the problem here, and I know our friendship can't last one more blow." Harry sunk his chin into the collar of his sweatshirt, searching for the right words."That night I found you at the gazebo and what ultimately ended up happening...I admit, it was physical for me...But the longer I had to think about it, the more I came to realize how much I cherished you. And that one night when I came to you and you slept with me in my bed and didn't say a thing about why my wrist was gashed...that was when I truly realized my feelings for you."
Pausing, Harry chanced a glance over. Ron had his head down, his hair curtaining his eyes and what expression they held in them.
"At New Guinea, you were my best friend. The person I cherished most in the world. The person I would sorely miss...and...you were hurting, and I didn't know why, and I didn't know what I could do to help, and then we kissed and we...we made love...and I don't regret it, Ron.I really don't. The only thing I regret from that night is not talking to you about it and stopping things from getting worse, which they inevitably did."
"And what would you have said?" Ron inquired quietly.
Harry stared at the young man, his best friend, and replied just as quietly." ' I'm so sorry, Ron. I never meant for things to get so out of hand...Last night was beautiful and it'll become one of my fondest memories...But I'm bad at this sort of thing. So YOU tell ME what you want.' "
The silence this time was completely unpleasant. Harry waited anxiously for Ron's reply, which felt like would never come. The redhead's eyes were closed, his lips drawn in a tight line, and his fists were bunched up in Harry's scarf. Harry was about to get up to leave when Ron's voice stopped him.
" I would've said 'I want us together. Not just best friends, but TOGETHER. I want to take care of you and make you smile and wipe away your tears and grow old with you. I want to wake up to you like this morning for the rest of my life. I want to be able to just grab you and kiss you and love you exactly the way you deserve to be loved...I just want YOU.' "
Harry bit down on his lip as he watched a tear escape down Ron's freckled cheek. "...so all this time?"
"I've loved you...Ever since the second task in third year." Ron looked down, sniffling. "What now?"
Harry brushed away the tear and met with Ron's misty toffee gaze. The taller youth placed his hand atop Harry's and they were leaning in and his heart was racing and Harry could feel Ron's breath on his cheek and-
"There you two are! I've been hunting all over for you!"
Harry literally jumped at the voice, upsetting him from his precarious sitting arrangement and landing him on the icy ground with a gasp. Ron got to his feet, blushing brightly and didn't even think to help Harry up.
"What is it?"
Ginny stopped infront of them. If she was suspicious of what they had been doing, she didn't react to it and merely placed her hands on his hips." Party, announcement, HELLOOOOOO. Come on now, I especially want you two to hear it."
Harry helped himself to his feet and ambled after Ron, rubbing his injured bum. The raucous inside wasn't as comforting as it should've been. Harry felt off and unsettled. And from the look on Ron's face, he felt the same way.
What had he been about to do? Kissing Ron wasn't going to solve things. It'd only make his situation the more worse. They were in a delicate place right now and kisses were never just kisses for them. And Harry didn't want them to be just kisses but he treasured their friendship more than those delicious moments of bliss. But the little voice in his head that was usually the supplier of his less than remarkable decisions (i.e. going after the Sorcerer's Stone, driving a flying car to school, following spiders into the Forbidden Forest, blowing up Aunt Marge, asking out Cho Chang, sneaking into the Ministry, etc etc etc...) didn't want to shut up. Over and over, it kept repeating the same thing "kiss him..kiss him...kiss him..."
It was getting harder to ignore it.
"Ok! Now that we're all here, I'll tell you why I wanted us to gather in the first place."
"Oh, it wasn't to celebrate all the glorious gay shagging?" Draco said coyly, resting his chin on Jimmy's shoulder.
Ginny batted her eyelashes, smiling." Oh, thats a celebration unto itself, you vain prat, but no. Surprisingly I had a less than superficial reason to call this party."
"Well, what is it then Gin?" Fred asked from behind his butterbeer.
"Well!" Ginny started, clapping her hands together excitedly." As you all know, I've been working like a maniac as Minister-" here, grunts of agreement were heard from not only Jimmy, but various other Weasleys."-and all the stress has finally paid off!"
Harry rose his eyebrow at Ginny's obvious excitement. He just didn't see the big deal with politics now that Fudge was out of office or why it would be this fantastic.
"Well, out with it Gin!" George pressed.
"Ok, well...after a long and hard debate, the Wizengamot has finally passed an amendment to article 36 of the Ministry Mandate."
Jimmy frowned." That's the one prohibiting Ministry Officials to date the same sex, right?"
At this, Ginny grinned." Yep!"
NOW, Harry was intrigued." So what exactly did you 'amend'?"
Ginny looked besides herself with glee." Well, to put it simply...now they can."
"Can what?" Ron asked, looking puzzled.
"They can date the same sex." Ginny stated simply." And as of today, a petition to allow same-sex marriages has finally entered the Wizengamot's program to begin the first stage of voting."
Jimmy, Draco, Ron and Harry all exchanged looks of bewilderment before the room was filled with shouts of joy. Draco swung Jimmy round while the Weasleys surrounded the couple. Sirius and Remus held eachother, twin grins of happiness on their faces. Harry stared at the floor, feeling Ron's gaze so heavy on him it was if he was being crushed. The din of happiness was quickly drowned out by the intensity of Harry's crumbling world.
"Can you BELIEVE it? It's just too much."
Harry looked up lazily from the magazine to Jimmy who had paused in his task of stocking fresh laundry in his dresser to stare at the wall in wonder. The elder Potter sighed and scratched his head, going back to an article about a wizard who lost his foot to his school sweetheart. It was much more interesting than listening to THIS prattle again.
"I still can't get over it. How Ginny managed to pull that amendment off, I'll never know. But..."He once again paused, a pair of boxers pressed to his chest."GOD! Its-"
"Unbelievable. YES, Jimmy, we get it. "Harry snapped, getting off the bed and throwing the magazine on top of the pillows.
Jimmy turned with a scowl, stuffing the last of the laundry into the drawer, regardless of whether the jeans really went with the undergarments." What the hell is your problem? You've been acting like a jackass ever since we got back from the party yesterday."
Harry grunted and strode from the room, ignoring his brother's growls of fury. It was probably inevitable that the boy would follow him into his own room, despite the door almost slamming in his face.
"The fuck! I'm this close to just slapping the shit outta you. Now what the HELL has crawled up your ass?" Jimmy demanded, hands on hips as he glowered levelly at his twin.
Harry rummaged through his closet, in need of a decent jacket before realizing he'd left his thickest at Sirius'. "Nothing."
Jimmy growled and stomped over, jerking the jacket Harry had been in the process of putting on off and clear across the room."Bullshit! You've been a jerk for weeks now. Even Draco's starting to complain."
"Oh, well, if his majesty is complaining..."He muttered, grabbing a sweater instead and walking to the door.
"Is that what this is about? Draco? Him living here?"
Harry shoved his long hair back moodily, "As if I'd care either way."
"Sure doesn't seem like it."
"Well then YOU'RE the idiot, cause I don't have a problem with the Princess," he said as he walked from the room and headed down the stairs.
Jimmy narrowed his eyes and quickly followed, " Then who? Me?"
"I don't have a problem with ANYONE, just stop it. You're overreacting over a whole lot of nothing," Harry grumbled as he nicked his keys and wallet from the coffee table.
"Then why don't you stay and talk to me for once? You're always walking away! You're never home! All I ever see of you lately is your BACK! Just TALK to me Harry!"
The brunette paused his hand on the doorknob, hearing the hitch of desperation in his brother's voice.
"It's Ron, isn't it. You guys talked and now you're freaking out. God! What is it about him that always has you losing your head!"
Harry bit his lip, feeling some irrational brashness slowly leaving his body.
"If you love him, then just LOVE him, Harry. There're no laws or Punickle or shared genetics standing in your way. So either be with him or do us all a favor and end things once and for all, cause the drama is getting old."
He didn't bother to wait to give a reply or defend himself or cry in agreement, he simply slipped out the door and disappeared into the late evening rainstorm.
The next morning Sirius would be startled to find a soaked Harry Potter slumped beneath a yew tree in the Black Gardens.
After coming inside and having Sirius dry him off as Remus forced a cup of hot tea down his throat, Harry was then led into Remus' study and sat down for an explanation.
"I don't have one."
Sirius frowned as Remus shoved another cup of tea into Harry's hands. "Bollocks. You almost catch pneumonia and you expect us to believe you did it out of sheer IMPULSE?"
Harry stared into his hot drink, feeling numb not only from the cold. He felt the couch dip besides him and an arm curl round his shoulders. His cheek pressed against a warm chest and he was hard-pressed not to start crying.
Another body sat down besides him and soon he was sandwiched between two very firm, comforting embraces. Sure, he was nineteen, lived on his own, had a job and took care of himself, but nothing said he had to be strong and independent ALWAYS.
So he broke down, if only briefly. Silent tears spilled down his cheeks and he frantically tried to find words to describe exactly WHY his life was such a mess and the constant pang of hopelessness as he spun out of control. Sirius and Remus demanded no more explainations and just held him, occasionally sniffling once or twice themselves.
What felt like hours later, they broke apart and, ever the doting maternal figure, Remus persuaded Harry to eat a biscuit.
"Do you feel like talking, Harry?" Remus inquired gently.
"You don't have to if you don't want to. We can just sit here and be here for you if thats what you want," Sirius added on, tucking Harry's hair behind his ears.
The brunette smiled gratefully, fresh tears trickling down his cheeks. He didn't like to admit it, but he loved it when they acted like this. Like mother and father. Even though Harry had Lily and James, he knew only Sirius and Remus would be his true parents. "Thanks...even if I wanted to talk, I don't think I could. "
"What do you mean?" Remus asked, buttering another biscuit for the boy.
"I...I can't really describe what I'm going through right now. All I know is that I'm...confused. So..LOST. Like I'm in the Third Task's maze, fighting to find my way out and all I do is get deeper and deeper into the fog."
The couple exchanged a worried glance over Harry's head before settling their attention back on him.
"Do you know what started this? What exactly made you feel this way?" Sirius asked.
Harry sighed and hung his head. It wasn't that he was afraid to admit it, because he knew Sirius and Remus would be accepting. It just felt...so final. His carefully crafted denial would inevitably break under the pressure of reality."I...it's Ron."
The older men nodded knowingly and gently squeezed each side of Harry's shoulders. In face of the following silence, they knew he wasn't going to elaborate an already tired topic, seeing as it'd be redundant and needlessly painful. So instead, Remus handed him another warm biscuit and Sirius let Harry rest his head on the man's lap and soon the warmth of the room combined with the doting care of the couple had Harry finally sleeping.
It was well past midnight when Harry slipped out the study door and crept soundlessly down the staircase. After making it to the kitchen successfully, he grabbed a pen and scribbled a quick thank you note while grabbing a rather enticing looking apple from the basket on the kitchen table. Propping the note atop said basket, he was almost out the door when a certain hoarse voice called him back.
"Not even gonna pop in to say hello?"
Harry stiffened, knuckles turning white as he gripped the doorjam in panic. It was too early yet to be dealing with this right now.
"Oh...so that's the way its going to be, eh. Guess I saw it coming."
He wanted to speak, he really did, but emotions were stacking up and deep-rooted fears and horrible habits kept him from opening his mouth.
"Alright then. I suppose...that's that."
Harry turned ever the slightest, unaware that his face had paled and his eyes ringed red with unshed tears." That's that."
Ron's expression remained impassive. The first time Harry had ever seen Ron guard his inner thoughts and emotions from him. And that was the clincher. That single act told Harry, once and for all, that it was over. They both couldn't keep running round in circles and chasing after something that wouldn't happen. So Ron nodded and Harry looked away and a nine year run finally came to an end.
Days probably turned into weeks, he didn't know, he'd lost track at this point. He'd quit his job at Weasley's Wheezes and never left his bedroom save a trip to the loo and weekends spent in Prague, occupying that flavor of the week's bed until monday morning. He slept during the day and stayed up all night, plinking away at his computer because complete strangers thousands of miles away took away the memories faster than anyone nearby.
Stupid conversations that melted into one big blur. Everything became a blur, a smudge. Something insignificant rubbed away by the wear of time. Life went on outside his door, but he stayed the same. Just as lost and confused and hopeless as before. The spiral he felt himself tumbling down finally had a black pit at the bottom, in which he currently resided. He never thought depression suited him well, but for once, he let himself subcuumb. It felt nice, really. Giving in and letting go of the pressure of making a decision right NOW NOW NOW, knowing he'd lost the only chance he'd probably ever get of having someone love him. Knowing now he'd be alone.
He didn't intend on living here forever. He couldn't stand to look at Jimmy and Draco's glares were becoming too much to bear. He'd decided to take a page from Ron's book and move far away. Already he'd found a studio in Prague that looked perfect.
"You can't keep going at this rate." Cienna had said somewhere along the line. "Sooner or later, you're going to crash and burn."
"'bout time, don't you think." He'd replied and he was sure he hadn't seen her since.
The monitor blared brightly in the dark room as he typed away to tonight's current distraction; a girl from Texas who had an annoying way of chopping up the English language. And as the cursor blinked monotonously in the half-written chatbox, a choked sob snaked up his throat and fresh tears spilled down his pallid cheeks.
This was life now. And he hated every second of it.
His room had seemed to have sealed shut on him somewhere along the way. No sounds filtered through the walls and the world just outside his window moved on without him in a silent, mocking sort of way. It was on one of these days as he sat on the window seat, watching a family from up the road taking a nice Sunday stroll, that his self-inflected isolation was disturbed.
"Hello Harry."
To say he was shocked would be overestimating his range of emotions by then. He was mildly surprised, mostly suspicious, as he turned back to look out the window after a brief glance at his visitor. "They couldn't talk to me themselves, so they sent in the B-team."
Hermione frowned and walked over, her heels the only sound in the quiet room. Her jacket rustled as she sat down on the edge of the immaculate bed and smoothed down nonexistent wrinkles on the bedspread. He could hear her searching for the right way to start, and he wasn't very much in the mood to humor her.
"You're wasting your time, you know. Why don't you just get back to work and stay out of other people's business."
It was a testament to how long they'd gone without properly speaking to eachother that Harry would dare mutter such disrespect to Molly Weasley Incarnate, Hermione Granger herself.
But instead of the usual tirade she'd usually succumb to, she merely sighed, almost sadly, and shifted a brown-wrapped parcel onto her lap. "Oh Harry, what's happened to you."
He scoffed halfheartedly, dull green eyes following the path of a bird outside.
"You may think that Sirius or sent me, and yes, you're right, they sought me out to try and talk to you. They seemed to think that what with us having been best friends at Hogwarts, that of all people, I'd be able to get through to you." Here she took a pause, and Harry almost turned around to see why. "But I know better. Just because I was your best friend didn't mean I necessarily knew you best. Alot happened the past few years to really damage what we had, and they don't understand that. They don't see that...that we both changed."
Now Harry turned around.
"But even though we both changed, doesn't mean I can't still be here for you when you're in trouble. I know it was different before. There're no stones to save, no monsters to slay, no Godfathers to rescue, no more adventures to research for. This time its real, its LIFE."
Harry kept his eyes trained on her shoes, noticing that they, like the rest of her, were neat and buffed and pretty. " So what makes you think you can help me?"
"Because...I love you, Harry. I always have."
Turning pained green eyes up to her, he stared and tried to hold back the dull ache of memories." No you don't. You never did. It was all a hoax, a lie, a plot just to kill me...Its always just a lie..."
"Maybe those few months, yes, but I loved you before that. You were, and still are, like a brother to me, Harry. You're so very precious to me."
Perhaps it was something in the way she spoke, maybe it was even the words themselves, or maybe he was just too drained to hide it, but something in him strained. His posture gave nothing away of course, but Hermione, being who she was, saw the subtle signs and took advantage.
Soon, Harry found himself nuzzled to a soft sweater, arms cradling his head so tenderly that tears sprung to his eyes.
He would've liked to have cried then, to let a bit of the agony inside of him release in the form of a cascade of cool tears. But it was not to be. He merely sat there, limp, confused and numb as Hermione stroked his hair and muttered desperate pleas for him to let her help.
He wished she could've helped. She always helped in the past. There had never been a problem he couldn't find the answer to with her. But like Hermione had said, they both changed, this was not some rash adventure. This was life. HIS life.
But he sat with her anyway and ate the chocolate she had brought him and let her pet his hair as he dutifully laid his head in her lap and tried to get the sleep she demanded from him. And he knew he had to find a solution. He knew it had to end.
Things never seemed as clear as when one decided to stand on the sidelines. To look at a problem objectively and come to an equally objective solution. That was supposed to be a skill, a special knack; but then again, who could EVER be objective about their heart?
Harry was no exception. He could strategize and attack with the best of them, but when it came to matters of the heart, well...he was pathetic. Amazing, really, of all things to bring down the Boy-Who-Lived-Again, it was the love of a ginger-haired boy.
Harry trekked the last few paces down the hill and sunk bodily to his knees at the foot of the headstone. It seemed almost silly that he hadn't thought to visit his parents during his chaotic descent into depression. What he needed was comfort. What he needed was support. What he needed was guidance.
"Hey. Bet you weren't expecting me back so soon, eh?" He mumbled, a dry smile tugging at his lips. "I almost didn't come. It...didn't really cross my mind to seek solace in you. I know that sounds bad, but its the truth. I have Siri and Remus but I just can't bring myself to go to them again. I don't want to bother them with my problems. I haven't really gotten used to going to people for help. I guess I always thought...heroes don't need rescuing."
At first, it had seemed so childish to talk to a slab of marble and some grass, seeing as the people it was for were long gone. But now that he was here, and the cold December breeze whistled across the hills and the thick grey clouds cast shadows over everything and there was nothing for miles on either side of him, it felt like it would be wrong if he didn't talk to them.
Lowering his head, he curled up next to the smooth marble, idly tracing the engravings with a gloved fingertip as he mused." I don't know what I was expecting coming here. Peace? Solutions? Some grand miracle that would somehow fix me? I'm not sure anymore...I just..."
just ...what...?
Harry frowned, staring at a few blades of grass that were slapping against the bottom of the grave. " I just want answers. I want this screaming in my head to go AWAY. I just-"
want it to end?
"Yes! Is that so wrong?"
it depends.
"On what?"
on you.
"What?"
you thought by coming here, you'd escape the truth by asking questions to which you know you'd never get the answer. you were seeking solace through silence.
"What! What's that supposed to mean?"
stop running, Harry.
"I'm not running from anything."
stop lying to yourself. stop lying to us.
"I'm not lying. I'm just-"
you're lying to yourself. you're denying the truth. you're running away from everything and everyone. stop running, baby. stop running.
"I'm not running I said! Let me ex-"
-stop hurting yourself.
"Stop it!"
stop blaming yourself for things that weren't in your control.
"STOP it!"
stop denying yourself the love you deserve. stop pushing him away.
"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!"
stop it Harry. please. stop it. stop it. stop it. stop it. stop-
"SHUT UP! Just shut UP!" Harry screamed, leaping to his feet. The bitter wind stung at his tear-streaked cheeks, chilling him despite his jacket, sweater and scarf. " Don't you think I know all this! I'm not the bloody idiot everyone seems to think I am! I know what I've done! I know what I've become! I know what-" Harry paused in his rant to gulp in cold air. This was the painful bit. " what I'm afraid of."
The wind on the hills almost sounded like whispers, encouraging him on. At this stage, he didn't much care if they were or weren't. For all intents and purposes, his parents were there, watching and listening as he finally brokedown.
"Cause that's it, isn't it? I'm...afraid." This revelation should've shocked him, but it didn't. Somewhere inside of him, he already knew. All those excuses. All those lies. Punickle and laws and regrets and Death-Eaters. It was all just so he could stay at a distance and keep himself safe. He could save the world, but he couldn't save himself.
Voldemort had set out to kill him and only now did Harry realize he'd done so much more...He'd managed to kill any hope of Harry being able to love properly. Cause he'd always be looking over his shoulder. He'd always be expecting the worse. He'd always be prepared for loss and death and blood and nightmares. He was so used to it, he'd built his entire life around Voldemort and his attacks. He hadn't won. The Dark Lord had.
"Is that it? Is that the end then? What am I supposed to do now?" Harry muttered weakly into his hands, the wind tugging at his loose hair. The silence that dragged on in the wake of his internal indulgence was deafening. Lowering his hands to his sides, he stared at the immobile block of stone. Curling fingers into fists, he spoke louder." What am I supposed to do now?"
Still, he was met with silence.
Feeling betrayed somehow, abandoned, he kicked the headstone viciously, forgoing the pain in favor of screaming, " WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO! ANSWER ME GOD DAMMIT!"
The trees rustled their leaves and the breeze lifted his hair in every direction.
Feeling the fight leave him almost instantaneously, he slumped against the headstone, a dry sob spilling from defeated lips. "...please...what am I...supposed to do...?"
...just...
Green eyes lifted, a clear stretch of blue-grey sky meeting with billowing oceans of frost-tipped grass. "Just...what?"
...let go...
Harry pushed himself up, looking around the empty hillside, as if the tree and the grass and the clouds would give him an explanation. "Let go? Let go of what? What do you mean?!"
A large, gaping silence followed and Harry was just about to sink back onto the grass and never get back up when a strong gust of wind plowed into him suddenly. Barely catching himself from toppling over, he grasped onto the headstone, gasping as a particularly fierce current yanked his scarf from round his neck. He watched in stunned bewilderment as the wind lifted his scarf high up into the air then carried it beyond the hill. Shaking himself from his temporary stupor, Harry scrambled in pursuit, slipping once or twice on small patches of snow and mud.
The scarf danced and twirled above his head, red fringe taunting him as it flew on ahead of him. Too busy frantically trying to snag at a tassel or two, he didn't notice his chase had led him straight through the village. Finally, his race ended as the brilliant orange scarf fortuitously snagged on the branch of a scraggly tree.
Scowling at the offending article of clothing, Harry then stopped to take in his surroundings and when he did, he was nothing short of stumped.
For he stood in the middle of the backyard of the ruins of his parents' home. Though he would've liked to have taken the opportunity to curse at the omnipotence of whatever deities were fooling with him, he couldn't help but pause and accept the moment for what it was.
It couldn't exactly be called divine intervention, because he was sure he would never hear the end of it from Sirius who would assume James would be gloating from his little cloud, his ego increased exponentially at being referred to as 'divine'.
But as the Weasley scarf waved at him merrily from its perch, and the wind pushed away quite a few leaves from what looked to be the only stretch of floor still perfectly intact and the words "just let go" humming in his ear, Harry wasn't sure what else to call it, but it was as close as divine as he could get.
And Sirius would just have to deal.
tbc...