A/N: I do not own Kateko Hitman Reborn or any of it's characters. Nor do I own the song Heavy in Your Arms by Florence + the machine. I own only this story.
SHOT TWENTY-ONE: HEAVY IN YOUR ARMS {DAEMON SPADE}
{This will be my last confession
I love you never felt like any blessing}
His thrusts came faster and you could feel his body growing tense above you. It would be over soon, a fact you knew and welcomed. And sure enough, as he rammed into you, his heavy breathing and throaty cries a muted cacophony of sound barely registering in your brain, he threw back his head and released his warm load into you. Huffing and puffing heavily, he lowered himself onto you, cradling your listless, unresponsive body beneath him. Dropping a kiss onto your shoulder, he rolled off of you to lie smirking on his back in the bed.
"Goodnight, (y/n)," you heard him mutter from beside you. You could hear the smirk in his voice as he added, almost as an after-thought. "I love you."
"I love you too, Daemon," you said mechanically through numb lips. Your reaction felt scripted to you, as it must to him though he didn't show any sign that he cared about that. It was an automatic reaction now, something you didn't need to think about or mean. Your body remained in it's prone position on your back, your eyes gazing up uninterestedly at the white-washed ceiling. You wouldn't have been able to say if you were comfortable or not and you didn't consider moving or shifting positions. It was too much work and your brain didn't register any needs or wants to do either of those things. Your brain didn't register much these days, keeping you on a constant auto-pilot that kept you doing what you were expected day in and day out without feeling or thinking. It kept you empty, kept you numb, made you heavy.
The digital clock at your bedside kept counting the passing times, fusing minutes into hours as you lay there, unsleeping, unmoving. It kept ticking by the seconds until all you could hear around you was his heavy breathing at your side as he slept easily mixing with the heavy thunking of rain against your bedroom windows as it torrented down, bringing loud claps of thunder with it. You didn't even register anything, even as you sat up and brought your legs out of the bed and onto the floor, rising softly as something in your brain guided you, kept you from waking him.
You looked down at him, sleeping in the bed, smirk on his face even in slumber. Turning your head away from him, you padded softly out of your bedroom and down the hall to the balcony off the top floor of your large house. It was a main selling point when you and him had first bought this house, a madly in love couple just five years ago. It gave you a fantastic view. And even though the house had turned out to be much more of a fixer-upper than the realtor had ever let on, you'd never dreamed of giving up that home because of that view that you'd come to love so much.
That same view did nothing to you now as you stepped out on to the balcony, heavy rain already lashing at you. You barely even registered it, it brought you no happiness anymore. Nothing brought you happiness anymore. You didn't care about the rain as it poured down, soaking you and plastering your hair against your head and across your face. The thunder you'd used to be so frightened of didn't produce a single thrill in you and you couldn't have said, if asked, if you were cold though your body shivered in the cold night and your breath hung in the air.
Your feet guided you farther and farther out onto the balcony until you came to the railing. Resting your hands on it, you stared down at the weathered wood for a minute or two, running your finger over a spot. A heart had been crudely engraved there, a set of initials in the middle of it. You'd engraved it there one night, you remembered, on a sudden whim. Daemon had laughed when he saw it, mocked you about it for a week afterwards though he'd also kissed you after seeing it, taking you right up on the balcony that same night, right at the spot where that heart was carved.
Blinking, you stopped rubbing that spot, shutting your eyes for a second with a small smile at the remembrance of happier times. Using the railing as leverage, you swung first one, then both legs over the railing, turning so that your back faced the railing, your hands barely holding onto the wet, slippery wood. You stared down at the ground so far below. It was muddy and wet but it was solid, that you could tell. A feeling of vertigo rushed in on you, causing you to tighten your grip for a second. Your smile grew larger and you actually laughed, something you couldn't remember doing for years now. You'd been living without thoughts or feelings for too long now, trapped in this obsessive, unhealthy love that you couldn't escape. You'd drowned in his love for you and yours had disappeared long ago, that you knew.
You'd become a zombie, bound to his will with no way to break the spell. Except this. This would free you, this was your only choice left and for the first time in a long time, it was you choosing something, not him. This was your choice and the sudden exhilaration you felt at this realization made you laugh even louder as you released your hold on the railing and took another step forward, your eyes closing of their own accord.
You kept your eyes closed, having no wish to see the ground below you ever again and gave your body over to the feeling of hurtling through the air, falling at a hundred and twenty miles an hour towards an all too solid ground, your half-crazed laughter still coming in laboured bursts. It almost felt like flying, you reflected. Oh god, you'd always wanted to fly. When you were little, you remembered in a sharp burst of memory, you'd watch the birds for hours on end, wishing and praying every night that God might give you wings like them so that you could take flight and go all over the world. Now you were flying all right, just without the wings. Your mind prepared itself for the impact it was sure was coming soon.
But there was no impact, no matter how long you waited. Pretty soon, even the exhilarating feeling of free-falling left you and, confused, you cracked open your eyes and stared into bottomless blue eyes. Daemon's eyes. A tear slipped out of the corner of your eye and your face contorted into one of horrified sadness as his smirk grew. You didn't fight, didn't speak, didn't do anything but cry as he slipped an arm around you and curled you into him, cuddling you onto his chest.
"Now, you didn't think I'd actually let you jump, did you?" he said with a mocking laugh as his hand bit into your flesh. You lay there silently still, not reacting, sobbing silently.
"You're mine, aren't you? Didn't you tell me you loved me? Didn't you swear you'd love me always?" he asked more persistently and your auto-pilot took over, your head nodding and your voice robotically reciting your love.
"You're mine then," he assured you. "Forever."