Love Toushiro
"Hitsugaya-san? Hitsugaya-san?"
The young man doesn't answer.
"Young man, please answer the question."
He hears the judge losing patience in the back of his mind.
The lawyer's eyes widen as he realizes that what his client is about to do. He quickly strides over and slams his fist onto the surface of the desk as he hisses in fear.
"Don't."
That was the end.
That was when I lost everything. You were wrong, about what you said before killing Aizen with that single bullet, lodged in his head. Wrong about how I had died long before.
That moment when you fired. That was the moment I died.
Because right after that, I lost the only thing I ever truly cared about: I lost you.
When I slowly pushed Aizen's corpse from me and looked at him, it was weird. He looked like a man. Just any other man. But then I looked at you, slumped over, your legs unable to burden the weight that had been piling on top of your shoulders for months.
You looked as if there were devils haunting you.
Pupils dilated, body shuddering, arms grasping your head…the stranger from before was gone. Even the older, more mature Momo was gone. It was as if the events that just occurred ripped the layers of change away, leaving nothing but a frightened, ten-year-old girl.
"I…I…killed…"
I crawled towards you and wrapped my arms around you as you clutched my sweat-drenched shirt. You screamed in agony, mixed in with this sense of loss, as you sobbed.
I held you tighter, as if doing so would squeeze out all the memories of today, yesterday, these last few years. After a while, the hiccupping stopped.
"D-Daddy…" You pulled away and looked up at me with these vacant eyes.
You whispered hoarsely, "What happened? Where's…my Daddy?"
Something stabbed me, clean through the heart, colder than any blade, more painful than anything.
That was the moment I knew you were gone.
With that, you closed your eyes and collapsed into my lap. Droplets of water fell on your pale cheeks. I looked up to see the ceiling, realizing that there were no clouds—just me.
I kept my head tilted upwards and screamed at the gods—or whoever the cruel person was controlling the world. The tears burned and the crying hurt my throat. All the anger that kept me surviving was gone. I was left with only sorrow.
Which really meant that I was alone.
But working off pure despair, I was capable enough to grab the gun and cover it in my handprints. My empty mind led me over to the corpse of the man we once feared and wipe my hands in his pooling blood.
I sat by you the rest of the time and waited.
When I heard the sirens outside along with the yelling of demands, I stood. I stood and waited for the door to open. When it did, I made sure to mask myself. I made sure that what the police would find was an innocent little girl, a dead man, and a monster covered in blood.
I succeeded.
"Toushiro! Don't fuck with me!" Desperation, anger is in the lawyer's voice. "Stop trying to be the goddamn hero! This isn't time for that!"
The young man returns him a small, sad smile.
The teachers at Karakura High always told me I had the shittiest conclusions to my essays. And I guess that still stands for me, even if it's been years.
But that's what happened.
Sometimes—like now—I think about how things could've been, even if I know it's no use. There are times where I see myself walking down the streets with you, in our school clothes, smiling and laughing like there's nothing wrong in the world. In those images, it's always the two of us doing the most trivial things—but they all fill me with this sort of sadness all the same.
I'm sorry. Sorry for everything that happened. I can't help but feel guilty that a person like you had to suffer so much. Even if it is the cruel realities of the world that should be apologizing.
The sun is starting to rise, which means I have spent the whole night writing. It also means that I'll be able to see you for the first time in for what seems like an eternity. I wonder how much you've grown…how much you've changed…
But none of that matters because you are the only light that I have left.
That's why you'll never read this.
I realize now that none of this was really written for you. It was written for me—as a second chance to relive my moments with you again completely, from beginning to end. And after writing all this, I am able to realize something that I can't believe I never thought about before. Something that I had been aiming for since I was the little boy of ten that met you.
This is my chance to save you.
A few hours from now, I will walk into that courtroom and see you. And we will be years apart. But that still doesn't change the fact that you are Momo. And I am me.
Goodbye, Momo.
"I shot him. I'm guilty."
Love,
Toushiro