Chapter Twenty: No Rest for the Weary
The next day would be a rough one for Clementine. She never ended up falling asleep again the night before, albeit she didn't try too hard. She was afraid she'd have that nightmare again and wake up screaming, so she lied awake for hours with AJ sleeping beside her. Now she was exhausted, with a whole day's worth of work to look forward to, all while the horrifying images of her nightmare still haunted her psyche. She would have to rely on the energy given to her by a decent breakfast on some coffee to get her through the day.
Clementine felt weak in both body and mind as she made her way to the main office to meet Violet for their morning brief, where they'd go over the plans for the day. No doubt Violet would want to talk about her nightmare, and she still wasn't sure if she was ready for it, but the last thing she wanted to do was make Violet more frustrated than she already was. When Clementine walked into the office, she was unsurprised to see Violet already there, sitting behind Marlon's desk with Rosie sitting in the corner. The couple had been taking care of the dog the most since Marlon died, although none of the kids had claimed ownership of the dog.
"Hey Vi," Clementine said, managing a weak smile.
"Hey Clem," Violet said back, clearly troubled herself.
Clementine sat in her chair on the other side of the desk, which they had more or less repurposed into a table for the both of them. It was small, but that was just fine for them. Usually, they had no problem at all being so close to each other, but this moment was more uncomfortable than most.
"So, have any more nightmares?" Violet asked, immediately addressing the elephant in the room. "I didn't hear any more screams."
"That's because I never fell back asleep again. I've been up for hours," Clementine admitted with a sigh.
"Shit-sticks," Violet frowned, her hopes of her girlfriend having gotten some sleep now crushed. Violet knew the previous day had been a very, very long one, and from the sound of it, Clementine wasn't able to get any rest. "I'm really sorry, Clem, is there something I can do?" Violet asked, hating to be useless, especially when it was Clementine who needed help. "I mean, I'd really like to talk about it."
"I know you want to, Violet, and we will. Not now though," Clementine said, still deciding to put it off, although the longer she waited, the worse it would get. "Let's just focus on this for now, okay? The school's more important."
Violet didn't look happy at all, but there was a lot to take care of, especially since they had lost Ruby. She wasn't sure it was more important than Clementine's mental state, however. "Okay," she eventually said, although reluctantly.
"So, what's up first?" Clementine asked.
"Well," Violet started with a sigh, for she wasn't looking forward to having this conversation. "I hate to pour salt on fresh wounds, but we need to talk about what we're gonna do now that Ruby's gone. She was the closest things we had to a doctor."
Clementine had been thinking about this problem since yesterday. Ruby was a terrible person to lose, not that anyone would have been good to lose, but Ruby had a very valuable skill set. With a group as small as theirs, there wasn't much in the way of suitable replacements either.
"Well, I guess I could take over," Clementine proposed, "I'm pretty good at stitching up wounds. I don't know nearly as much about medicine as Ruby did though, but I guess I could learn."
"Clem, you've already got so much on your plate with being co-leader, and now you've got all this mental shit to deal with. You've already got too much to deal with, you can't handle anymore," Violet argued, her concern for her girlfriend showing greatly.
"What other choice do we have, Violet? None of the other kids have any medical experience, do you?"
Violet let out a tired sigh, "No, we don't. Honestly, we really shoulda thought of that. Ruby was way too valuable to risk."
"Nothing we can do about it now."
"No, no there's not," Violet agreed, rather morbidly, growing more and more dispirited. "This is fucked up, Clementine. I can't just watch you lose your mind trying to do everything at once. Maybe . . . if you insist on taking over for Ruby, maybe I should take over as leader, at least until you're better."
"I can't do that to you, Violet. It was so hard for you alone," Clementine said.
"Dammit, Clementine. It's okay to be selfish once in a while. I'm trying to help you, stop making me feel so bad about it," Violet said, the frustration in her blue eyes as clear as day.
Just then, a knock came at the door, breaking the tension in the air. Both girls, rather startled from the sudden disturbance, jumped a bit in their seats, turning to the closed door.
"Violet, Clementine? Are you guys in here?" came Minnie's light voice, for she knew the two convened in here every morning, or at least tried to.
"Yeah, we both are, Minnie. Come in," Violet said, sinking back down into her chair.
Minnie opened the door and entered the room, now standing before the two stressed out leaders. "Hey guys," she greeted them, with an obvious, worried tone.
"Hey Minnie. What's up? We're kind of in the middle of something here," Violet said, glancing back to Clementine.
"Well, I figured you guys were both freaked out, trying to find a replacement for Ruby and all."
Violet was taken aback, as was Clementine. "Yeah, we were literally just talking about that. Why?"
"I learned a lot about fixing up injuries when I was with those raiders," Minnie revealed, "Broken bones, blade and bullet wounds, whatever. It wasn't enough to save my sister, but I've gotten a pretty good amount of experience now. I don't know nearly as much about medicine and herbs like Ruby did, but I'm sure she kept some books around and wrote stuff down, so I'm sure I could learn. I mean, I'm the reason Ruby's dead. The least I could do is take over for her."
Violet looked stunned, although this was fantastic news, relatively speaking anyway. "Minnie, that would be amazing. Thanks, seriously. That makes shit so much easier."
Clementine's relief was practically palpable, for even though she would have done it, Violet was right. trying to handle Ruby's role as well as everything else would have been far too much for her. Minnie might have just spared Clementine total self-destruction.
"Like I said, it's the least I can do," Minnie said, managing a slight smile.
"But it's not your fault what happened to Ruby," Violet added, for Minnie was being far too hard on herself. "You can't blame yourself for that shit, you didn't kill her."
"I brought them back here. They came to find me," Minnie said, not believing Violet.
"They would've come anyway, Minnie," Clementine said, standing up from her seat. "And if they wouldn't have, it's still not your fault. You came back to the only place you thought you could be happy. No one can blame you for that."
Minnie still looked unconvinced, but didn't argue anymore. "I'm gonna go through Ruby's old things, if that's okay. As painful as it will be, maybe I can find something that'll be useful," Minnie said, changing the subject.
"Well, that sounds like a good idea," Violet said back, although worrying for the painful feelings such an act might bring up. "Just don't push yourself, Minnie. You're still not okay," Violet reminded her.
"I know," Minnie replied, before turning back towards the door. "Well, I guess I'll get to it. I'm glad that helps a bit."
"It helps a lot, Minnie, not a bit," Violet assured her with a smile. "Take care of yourself, okay? I'll see you later."
"Bye," Minnie said, forcing a smile like usual before she walked out the door, closing it gently behind her.
"Thank fuck for that," Violet sighed, almost overwhelmed with relief.
"She's either the sweetest person in the world, or a total nightmare. There's no in-between with her," Clementine noted, looking towards Violet.
Violet nodded, knowing what she meant. "Well, hopefully we never have to see that side of her again."
"Amen to that," Clementine agreed. "So, what else needs taking care of?"
After Ruby's death, Tennessee had hardly seen anyone. He had hidden away in his room as he often did when he was upset, not coming out for some time. During times like these, he wouldn't let anyone in to see him, even though practically everyone at the school was a close friend by now. However, today there would be an exception. As he was working on one of his drawings, a knock came at his door.
"Hey, Tenn? It's your sister. Can we talk?"
Tennessee's head snapped to the door, a bit surprised, for usually Minnie is happy to give him his space. He figured that whatever his sister wanted, it was probably important. He jumped off his bed to go open the door for her. Tenn was met with Minnie's familiar smiling face, although he knew her well enough to tell when it was genuine and when it was not. At this point, smiling had become Minnie's default face, whether she was happy or not. Perhaps it was a defense mechanism she had created to deal with all the sadness in her life.
"Hey Minnie, what's going on?" Tennessee asked, for she obviously wanted something from him. "You doing okay?"
"Well, not really," Minnie admitted, "That's kind of why I'm here. Now that Ruby's gone, I volunteered to take over as our doctor, or medic, or whatever, and now I've gotta do something really hard. I have to go into Ruby's room and look through her things, and honestly Tenn, I don't think I can do it by myself," Minnie admitted, her smile fading. "I know it might be asking too much, but I was hoping—."
"Yeah, I'll come with you," Tenn said, reading Minnie's mind. "We both need to face this sooner or later, I guess."
Minnie's smile returned, only this one she meant. She wasn't sure how this was going to go at first, but she should have never doubted Tenn. Even when in his own emotional turmoil, he showed no hesitation when it came to helping his sister in her time of need.
"You're the best brother ever, Tenn. Thanks so much."
"Come on, let's go," Tennessee said, modestly brushing off the compliment. "Better to just get it over with."
"Okay," Minnie agreed, now feeling a thousand times more motivated, like she could actually do this now.
They made their way across the school towards the late Ruby's room, which was quite a far distance from Tenn's. Minnie decided to talk about something else that had been on her mind, in an effort to lighten the mood from the very hard thing they had to do.
"Hey Tenn, what happened to all of Sophie's paintings? The ones that used to hang in our room? They're not there anymore."
"Oh yeah," Tennessee remembered now. Somehow he had completely forgotten about that. "We still have them. We stowed them all away in an old storage room. Sorry I never told you," Tennessee apologized, now feeling foolish and guilty.
"It's okay, it slipped my mind too," Minnie assured him. "Do you think I could get one for my room? It'll make me sad, but all of Sophie's work shouldn't just be left to be forgotten about. That would be even worse."
"Yeah, of course. Maybe I could get one too, actually. I'm really sorry we took them down, we were all just so sad. We didn't know what to do."
"No, its okay, I get it. Right after I lost Sophie, that last thing I wanted to do was think about her, except that ended up being I could do. Now that some time has passed though, well, I think we should think of her more often."
"Yeah, I think you're right," Tenn agreed.
Before the two knew it, they were standing in front of Ruby's door. Minnie took a deep breath, resisting the urge to knock on the door out of habit. This was going to be tougher than she thought. If Tenn wasn't there to help her, she might not have been able to go through with it. Tennessee reached for the doorknob, opening the door for his sister. The siblings stepped inside Ruby's old room, feeling more than just a bit awkward. It felt so wrong being there without Ruby, almost as if they weren't supposed to be there. Minnie wanted to get this over with as soon as possible, and she hoped that her brother shared that sentiment.
"God, this feels disrespectful, going through her things like this," Minnie breathed trying to contain herself.
"I think Ruby would understand," said Tennessee.
"Yeah, I think you're right. You search the closet, okay? Look for books or notes on medicine, or anything useful. I'll check the rest of the room,"
"Okay," Tennessee complied, taking a few steps over to the closet.
Minnie searched Ruby's desk and under her bed, along with anywhere else she could think of. The rooms weren't very large, and Ruby didn't seem to keep much in the way of personal possessions, so thankfully it didn't look like this would take too long. Minnie found a few medical related books stashed away in Ruby's desk, for she had no bookshelf to store them in instead. Minnie also came across a notebook Ruby used to jot down formulas and recipes, and all of the supplies listed could be found at the greenhouse.
"Thank God Ruby liked to keep records," Minnie said, looking relieved that this trip had been worthwhile. "Have you found anything, Tenn?"
"Few books, some first aid kits, a few other spare supplies, so far anyway," Tennessee replied, still searching through the closet.
Minnie turned back to the desk. There was only one more drawer to search. She pulled on the handle to reveal yet another book, but this was nothing to with medicine. Minnie took a closer look, but the book had no title. She opened it, skimming through the pages, letting out a short gasp when she realized what she was holding. Apparently Ruby kept a diary.
"Oh God," Minnie frowned, feeling that even though Ruby was gone, she was invading her friend's personal territory.
"What is it?" Tennessee asked, looking to his upset sister.
"Ruby's diary," Minnie replied, her arms shaking as she held it. "I never even would have guessed she kept one."
"What should we do?" Tennessee asked, looking to Minnie, for there could be useful information in there as well.
Minnie shook her heard almost immediately. She kept a diary herself in the past, and she knew how personal the information kept in it would be. Minnie couldn't do that to Ruby, even if she was gone. She felt like she was committing a betrayal of trust that went even beyond life or death. The book Minnie was holding was filled with Ruby's deepest and most personal thoughts. No one was ever meant to look upon the pages of this book, other than Ruby.
"No, we can't," Minnie said, placing the book back in the drawer and closing it. "Even though she's gone, we just can't. It's wrong, Reading her diary is like disgracing her memory. We can't do it," Minnie said firmly, turning away from the desk.
"You just wanna leave it here?" Tennessee asked.
"Well, we can't bury it with her, it's too late for that. I don't know what we should do with it, honestly, other than leave it alone. I definitely wouldn't want anyone reading my diary, even if I was dead," Minnie said, still in a fair bit of shock. "God, I can't believe it. This is like if Violet kept a diary, or close." She turned back to Tennessee now, "Are you done searching the closet?"
"Yeah, just about. Nothing else looks useful."
Minnie picked up the books she had found, "Come on, let's get out of here. I don't wanna be here anymore," Minnie admitted, heading towards the door.
Tennessee nodded, gathering up the books he had found along with the spare supplies. He followed Minnie out of the room, who look disturbed and uncomfortable, like she couldn't escape from the place soon enough.
"Are we gonna drop this stuff over in your room?" Tennessee asked.
"Yeah, sure," Minnie said simply, apparently not in the mood to talk at the moment.
Tennessee seemed to appreciate that Minnie didn't want to talk, for he understood the weight of the situation very well himself. The two walked to Minnie's room in silence, as she seemed pretty caught up in her now even more troubled thoughts. Minnie was so preoccupied, she almost walked past the door to her own room.
"Just put everything on the other bed, I guess," Minnie said as she opened the door, promptly plopping herself on her own bed, laying her collected items next to her. She lied down on her back, already feeling drained, and the day had just started. "God, that was rough."
Tennessee looked helplessly upon his sister in her sad state. He really was sick of seeing people this way, over and over, and not being able to help. Minnie needed a way to cope, to get out the sadness and frustration dwelling within her. Then Tennessee blinked. He had an idea.
"Wait here a minute," Tenn said, actually running out the door.
"Uh, okay," Minnie replied, not knowing how else to respond as her brother fled the room. "I wonder what he's up to," Minnie said to herself.
It was several moments before Tenn returned, entering the room with a book in his hand he had received from storage, the same place Minnie's paintings had been placed. Just like the paintings, the item had slipped both his mind and Minnie's up until now. In his other hand he held a pen, as that was one thing they had no shortage of in the school. They had enough pens and pencils to last them forever, or close to it. Tennessee handed the book to his sister, smiling, but also silent.
"What's this?" Minnie asked, not recognizing the book at first.
"Your old diary," Tennessee said, still holding it out to her. "I never read it, I swear. I thought about a few times though, but that was before I knew you were still alive."
Minnie's eyes widened, taking the book out of his grasp, along with the pen. She was never able to keep a diary at the raider camp, and considering she had spent more than a year there, she had fallen out of the habit. Somehow, she hadn't even have thought of asking for her diary back, or even thinking of it at all. Despite her ordeal today, Minnie couldn't help but give Tenn exactly what he was looking for. A real, genuine smile.
"You're the best brother ever, Tenn."