Edward the Sugar Queen

Epilogue

Striding down the corridor of the Cullen Institution, Jacob heard someone screaming. He hesitantly opened the door to Bella's room, her padded cell where she was rolling around in a straitjacket, tearing at a stuffed dog with her teeth. She looked up and it dropped from her mouth.

"Oh, hello Jacob," she said pleasantly. "I was just drinking blood."

Jacob pulled up a bit of padded floor. "Why's that Bells?"

"Because I am a vampire goddess but I do not drink human blood. Edward taught me that, before we got married and lived happily ever after."

"Bella, Edward's married to your dad."

"Lies!" Bella screamed, clutching her head, before she smiled vacantly again. "I was so happy I got to tell Dad I'm a vampire; it would have been a hassle to slaughter him and hide the body."

"Bella," Jacob said, firmly, "your dad is in the county prison because the RSPCA found him in a latex suit flogging a monkey."

"Oh no," she said sweetly, "my father is a straight-talking police chief. He'd never do anything like that. You must mean someone else." She stared blankly, and said suddenly, "You know Jacob, I think I would have gone out with you, if I hadn't met Edward. You were my destiny, but Edward was not meant to exist. He's a power greater than destiny…"

"He's a monkey smoking a cigar."

"He's a vampire! But I know Jacob," she sighed dramatically. "I'm sorry. But please don't ask me again- I'll always love Edward more."

"It's alright. Me and IceMaster2000 got engaged."

"Shut up! You're my backup plan. You're not allowed to get involved with other… electricals."

"Alright Bella, whatever you say." He petted her hair, and she purred appreciatively. "I've brought you something to read. It's Stevie Wonder's new autobiography; I was kidnapped and bound for several weeks but I still don't know who by. Sounds like a great read, eh?

"Sounds great," she said, throwing it over her shoulder. "But Jacob, you have to see my autobiography. Dr Cullen says he thinks writing it might help me."

She threw down a huge book stapled together clumsily, all written with wobbly red crayon. "I'm going to write sequels, too," she said happily, bursting with pride.

Jacob leant down to examine it. "But why did you call yourself that?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm incognito, silly! If I told the whole world, they'd come and get me with pitchforks! You think I have time with all my great sex with Edward to kill all those people?"

Jacob chuckled. "Well it looks great Bella. Well done!"

He smiled at her, and she chortled and rolled over so he could tickle her belly, giggling delightedly.

Bella's had entitled her book Twilight.

The End

Hope you all enjoyed Edward the Sugar Queen! There may be a sequel at some point, but if you're still up for some sugary fun we've got our movie online. Episode three will be up soon- there's been some delay owing to the fact Edward keeps taking his clothes off during filming and there's no way his ass is going online! On the plus side he will be playing Nurse Esme. I'm much looking forward to his Dirty Doctor routine.

Please check out our other collaborations if you have time; we have much badassary in 'Badass Farmers', and coming soon; 'Final Fantasy XXX RED HOT!'

Ta for reading. Now get out that lemon sherbet and snort it, dammit!

Love, Crusty Bum and Hairy Buttocks.