"Pardon?" These words were not the ones I wanted to hear from her. The words "pardon" could mean, that she genuinely missed the words I said, Didn't not understand it or is giving me a chance to rectify and correct it before it goes into a full blown argument.
The words pardon could also mean no. A rejection but placed in nicer words. The word No is an weapon of integrity and a shield against exploitation. It often takes courage to say. It is hard to receive. But setting limits sets us free. The No that is an affirmation of self implicitly acknowledges personal responsibility. It says that while each of us interacts with others, and loves, respects, and values those relationships, we do not and cannot allow ourselves always to be influenced by them. The strength we draw from saying No is that it underscores this hard truth of maturity.
No has two faces: the one we turn toward ourselves and the one that creates boundaries between ourselves and others. The struggle to strengthen our internal No, the one we address to our own self-destructive impulses, is the struggle with which we are most familiar. That No controls our vent of rage on the road and our urge to kill or rape. We call that No "self-discipline."
However, how should I proceed? Should I restate my statement? Thinking that she misheard or misunderstood my words. Which could lead into something worse and potential worth breaking up for due to my words seriousness in the grand scheme of things or should I rectify and change what I said hoping that she would take it as me backing off and dismissing my original plans or statement. But only one of them is being genuine. Being genuine is also a rare quality. In a world full of phony fads, media hype, virtual personas, positive thinkers, and personal brands where everyone wants what they don't have, nobody's content to be who they are, and, more importantly, nobody's willing to admit to any of that it's becoming more and more rare all the time. So, I have made my choice. I will say it again.
"Yukino, since we would be living together for the next 4 years with university. Do you want to move in with me for like a trial period?"
Okay maybe I may have changed my words slightly…quite dramatically to be honest.
"Hmm." She placed her hand on her chin and pondered for a second. The signs show that this isn't going to go well for me.
"AH, never mind! It was a stupid idea anyways! Forget what I said!" I quickly splatted out to diffuse the bomb I have created.
"Its not that I don't want to, It's that I don't see a point." Yukino said after finally finished thinking and completely dismissing my attempt to diffuse the situation.
"Why?" I asked her as I do not understand her reason.
"When we are living in university, we live alone together, However if I move in with you, Your parents and Komachi san would be there too, thus it is not an accurate representation or an effective method if we wanted to trial it correctly." Yukino explained it to me in detail.
"I see…" I guess I was being dumb after all.
"However, as I live alone. My apartment would be a good representation and area for the trial. Sooo…how about you…move in with me…instead…?" She recommends in a slightly quiet tone.
"Wait, what?"
"Never mind. If you don't want to.." She quickly tried to withdraw her offer.
"No, No. I will. My parents will be glad that I am out of their house anyways. So I will."
"I see…" Yukino said with a faint blush.
I then took a deep breath. As usual. My fears with her did not turn out to be true. But…..Cynicism is part of a defensive posture we take to protect ourselves. It's typically triggered when we feel hurt by or angry at something, and instead of dealing with those emotions directly, we allow them to fester and skew our outlook. When we grow cynical toward one thing in our lives, we may slowly start to turn on everything. When we get cynical, we are often indulging in self-righteous attitudes and forming expectations that people should behave a certain way. Our cynical attitudes mirror those of influential figures from our past. Therefore, my actions are justified. Damn you youth!
"Did you expect the worse to happen again?" Yukino asked in a frustrated tone.
How can she read me like a book? Is she psychic?
"I thought you were going to break up with me for making that suggestion." I replied with another deep breath.
Yukino placed both her hands on her temple and rubbed it, as if she is trying to cast away a headache. That headache being my pessimism and cynical outlook.
"Your worries make no sense." She began with a deep breath, then a sigh.
"I am going to be sharing a dorm room, then apartment with you in the 4 years of university. I don't see why I would break up with you, if we were to begin this arrangement now. Perhaps, you rejected girl for me today, which is almost like winning a lottery in itself. Treat it as I'm using you as my household lucky charm."
Wow. That is so condescending.
"Okay sure…Maybe we should run the details, tonight after we go shopping and I'll talk to my parents tonight."
"Sure."
"Lunch is almost over. We should head back."
I returned the my homeroom after dropping Yukino off and went toward my desk to check my time table. Final lesson today is History. Great… That means that class presentations thing.
"Yo, Miura." I said loudly across the room. Trying to peak her attention, as she was talking to Hayama in the corner of the room. They have been a lot closer recently. Engaging in private conversations more so than just being a part of the clique. It could be inferred based on posture and eye contact alone that they have mutual attraction. Miura face is slightly redder than usual and her pupils are dilated while Hayama's chin is slightly moving. Not to mention the open posture they are both sharing. I guess things are starting to go well for those too. About damn time.
"Yes Hiko?! Sorry I was talking to Hayato." She said while she approached my desk
"It's fine. Sorry to disturb you two, but did you do your half for the history presentation?" I asked nochallantly. However, I knew the answer already.
"Uh. Is that next lesson?" She answered slightly stunned, as she is scared of Watanabe sensei. Due to his way of offending people if they fail to answer or do badly. Its quote funny for Miura to look this worried.
"Yes." I replied.
"Why didn't you tell me earlier Hiko! I didn't do it! We are both scr.." I cut her off by shoving a few pieces of paper into her face.
"I already did your half. Just paraphrase or read it straight off." I said as I picked up my bag as History was one of the few lessons that weren't held in homeroom.
"Eh, Thanks Hikio!"
"You should really get your boyfriend to help you. Otherwise what good is he. He is top 3 too you know." I said with an annoyed tone.
Of course I am annoyed. I doubled my workload!
Miura gave a face to Hayama. I couldn't tell what she did as her back was facing me. Nevertheless, Hayama gave a forced smile so I don't think it was anything good to behold. The notion that Miura didn't have to appeal or act to be better in front of Hayama and can be natural is evidence that even their relationship is heading toward something somewhat genuine.
I stood up and walked first toward the next class. As expected, the presentation went without a hiccup. After all I went to meet Komachi to tell her to go home first on my bike with my bags and told her to tell my mother about my moving out trial. I then proceeded to meet Yukino in the front gates.
"Yo."
"Good afternoon Hachiman." She said with a small smile.
"Let's go."
We walked toward the town to a multi-storey mall. The mall was slightly symbolic as a bit over a year. We bumped into each other here and she told me to not force myself to go to the club anymore. All of this led to me wanting something genuine, mutual understanding and the desire for feelings and emotions and purge myself of just logic. Rumination is the compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions. Rumination is similar to worry except rumination focuses on bad feelings and experiences from the past, whereas worry is concerned with potential bad events in the rumination and worry are associated with anxiety and other negative emotional states. Rumination has been widely studied as a cognitive vulnerability factor to depression; however its measures have not been unified. However, my knowledge was proved wrong. My past was nothing good to be honest. But the past year alone pretty much made it all worth it.
"What do you want to buy?"
"Just some house supplies."
"What kind of supplies." I asked out of sheer boredom.
"If you are that bored then go somewhere else."
Shit.
"I'll be more bored if I stay outside alone."
She seemed shocked and slightly disgusted by the words I just said.
"I thought you enjoyed being alone, loner kun."
"Not when I have a choice to be with you." I replied snarkily.
"Flattery won't get you anything." She said with her typical irritated tone.
"I never asked for anything." I teased.
After the boring session of shopping we returned to my household as the shopping was quite heavy and she needed my bike to carry it home. Upon opening the door I see a sealed box in the living room and we walked toward it.
"Onii chan! Yukino san!" Komachi said with excitement. As she ran to the living room
"Yo. Komachi."
"Good evening Komachi san."
"Komachi, what is that box?"
"Oh, it's all the things you would need to bring to move into Yukino sans place, I came packed it once you told me about it!"
"Do you really want Onii chan gone that much..."
"Well I kinda wanted two rooms!" She said with her tongue stuck out. If only my sister wasn't acting so cute I would be extremely angry.
"Where's mom?" I asked.
"Oh, she's washing the dishes, did you guys eat?" Komachi asks in curiosity, how can my sister be such an airhead. Its 7:25, of course we ate. Deductive reasoning….Komachi…
"Yes, we have already eaten."
"Can I talk to mom about this thing?" I asked Komachi.
"Sure…" She then ran in to the kitchen and got my mom out.
"Ah Hachiman, Yukino san. Please sit down. Komachi has relayed the details to me."
We sat down to the opposite couch to my mother, while she clears the condensation build up on her specs.
"So, you two want to have a trial period of living together before applying to dorms and eventually sharing an apartment for university. Is that correct? Can I ask why?" My mom asks us.
"Well, if we don't try it out and go straight to dorms, we might not be compatible in terms of living style and stuff like that. So better not dive too deep before we can't get out of it." I answered my mother
Yukino nods as she approves of my answer. While my mom also nods in agreement as if we signed a tenancy agreement or signed for a dorm. We would be bound to stay there even if things do not go too well. So it would be best to have a trial or a test before making a irreversible mistake or error.
"What about your parent Yukino san? Have they permitted? It is a boy and a girl sharing an apartment after all." My mom asks in concern.
"I have talked to my father and sister previously during a family meet up and they also feel this is a good way to make sure things are compatible as in university things may not be as flexible since we are in Tokyo. As here as we still have our own homes to go back to in case things don't work out too well." Yukino explained.
Wait how long has she thought about this!? Did she talk to her father or something about this before already!? Help she's so scary!
"Well, then. I don't see any problems. However, please try to be safe and think before doing anything stupid, Hachiman." My mom says in a extremely serious tone. And why are you only addressing me. She equally capable of doing something stupid too. Why is all the blame going to me!
"Well, then…thanks mom….Goodnight. I'll call you or something later.
"Goodnight Mrs. Hikigaya. I will be sure to take care of your son."
"Goodnight and have fun you two. Remember, if things don't work out its fine to go home." My mom said in a reassuring tone.
I then picked up that box and walked toward my bike. It just fit on the front storage basket. Komachi charges out the house to wear I was.
"Goodbye Onii chan! If you need anything I will get a carrier to mail it to you! "
"Wait Koma..."
Before I could finish Komachi then slammed the door shut and I could hear her run up the stairs.
Meanwhile Yukino just stood behind me giggling. At least she has the decency to do it while turned around.
"I guess we are done here" I let out a small laugh. I went sat down on my bike looking at this house which I have called my only home for years.
As we reached the door. Yukino walked in front of me and stopped me. She placed her held my hand then looked directly at my dead fish eyes and face.
"Welcome home Hachiman" She said with a warm smile.
"I'm home. Yukino" I said in an annoyed tone. I opened the door here myself for the first time. With her key, which she handed me.
As I entered my new home with Yukino I unpacked the box Komachi and mom packed. It was all I needed...All my clothes, Some school books and toiletries and my phone charges, computer and a box of condoms. Damn mom. Where did she even get this…
"Look what Komachi and mom placed in here.." I said to Yukino as I showed her the huge box of condoms.
"That is going in the trash, don't even think about it. As your girlfriend I am at huge risk here. I will keep the police in speed dial. I am extremely worried and afraid for my chastity." She said in an angered and disgusted tone.
Geez, as if I would actually dare to do anything to you. You could probably kick my ass and cut me to shred with the kitchen knife. Not to mention the notion of going to jail for 15 minutes tops of happiness and enjoyment. It is not worth it.
I took everything out of the box and placed it onto the floor. By then Yukino has changed to casual home clothes including the pink scrunchie I gave her for Christmas to tie her hair and unloaded all the shopping she did in the mall.
"Hachi, please let me show you your drawers." I entered the bedroom with her.
"You can have this shelf and this drawer and here is the spare key, if you lose it. You might as well be dead to me and I will not open the door for you. Also feel free to place your toiletries in the bathroom. " She pointed and then placed the key into my hand.
Wow, 1 whole drawer and 1 whole shelf...Probably she doesn't want me to bring to much stuff to messy up the place. Perhaps If I bring all my manga and books and it ends up not working out, its going to be a huge ordeal to bring all that back home.
"Wow. Thanks for all the gracious space." I said with a sarcastic voice.
"Well...You do take up half the bed every night so vent at me all you want. Perhaps limiting your usage space refrains you from bringing all the random junk I saw from your room previously. "
"Fair point."
"We will also need to sort out a schedule, so we won't bump into each other in awkward moments. As school starts at 8:30. I will take have the toilet from 6:30- 7:00am. While you get it from 7:00 to 7:30am. I will make breakfast and lunch for us unless you request otherwise and we must be out of this apartment by 8 latest. At night I usually shower upon return to the apartment and prior to dinner. So I will have the time slot of 6:00 – 6:30pm. So please tell me your desired timeslot." Yukino suggested or commanded.
I feel like I'm going to boarding school…
" Uh. I'll shower after dinner. Maybe 7:30 to 8:00pm then."
"Fine. Please be aware that if you use the bathroom during my allocated slots, you will be met with extreme prejudice."
"Fine, fine. So do I get to shower now? Its 7:45 right now."
"No. I have a priority, as this is my apartment and you are a freeloader and don't you dare peek, if you still want to keep those dead fish eyes of yours. " Yukino explains then walks toward the bathroom.
Then what the hell was the point of having a schedule! I have a feeling this living arrangement, trial run it may be is going to be hell. It may become an actual trial….