Chapter 21 - Misguided

Sacramento.

Around twelve months earlier.

Dr. Irene Hamilton had large brown eyes and unruly silver hair tamed by a large decorative silver clasp at the back of her head. She was in her mid sixties, her dark African American skin unblemished by lines. She wore bright pink glossy lipstick and a mismatched red sweater and flowing purple skirt combo. Lisbon thought she looked like a rainbow had thrown up on her at first glance as she made her way into the psychiatrist's office. Her white teeth gleamed as she smiled at Lisbon as she entered and looked over the pink rimmed spectacles she wore.

"Agent Lisbon, a pleasure to meet you," she said, outstretching her hand as she got off the chair with a grunt, her weighty frame meeting Lisbon's slim one as they shook hands.

"Dr. Hamilton," the agent said with apprehension.

The other woman gave her a quick inspection. Warmly, "Irene, please. I think since we're going to be talking about stuff you obviously don't want to discuss then first names it should be. Work for you, Teresa?"

Lisbon, taken aback at the woman's forthrightness momentarily, nodded and stuttered. "Uh...yeah. Sure."

Cheerily, "Great, take a seat on the couch. It's what people expect when they come to a shrink's office. I was opposed to it when I started here a few months back but makes a nice place to have a nap between appointments."

Lisbon smiled. "You're not related to Patrick Jane, by any chance, are you?"

The other woman chuckled. "No. But I have had people in here who've certainly mentioned him. I'll have to get around to meeting him myself one of these days. Quite the troublemaker, am I right?"

"You could say that."

Dr. Hamilton bustled over and sat in a chair opposite the couch. "So, shall we get started?"

Lisbon's expression changed immediately. Actually enjoying the other woman's easygoing nature, she'd almost forgotten why she was there. "Yeah," she said quietly. "You have...you have questions for me or should I just tell you what happened to me first?"

Irene closed the file that she'd just opened on her lap. "I've heard and read what happened to you," she said sympathetically. "I'm surprised you're holding together as well as you are if I'm being honest."

Lisbon shrugged. "I'm okay, really. Just need to get back to work. Properly, I mean. I didn't die, and people go through much worse."

"Hmm. I suppose you've seen that. All through your life, eh?"

Lisbon fought back the desire to roll her eyes. Before she replied Irene smiled softly at her. "You hate talking about your childhood, huh?"

"Does anyone who comes here enjoy that?"

"Mostly, no. But it's necessary sometimes."

Lisbon breathed out and sunk back into the cushions. "So, this is going to take a while, is it?" she said with some petulance.

"It'll take however long you want it to take, Teresa."

Lisbon's eyes twinkled tiredly. "So, we're done, then?"

Irene smiled but responded, "Sure. If that's what you want."

Lisbon blinked. "Seriously? You'll just...you'll just sign me off that I can go back to field work if I ask?"

"If you believe you're ready then why wouldn't I?"

"But...but isn't it your job to make sure I'm ready?"

"It is. But I can only do that if you put in the work. And you don't want to put in the work. You want to soldier on, like you always do."

Lisbon licked her lips. "Is this some kind of reverse psychology angle you're playing?"

The other woman leaned forward. She sighed loudly, her voice soft and tender. "You think you being in the field right now is what's best for you? For your team? You're an intelligent woman, Teresa. That's obvious from both your demeanour and your file. So, is it?"

Lisbon trapped her lower lip between her teeth. Then she looked at the psychiatrist straight in the eye. "Yes."

The other woman raised an eyebrow and shook her head. "So, you're one of those stubborn ones, are you?"

The brunette shrugged and rested against the cushions of the couch, crossed her arms across her chest.

"Very well," Irene nodded with a disappointed smile. She got up and went to her desk, scribbled on a form that sat there. She picked up the piece of paper and handed it to Lisbon. "I guess we're done, then. Nice meeting you, Teresa."

Lisbon stared at the signature on the form. "You're agreeing to let me back in the field?" she clarified, astonished.

The psychiatrist sat down at her desk and put her glasses back on again as she opened another file. She didn't look at Lisbon as she spoke with disinterest. "No point me talking to myself until you're ready to talk back, Agent. You will, though, hopefully soon, I have faith in that. Good day."

Lisbon clutched the piece of paper as she walked out of the office, almost in a dreamlike state. "What the hell just happened?" she said to herself. She quickly waved away any thoughts of uneasiness she felt and removed her cell from her jacket, making a quick call. "Cho, I've been cleared for active duty, I'm on my way to you."

"She's what?" Jane snapped at Cho five minutes later.

"Coming here. Now."

They were standing outside a white one storey house deep in gang territory. Youths loitered opposite, keenly watching the comings and goings inside the property as forensics worked on removing evidence. A man's body, Ricky Moss, aged nineteen, had already been removed by the coroner for further inspection. Going by the number of bruises all over his head and body and the blood loss he'd suffered, the initial cause of death was called as blunt force trauma, probably caused by a bat of some type.

"Damn shrinks," Jane muttered. "Couldn't you have put her off?"

"She'd hung up before I got the chance."

Jane puffed out a long breath. As well as the bruising on the body, Moss was also a career drug user, scarring on his arms evidence of the tragic short life he'd led. Jane had been affected himself at seeing the telltale track lines so soon after seeing Lisbon's and had noticed the discomfort of Rigsby and Van Pelt too. Never had a search for evidence been so quiet. It was too close to home and too soon for all of them. He was more sure than ever of Bertram's motives in allowing Lisbon back to work by sending them to this particular crime scene. He also made a mental note to talk to whatever quack psychiatrist had allowed her back in the field so soon.

She arrived ten minutes later, her head down and dark hair billowing in the breeze as she walked purposefully towards the house wearing a bulletproof vest. She spied Cho outside and nodded to him. "Where are we?"

"You been apprised of the situation?"

An efficient nod, masking the quickening of her pulse. "Yeah. Any suspects?"

"Plenty in this neighbourhood," he shrugged.

"Gang connection, then?"

"No doubt, tattoos confirm. But Jane thinks this is more personal."

"Of course he does," she replied with a soft snort. "Where is he?"

"Inside."

"Hey," he said without inflection with his back to her as she met up with him in the victim's bedroom. "Heard you were coming back."

"Yeah. I know you're not happy about it but-"

"How'd you swing it?" he asked, turning round to face her.

"You mean because I'm still crazy, you mean?" she retaliated.

"I never said you were crazy, Lisbon. But coming here just might be."

She caught sight of a hypodermic syringe lying on the dresser, a discoloured spoon beside it and she instinctively flinched, blanching, breaking eye contact with Jane. His eyes followed her gaze until they looked at each other a long second later. He said nothing but raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"It was just...just a surprise seeing that, that's all," she defended, realising she'd spaced out for a few moments.

"Of course. Naturally, a surprise to find drug paraphernalia in a drug addict's house."

She swallowed thickly and licked her lips as she blushed. She cleared her throat. "Cho said you thought this murder was personal. How so?"

He pointed across the street from the large bedroom window. "See the man dressed in black with the blue baseball cap?"

She came to stand beside him. "The one with the long gold chain? Yeah, what about him?"

Just as he was about to respond the thunder of gunfire rang outside. Jane dived for cover beside the bed immediately, only realising a split second later that Lisbon was still standing in the middle of the room, stuck to the spot.

"Lisbon!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

The sound of her name spurred her into action and she fell to her knees, the whizz of a bullet shattering the glass beside them and obliterating a mirror. He held his hand out and she crawled to safety beside him as he cowered behind the bed frame. Crouching together, her breathing was laboured as she withdrew her weapon from its holster. Her fingers quivered as she took hold of its handle with a wobbly grip. "Don't," Jane whispered, trying to catch her eyes. "Don't go out there. Lisbon, stay here, okay?"

She looked up at him, eyes wide and afraid, her upper body trembling. He shook his head. "Let the others take care of it," he said gently. "Stay here with me, okay? Just stay here," he told her softly.

She shook her head, her fingers shaking as she held her gun, tears pricking at her eyes. "They're my people, Jane," she said, sniffing, growing agitated as her hands wouldn't cooperate with her determined words.

"Damn it!" she snapped, taking a deep breath as the gun slid from her grasp. As she picked it back up Jane put his hands over hers, shaking his head again. She went to nudge him off but tears came instead, blurring her vision as the gun lay limply in her hand. "Listen," he whispered urgently, holding onto her tighter, nodding outside. "It's over now, anyway."

Just as he spoke, Cho burst into the bedroom, gun raised. Urgently, "You two okay?"

"We're fine," Jane said breathlessly, getting to his feet. Lisbon, blinking quickly into the distance, didn't meet either of the men's eyes.

"What happened?" Jane asked Cho as she stood up unsteadily to stand beside him.

"Gunfire from sniper on roof across the street."

"You get him?"

"Yeah. Local PD took him down. We don't think it's related to this case, more incidental because we're cops."

Jane nodded. "Yeah, I'd go along with that. One way to move up the ranks in a gang is to kill a cop, never mind a house full of them. Just as well you're all wearing vests in this neighbourhood."

"You're not," Cho remarked grimly.

Jane flashed a smile, ran his fingers over the cotton of his vest. "Course I am." He let go of a breath at Cho's stony return expression. Quietly, "Yeah, maybe I should have like you advised."

Cho nodded, looked at both of them again. "Rigsby and Van Pelt are helping local PD round up everyone that didn't scatter when the shooting began. I said we'd take them back to the CBI for questioning. Might get a lead on our killer. Okay with you, boss?" Cho asked, turning to Lisbon.

She was standing beside Jane and hadn't spoken since the agent had entered the bedroom, her eyes set staring into space.

"Boss?" Cho asked again, louder.

"Uh...yeah...yeah, Cho, bring them in," she said quietly.

As Jane and Cho traded concealed but concerned looks, Rigsby entered the room. "Boss, Jane, good, you're okay."

"You got everyone?" Cho asked.

"As far as we can tell."

"Did you pick up someone dressed in black, blue baseball cap, large gold chain?" Jane asked.

Rigsby furrowed his brow. "Uh, yeah, think so. Why?"

"Start with him. Have a hunch he's the killer."

"What makes you think that?"

Jane looked at Lisbon out of the corner of his eye, saw her chew on her bottom lip. She was only sporadically listening to the conversation going on around her.

"I'll explain when we get back to the office," he said to Rigsby, shot Cho a pointed look as he glanced sidelong at Lisbon again.

"Yeah, let's move," Cho said with authority. "Let the local cops clean up."

Sacramento.

Present Day.

Dinner was spent making small talk, Lisbon and Anne discussing music avidly for much of it. Jane observed more than participated, watching as Lisbon took to her role as gracious hostess easily. He'd never saw her in her undercover days but her acting was convincing enough to put Anne at ease even if he could see through it. She seemed to have a genuine like for the other woman, a fact that wouldn't have irked him had it not been for her motivation in convening this impromptu dinner party. When Anne mentioned a Recital she wanted to go to and Lisbon eagerly suggested that Jane should accompany her he almost rolled his eyes at her lack of subtlety.

"Well, you know how the job is," he'd reminded Lisbon with a fake smile. "Wouldn't want to commit to something I might have to cancel last minute."

"I'll clean these up," Jane said a painful hour later, his irritation with her increasingly hard to hide.

"I should go, anyway," Anne said, blessedly unaware of the simmering tension brewing.

"I'll do that, Jane. You see Anne out. It was lovely meeting you, Anne," Lisbon offered.

A genuine smile crept across Jane's lips as Anne embraced Lisbon warmly. "Lovely to meet you too, Teresa. Hope we can see each other again before you leave."

"Hopefully," Lisbon stated, backing away awkwardly.

As Anne was at the door she looked up at Jane with a trace of a seductive yet shy smile, the wine at dinner making her more daring than she might have been otherwise. She kissed his cheek softly. "Thanks for a lovely evening, too, Patrick. Maybe...well, maybe we can do it again?" She whispered in his ear, "Maybe just the two of us?"

He nodded glibly, caught offguard and more discomfited than ever as Lisbon dropped a pan behind them. "Um...yeah...yeah, maybe. We'll see, eh?"

Her cheeks blazed at the blatant brush off. "Of course," she murmured.

"Ah, your book," he smiled, putting distance between them to fetch it. As he handed it to her he said with a tilt of his head and a smile as he looked down the corridor. "Make sure you get home safe, now."

She laughed on cue though still ill at ease. "Haha, yeah, will do. Thanks again, goodnight."

He closed the door behind her then closed his eyes with a slow shake of his head.

A second later he swung around and gaped at Lisbon. "What the hell was that?" he exclaimed, finally able to say what he'd wanted to all night.

Lisbon pretended not to notice his sharp tone as she picked up a plate and put it in the dishwasher. "What do you mean? She's nice and she was hungry and we had plenty of food," she said evenly.

He marched over to her and slammed the dishwasher door shut. Lisbon stood with a plate in her hands and he took it from her, threw it into the sink. "What the hell, Jane?!"

"You can drop your act now, Lisbon, the audience has left."

She crossed her arms across her chest. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

He snorted. "No?! You need me to fill you in? Okay, then, if you insist. You engineered that little dinner to set me up with that woman."

"I-"

"Don't try and deny it. God, it was so obvious I felt like I was at a meat market auction."

She blushed and shrugged her shoulders. "She was interested in you-"

"You think I didn't know that already?" he asked incredulously. "Sorry, have we met? And, I've lived beside her for months. Do I really have to remind you what I do for a living or who I am? Never mind how embarrassing that was for her, the poor woman."

She blinked uneasily under his stare. "I just thought that...well, she's nice, Jane. And you and she have a lot in common. I was just trying to..."

"What?" he asked, taking a step back. "Make sure I knew where things stood with you? Push me onto someone, hope they spark my interest? Just to be on the safe side to make sure we're not tempted to cross any boundaries you've set? Go to any extreme to make sure we don't spend too much time together alone? Is the thought of that so frightening to you?"

"I wasn't...this had nothing to do with us or our history. You said you wanted to move on from Red John and dating...well, it's part of that, Jane. And I met her and she was nice and sweet and she likes you so...so, yeah, I tried to set you up. I didn't mean it to come across as obvious. I was just trying to help you do what you said you wanted to do when I first came back here."

"I never said I wanted you to find a woman for me, Lisbon. If I wanted one I'm perfectly capable of finding one for myself. Tell me, is your life so dreary you've resorted to matchmaking to pass the time in addition to cooking nowadays?"

"You're being unfair. I was trying to do a nice thing for you. Make up for how I behaved earlier."

"Even if I believed that to be true - which I don't - next time, a simple and sincere apology is all I require," he grumbled, "not a set up."

"Fine," she barked. She moved past him to resume collecting dishes from the dining table.

"Fine." He opened the door of the dishwasher again.

Silently they stacked it.

"Why aren't you interested in her?" she asked quietly a tense minute later after they finished and switched it on.

"Christ," he muttered under his breath, shooting her a glare as he put the kettle on.

Firmly, "Don't get mad, just tell me. Tell me what's wrong with her."

"Why? So, you can try again with someone you meet at the store, maybe? Scour single bars and bring me their finest selection? Audition me for The Bachelor?"

"Jeez, Jane. I got the message loud and clear. No more set ups. I got it." She softened her tone. "I just think you should be getting on with your life now that Red John isn't in it anymore."

He looked at her pointedly. Softly, "I'm not disagreeing with you on that."

Colour ran to her cheeks. A beat passed in silence. Then, evenly, "We were talking about Anne."

He shook his head and ran his tongue over his upper lip as he sighed. "You want to play this game? All right, then." He sucked in a breath then released it slowly, his hands gripped to the counter top and his face looking up to the Heavens. He turned slowly, relaxed his posture.

"Nothing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her. She's..."

He shook his head in silent contemplation before he continued. Softly, "She's absolutely perfect for me."

Lisbon's face fell a little despite her best efforts otherwise. "So...so what's the problem?" she said, a tremor in her voice she couldn't control. "Why don't you want to ask her out, then?" she whispered. "In fact, why haven't you if you know that already?"

He smiled gently and looked to his feet. A long second later he locked eyes with her again. "I hadn't finished. On paper. On paper, she's perfect for me. She's beautiful, kind, compassionate, intelligent, funny - especially when she doesn't realise she is. Awkward in a sweet way. We share a lot of interests." His eyes never left hers. "Perfect, right?"

Lisbon swallowed thickly then raised her chin defiantly for him to continue.

Conversationally, "I've thought about it, asking her out. Contemplated it when I've been sitting here alone night after night. Hearing doors open and close all around me on a Saturday night, parties, noise from the street, people having real lives as I've sat on my balcony at midnight.

"And she's just down the hall. Wouldn't take much effort to start things between us. Bottle of wine. Dinner. She's very pleasant company - warm, inviting. I've thought about it. Losing myself in her. Just letting go of everything else and losing myself in her. A fresh start. A new chapter. I could make it work. For her, anyway. Me? Well, I'd still be me but I could lock all the doors in my memory palace and start again if I really wanted to. Make it appear like I was normal, well adjusted. Would be like putting on a new suit, another facade. I could go through the motions day in, day out. It would be comfortable and easy and I doubt there'd ever be a cross word said between us. We'd talk about art, literature, visit museums. We'd travel and see the world together when she played abroad. I've thought about all of that, Teresa."

Lisbon's mouth was hanging open by the time he'd finished.

He took a step forward and she backed towards the counter reflexively as she saw something in his expression change, a new depth to the darkness in his eyes, something she feared.

He spoke softly as he looked into her soul. "Now, do you really want me to spell out why I haven't acted on any of it? Why I'm not interested in her or any other woman you might dream up romantically for me in any way? Do I really need to go on?"

She shook her head. She began to panic. "Jane..."

He stood opposite her. His voice was thick with restraint. "You want more of the honesty you've always said you wanted from me? Are you ready to hear it?"

As her breathing quickened and alarm evident in her demeanour he took a step back. "No, you're not. Not yet, anyway. So, quit playing these games with me, Lisbon. Please."

She breathed out, her heart hammering at how he had just looked at her, desperate and hot and intense. Her insides fluttered as heat pooled in her, her body reacting slickly and intuitively to him.

He read her easily and smiled wolfishly for a moment, knowing he was understood and had affected her.

He took another step back, relaxed his face into calm. "Tea?" he asked her politely.

"Uh...okay," she found herself saying absently as her eyes lay focused on his lips and a renewed hunger in her belly.