(A/N: This chapter is dedicated to all those who gave me such lovely and supportive messages following my week's break from writing. It feels right to dedicate this to you, because without your kind reviews, I would not have had the motivation to write this at all. Thank you xxx)
Christmas came sooner than expected. I stayed at home every day after the dance, seeing as we had a longer Christmas this year than usual. The added bonus was, Caleb didn't finish school until a week later, on the 22nd. I thought that was a bit late, but Erudite stay until the 22nd, Abnegation until the 21st, and all the other factions on the 15th, like mine. Technically, Dauntless finished a bit earlier, because all we did on the last week was joke around and do quizzes instead of class, so really, I've had a very long Christmas holiday.
My mind is still focused on was Four was going to say at the dance. Every time I piece it together in my mind, I always come up with the same answer. It was nothing! He wasn't going to say anything!
I know that isn't true though, because he said he didn't care if I hated him for it, which is a pretty big thing to say, seeing as we're quite close friends now. I know I wouldn't go saying things that might make him hate me. I wouldn't risk it. Even Uriah has told me that I'm important to Four, saying that whenever somebody says something about her in their house he immediately joins the conversation. The thought of him being so genuinely interested in me makes my stomach flutter with butterflies.
It's December 22nd today, and right now, I'm sitting watching a bridal dress show with my Mom, even though I'm on my phone and not really focused on it. Mom must notice this, because she pauses the TV, and turns to me.
"Beatrice, darling, what's going on? You've been very quiet since the dance last week." she says, concern in her eyes and the lines in her forehead.
"I'm fine, it's just...can I ask you something?" I say quietly, my nerves getting the better of me. They don't last long, my Dauntless instinct kicking in.
"Of course you can, darling. You can ask me anything, that's what I'm here for." she says sincerely, smiling at me.
"I...I like Four, a lot. I-I don't know what to do, because I don't want to spoil our friendship." I say honestly, looking down at my hands, which are folded on my lap. I suppose this is just proof that I'm not cut out for Candor.
"I had a feeling this was coming. I know you like him honey, I've known for a while now. I understand that you value your friendship, but I think you should just wait. If he likes you back, he'll tell you. From what I see of him when you tutor him, he definitely likes you. Just don't do anything silly, and respect that if he doesn't like you back, he's entitled to that." she says, her advice solid and sound. I think it through in my head, giving her a quick hug, thanking her, and walking upstairs.
Halfway up, I hear my Dad entire the living room and ask my Mom what I was talking about. I stop, making sure they can't see or hear me, before listening in.
"Oh, it was nothing dear. She's just got a little crush on Four, that's all." she says, so casually she knows my Dad will look it over, and react later. I resist a snicker, covering my mouth with my hand.
"Oh, that's fine. Wait, what did you say? She has a crush on Four?!" he responds, emphasising his name. It gives me butterflies to hear his name, but then I realise I have more important things than getting all gushy over a boy.
"Yes, dear. Harmless crush, I assure you." she says, brushing it off like it's nothing.
"Natalie, I used to have a harmless crush on you, you were the only girl I ever had a crush on! This could escalate!" he exclaims in a hushed voice, not noticing my clear indignation to hear him say those words.
"So? Andrew, I know this is all some silly protective father can drop it, because I know you don't have a problem with Four, he's a lovely young man." My Mom says, making me do a Uriah style fist bump in the air.
"Natalie, you know it's just hard to see her growing up." My Dad says in a quiet, nostalgic, slightly hurt voice.
"I know she's still a 5 year old girl in your eyes, but she'll be 15 in a few months. I'm not saying she's going to be with Four forever, Dauntless aren't like Abnegation. They don't have one love that they are with forever. In fact, most of them have at least 5 relationships before they marry. I know some Dauntless who have even stayed with a man for a few nights, then never spoken to them again." My Mom says with a chuckle, and I know she's right. Dauntless don't stay with one person, usually.
My Dad audibly gasps at this, shocked that Dauntless would be so careless with feelings. They really are a world away from Abnegation. My Mom continues,
"She's a responsible girl, our Beatrice is. She won't be like the other Dauntless in that regard, you can tell. It's probably one of a few Abnegation things that will stick with her." my Mom says, the TV now fully switched off, my Dad on the sofa next to her. This must be a topic they've been meaning to get to for a while. I'm not surprised, I know my transfer to Dauntless is quite a transition.
"It's just hard to watch. She went from being a quiet Abnegation girl to being a risk taking Dauntless girl the next." he says, but there isn't surprise in his voice. There wasn't the day I chose Dauntless, now I think about it. Did they know the entire time that I was never suited for Abnegation? Was it that easy to see?
"You know she would never have chosen Abnegation. It isn't who she is, and even though we support her in her decision, it is hard to take. You're right, but she's growing up. When we were her age, we had that same sense of impending adulthood. The need to make our own way in the world. She's having that now, and we need to let her grow up." My Mom says wisely. I shift a little on the stairs, the knowledge of where the stairs are creaky in my mind as I cross my legs on one of the grey carpeted stairs.
"I know. You really think she'll start dating Four, though?" he says, and I hear the same worry in his voice that I heard in my mother's.
"I do, actually. You see the way they look at each other when the other isn't looking. They adore each other. It won't take long, but they're both as stubborn as each other, so I think they'll keep denying their feelings for a little while longer. Not long though I reckon they'll be sending each other Valentine's in a couple months." she says with a chuckle, and even my Dad laughs.
"Will he treat her right, though?" my Dad asks, still concerned about me having feelings for somebody as more than friends.
"He will. We've met his mother, after all. They're good people, and you shouldn't be so quick to judge them because they're Dauntless." My Mom says in an almost scolding tone, that I have never heard before. She has never suggested that my father not be the perfect Abnegation for a second, so to hear that is strange, but it doesn't make me upset, or scared of the change. It just makes me understand better that my parents really are the definition of pure love and adoration for each other. They paint the picture of a good marriage, because they don't see each other as perfect, flawless individuals, rather, equals who they love more than anyone else, and help each other become better. I will always admire them for that.
"You're right. I just don't want to see her heartbroken, because I do see how they look at each other. They've really fallen for each other, haven't they?" my Father says, in an accepting tone. Those words are the last I ever expected to hear from his mouth, because he's admitting that both Four and I have fallen in love with each other. The first part is easy to hear. I have fallen for him, head over heels in fact, but the second part is a bit harder to get my head around. My Mom and Dad fell for each other around my age. If they see love so easily when it comes to me, can they see it so easily when it comes to Four? I certainly hope so, because hearing this conversation has given me a lot more hope that my feelings will not go unrequited.
"They have. It's clear to see, and their friends see it too. But Beatrice is new to this, and I know from Hana that Four is too. He's very popular, Four is. The girls at school fall for him left right and centre, but he never wanted anything to do with it, for that very reason. He likes Beatrice, which is a sign of something strong. He has fallen in love with her." my Mom says, and I decide to leave from my position on the stairs after that. It feels wrong to hear any further, like I am meant to let fate play out, without having the prior knowledge of my wise parents.
Their conversation does leave my mind whirling, even more so than before. It seems that every time somebody brings up the topic of my feelings for Four, they always say he likes me back. The question is, do they really know? Or do they just think so? I don't want to bet my friendship, possible humiliation and heartbreak on whims, despite them coming from people like my parents, Uriah and Christina. Despite how they have made me feel more certain of Four's feelings for me, I am still not concrete sure. I don't think I ever will be unless he tells me himself. Which may never happen, because I can't bring myself to get the words out. Every time I think I'm going to say it, every time I think I'm going to confess my feelings, a nagging voice in my head tells me that this isn't the right time, or there are too many people, or that I'm being foolish.
It also doesn't help that Christina isn't the most reliable source right now. She has been going through her own bout of heartbreak, because Will does seem indeed very pleased with Violet. Will does not know that Christina thinks of him as more, and she wants to keep it that way. It's a wise decision, because Violet would turn her life to shambles, being the popular little brat she is. I'm trying to be there for her, but it's difficult because I'm just as biased as her. I don't like Violet, because she is sly and rude. It doesn't help that Christina knows that I have something for Four, and she feels it has a large chance of turning into a relationship.
I make it up in my mind then, right then, that I will tell Four exactly how I feel at Zeke's New Year's party. If he doesn't feel the same, I'll say no hard feelings and move on, no matter how hard it will be. I forcefully shove the nerves away, instead focusing on how the party might turn out to be a much happier occasion than I anticipated. But that's just a hope.