Cara read tale after glorious tale; men and women fighting alongside each other in battle, treaties being made and civilizations being destroyed. It made her realize just how much must be going on in the galaxy, outside the bubble of her current life – the constant cycle of loneliness, hope, anger, and despair she found herself trapped in. It made her sad to think that she could not help anyone from where she was; an entire medical education barely used because she had tried to run away from her problems. She knew that one person was the cause of all of this: Kylo Ren. Whoever this Supreme Leader Snoke may be, whatever he had set in motion, Kylo Ren had always been there, inside of her friend. Supressed in the shadows of the light, brought forth by the ramblings of what undoubtedly was some sort of dictator, puppet master, fiend.
She had finally accepted that Kylo Ren and Ben Solo were two different people, at war with one another in the body of a man she loved. Ben Solo was the one she needed to reach. Kylo Ren was the one that needed to be shattered.
It worried her that the war between the two sides was becoming more prominent. She could see it whenever he chose to speak with her. There was an urgency to his words, a maniacal tone that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. He was constantly looking to his weapon for comfort, for stability; and his words alternated between desperation and resentment more times than she could count. It had been much simpler to understand him when he had first brought her here – he had been constantly angry with her, consistent with his hatred. It was as though every single one of her words over the past weeks had added a new crack to his already fragile state of mind. It worried her because she could not know what was to happen next. It worried her because she could not know what it was he needed to do to finally let one of the two sides win.
She wondered about the man that had been brought on board; the man that, like her, had been captured for information. Information she hoped he did not have, for the sake of the Resistance, and the rest of the galaxy. She had experienced first-hand what Kylo Ren was capable of, what he could do when he was frantic and irate. It was a pain like nothing she had ever experienced before – even remembering what he had done to her formed a dull ache in the back of her skull as she closed her eyes to clear her mind of whatever memories were threatening to resurface. She had been lucky enough to not be in possession of any real information; she had been lucky enough to have known Ben.
There were two sides to that luck, she realized, as she gazed out the little window in her cell. On the one hand, had she not known Ben Solo, he would never have taken her in the first place. Attempting to pry information out of her had merely been a cover to conceal whatever reason it was that he truly brought her on board. On the other hand, if she had somehow known something about the Resistance, and she had not known Ben Solo as intimately as she did, she was not so sure that she would still be able to count the stars in the galaxy as she was doing right now.
As she tallied star 472, she heard footsteps coming down the hallway outside her door. She ignored them, as she had done so many times before. There was no point in hoping that Ben or Kylo would come see her – she would never be able to predict when he would finally choose to make another appearance.
Her ears had stopped listening, and as such, she had missed the fact that the footsteps had seemingly come to a halt right outside her door. Her heart skipped a beat and she jumped up from her bench as she suddenly heard a voice outside her door. It was not the voice she had known for most of her life though; it was a voice she had only come to know recently.
"They've taken another prisoner."
"FN? What are you doing out there? Someone will see you!" She said, as she got up from her usual spot in her cell to acknowledge him at the door.
"I can't come in, or stay long. I'm under orders from Phasma. I just came here to tell you that they've brought in another prisoner. He's a pilot."
"Okay. Can I just ask why this is so urgent?"
"I don't think you understand. He's a pilot." Even though FN-2187 was currently wearing his Stormtrooper helmet, which distorted his voice against the already thick sound barrier of the door, she heard the emphasis on his last words. The captured man was a pilot. FN-2187 wanted to escape.
"I – I – okay."
"Okay?" He asked, hearing the uncertainty in her words.
"Yes." She replied, more firmly. She did not want him to give up on her, not yet. At the moment, she needed to figure out if she wanted to stay. She could only do that if she had a viable option to leave.
"Okay. I need to go. I'll come back for you when the time is right."
"Alright. Thanks for telling me, FN." She smiled at him, hoping that would calm some of his nerves and reassure him that she was worthy of this new knowledge.
As he ran down the corridor and she was left alone again, her head started to spin. There were so many sides she was being pulled towards – so many empty promises being made and so many vicious threats being spoken. Sometimes, it was hard to know which side she was on.
Kylo Ren was obviously planning on keeping her here; for what purpose, she still did not know. Ben Solo was inside of him too, somehow fighting to keep her alive – wanting to speak to her, listen to her. She could not just abandon him. General Hux had threatened her if she did not fully bring Ben Solo over to the Dark Side. He had also promised to let her get back to Jakku if she complied. Now, FN-2187, the only other seemingly true friend she had ever made, was going to attempt an escape with her in tow. It was all too much for her to handle.
She wanted to scream. She wanted to let out the anger inside of her, the confusion, and the guilt, in a blood curdling scream. She wanted everyone on this planet to know what she felt – she wanted them to feel it too, for them to understand what she was going through. She could not abandon her friend; but she knew she could not stay here much longer. Not like this. Not with this much misery.
She wanted to scream, and yet she held her tongue. It would do her no good. No one here would truly care, anyway. Not even Ben Solo – not as long as he was trapped beside Kylo Ren.
The dull ache in her head had steadily become stronger, resulting in an incessant throbbing that made her head feel heavy. She sat down on her bench once more; closing her eyes against the light and against the weight of whatever decision she was yet to make.
"Why do you think there are always two sides for every issue?" Ben asked her, as they once again lounged on his bed. She was reading one of her medical text books, he was reading yet another historical account.
"I don't know." She replied, not really listening to his question.
"Come on, Cara, this is important. Why do you think there are always two sides for every issue?" He repeated his previous question as he closed her text book right under her nose.
"Ben, please. I have an exam tomorrow. I don't have time for this right now."
"This could help you with your exam."
"Oh, really? You think answering your question will help me gain a better understanding of improvisational medical techniques?"
"You never know. Will you just answer the question?" He pleaded with her, obviously interested in hearing what she had to say. He always had that effect on her – he always seemed to want to listen to her, intently.
"I don't know, Ben. Just tell me the answer." She knew he wanted to, anyway. As interested as he might be to understand how her mind works, he never missed an opportunity to show her just how smart he truly was.
"Without two, or even more, sides to an issue, there can't be any conflict. Conflict creates evolution – evolution of ideas, evolution of morals, and guidelines."
"Why are you thinking about this now?" She asked, wondering what had made him reflect on such a topic.
"Just trying to understand how the world works. How we work. Do you think we could be such good friends if we never fought about anything?"
"No?" She asked, not entirely sure if that was the right answer.
"No, exactly. Because if we agreed on everything, we never would have learned anything from each other. I never would have learned how fascinating and important a person's imagination could be – and you never would have understood the importance of history and what it can teach us. Evolution. Our evolution." He gazed at her, trying to gage her reaction. Her grey eyes met his, and she saw something in his eyes that she had not noticed before. His words may sound light-hearted, but there was a hardness in the brown of his eyes – they almost seemed to be darker in colour, a change that was not just a trick of the light.
"So you've solved the mystery of why we get along so well. Can I open my text book now or will you slam it closed again?" Something about his eyes was making her uncomfortable, a twinge her in gut was telling her she needed to change the subject.
It was as though he had not heard a single word she said. Instead, he continued, asking her yet another question.
"Do you think there can be conflict within a person?"
She could not ignore the darkness in his eyes, and the question made her feel even more unsettled. She answered as delicately as she could – anything to stop this train of thought.
"Yes, I think there can be. I think there always is, to some degree. In everyone."
Surprisingly, he barely responded, uttering a single grunt as he picked up his book again and resumed reading. She sat in silence for a moment, looking at him, trying to understand what it was he was contemplating. It seemed he could sense her gaze, and he turned his head towards her, smiling ever so slightly. The gesture put her mind at ease, much quicker than she should have allowed, and he never brought up the subject again.
Her eyes shot open as the memory ended. The guilt that weighed down upon her now seemed so much heavier than it had before she had fallen asleep. She knew why. She just did not want to admit it to herself.
"You tried to tell me, Ben. I'm sorry I did not listen." She whispered the words to herself, wishing that he could somehow hear them, all the while knowing it was futile. He would not be listening. Kylo Ren would only allow him to listen when it suited himself.
"I'm sorry I did not listen." She whispered to herself again.
"I'm sorry I did not help you."
In her sleep, she had once again missed the sound of footsteps outside her door – heavy footsteps with the singular purpose of coming to see her. And yet, as he had approached her door, Kylo Ren stopped himself – not really remembering why he had come there and not really wanting to leave. Instead, he stood just there, entranced by mere feeling of her presence so nearby. In fact, he was so entranced, that he almost missed the words she was whispering to herself. Almost.
"I'm sorry I did not listen. I'm sorry I did not help you."
A/N: I just want to once again thank you for all these overwhelmingly lovely reviews you've been writing. They truly make my day! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I will have the next one up ASAP.