CHAPTER 21

I could barely get to sleep. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I was thinking about how I could have been infested, or even killed, earlier today. Maybe it was because I still had adrenaline flowing through my body. Maybe it was because I was thinking about what everyone had said. Or maybe I was thinking about Mom and Dad.

Like I said, I'm not sure.

Now, you're probably wondering why I'm trying to sleep in the middle of the day. Well, have YOU ever been awake for more than twenty-four hours? Yeah, you get a little tired, don't you? You need at least a few hours' rest, am I right? Trust me, it's not fun, especially if you've gone through what I have, and I doubt that.

But I digress.

It was the middle of the afternoon – around three, I think; I don't really remember. I was sitting at the kitchen table – Jonah and I had gone back to Erek's place – drinking a glass of iced tea. I had no idea what everyone else was up to, but for now, I figured it was best if I just stayed out of the way. So far I've done nothing but cause trouble for them; all my impulsiveness, all my little "rookie mistakes", as Rachel called them, it was a burden for the other Animorphs. Okay, yes, I was still relatively new at this whole…well, I guess it's not quite a superhero gimmick, but still, that's no excuse for the way I've been acting up until this point.

Let's face facts here – I've been doing this for my own benefit. To be fair, anyone else would if they were in my situation. I wanted to rescue my family; okay, no problem. But there was a problem – in trying to rescue my family, I've only managed to rescue my little brother – who had to endure three long days tied to a chair before that Yeerk fell out of his head – I haven't been able to find my mom and dad, and I nearly got me and the others killed earlier this morning because I went off on my own.

Why am I telling you this? You already know all this; this is no time for a recap.

I'm sorry; that was a little harsh, wasn't it? I shouldn't be snapping at you like that.

Anyway, I was sitting here, trying to think about what I was going to do now. I couldn't go back to the Yeerk Pool – Visser Three would probably anticipate that I had survived and have some sort of backup if I came back – and right now, I didn't think that Jake and the others wanted to talk to me. Rachel was still mad, no doubt about that.

Mad? That doesn't even begin to describe it. She was furious. She said that if I ever pulled that stunt again, she was going to kill me, and you know what? I believe it.

I downed my drink and made my way to the front door, but stopped before I opened it. What was I supposed to do – go back and apologize to everyone for being such a burden? Leave the group? If you recall, Jake had said that they wouldn't hold it against me, but considering that last night there was a very high chance that I could have been infested, I don't think leaving would be an option anymore. Let's say that I DO get infested – besides the fact that it would probably suck, the Yeerks would have access to everything I know about the Animorphs – their names, where they live (okay, I only knew where Cassie lived, but still), and the fact that only one of them was an Andalite.

Yeah, not good.

But I had to talk to them. I had to meet with them and apologize for being such a screw up. So out the door I went.

I made sure to stay to the back streets; I didn't want anyone to see me. For all I knew, everyone who was out today was a Controller. If Visser Three didn't know that I had survived, one of them would tell him. And needless to say, that wouldn't be good.

The problem with taking the alleys and the backstreets of any town is that it takes forever to get anywhere, and you also run the risk of getting lost. Maybe I was just being overly paranoid. But can you blame me? No, I guess not.

Anyway, it took me longer than usual, but I finally made it to Cassie's barn. And there was no one around.

No one, that is, except for someone who I guess was Cassie's mother – a sweet looking woman cradling a baby fox in her arms.

"Hi there," she said as she made her way towards the barn doors. "You must be Cassie's new friend Penny."

"Yes, I am," I said. "Um….Is Cassie around?"

"She went into town with her dad to do some shopping," Cassie's mom said. "They should be back soon."

"Oh. I see. Uh, is it okay if I wait here for them to get back? I really need to talk to Cassie."

"I don't see why not, but you could have just called."

"My phone's not working".

Hey, it was the best excuse I had.

Fortunately, Cassie's mom bought it. "That happens sometimes. Sure, you can wait here."

I followed her into the barn. "So, what happened to that little guy?"

"Poor thing lost its mother to a hunter. Cassie found him on the road, nearly dead from hunger. We've been nursing him back to health for the past several months. I give it at least another two more months before he's ready to go off on his own."

She set the little fox down next to a bowl of water, letting him get a drink. I knelt down and ran my hand over its light orange fur. I wasn't trying to acquire it; I just wanted to pet it. I do like foxes – I think they're cute.

The sound of a pickup truck pulling into the driveway caught my attention. I stood up and headed for the door, just as Cassie and her father climbed out of the car.

"Cassie!" I called, waving to get her attention. "Over here!"

"I'll be there in a bit, Penny," Cassie said. "I have to help Dad put these groceries away."

So yeah, that resulted in me sitting on a hay bale in the barn, my chin in my hands, surrounded by the animals, waiting for Cassie to come back. There was so much I wanted to say to her, to everyone. But I figured that for now, Cassie would do. At least she would listen. Unlike Rachel. Rachel can be scary when she's angry.

After about fifteen minutes – it was either fifteen or twenty, I really don't know – Cassie finally came into the barn.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"Yes. No. I don't know. I just – I just had to talk to you guys. Where is everyone else?"

"I guess they went home after you and Jonah left. We all needed to take a break."

"And I guess your break involves running errands with your dad."

"We kind of had to go shopping." She sat down next to me. "Penny, look, if this is about what happened earlier, don't worry about it. It isn't your fault."

"Like hell it isn't!" I snapped. "Cassie, I really screwed up. I almost got myself killed, I almost got all of you killed! What would that have accomplished?"

"It was an honest mistake, Penny. We've all made them."

"I just – I just feel like I'm a burden to you all. Like I'm weighing you down."

"You're not a burden, Penny. You've done very well for someone new to this sort of thing. Stop beating yourself up like this."

"I can't help it. Let's face it, Cassie – the whole time I've been part of this team, I haven't been acting like it. I've been self-centered, emotional, impulsive, and I've been dragging you guys along on my crusade. I shouldn't be doing that."

"Okay, maybe you're right." She put a hand on my shoulder. "But you've still got a lot to learn, and a lot of room to improve. You've only been doing this for less than a week. You'll get it. Don't worry."

"I can't HELP but worry about it," I said. I stood up. "Tell me one thing I've done for you guys that hasn't benefitted me." Cassie was silent. "Exactly. This whole time, I've been making it about me. Yes, I want to save my mom and dad, but I also didn't realize that I was part of a team. This isn't about ME. It's about everybody. I see that now."

"So….What now?"

I sighed. "I don't know. I guess, get everyone else together and talk about this."

"We already talked about it, remember? Earlier this morning?"

"I know. I just feel like I should say it again. I don't know why."

"Look, Penny, I think you got your point across already," Cassie said. "You're a part of this team, and you actually want to play the part. I understand."

"The question is, does everyone else?"

"I'm sure they do, Penny. They just show it in different ways."

"Yeah, Rachel's way is to threaten to snap my neck if I pull that stunt again."

"To be fair, what you did WAS pretty stupid."

"Yeah, I suppose it was."

I took a moment to think about everything that had happened since I came here: Moving in; meeting everyone; learning about the Andalites and the Yeerks; gaining the morphing power; acquiring my morphs; Mom, Dad, and Jonah being abducted by the Yeerks and infested; saving Jonah; that stupid, stupid stunt I pulled – to this day I still haven't forgotten about it. I use it as a reminder not to do anything stupid ever again, at least not without consulting everyone. So yeah, I certainly learned from that mistake.

Is it even right to call that a mistake? A mistake is something you do by accident. It's something you never intended to do. What I did – that was no mistake. That was just a stupid decision.

But I think I know what you're thinking as you read this – why am I still going on about this? Well, at the time, I was feeling incredibly guilty. I was taking this whole thing very personally. I couldn't help but dwell on it.

Besides, I knew that everyone else would probably have felt the same way that I felt. I mean, if Jake were in my predicament, he would have wanted to save his brother, wouldn't he? Well, he did; I knew that he wanted to save his brother, but at the same time, I also knew that he had to be part of this team. The same was true with Marco and his mother.

I really needed to re-evaluate my place on this team. Everyone else, they were battle hardened veterans, and me? I was the new kid. I was the one who had to be shown the ropes. I had barely begun to scratch the surface of what this fight could be. I had only seen a small glimpse of all the horrible events everyone else had lived through. Who was I to just impulsively run in like I knew what I was doing, when I really had no idea what I was doing?

I know that Cassie said I wasn't a burden, but being new to this, how could I help but NOT feel like I was? They were all looking out for me, making sure I did everything right, and so far, I've done nothing but held them back. At least, that was what I was feeling like. I knew that Cassie was right, but I couldn't help it.

Taking a deep breath, I decided it was time to head back. I had come to talk to everyone, but if Cassie was the only one here and everyone else was off doing their own thing, what was the point of me hanging around?

All I was doing was taking up space.

I didn't bother with the back streets as I made my way back to Erek's. I mainly kept my eyes forward, my mind blank as I walked. That didn't mean that I didn't notice people looking at me – some just general acknowledgment of another passerby, some just being nosy, and I'm pretty sure at least one man was leering. Not that I cared. I had more important things to worry about.

Erek was waiting for me as I got to the front door.

"Tell me you didn't go off and do something stupid again."

"No. I just went to talk to Cassie for a little bit. I had to get something off my chest."

"And?"

"It went about as well as it could have. So, are you going to let me in?"

The first thing I did was get me a glass of water. Do you have any idea how hot a town like this can get during the summer? We're talking nearly a hundred degrees.

Now that I could, I sat down to think. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was probably being a little too hard on myself. Let's face it, the only reason I felt like a burden to everybody was because I was still new to this whole thing. Yeah, like I haven't been saying that a lot lately, huh? Okay, I've made a few mistakes here and there, and maybe a few big ones at that, but really, that was no reason to be moping like I have been all day. I mean, live and learn, right? Hell, I wouldn't have been surprised if even Rachel had simmered down by this point.

I felt Jonah's hand on mine. I put my arm around his shoulders and pulled him in for a light hug.

"You're going to save Mom and Dad, right, Penny?" he asked.

"Of course I am," I replied. "And we're going to do it together. We won't let those filthy slugs keep them. I saved you, and we can save Mom and Dad. Trust me."