A/N: Many thanks to Newtinmpls for your message of support, and to FloridaMagpie for the reviews - I hope this chapter and the next live up to your expectations!

Chapter 20: So Futile

Llovesi was curled in a ball on the hard ground of Ilunibi. Julan was speaking somewhere in the distance. She forced herself to listen.

"... incurable... always fatal... Ai, Llovesi, I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say..."

He reached down and pulled her to her feet. She slapped him away.

"Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Please," she sobbed, "please, Julan, I can't lose you!"

Julan looked uncomfortable, but he didn't let her go. "I'm immune, Llovesi. My mother made me drink all sort of disgusting herbal concoctions for a week before I left to go to Red Mountain. Gah! Why didn't I get her to do the same for you?"

So Julan would only touch her because there was no risk of catching the disease. No else would ever touch her again. No one would speak to her, no one would come near her.

"Julan," she said dully, "you have to leave me here. I'm infectious. I'm dangerous."

"Llovesi, listen to me," he said, kneeling beside her. "I'm not leaving you!"

"I've got Corprus, Julan!" she shouted. "I'm going to die!" She hadn't wanted to say it, saying it made it real, but she had to. Had to accept her fate. Was this what her life had been leading up to? What a waste. Well, she couldn't be the Nerevarine now. She clearly wasn't immune.

She drew her dagger and swiftly cut her arm. "Look!" she screamed. The skin hardened almost instantly, growing thick and bulbous beneath their eyes.

"Don't do that, Llovesi!" Julan slapped the dagger from her hand. "I'm not leaving you here to die alone! I would never! Caius, Caius must have planned for this. We must go back to him."

He pulled her to her feet, and Llovesi allowed herself to be led back through the cave. Her bones ached, her mind ached. What's the point? It's so futile.

Every step was an effort; every breath reminded her of the life she was losing. I'm like Clause now. Joined in the ash, joined in the flesh. How long have I got left?

She must have fainted, because she woke as Julan laid her by some rocks.

"Wha? Where are we?" she asked weakly.

"Just outside Caldera," he replied. "Stay here, I'm going to buy you another cloak to, to ah, cover your face."

Her cuirass was too tight, far too tight. She ripped it off, ripped through her shirt. Scratched the itch. Ah, that's better, look at how the blood runs it's funny really oh Gods it still itches but the welts are so deep why is it going dark...

"Llovesi!" Julan was standing over her, looking aghast. She was vaguely aware of a sticky liquid pooling around her sides. "What in Oblivion... put this on, let me help you."

She fumbled her limbs into the thick winter cloak Julan offered her, pulled the hood low over her face.

"Better... just leave me here... let me sleep."

"No. Llovesi, I'm getting you to Balmora, but I can't carry you the whole way. Please."

She cried then, tears pouring down her face. "I'm so sorry, so sorry."

Days into nights into days. The stars whirled round the earth at a dizzying pace. The red ash howled. Llovesi tried to concentrate on the roads as she stumbled along. Dry wicked trees. They lunged for her. A liquid came down her throat. Julan was helping her drink. She cried tears of humiliation.

Then there were moments of clarity too. She remembered fighting of a pack of nix-hounds. She could use both her spears as well, whirling them round her body, impaling creatures right and left. When the battle was won, Julan carefully took all her weapons away.

"You'll just hurt yourself more," he said gently. "Let me do the fighting for now."

The Red Mountain was inviting her. She longed to breathe in the ash. Why was her flesh so heavy? She tried to take it off, it was so cumbersome.

It hurt. Her mind yearned to be free.

Then they were looking down at Balmora. It stretched below them, lit with lanterns. Strangely, people were in the streets. Dancing. How could they be happy?

"It's Saturalia," Julan said. "The 25th of Evening Star. It took us three days to get here."

Three days... only three days?

He sat her down on a rock. "How are you feeling?"

"I've felt better." Mainly there was the constant headache. Every part of her body itched constantly. She pulled her hood lower, not wanting Julan to have to look at her face. If she'd been plain before, she was hideous now. A monster.

"Right," Julan said from far away. "I'm going to get Caius. Wait here, I won't be long this time."

So Llovesi waited, watching the lights swirl into a dizzying rainbow in the streets below.

"Llovesi."

She forced herself to look up, the hood falling from her face. It was Caius, fully dressed and carrying a sack. He looked down at her unflinchingly.

"Your friend told me what happened. With Dagoth Gares dead, the Sixth House shrine is no longer a threat. You've more than earned a promotion to the rank of Traveller. While I'm not at all impressed that you compromised your position to Julan here, I agree that it was best that you did. I'm far more worried that you have Corprus disease. But I have some good news in that department."

He knelt beside her. "I canvassed my informants for possible treatments, just in case you contracted the disease during your mission. I learned from Fast Eddie that your best chance of getting cured is Divayth Fyr, an ancient Telvanni wizard who runs a Corprusarium for victims of the disease."

He opened the sack to show her its contents.

"Take this Dwemer artefact and one thousand septims, and go to Tel Fyr. Divayth Fyr will like the Dwemer artefact. A gift may sweeten his disposition. The gold is for expenses. And here're a couple of Levitation potions. I hear you'll need them in Telvanni towers, because wizards don't use stairs. So get moving, and get that Corprus disease cured. Then hurry back. I think I know how to get the lost prophecies Nibani Maesa asked for."

"You... you do?" Llovesi asked. It seemed so unimportant.

"Yes," Caius said. "Now here, let me mark Tel Fyr on your map. You'll have to walk, but I think that's probably for the best. Good luck, Traveller."

He nodded curtly at Julan and set off back towards Balmora.

"You see, Llovesi?" Julan said excitedly. "I told you not to give up hope! If there's a chance Divayth Fyr could cure you, we have to try!"

Llovesi nodded, clinging on to an ignited spark of determination. It was a small hope, true, but it was still a hope and she could use that.

She got to her feet and took the first step of many towards her last chance.