Jane's point of view.
Later that evening I'm sitting at the table playing cards with my brothers, which blows my freaking mind because it's so normal.
Frankie assesses his cards as he takes a gulp of his beer, and then he sets two cards face down on the table and gives himself two more from the deck.
Tommy chuckles under his breath as he rearranges the cards in his hand. I examine my cards. I don't have a very good hand, but we're not playing for money, just fun. I know why, too. When we were younger, our father would make us play for money. If he won, he'd take all his winnings and if he lost, he'd yell at us because in his words, "we were cheating bastards." So really, we'd always lose.
Maura sticks her head into the kitchen long enough to tell me she's getting in the shower and I stare at where she was longer than I should. We haven't spoken about what happened earlier, I don't even know if we should. It's perfectly normal for couples to have sex and not even mention it hours later isn't it?
"So, you think we are ever going to do this?" Tommy asks after we sit in silence through a couple of hands.
"Do what?" I ask.
He picks up two more cards from the deck. "Talk about dad..." He leans forward, then turns to face me.
"There's really not much to say don't you think?"
"I know it's hard Jane, and when Tommy told me I didn't have a freaking clue what to do, I felt lost you know? It took me forever to make the decision to go see him, now that I have I feel better." Frankie says.
"I kinda understand why you did though." I say, staring at the cards in his hand. I blow out a breath. "It all comes back to him. I don't want to have anything to do with him and every time something is connected to him...I swear to God, I can sometimes hear his voice in my head.…" I stop talking, unsure why I decided to say that aloud I haven't even told Maura about that.
Frankie's shoulders slump, probably from the weight of the memories of our father. "Jane, I know it's hard, but you need to let this thing with Dad go. Let the past go. And I think once you do, you'll stop hearing all that fucked up shit he said about you all the time.
"He's in bad shape." Tommy says taking a sip of his beer.
I'm fairly sure we play an entire hand before I'm able to get ahold of my voice and my emotions enough to respond.
"How bad?"
Resolution. This is what you want right? You are a terrible person.
"Really, really bad." Tommy says, releasing an exhausted breath.
It's strange, but it seems like we should be crying or something, yet our eyes are dry. My heart feels the same way, too, and those thoughts of how I've got to be a bad person come rushing back to me because this can't be normal to feel nothing toward the person who raised me. Or who helped for a few years.
"I think he's going to die." Frankie says quietly.
And again, absolutely nothing. Is this my resolution?
"I have to go." I say, getting up from my chair.
My pulse is pounding, my skin damp with sweat, I feel like I can't get enough air into my lungs. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help it. I wanted resolution, but not like this.
Or did I? Am I that kind of person? To wish pain upon someone else? Am I like Hoyt?
The last thought is fucking horrifying. I feel like I'm about to fall again, tumble into the dark.
I find Maura in the bathroom combing her wet hair, I watch her for several moment, and I can breathe again. She keeps me living and breathing. When her eyes catch mine staring at her in the mirror I avert my eyes, and walk up behind her and place my hands on her shoulders. Her eyes settle on me again.
"What's wrong?" She asks, searching my eyes.
"Nothing."
"Liar." She laughs, but drops the subject.
I kiss her softly on the neck, and wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder, and close my eyes. I don't deserve her. Fate was drunk off its ass when it let me have her and I hope it doesn't realize it fucked up. Pulling away she turns to face me. She cradles my face in her hands.
"Tell me, please. You can talk to me. I'm not going anywhere." She pleads with me.
What am I so afraid of? She is the closest Ive ever been to a woman, besides my mother. And I love her and hate her all at once because I know she is the one person who has the potential to destroy me. As long as I don't destroy myself first.
Searching her eyes I confide in her.
"Frankie and Tommy want me to go see my father, but I don't know if I can." I say.
"You've suffered enough. And if you don't want to go then you deserve not to go. You have me, and your mother, we will back your decision. You're never, ever alone."
I force down the massive lump welling in my throat. "I know that, but I feel guilty that you guys have to put up with my shit."
"Well, you don't need to feel guilty about anything." Her voice shakes with anger, startling me. "You don't owe your father anything, only yourself, so you do what want to do and not what anyone else wants you to do."
"I know, but …" I can't meet her gaze, I look anywhere but at her.
"But what?" She urges me to tell her, to look at her, not to shut down like I have in the past. And I want to give her that. I really do.
"But the screwed up thing is, after all the shit we went through, I still want to make him proud of me, I want him to love me."
She places her hand on my face and forces me to look at her.
"But I know he hates me." I say, my voice trembling. " And I feel relieved he's dying, like he deserves it somehow, that's something Hoyt would do, feel relief by hurting people."
"That's different, Jane. Way, way different."
A part of me gets why she's telling me this, but the other part of me the one that fears turning out like Hoyt just can't get over how full of hate my reaction is.
"That's enough doom and gloom for one day." I finally say. I tuck her hair behind her ear. "Thank you for everything you did for me today. You've shown me that you've got my back. I have yours. You need to know that."
Her lips curve into a smile then she stands on her tiptoes to place a kiss on my mouth. Her taste drowns me, and for the slightest, liberating moment, I forget about everything. The kiss is too quick, though, and when she starts to pull away, I cup the back of her neck and pull her right back to me, refusing to let her go, wanting to feel the calmness inside me just a little bit longer.
She doesn't protest as I slide my tongue deep inside her mouth, exploring every inch of it as I grasp onto her hips, gripping her sides. She clutches onto me tightly too, our bodies aligning It's one of those easy moments with her that I look forward to and I wish I could stay in forever. But for some reason I have a feeling life will move on. To a future where I wish I knew what the hell is going to happen.