AAAUGGGGH FANFICTION WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SUBMISSION ERROR"?! I AM SICK OF COPYING AND PASTING AND THEN HAVING TO REARRANGE EVERY. SINGLE. LINE BECAUSE YOU CAN'T EVEN READ MY COMPUTER CLIPBOARD PROPERLY!
...Ahem.
Chapter 21: We All Love Plot Twists
"Groose, stop being so complacent!" Psuedo- Zelda hissed, pulling him back. "Remember how evil these people are!"
"Who, Link?" Groose replied, gesturing. Link waved cheerily.
Psuedo- Zelda's features immediately softened as she saw her childhood friend, and returned the wave cheerily. Fi seemed very interested in the HQ, hovering around behind doors and apparently eavesdropping.
Ghirahim looked around at the group in shock. Over the course of the story, he had completely failed to notice just how large the cast had become. But now, here were all the characters- nine of them! (Including Mittens, who was having a good scratch in the corner). Usually there would be ten, but Ganondorf seemed to have disappeared. Still, nobody would miss him.
How had the author remembered to include them all? Ghirahim felt an unwanted pang of respect towards her- had she really remembered them all off the top of her head?
The author nodded and shoved a large filing cabinet in front of the left wall of her bedroom, which was covered with fanfic-related Post- It notes and a giant drawing of Demise farting.
"So, what are we supposed to do?" Psuedo- Zelda asked in distrust. "I hope it's not one of your evil schemes!"
"Actually, it is." Ghirahim announced cheerfully. He figured that since the villains outnumbered the goodies by quite a large number, Psuedo- Zelda's protests would be in vain. And since the forceful soul-of-Zelda seemed to be cooperating with the dark side as well, surely things would go their way!
The Skyloftian girl stepped forward, pushing Groose out of the way. She held her head high, eyes narrowed. "You, sir, are a BUMFACE."
There was a long silence.
Everyone looked deadpan.
"A bumface? Can't you come up with...well, some stronger insults?" Ghirahim asked.
"Yeah! Try these for size!" came soul- of- Zelda's voice. Everyone flinched and covered their ears as a volley of foul swearwords reverberated around the halls. Several heads looked out of conference rooms and glared at the group.
"Soul- of- Zelda, I detect an air of irritation amongst the people currently inhabiting this building, especially those in important meetings. Kindly refrain from your swearing." Fi said with an air of awkwardness.
"No [CENSORED] way! I'm having the best [CENSORED] time of my life here! [CENSORED] off, Fi!"
There was another silence, a shocked one this one. Everyone turned to Fi to see what she would do. Her face remained expressionless as usual, but when she spoke next her tone had changed drastically.
"Very well then. That is your choice, and I will indeed [CENSORED] off if you require me to do so. It has NOT been a pleasure for me to accompany you on your journey, I have NOT enjoyed ANY second of being with you, and I hope with all my heart that we do not meet again in another life."
With that, she turned and floated away, with a robotic "harrumph!" Link burst into tears and ran after her.
"Fi! Fi! Wait! I can't live without you, Fi!"
"He really won't!" Psuedo- Zelda said in desperation. "Link isn't the brightest tool in the box at all! If Fi isn't there to help him with his quest in Skyward Sword, how is he ever going to rescue me...wait... I suppose I'm already rescued?"
"No, Psuedo- Zelda." Vaati smirked. "You're in the worst possible position. Ghirahim! Go and get Link! Wherever Fi goes, he'll go. That makes things easier!"
Ghirahim stood his ground. "Why in all hell should I do it?! I was the main character in this story before YOU turned up!"
"Well, tough. You're relegated to deuteragonist. Now GO!"
"NO! Big words don't impress me at all! I REFUSE to GO!"
"GO NOW, YOU SAD EXCUSE FOR A-"
"Don't even finish that sentence! I'm not going! I am going to simply stay here and MOON YOU!" With that, Ghirahim whipped off his entire skinsuit and pointed his buttocks squarely towards Vaati.
Even Groose looked disgusted. "Is that really a mature way to settle an argument, Ghirahim?"
"Well, APPARENTLY my clothes aren't practical for anything except stripping! I quote from the reviews! So even if it's not mature, it's perfectly suitable!"
Everyone had to agree.
Without Fi, however, they were at a bit of a loose end. They hadn't realised just how important the sword spirit had been to them- especially Demise, who had been secretly hiring Fi to call Scrapper to wipe his fat bottom on the toilet.
Link returned after a while, howling. Fi had totally confused him by turning a corner quickly, and he had run straight into the wall while wielding his sword.
The result was that the Master Sword was now sticking at a worrying angle out through his head. He was distraught as usual, and flew over to Mittens.
Even the bird huffed and kicked him off, apparently lacking in sympathy after all it had been put through during the course of the story (although to be fair, he/she had been given the easiest job of ferrying the group around. It still wasn't good enough, apparently). The hero lay on the floor and sobbed like a baby.
"Oh for God's sake... even I have to take pity on you. I can't believe this." Ghirahim muttered, and bent down to give him an awkward pat on the head. Link sniffed and seemed to cheer up a little, especially when soul- of- Zelda and Psuedo- Zelda started singing his favourite nursery rhymes. In five minutes or so, he was rocking backwards and forwards cheerfully.
"We can get on without Fi!" Demise said in the usual stereotypical Japanese accent. "We have everything right where we need it!"
"So, is Eiji Aonuma evil then?" Vaati enquired.
"Naaah. I have his soul but it's still my psyche."
"Oh, I get it."
"Without further ado..." Demise inhaled deeply. "I shall inhale Link's soul and gain the Triforce of Courage!"
Link seemed to realise what was happening, and shot to his feet. He pulled his sword out of his head with great difficulty, and waved it about in the air.
Everyone ducked as brain splattered the walls.
"No! That's nasty!" Link yelled. "Please don't inhale my soul and take my Triforce!"
"Well, he's already taken my Triforce of Wisdom. It was naturally going to be you next, idiot. AND he's got the Triforce of Power, because-" Soul- of- Zelda was interrupted by a roar from Demise.
"SILENCE! That may or may not be for next chapter!" the evil deity bellowed. Ghirahim and Vaati looked at eachother in delight, then proceeded to have a very undignified and unmanly celebration in which they hugged eachother and jumped up and down in a circle.
"My lord's evil voice is back!" Ghirahim sang in joy.
"His lord's stupid voice is back!" Vaati sang in joy. Ghirahim punched him to the floor.
Psuedo- Zelda facepalmed.
Demise, who had been briefly distracted by Ghirahim and Vaati's antics, turned his attention back to Link. The boy was studying his hair gormlessly, and seemed rather surprised when Demise began to inhale once again. The evil deity felt triumphant- this was surely his finest hour! His career highlight! His-
"HOLY [CENSORED] OF [CENSORED]!"
The scream was from everyone except Demise and Link. The villains, souls, and birds all flinched back as an explosion of golden light filled the air. Link was holding his sword up in a Skyward Strike, light radiating from him and the blade. The boy spoke, in a manner very unlike himself.
"Denizens of Treehouse! Our enemy is present at last!"
Meeting doors burst open and suited Japanese workers sprinted out into the corridors, arming themselves with whatever weapons they had to hand.
Miyamoto himself was at the front of the group, having ripped off the actual meeting room door and was now weighting it from one hand to the other menacingly. They gathered together, a heaving army of smartly dressed programmers, developers and designers clutching table legs, drafting books, whiteboards, and any other seemingly mundane item that could be turned into an instrument of violence whenever the call came.
"Oh holy [CENSORED]!" Vaati and Ghirahim shrieked together, forgetting their masculinity again and clinging on to eachother like children.
"What the HELL. Is. Going. ON." Soul- of- Zelda, if she had not been dead, would have died of shock right at that moment.
"I suppose I owe you some explanation!" the author smiled. She was inexplicably perched on Miyamoto's shoulder, and he kept trying to swat her off. He only succeeded in swinging the door around wildly and taking out several of his colleagues. Link waved at the author happily.
"Look how sharp my sword is!" he exclaimed, and ran his finger down it.
Everyone looked.
"My... finger..." Link whimpered, looking down at the severed digit. Ghirahim trooped forward and taped it up laboriously.
"Okay then! Foolishness over, I'll explain what's happened. You see, THIS-" the author jumped off Miyamoto and swung her arm towards the waiting masses enthusiastically- "was all planned ages in advance. Now, we all know that Nintendo are very protective of their characters. So when they learnt that you, Ghirahim and Demise, were plotting to take the Triforce, they knew they had to stop you in order to carry on the Zelda timeline. They couldn't afford to have their main protagonist killed!
They began communication with Link here. Link is a difficult boy, seemingly very dull. However- he DOES have some vestige of intelligence, and when he learned that the whole of Nintendo were determined to defeat these Triforce- stealing villains, he began formulating a plot to end you all up here in this place where you could be outnumbered and defeated easily. He has eventually achieved this- although you couldn't help messing them about along the way, could you, Link?" The author glared at him with venom.
Link looked at his feet bashfully. "It was fun..."
"FUN?!" Ghirahim exploded. "FUN?! LISTEN TO ME, YOU LITTLE BACKSTABBING BOOGER, IT WAS NOT FUN!"
Koji Kondo waved a grand piano above his head threateningly. Ghirahim faltered and fell silent.
"Anyway!" the author contined. "Due to his stubborness, and your desperation, you have fallen completely into his trap! Now you are at the mercy of Nintendo, and whatever forces they may have behind them. If you succeed, Demise, you may inhale Link's soul and gain the final part of the Triforce. If you fail, all three pieces will be returned to their rightful owners."
"W-wait!" soul- of- Zelda howled. "I'm a freaking GHOST! How am I supposed to wave the Triforce about menacingly on the back of my hand?!"
"You will learn."
"DON'T GIVE ME THAT!" There was a crash as another chandelier shattered, having fallen victim to soul- of- Zelda's poltergeist activities. Tables were rattled, lights were switched on and off, and an enormous fart ripped across the air.
"God above!" spluttered Groose, using his pompadour to wipe his streaming eyes. "That STINKS!"
"I still have a digestive system, twerp!" soul- of- Zelda hissed, and let off another guff. Everyone cringed.
"CHAAAAARRRGGGEEEEEEEEE!" Link yelled. "Get them while they're down!"
The Nintendo staff stood still. One man began to pick his nose with a machete- the handle, I hasten to add. Link looked confused.
"Why aren't they going?"
"They're JAPANESE, doofus. They need a translation into their own language."
"I WANT A HAAAANNNNNDDD!" screamed soul- of- Zelda. It was Psuedo- Zelda who came to her rescue, somehow summoning a hand from mid- air. It was not your conventional hand, rather it was one of those annoying foam hands everyone wears to sports games to support their team.
"WHAAAAAAT?! ARE YOU INSULTING ME?!" bellowed soul- of- Zelda (sounding rather like Demise). She put it on nevertheless, and everyone was confronted with the strange sight of a foam "Seattle Rovers #1" hand bobbing up and down in mid-air.
"...Banzai?" suggested Link, still trying to get his army to move forward.
This seemed to work, and the army thundered towards the group of villains.
_
*punches air* YESSSS! Haha! This chapter was probably the hardest to write because I have no clue how to handle major plot twists! I do hope you liked it nevertheless ;)
Now never you fear Fi-lovers, she will return next chapter, if a week is long enough for her to recover from her hissy fit that is. The poor sword spirit HAS been put through a lot by those goons though!
Next chapter (or maybe the chapter after that, if there is one) I am hoping to put in references to all of my reviewers, favers, and followers. Because I'm nice like that ;) Of course, if you don't want a reference to be made to you, please tell me in reviews or PMs! I won't mind! ^^
Oh, and a little heads- up: Next week is GCSE Mocks Week, so the chapter may be up rather late or even on Sunday. I will try to get it out on time but I want to make sure I do well in my exams also! Sorry! ^^
Now, mentions!
DelicatelyDeadly: Hey, nothing wrong with going off topic! I do it all the time ;) And you're totally right, I swear I heard Miyamoto say in an interview (for TP or something?) that Link was like his child. Bless him.
Wahahahaaaa! I laughed so hard when you said his guts would make the walls rainbow-y! I can see a paint being manufactured from that, "Ghirahim's Guts- Only One Coat Needed!" I wonder if every one of his internal organs is rainbow...does he wee rainbows? Does he bleed rainbows? Hrm...
Reviewing at 2AM?! Ye gods! Well your review came through at about 9 in the morning over here, so there's a bit of a time difference! You live in Seattle, right? So that's a seven- hour difference...wow! I do hope you got to sleep alright though (eventually)! And yes, that was right! Well done! =D
Acry-Hero-Of-Cheese: Yes, you're right! Groose and Fi were fools to ignore Psuedo- Zelda, because NOW look what's happened! Ah, they'll be regretting it even more next chapter... *evil laugh*
Haha, I know, Zelda and Tumblr are probably the two most distracting things possible. They're both so awesome (except my computer won't run Tumblr any more, it's older than me and veeery creaky *sigh*) which is a shame! I look forward to seeing you on dA, I'm sure you're a better artist than me XD
Muffins?! All for ME! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
*rolls in muffins*
WraithHeart: Well, do put your brain back in because you'll need it to navigate all the fabulous plotholes turning up! ;) But thank you anyway, much appreciated! Alas, Fi had a bit of a hard time this chapter but never fear, she will play a role next chapter as well (and maybe the next if there's another after that *gulp*)
Why, I feel I may need my lungs as well! Between my lungs and my soul, I don't know which one I'd be more devastated to lose! But nevertheless, this once again spurred me to update and type super- fast! Yaaay! =D
Hrm... well I've never had that happen to me, but thank you for the advice anyway. I will make sure not to inhale any Lucozade through my olfactory system any time soon!
See you next week, everyone! *waves*!