Letting go

It was a long drive back to the apartment. Though it wasn't supposed to be. On a normal day it would only have taken about ten minutes, more or less. But this wasn't a normal day. This was so far from being a normal day as it could possibly be.

Will found himself sitting in his car, in the parking lot, and for some reason, he wasn't able to turn the key in the ignition, to start the car and drive away. Instead, he stared out of the windshield, out into the white winter wonderland the last night had left them with. At any other time, he might've found it beautiful. Might've liked the idea of having a white Christmas for once… even if he would probably spent it alone. But he didn't even see the snow, didn't see the ice crystals sprawling over the side window's of the car standing next to his, or the thick layer of snow hiding away the cold asphalt. He just sat there, waiting… though he didn't even know what he was waiting for. There was nothing left to do here. He'd said goodbye. It was over…

Puck wasn't going to change his mind.

But something was holding him back, preventing him from leaving. And there was this little voice in the back of his head, telling him, that he was wrong. That this was the worst thing he could do, that there was still time to change his mind… to stop Puck from running away. And it wasn't just whispering at him. It was getting louder, yelling - no, almost screaming at him - to go back into that building. But he wasn't going to listen to it... wasn't going to go back.

He just needed a little more time to let go.

When he finally started the car, his fingers were already stiff from the cold, and he was glad, that the heater would soon be filling his car with nice, hot air, and maybe the warmth would help him relax… at least a little bit.

But it didn't work. He still couldn't shake that uneasy feeling, couldn't get rid of that painful knot in his stomach. He didn't even notice that he was taking one wrong turn after another, driving around aimlessly for what seemed like hours. He just couldn't concentrate on anything but the fact, that Puck would soon be out of this town… and that he would probably never come back.

Of all the kids joining Glee, Puck had always the one Will had never been able to understand. It had been easy enough with Finn - they'd had some kind of connection right from the start, and he saw a lot of himself in the tall teenager. Rachel, on the other hand… well, they had their differences, and sometimes - no, a lot of times - it was hard to listen to her. But it wasn't hard to understand her, at least she knew what she wanted - though her ambitions always seemed to get in the way of everything else. Kurt had always known who he was and Mercedes…

Okay, he didn't really know all of them, but it still felt like he knew what was driving them… like he got who they were. Granted, Will had sometimes gotten a little bit annoyed by all their teenage drama, especially when they just couldn't get over themselves right before a competition. But they were teenagers. They weren't supposed to do it right all the time. They were supposed to learn from their mistakes. And those dramas had always been pushed aside by the joy of watching them work together, the joy of teaching them, the joy of listening to them when they sang their hearts out, despite being teased almost every day, despite the slushie-facials, despite being at the bottom of the high-school food chain. Inside the walls of the choir room, they were safe… they were themselves.

Just not all of them…

When Puck had decided to join Glee club, Will had thought it was a joke. The mere thought of the football player, whose main concern was his reputation, joining the least popular group at this school was just… well, unbelievable would be an understatement. He'd had similar thoughts about Quinn, Santana and Brittany at first, but for Quinn to want to be with Finn had been plausible, and after all, they were Cheerios, dancers, performers. There was at least some kind of connection to show choir. But Puck? Will just hadn't figured him as the kind of guy who would risk his reputation just so he could sing. It had taken him until sectionals last year to figure out, that the football player had probably just joined because of Quinn, to be closer to her. And Will had probably been almost as mad at Puck for betraying Finn as Finn himself had been. He just hadn't felt the need to kick over chairs… it hadn't been his place to be angry about it. And he'd had enough trouble on his own to deal with.

Why Puck had stayed afterwards… he didn't know. And when he was honest with himself, he hadn't really cared. Not that he hadn't been glad to have Puck's voice and musical talent, but he'd never really warmed up to him… until later that year. But still… he'd never gotten as close to Puck as he was to everyone else. And that was the problem…

He'd helped Finn out, after he'd found out that Quinn was pregnant. He'd helped Kurt with his Karofsky problem… as far as he'd been able to. He'd even spoke up his mind to Figgins when he'd forbidden Tina to wear her 'demon clothes' as he'd called it… but when Puck had stormed out of Figgins office after his parole officer had threatened to sent him back to juvie, Will hadn't done anything. He hadn't even tried to talk to Puck after that…

"Since when do any of you care about helping me? None of you care about me…"

He hadn't listened.

And now, Puck was gone.

Without realizing it, Will had driven into the parking garage and had parked the car. He'd arrived back at his apartment and couldn't even remember, how he'd gotten there. As if someone had just forwarded the whole drive and cut straight to the end of the road. Will shook his head, slightly confused, before he left the car and walked up to his apartment, surprised to find Finn waiting for him at the door.

"Hi Mr. Schue.", Finn greeted him, his hands shoved deep into his pockets.

"Hi Finn… what are you doing here?", the teacher asked absently, looking for his keys, before he realized, that he'd already had them in his hand. It was a dumb question, though. He already knew why Finn was there.

"I, ehm… wanted to know how Puck's doing. I mean, I'd go to the hospital, but I didn't know if he's still there, but he wasn't at school either, and I only saw you for a minute when you were in Figgins' office, so…" Finn stared down at his feet, feeling slightly uncomfortable. "I came here…"

Will unlocked the door and motioned for Finn to get in. "He stayed here for the night.", he said, when he took off his jacket and followed Finn into the living room.

"So… how is he? I mean, what did the doctor say?" Finn stood next to the couch, too nervous to sit down. And he kept looking to the other rooms, expecting Puck to appear at any second.

"He's gonna be okay.", Will answered swiftly. "At least physically…", he added, not sure, what else to say.

"Yeah… Kurt said something about tha-" Finn wished he could take those words back as soon as they'd left his lips.

"You told Kurt?"

"I had to, I mean… he started asking questions about why I got home so late and why he had to cover for me and stuff like that. And I kinda let it slip that Puck had something to do with it, so he assumed that he just got into trouble, or another fight, or… something. And I didn't want him to think that. So… I told him." Finn didn't dare to look up, felt somehow embarrassed, because he hadn't been able to keep it to himself. "But… I don't know. I- I'm glad that I did. I just… I just couldn't deal with it."

"Me neither." Will took a deep breath and sat down on the couch. He felt so tired and worn out, but then also nervous and on the edge at the same time, not able to calm down for more than a minute. He'd been living off adrenaline ever since Puck had entered his office the day before, driving on a roller coaster of emotions, that had pulled him up on a steep hill of worry and concern, had taken a free fall, throwing him into a bottomless hole of panic and fear… before it had finally stopped at the bus station, leaving him with nothing but a sick and nauseating feeling in his stomach. And he just couldn't go for another ride. "I talked to Figgins this morning. Not that it matters anymore, but I needed to fill him in on Puck's situation. And… I also talked to Emma."

"What do you mean…?", Finn asked, slightly confused, before he realized, that his question wasn't exactly clear enough to be answered. "I mean, when you said 'not that it matters anymore'…"

Will leaned back and closed his eyes for a second. He'd known that that question had been bound to come up as soon as he'd spotted Finn at his door. But he'd hoped, that he'd somehow be able to get around it. He just didn't know how to explain to Finn that his former best friend was gone, that he'd left without saying goodbye… that he wasn't going to come back.

"So…?", Finn tried again.

Will took a deep breath, and when he opened his mouth, his voice sounded somewhat strange… like it wasn't even his. "He left…"

There was silence for a moment, as Finn tried to figure out, what his teacher was saying, because, it certainly couldn't mean what he thought it meant… because that would be bad. Very, very bad.

But Finn couldn't find any other meaning in those words, couldn't find any explanation for them being said. And before he could even think about it, another word slipped over his lips. "What?"

"He took a bus to… somewhere." Will raised his head, looked up at the tall teenager, who's face had turned eerily pale. "He's gone, Finn."

Finn slumped down on the couch, the teacher's words seemingly draining all the strength out of him. "Wha-… Why?", was all he got out while his mind was no longer able to hold another thought.

"Because he feels that there's no other way…" The words hung in the air like a cold, dark cloud, too thick to let a single ray of sunlight through… to let a single positive thought into their heads.

"You're sure? I mean, you're sure that he left?" Finn looked at his teacher, hoping desperately - no, pleading - for him to say 'no'.

"Yeah, I am. I… ehm… said goodbye at the bus station an hour ago.", Will answered and looked away, not able to meet Finn's eyes.

"Wait… you caught up with him and let him leave?"

"I couldn't force him to stay, and I couldn't talk him out of it, either, so… I let him go." The conversation had taken a strange turn, had somehow become an interrogation with Will Schuester being on the wrong end. And he didn't like the idea that he had to explain himself to his student… it wasn't supposed to be that way.

"But… where's he gonna go?" Finn seemed to be beside himself, stuck somewhere between being in a state of paralyzing shock and freaking out, while trying to understand the whole meaning of this conversation.

"He hadn't decided… yet. And I hope that he never will, that he'll revise his decision and come back..."

"And if he doesn't?" Finn's voice cracked, spiraling into an unpleasant, almost painful shriek.

Will didn't answer… there was just no answer to that, no comfort he could give. The only thing left was the hope that Puck would be alright… somehow.

"But… I mean, wherever he ends up… he's got no money.", said Finn after a while, not entirely sure if that was even important right now. It didn't change anything… made it even worse.

"He has some. And my credit card. Some of my clothes, too, though I haven't checked if anything else is missing."

"You gave him your credit card? Are you out of your mind?" Finn hadn't intended to start yelling, knew, that he shouldn't… but he just couldn't help it. It was bad enough that Puck had left - that the teacher had let him leave - but did he have to make it so easy? Maybe Puck would've thought twice about it, if he'd been faced with a brick wall at the end of his road. But Mr. Schue had taken that wall down, had paved the way…

"I didn't think about it. I just had to make sure that he'd be able to survive, you know?" It was the truth. He hadn't thought about it… at least not when he'd taken the card out of his wallet. And when he'd realized, that it had probably been a mistake, that it would only push Puck further to getting on a bus, it had been too late to take it back.

But, then again, Puck would've left anyway. Will had just made sure, that Puck wouldn't fall apart on the way.

"You're his teacher… you- you should've stopped him… not help him get away!" The anger was still there, seemed to be the only thing keeping Finn sane right now, the only thing keeping reality at bay… distracting him from the fact, that his best friend was gone.

"I wasn't there as his teacher, Finn." Will's voice was steady, calm even, though he feared, that it could fail him at any moment. "I was there as a… friend. As someone who could help him. And that's what I did… just in a different way than I'd wanted to."

"This whole thing is just so messed up…" Finn ran a hand through his hair, ignoring the slight tremble in his fingers. He had tried to keep his voice steady, but failed… miserably. "He- he didn't even say goodbye." Somehow, the tears started running down his face. He didn't want them to, tried to hide them, to wipe them away, because he felt that he had no right to cry, that he had no right to feel as if his whole life was crumbling. He might've lost a friend… who hadn't even really been his friend in a long time. But Puck had lost everything. No… Finn had no right to cry.

But he just couldn't stop…

There are two things that you don't want to wake up to in the middle of the night: Your phone and the doorbell. Because it's almost always bad news.

So, when Will woke up around two in the morning, a shrill noise ringing in his ears, it might've taken him a while to realize that it was his phone, but only a second for that bad feeling to crawl into his stomach afterwards. He got out of bed and walked over to the phone. He almost didn't dare pick it up, afraid of what might be waiting on the other end. He just couldn't handle any more bad news.

His hand was shaking slightly, when he picked it up, and his heart skipped a few beats when he recognized the voice at the other end.

"Puck…? That you?"

"Yeah…"

"What… what happened? Are you alright?" The questions stumbled out of his mouth before he had even time to think about it, while he tried to figure out, why Puck was calling him at this time of night.

"I'm fine… I mean... nothing happened. I just…" There was silence on the other end, just for a moment. "When you said that- that you'd be there… did you mean it?"

Will closed his eyes, not able to stop the sudden wave of relief washing over him, as the words slowly found their way over his lips:

"Yeah… yeah, I did!"